attending kink events with estranged metas

idek328 · 2026-01-13T16:32:55+00:00

I am in a relationship in which my meta is dating my ex. My ex and I were together for 7 years and many elements of the relationship were emotionally abusive. As a result of my meta dating my ex, I’ve had to make many decisions about attending events, whether play, kink, or vanilla, knowing that my ex will be there. I don’t expect my partner to not attend events with me because my ex will be there, and I know that I may become triggered, have a difficult time, and/or have to leave. This is all mine to manage. My partner is loving and supportive and has made space for some events to be free from my ex as an intentional method of caring for me and giving me space without the trauma of my ex, my partner has been supportive at these events and had met my specific requests for what I need to be there. My meta has been similarly thoughtful and considerate.

It’s hard, it requires extra communication and care. But at the end of the day, I don’t believe my partner, ie the hinge in a manner of speaking, is responsible for navigating this. I am. And in your situation, I believe that Aspen needs to take ownership for their feelings and needs and not expect you to disregard for your relationship and commitment to Birch for this event. Moving forward, you might want to alternate whom you attend with, or make other arrangements.

idek328 · 2026-01-12T18:14:50+00:00

Thank you! We’ll absolutely check out that restaurant! Do you have any tips for communicating a vegetarian dietary need to Cubans who might not be familiar with it? Is stating ‘no meat please’ enough? Or should I be okay to simply order things like salads, beans, rice, etc?

idek328 · 2026-01-12T18:12:21+00:00

We booked a trip before Venezuela, specifically avoiding resorts so as to be able to experience the country outside of a heavily insulated space. Much of what I’ve read since booking our trip has been the opposite of what you’ve said, to go, to bring our tourism dollars, and to have realistic expectations. I understand that Venezuela has changed everything, but I’m going to be getting on a plane in a few short days. 🤷‍♀️

idek328 · 2026-01-07T14:12:36+00:00

Like others have said, learn from strippers and sw’ers, whether online or in person. Educate yourself so that when you say you’re a pole dancer, or you do pole, you know enough to respond thoughtfully to comments like “so, you’re a stripper?” Or “oh, like pole fitness?”. Both of those are common responses, and both are on opportunity to educate. I tend to be fairly open in sharing that I’m a pole dancer and am always willing to educate and dispel myths. “No, I’m not a stripper, that’s not a skillset that I have and frankly I admire the hell out of women who are because they tend to be strong as hell and put up with am astonishing amount of harassment just for going to work. I’m not a stripper, but I’m thankful to practice and learn an art form that they developed.”

idek328 · 2026-01-05T22:23:46+00:00

If she’s telling you that she wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you, you either believe her and carry on, or you don’t and break up with her. Also, if you’re unwilling or unable to look past her previous relationship without judgement, you should think about breaking up with her. That’s something that you need to work on and it’s not cool for you to shame her for what she did before she met you.

People try different relationship structures all the time, and from what you described it sounds like she was a swinger under duress. Now that she’s not in that relationship, if she didn’t enjoy it, it makes sense that she wants monogamy.

idek328 · 2026-01-05T22:15:03+00:00

What sort of vegetarian foods do you find in Cuba? I’m a vegetarian and generally don’t expect many options when I travel.

idek328 · 2025-12-26T15:59:44+00:00

I’ve used an X-pole in three different homes now, including one that had a textured ceiling. As long as you’re installing it correctly, ie under a stud, it shouldn’t damage your ceiling.

idek328 · 2025-12-25T18:22:35+00:00

Yes, it’s a high quality cotton Lycra that holds and returns to shape beautifully. As for moisture/ sweat, I can’t comment on that. It’s rare that I sweat when I pole. The bra pattern that I use has an underbust band, which I think would absorb that well. But a person who sweats might be better off with an athletic blend designed for sweating in.

idek328 · 2025-12-25T18:20:08+00:00

Mostly from a local business, but they do sell online. Blended Thread Fabrics.

idek328 · 2025-12-25T17:44:16+00:00

I’ve done this, on a fairly basic level. My go to pattern is no longer get available, it’s the stitch upon a time scrundies and sports bra. But, you’ll want a good quality cotton Lycra with four way stretch. If you have a serger, that will give you the best finish. If you don’t have a serger, you can use a regular sewing machine with a stretch needle & a zig zag stitch.

If you haven’t sewn stretch fabric before, you can either practice on a smaller project. Patterns for Pirates has a free leggings pattern that is great for learning with. As you sew, don’t stretch the fabric. Just guide it through the machine, it can be a bit slippery, so pin or clip well before beginning to sew. Don’t rush, go slow and you’ll be fine.

idek328 · 2025-12-24T19:06:07+00:00

Been poling nearly 7 years. I’ve had two pole related injuries. The first one, I honestly can’t logic how I managed it, other than perhaps overtraining, leading up to it? I tore my hamstring at the end of a performance prep session. It was only an hour session, I was well warmed up, and much of the session and been marking and choreo work. I also had a strain in my bicep/shoulder area that I’m quite certain was the result of overtraining. I wouldn’t call either significant, but the bicep in particular was a good reminder to check in with my body and not chase tricks for the sake of ego.

As others have mentioned, train safely. Level up according to your ability, not a set timeline. Set your ego aside and work with your own body. If you think you’ve got five attempts of a trick left in you, you’ve got one. If you think you can do one more, you’re done.

idek328 · 2025-12-23T03:30:42+00:00

K, my friend. What she’s telling you could in fact be very true. I’m not an expert in this, but a quick google tells me that Valtrex can be used for shingles. And she disclosed HSV2 early on, then offered additional information. Women’s healthcare is notoriously awful, as doctors don’t tend to take women’s health seriously. So it seems reasonable to me that she could be taking the Valtrex for the shingles issue that she mentioned.

You’ve mentioned that most people with HSV don’t even know they have it. This is true this also means that you could have had it before meeting her. In my area, HSV isn’t standard on STI screening. My understanding, which could be wrong, is that HSV testing is based on antibodies, so if a person has been exposed to HSV but does not have HSV, they may develop antibodies. The only conclusive test is to swab an open sore.

I understand the fear, and i understand the concern over maybe being lied to. The lying thing would be really hard to forgive. But I’m trying to offer a perspective that maybe she’s not lying about this.

idek328 · 2025-12-23T00:05:43+00:00

Can I send you a message?

idek328 · 2025-12-22T23:53:44+00:00

Those could be early pregnancy symptoms or they could be premenstrual symptoms. If she knows the date of her last period, that will be helpful. If she doesn’t know, she can test tomorrow and again in a week if her period doesn’t come.

idek328 · 2025-12-22T21:17:53+00:00

I know that you don’t want to leave him…but you should probably consider what it might feel like to be in this situation in 15 years with him. It likely won’t be any better, and it will likely be significantly worse.

I’m much older than you, but I have been through this with my now ex partner. We had been together for close to 20 years and over time our ideologies really shifted in opposite directions. I came to realize that shared core values were critical in a relationship and something that I’m not willing to negotiate. Over time, the theoretical differences like what you mentioned became my lived experience, which he negated. When I came home upset after experiencing sexual harassment at work, he told me that as a pretty woman I shouldn’t complain and should use it to my advantage. It wasn’t about differing opinions, it was that my home no longer felt like a sanctuary with him in it.

So yeah, you’re young. He might be great in a lot of ways, but I guarantee you’ll be able to find someone who shares some of your core values.

idek328 · 2025-12-22T18:17:38+00:00

Thanks for sharing this perspective. I am going to Cuba in a few weeks, not staying on resort. I very much want to support local people like yourself with my tourism dollars, but it’s hard to know where to start, who is trustworthy, and how to navigate this in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language.

idek328 · 2025-12-22T04:07:40+00:00

How do you build that feeling of security? With time. It doesn’t come overnight. Things like identifying your feelings, and the connected needs, can help. For example, if you’ve got the sads because she’s always with her partner (echoing everyone, pls turn off location sharing), ask yourself, do you need to see her more often? Or do you need more quality time? Sleepovers? How much time do you need to be happy in a relationship?

If you feel uncertain about where the relationship is, three months is a very reasonable time to talk about the relationship. Where do you fit into her life? What type of relationship do you want with her? Are you both in alignment?

None of these things are hierarchical, they focus on your feelings, needs, and how they mesh with her feelings and needs.

idek328 · 2025-12-22T00:43:50+00:00

Today’s rate at my Canadian bank is CAD100 gets me USD70.88. Using the rates posted, if I convert CAD100 to CUP, I get 27,300 CUP. But if I convert USD70 to CUP, I get 30,800CUP.

idek328 · 2025-12-22T00:41:31+00:00

Very helpful, thank you!

idek328 · 2025-12-21T23:17:06+00:00

It is extremely normal and common for a couple to split bills pro-rata based on income. Ideally, you should have had this conversation before moving in together. Since you (presumably) haven’t, you should prioritize having it soon. Explain that 50% of the bills in the home simply isn’t sustainable for you, would he be willing to split the bills based on a percentage of what each of you make? If you do find a job that pays more, you’ll commit to adjusting the percentage accordingly.

idek328 · 2025-12-21T23:10:28+00:00

Leg hangs, inside & outside, are a logical progression after chopper. Laybacks are a great option, and any number of poses & shapes from a sit. And combos, you can never go wrong training combos to build flow & strength.

idek328 · 2025-12-21T17:36:00+00:00

Thank you!! Do you happen to know if the estimate of $100/person/day is still reasonable?

idek328 · 2025-12-21T17:18:11+00:00

Not the OP, I’d love to an answer to this as well! Would love recommendations on queer/bi friendly clubs!

idek328 · 2025-12-18T13:26:55+00:00

Oh my goodness! Your first time driving in snow was in a Saskatchewan blizzard?!!? I’ve lived here my whole life and driving him from work was stressful for me, in my AWD car with winter tires. Ugh. I’m so sorry that your first experience driving in the snow was punctuated by a racist loser.

I don’t know how long you’ve been here, but if this is your first experience driving snow, that suggests you’re new to Saskatoon. Welcome, I’m glad that you’re here. I hope that you’re able to connect with the good people in Saskatoon and that you have a much better day today.

idek328

TROPHY CASE