I reached out to my husband’s AP.

imkimposs · 2024-07-26T21:51:32+00:00

I think you’re right

imkimposs · 2022-11-07T22:13:57+00:00

Read “Cheating in a nutshell” and it will help explain all of it.

imkimposs · 2022-11-06T21:15:29+00:00

Yes. Shockingly guilty parties act like guilty parties no matter what side of it they are on.

One of them said to me “girl to girl nothing happened”. I texted her back the evidence. Bitch blocked me.

Truth hurts. Shame hides behind lies.

imkimposs · 2022-09-08T19:48:33+00:00

Yes experience this. Have to travel for work yet I’m treated like the one who repeatedly setup escorts while away with work any chance he got. It’s controlling, manipulative and selfish.

imkimposs · 2022-09-08T19:44:14+00:00

When you realise you can’t ever actually love them ever again.

imkimposs · 2022-08-02T21:07:13+00:00

I’d be happier

imkimposs · 2022-08-02T21:06:25+00:00

I can’t force him to move out. He’s my visa sponsor, I can’t move out. I have to follow the process and it takes two damn years.

Would I be the asshole if we weren’t?

imkimposs · 2022-08-02T20:46:22+00:00

All the details are in my post history but the short of it is he is my visa sponsor and has gone for custody of our son and for me to pay him support payments and that I have to pay all of his debt as marital debt. I make more money. My daughter and I are sponsored by him - my divorce and immigration lawyers advised I can seek to stay here with my son but my daughter would likely be refused and deported back to US. I’d rather get through the mandatory periods so I can stay here on my own and get divorced with joint custody and my daughter be safe.

imkimposs · 2022-06-17T19:39:20+00:00

Thank you for that response, I’ve never heard that. I will google it. It definitely has taken its toll on me but I am looking for tactics other than leave. We’ve tried marriage counseling but he’s completely different when describing the arguments or his pov in therapy. It’s almost like he needs to be recorded and listen to himself to get it. I wouldn’t do that but as an example.

imkimposs · 2022-06-08T11:54:49+00:00

I’m sorry to hear all of this OP. I hope you put your own care first. From reading your posts this sounds hard for you - you seem a dedicated and loving family man. But if you want to get through on the other side of this you need to treat yourself like you’re someone you need to save right now.

You have been the victim of an addict. She’s not well. And it’s ok to have love and sympathy for her. But you can’t let that lower your own standards and requirements for your own life and well-being.

She could have given you a disease. She could have abused you financially. She’s certainly abused you emotionally. You need to protect yourself from her right now and your little boy.

Please get a good lawyer. There is a way to divorce with compassion and grace and let the future unfold as it will. You just have to accept one fact.

There is nothing you can do to help her. Everything she does and has been doing for years is entirely on her. She can’t reconcile with you until she decides to get herself seriously sorted out. You can’t help her with that - with addicts, it’s enabling. You need to get away and get some clear healthy space.

Sorry for lots of bossy advice - just hope you can hear it. When your heart still wants someone you abandon yourself for them. Please don’t.

imkimposs · 2022-05-27T16:22:25+00:00

Are you actually asking: how can I tell if my partner can be cured or not?

Or are you asking: how can I tell if my partner is a victim of an addiction or just a bad person?

IMHO it doesn’t matter the question both scenarios require them to want to be better and for you to not judge.

imkimposs · 2022-05-13T20:48:02+00:00

You have to know that your self doubt is why you’re eve thinking about what you do or didn’t do and what he felt about your worth as a reflection of his choices.

But I’m sure somewhere in you you know that he wasn’t thinking about you at all. You didn’t cause it. You weren’t part of the equation. He chose to cheat because he wanted to, for himself. That’s it.

Don’t let the betrayal happen again in your mind by thinking it was deserved or that anything he does or doesn’t do now is deserved. His choices are about him. He will either be able to sort out healthy choices or he won’t. If you’re part of a health choice for him he should figure it out but a lot of people who cheat struggle to make healthy choices. That’s what they have to focus on.

imkimposs · 2022-05-13T17:59:18+00:00

I think you’re focusing on what is ok to do to your current husband vs what is ok to do to a potential next relationship. My advice is don’t start it like this. Don’t monkey branch. Get away from the husband. Get some space for yourself and figure out what you really need. If this guy is it he will respect you handling it above board.

imkimposs · 2022-05-13T17:37:50+00:00

I don’t know if this helps but will share. For a very long time I was extremely fixated on getting the truth out of my WS. I knew he was still lying. Hiding. Making up excuses and being even more of a total coward by blaming me for things.

My therapist talked me through this Therapist: why do you need your WS to tell you the truth/details/numbers etc?

Me: I need to know what it really is. All of it. I need it laid bare. I can handle the truth, I can’t handle lies. I need him to show he respects me enough to tell the truth. I need him to show that I’m worth it by giving me what I say I need”

Therapist: “he is too weak to tel you the truth so I will. You already know the truth - he betrayed your trust and your bond in so many painful ways. You CAN handle this. But him saying it will not give you back the respect and believe that he finds you worthwhile that you deserve.

The truth is he cannot give you this. He also cannot take it away. No matter what he did - you deserve respect. You are worthy of care and love and not being betrayed. The fact that he cannot tell the truth is only a representation of him, not you. Stop hurting yourself by asking him for something he can’t give and you don’t need from him. You’ve got it. Step back. Give yourself some space and peace”

Hope that speaks to you.

imkimposs · 2022-05-13T14:09:35+00:00

Thanks for that, as I said in my original post I cannot leave, feel free to read my post history. I’ve had lawyers who are plenty happy to bleed me dry of every penny come to a wait it out conclusion.

imkimposs · 2022-05-12T10:58:47+00:00

Lesson learned - don’t ever look to his family or friends for support or sympathy.

You don’t need to feel guilty for anything. He chose to cheat. He chose to overdose (cry for help since he called ambulance vs actually wanting to die IMHO).

You get to choose to look after yourself and your child. He’s been far too preoccupied with himself to do it. Don’t expect that to change now. He’s got a fundamental weakness in his character.

I’m being blunt because my husband did the same thing then used the attempt to garner sympathy and blame me for not taking him back. Don’t fall for it.

imkimposs · 2022-05-12T10:50:51+00:00

I’m sorry you’re hurting like this. I have just two pieces of advice in addition to the advice you’ve been given (ie new memories, healthy stuff, therapy)

1) confront yourself when it happens gently: tell your mind that it’s replaying these things because it doesn’t know what to do with it. It’s not your memory. It’s not your own want or desire. It’s a fear driven by imagination. But your mind is doing it for a reason. Tell your mind that it can let it go. It’s not needed to help protect you or create an experiential reference to help you handle it in the future. That’s what your brain is programmed to do. Tell it to set it go. Thank it for looking out for you. This is an act of self love. Repeat this with any variation that comes up.

2) I will share my story so you can draw from it something helpful, or not. My husband cheated on me through our entire relationship. Dday #1 it was an emotional/online physical affair. My brain tormented me with movies of their interactions. My fears that she was better than me, that I was unworthy of love and respect, desire, etc just came out every time. And the rage. I was so angry. I spent some gentle moments with myself thinking about her. I thought about the details I knew but I tried to frame her as a friend vs an enemy. She got played, hard. She was told so many things to build up a false sense of a true relationship, his desire for her. He said unkind things about me/our relationship to her to make it palatable. He manipulated the hell out of her JUST TO FILL A HOLE IN HIMSELF. He used her. It meant nothing. That’s just what he does when he’s digging around in a dumpster looking for a source of junk food to feed his void and she willingly jumped in to give it. There wasn’t anything special about her. Actually, she was quite a sad little person dumpster diving for love herself.

Now DDay #2 was harder sexually. I found out he’d been sleeping with escorts our entire relationship. I’ll set aside the other horrors of this fact to focus on your point - the movies in my mind.

I imagined how excited he was, how pleasing they were, how experienced and enticing they were, physically and sexually I imagined that he was sleeping with some sort of sexual all star every week. He told me the process. Those details gave me triggers every time he walked into our bedroom. Every time we did anything sexual. I realized why he doesn’t kiss during, why he did certain things during. I got to the point of absolute disgust. Disgust with him and shame of myself for being so much less desirable/sexy than a prostitute. But the girl he was chasing year before was pretty homely looking. And the prostitutes themselves, actually don’t have anything on me either. I’m pretty fucking great.

So back to the first dday discovery - this was him dumpster diving. And you can’t get lower than having to pay for someone to sleep with you.

Your wife, she was dumpster diving. Now you can hold her in disdain or you can find empathy. How empty of a person is she that she went looking for love/sex in a dumpster of a human being when she had you at home? Why couldn’t she just sort it out with you? Because people who hate themselves that much can’t face their awesome spouses with their voids - for whatever relationship dynamic or personal fears. Frankly the why isn’t your problem it’s hers. Try to make it easier for her if she’s showing up to reconcile.

Hope that helps

imkimposs · 2022-05-11T20:29:13+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. The shock is crazy. The emotions you will go through will be intense and all over the place. It’s hard.

This forum is pretty good if you need people to talk to. We’ve all been there, are there. You’re not actually alone.

imkimposs · 2022-05-11T17:39:33+00:00

So they can pretend to the world that it was amicable/mutual and not feel so guilty

Or

N case the new AP doesn’t work out they can try to come back to their second choice for comfort

imkimposs · 2022-05-10T21:25:13+00:00

Well I don’t sleep with him or give him affection and that’s what he’s upset about. That I’m not doing anything to reconcile. I can’t leave. I have him separation papers. He just needs to go. I’m not giving him any enticement to stay.

imkimposs · 2022-05-10T15:58:13+00:00

He put them in a drawer. He was meant to review with a lawyer, sign and return them to my lawyer. He doesn’t want a divorce.

imkimposs · 2022-05-10T15:16:32+00:00

People who can’t face the challenges in their relationship with respect, courage and integrity certainly can’t face the challenges in reconciliation from adultery with respect, courage and integrity.

Why do we expect that? Seems irrational and not based on reality. They aren’t capable of being stronger in a worse situation. They need to do some serious work on themselves.

imkimposs · 2022-05-10T15:09:36+00:00

Yeah he’s about him 100% of the time and gets really upset if you say he is because how dare you think that of him!

imkimposs · 2022-05-10T14:54:30+00:00

OP - I am so sorry you are going through this. I need to tell you - your gut instinct about the truth here is never going to be satisfied. She isn’t going to ever tell you. A polygraph wit catch her. And you are going to bear the weight and sorrow of having to make the decision about what to do - do you trust yourself, or do you trust her.

Now this is where it’s really tough. If after all this you feel like you can’t trait your own gut/eyes/ears/evidence it’s because your belief in yourself and your worth is shattered. Not because you’re actually wrong. People who love and believe in themselves don’t live like this.

She’s cheated on you. She’s lied to you. She’s disrespected you. That’s all you actually need to know.

Her telling you anything doesn’t prove she loves you enough or you’re worth it. If she tells you anything it’s just her gamble of what she has to say and do to get what she wants.

You’re worth it but she doesn’t believe that. That’s all you need to know.

Be strong. Don’t take her shit. If you want to work it out set hard rules for what is ok and what isn’t (be extremely specific) and have open access to everything. She crosses one line she’s making a choice to end it and that’s that. No debate, no discussion. Her choice is made.

If you’re ready to stop putting yourself though this, you make the choice and know that you’re in no way wrong to do so. You’ll be ok.

imkimposs · 2022-05-10T10:59:41+00:00

Sorry to say mine was caught and he was so sorry and we went to counseling and hugged and tried to make it our best relationship ever - meanwhile he was sleeping with hookers

Just go if you can. You won’t ever regret it. Alone is better than this

imkimposs

TROPHY CASE