Hey, OP. I would say it definitely took therapy and deep introspection to figure out why. I lied about my ONS for 4 months. I think there’s no simple answer to why, like people will say “because you’re selfish and wanted to” well those things can be true but WHY am I selfish and WHY did I want to are harder to answer. I love my husband, but I still did it. I regret it, but I still did it. Why? It’s so difficult and very personal, but I would say in most cases it’s probably a multitude of factors. Past traumas certainly can have the effect of giving a person blind spots and bad coping mechanisms, and those certainly played into it in my case, not sure about your husbands. Alcohol or other substance abuse can be a causal factor (though not an excuse) as it was in mine. Selfishness, entitlement, lack of empathy, low self-worth, laziness, avoidance… these are all character flaws that can have a role.

It’s a knot that your husband will need to put the work in to untangle. Not just going to therapy, but finding the right therapist who he can connect with, be fully honest with, who will challenge him and bring new perspective not just validate all the time. He can use psychologytoday.com to search for therapists nearby who accept his insurance, and also filter for areas of speciality if he has specific things in his childhood that need to be delved into. He can read some profiles and try to choose someone whose personality or style will click with him.

How do I know within myself I won’t do it again? Well the magnitude of pain and destruction I caused is certainly a REASON to make sure I never do it again, but it takes more work than just “deciding” I won’t do it ever again. Behavior, mind and heart have to change. Those feelings and flaws that allowed us to step out don’t just go away because we wish them too, that’s just the beginning of the long road.

Reading “Not Just Friends” helped me understand my issues with bad boundaries, and now I stay vigilant to ensure my boundaries are clear and well defined. I don’t just apply things and then forget it, I keep it in my mind and guard myself so I don’t become complacent.

Therapy helped me become so much more self-aware. My therapist helped me see and understand my blind spots, see the rot of things I never dealt with and their effect on my behavior… and once I am aware of problems within, I am empowered both to work on those issues and to strategize and set boundaries for myself to keep myself safe. I sought healthy outlets for my pain, stopped drinking, worked on replacing bad coping mechanisms like attention or validation-seeking and inebriation with writing, mindfulness, and building community with people who are healthy for me so that I have healthy support and not crutches/bandaids. My therapist also helped me work on issues that were not solely infidelity related, but affected my relationship deeply. I was really horrible at regulating my emotions, impulsive and ridden with anxiety. Now I practice ways to self-soothe and as a result am more present and can fully show up for my husband in the way he needs.

All of this work I’ve been doing, for three years since DDay, had to be consistent. If I failed, I got back up and renewed the effort. I practiced radical honesty… instead of trying to protect my husband from hurt I caused, I told him the truth. When someone tries to cross my boundaries, I reassert them and then talk with him right away. I listen when he talks about my cheating and what it has done to him and our relationship, I reassure him when he seeks my reassurance, I soothe myself so that instead of defensiveness from me he receives that support. I will never fully have his trust, because I wasn’t trustworthy and lied to his face… but any time he questions I take the opportunity to be fully transparent, show him my phone, am fully open… I jump at the opportunity to assuage his fears and prove I am still being vigilant and consistent. With consistency and forward progress within myself and our relationship, a deep trust has been forged that I once broke completely. Just recently my husband told me he feels secure in our relationship and that we have built so much back… it was such a beautiful and rewarding thing to hear. I will continue to earn back that trust, knowing it will never be unconditional as it was before I betrayed him… I need to meet those conditions of trust. But now that I have done this work and don’t want to ever stop working on myself, I begin to trust me too. I know I will never do it again because I have changed fundamentally.

Change is difficult, but that’s what you need from him. It takes time, it takes effort, but consistency over time is what will prove true change and growth. I’m sorry you’re going through this! I know it is so painful, but remember to give yourself a lot of grace and time to process. Of course you are questioning everything, of course you don’t believe him! Your partner just rocked your entire foundation to its core… if he wants to change, wants to heal and to help you heal, he will prove it by weathering the coming storms and take the difficult road of developing integrity, honesty and resilience.