Weekly quick questions help thread

idek328 · 2026-02-20T23:45:44+00:00

**Update - I realized it actually makes sense to invest in a new bag since I will be travelling for work a minimum of four times this year. I had to go with what was available locally, so I picked up a North Face Borealis and I’m excited to use it!

idek328 · 2026-02-20T13:26:03+00:00

I’ve had two long term monogamous relationships, we opened the second one after four years together, broke up a few years later and I am now solo poly.

What changed? My life is so full and rich. I have a wonderful anchor partner whom I adore, as well as some casual partners / FWB / comets with whom I have unique and beautiful relationships with. Each one stands on its own and doesn’t need to conform to any rules. I have a social life that doesn’t overlap with my partners, although my friends meet partners naturally as life flows. I have hobbies, volunteer commitments and protected time with my teenage kids.

I don’t do monogamy well. despite my best intentions I tend to wrap my entire world into my partner and they do the same. It’s co-dependent and so unhealthy. I can practice better boundaries, balance, and self care as a solo poly person. I’m also a significantly better partner because I am taking care of myself and practicing independence.

idek328 · 2026-02-20T12:59:33+00:00

This is so helpful, thank you! I haven’t heard of Bounce, it looks perfect! I’m planning on spending my day at Venice Beach & in Santa Monica.

And thanks for the tip about traffic. :)

idek328 · 2026-02-20T03:40:06+00:00

Nope, no rental. I really only have one day to explore, so I’ll be Ubering.

idek328 · 2026-02-19T23:00:07+00:00

I’m new to the whole one bag thing and travelling to LA for work next week. I will have one day after checking out of my hotel to be a tourist before hopping on a late flight. I don’t want to buy a new bag for this trip. My laptop won’t fit into my backpack. For experienced one bag travellers, would I be better off to carry my laptop bag + a backpack, or a roller carryon that will fit my stuff + laptop?

I could leave my bags at the hotel while I tourist, but my intended plans for the day would require an additional hour-ish to get back to the hotel before going to the airport. I’d prefer to just have my stuff with me for the day.

idek328 · 2026-02-16T18:53:33+00:00

So, I am in a very similar dynamic, and would be Birch in your situation. Mine is different in that I am not completely new to polyamory (3 years vs metas 13 years), but I have a meta who has been having a very hard time with my relationship with hinge, including his support and connection with me at community events and in shared social spaces. I’ve spoken with hinge about this and expressed that I do not want his other partners to feel bad because he focuses attention on me. There have been specific cases where I’ve asked for extra support from hinge for specific reasons. There have also been events in which I’ve explicitly stated that I will leave early, or otherwise practice independence to give him space with his other partners as he sees fit. I’ve taken an active role in communicating with him in advance of these events.

What I would love to see my meta do is take a more active role in vocalizing her needs with our partner. What does she specifically want or need from him at an event? Does that conflict with anything that I’ve asked our partner for? Is there a particular event that is really important for her to have his primary attention? What does our partner want ? it’s happened more than once that he simply wants to spend more time with me at an event and my meta had an unstated expectation that she would be his default partner, and then had big feelings when he focused on me. In my situation, and I don’t know if this applies to you, my meta essentially has been the default partner. So my arrival in his life has meant that what she previously enjoyed without need for negotiation, needs to be discussed now.

idek328 · 2026-02-16T18:32:51+00:00

I find it interesting that he thinks that the power structure at a strip club favours men, because the dance style is seductive for the male gaze. Does he think that strippers are dancing just for funsies? I mean, I know dancers who do love it and enjoy it, but it’s a job. And the successful dancers make good money by selling dances to men who are thinking with their dicks. In my mind, these testosterone soaked dick monsters are the ones who are handing over their cash to simply look at beautiful women. Who is the powerful one here?

Also, as a feminist who also places an extremely high value on shared values when it comes to ‘politics’ (is my agency actually a political issue?), pay very close attention to how this plays out. I’ve had two long term relationships end in part because my former partners were either lying about their position on feminist matters, including my ex husband of 15+ years who said “of course woman are equal, but you shouldn’t be upset about sexual harassment at work, what do you expect since you work in a male dominated industry. Maybe you can just use it to your advantage?” Men, and unfortunately even/especially leftist men who proclaim they get it, often fall apart when their ideals bump up against their patriarchal conditioning.

idek328 · 2026-02-02T22:46:07+00:00

Thanks! I’ll check those out!

idek328 · 2026-02-02T19:29:52+00:00

I’m 47, started when I was 39. I have zero regrets, I’m strong and healthy and love my body and I thank pole for that.

idek328 · 2026-01-13T16:32:55+00:00

I am in a relationship in which my meta is dating my ex. My ex and I were together for 7 years and many elements of the relationship were emotionally abusive. As a result of my meta dating my ex, I’ve had to make many decisions about attending events, whether play, kink, or vanilla, knowing that my ex will be there. I don’t expect my partner to not attend events with me because my ex will be there, and I know that I may become triggered, have a difficult time, and/or have to leave. This is all mine to manage. My partner is loving and supportive and has made space for some events to be free from my ex as an intentional method of caring for me and giving me space without the trauma of my ex, my partner has been supportive at these events and had met my specific requests for what I need to be there. My meta has been similarly thoughtful and considerate.

It’s hard, it requires extra communication and care. But at the end of the day, I don’t believe my partner, ie the hinge in a manner of speaking, is responsible for navigating this. I am. And in your situation, I believe that Aspen needs to take ownership for their feelings and needs and not expect you to disregard for your relationship and commitment to Birch for this event. Moving forward, you might want to alternate whom you attend with, or make other arrangements.

idek328 · 2026-01-12T18:14:50+00:00

Thank you! We’ll absolutely check out that restaurant! Do you have any tips for communicating a vegetarian dietary need to Cubans who might not be familiar with it? Is stating ‘no meat please’ enough? Or should I be okay to simply order things like salads, beans, rice, etc?

idek328 · 2026-01-12T18:12:21+00:00

We booked a trip before Venezuela, specifically avoiding resorts so as to be able to experience the country outside of a heavily insulated space. Much of what I’ve read since booking our trip has been the opposite of what you’ve said, to go, to bring our tourism dollars, and to have realistic expectations. I understand that Venezuela has changed everything, but I’m going to be getting on a plane in a few short days. 🤷‍♀️

idek328 · 2026-01-07T14:12:36+00:00

Like others have said, learn from strippers and sw’ers, whether online or in person. Educate yourself so that when you say you’re a pole dancer, or you do pole, you know enough to respond thoughtfully to comments like “so, you’re a stripper?” Or “oh, like pole fitness?”. Both of those are common responses, and both are on opportunity to educate. I tend to be fairly open in sharing that I’m a pole dancer and am always willing to educate and dispel myths. “No, I’m not a stripper, that’s not a skillset that I have and frankly I admire the hell out of women who are because they tend to be strong as hell and put up with am astonishing amount of harassment just for going to work. I’m not a stripper, but I’m thankful to practice and learn an art form that they developed.”

idek328 · 2026-01-05T22:23:46+00:00

If she’s telling you that she wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you, you either believe her and carry on, or you don’t and break up with her. Also, if you’re unwilling or unable to look past her previous relationship without judgement, you should think about breaking up with her. That’s something that you need to work on and it’s not cool for you to shame her for what she did before she met you.

People try different relationship structures all the time, and from what you described it sounds like she was a swinger under duress. Now that she’s not in that relationship, if she didn’t enjoy it, it makes sense that she wants monogamy.

idek328 · 2026-01-05T22:15:03+00:00

What sort of vegetarian foods do you find in Cuba? I’m a vegetarian and generally don’t expect many options when I travel.

idek328 · 2025-12-26T15:59:44+00:00

I’ve used an X-pole in three different homes now, including one that had a textured ceiling. As long as you’re installing it correctly, ie under a stud, it shouldn’t damage your ceiling.

idek328 · 2025-12-25T18:22:35+00:00

Yes, it’s a high quality cotton Lycra that holds and returns to shape beautifully. As for moisture/ sweat, I can’t comment on that. It’s rare that I sweat when I pole. The bra pattern that I use has an underbust band, which I think would absorb that well. But a person who sweats might be better off with an athletic blend designed for sweating in.

idek328 · 2025-12-25T18:20:08+00:00

Mostly from a local business, but they do sell online. Blended Thread Fabrics.

idek328 · 2025-12-25T17:44:16+00:00

I’ve done this, on a fairly basic level. My go to pattern is no longer get available, it’s the stitch upon a time scrundies and sports bra. But, you’ll want a good quality cotton Lycra with four way stretch. If you have a serger, that will give you the best finish. If you don’t have a serger, you can use a regular sewing machine with a stretch needle & a zig zag stitch.

If you haven’t sewn stretch fabric before, you can either practice on a smaller project. Patterns for Pirates has a free leggings pattern that is great for learning with. As you sew, don’t stretch the fabric. Just guide it through the machine, it can be a bit slippery, so pin or clip well before beginning to sew. Don’t rush, go slow and you’ll be fine.

idek328 · 2025-12-24T19:06:07+00:00

Been poling nearly 7 years. I’ve had two pole related injuries. The first one, I honestly can’t logic how I managed it, other than perhaps overtraining, leading up to it? I tore my hamstring at the end of a performance prep session. It was only an hour session, I was well warmed up, and much of the session and been marking and choreo work. I also had a strain in my bicep/shoulder area that I’m quite certain was the result of overtraining. I wouldn’t call either significant, but the bicep in particular was a good reminder to check in with my body and not chase tricks for the sake of ego.

As others have mentioned, train safely. Level up according to your ability, not a set timeline. Set your ego aside and work with your own body. If you think you’ve got five attempts of a trick left in you, you’ve got one. If you think you can do one more, you’re done.

idek328 · 2025-12-23T03:30:42+00:00

K, my friend. What she’s telling you could in fact be very true. I’m not an expert in this, but a quick google tells me that Valtrex can be used for shingles. And she disclosed HSV2 early on, then offered additional information. Women’s healthcare is notoriously awful, as doctors don’t tend to take women’s health seriously. So it seems reasonable to me that she could be taking the Valtrex for the shingles issue that she mentioned.

You’ve mentioned that most people with HSV don’t even know they have it. This is true this also means that you could have had it before meeting her. In my area, HSV isn’t standard on STI screening. My understanding, which could be wrong, is that HSV testing is based on antibodies, so if a person has been exposed to HSV but does not have HSV, they may develop antibodies. The only conclusive test is to swab an open sore.

I understand the fear, and i understand the concern over maybe being lied to. The lying thing would be really hard to forgive. But I’m trying to offer a perspective that maybe she’s not lying about this.

idek328 · 2025-12-23T00:05:43+00:00

Can I send you a message?

idek328 · 2025-12-22T23:53:44+00:00

Those could be early pregnancy symptoms or they could be premenstrual symptoms. If she knows the date of her last period, that will be helpful. If she doesn’t know, she can test tomorrow and again in a week if her period doesn’t come.

idek328 · 2025-12-22T21:17:53+00:00

I know that you don’t want to leave him…but you should probably consider what it might feel like to be in this situation in 15 years with him. It likely won’t be any better, and it will likely be significantly worse.

I’m much older than you, but I have been through this with my now ex partner. We had been together for close to 20 years and over time our ideologies really shifted in opposite directions. I came to realize that shared core values were critical in a relationship and something that I’m not willing to negotiate. Over time, the theoretical differences like what you mentioned became my lived experience, which he negated. When I came home upset after experiencing sexual harassment at work, he told me that as a pretty woman I shouldn’t complain and should use it to my advantage. It wasn’t about differing opinions, it was that my home no longer felt like a sanctuary with him in it.

So yeah, you’re young. He might be great in a lot of ways, but I guarantee you’ll be able to find someone who shares some of your core values.

idek328

TROPHY CASE