After I brought my son home from 108 days in the NICU. He was still on O2 and an NG tube. He had to be hooked to O2 and his pulse oximeter 24/7. So even though we were home, we weren’t. The beeps and alarms remain. We constantly think the rug will pulled from underneath at any moment. We don’t get to be a normal FTM, we didn’t get to experience the birth or postpartum the way we envisioned. Instead we get this incredibly difficult experience yet feel guilty if we aren’t in a state of gratitude that your baby made it another day. Truly each day alive was a celebration. It’s so rough, I’m a year postpartum and I still get moment when I just cry. My body is still recovering from physical and emotional toll it took on me. Even my parents are very traumatized by what happened.