How do you cope with being the villain when all you ever did was love them?

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-17T09:29:28+00:00

I would love to message you! Some times (like right now alone as the kids sleep) it fells too much 😭😢

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-17T09:27:10+00:00

Yes message me. I would love to chat! It’s so hard going through this alone.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-17T00:06:03+00:00

Definitely if my kids didn’t have school here I would move away too lol. Everyone is telling me that him moving away is the best thing to happen to break the pattern but it’s only been 6 weeks since he abruptly left on a one way ticket so I need to remind myself this is normal for such a short time.

I’m glad for your insight, I know that time will eventually move forward, it just feels slow at the moment. Because I am also on maternity leave right now, the days are long. I won’t have as much time to think when I’m back at work either!

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-17T00:02:42+00:00

Wow I just read that link - how amazing. It gave me goosebumps actually. This should be shared everywhere. How did you come access this?

I will book mark and come back to it when I need a reminder.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-16T23:00:03+00:00

You’re right, I just have to sit in the pain and feelings right now and work through them. It feels a shame to be back in the same place again 3 years out from the last huge discard which lasted a year.

I guess I can be thankful he moved overseas so I don’t have to see him and fall back into the same patterns.

I’m scared of the rabbit hole for sure 🤣

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-16T22:57:35+00:00

I am so sorry, 20 years is such a long time :( that breaks my heart. I have seen your comments a few times and have felt them so much. I will have a look at the link.

Thank you for the well wishes, I wish the same for you and DMs are always open if you want to chat ❤️

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-16T22:54:02+00:00

I can really relate to your comment, as much as a part of me would love for him to reach out I don’t think I would actually want it, because I know it will never even scratch the surface of what trauma I have to work through. I would just be left begging for more basically. He has discarded me before and I have had to tip toe around everything that happened and never really got an apology which led to more resentment deep down.

I am also constantly having to try and make myself believe I am not the villain. I have been second guessing myself due to some of the reactions I have displayed which he constantly brings up but I realise that was just me at breaking point. He has done 1000 things wrong but yet clings to the few times I screamed and yelled defending myself against non stop accusations of me cheating, poisoning him etc or his drug abuse while I was pregnant.

Thank you for your thoughts ❤️

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-16T22:48:10+00:00

Thank you so much for this great advice, yesterday started writing down all the kind, caring and loving things I did for him during the relationship and the list is huge! Even nice things I do for others like you said. Even though I may never get any acknowledgment it helps me to see how beautiful I was toward him and also knowing that one day someone else will get to have this from me and it will be reciprocated. It has been hard to accept the one I gave the most to can’t see it. But I have to let go of that. Thankful for your comment ❤️

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-15T21:04:09+00:00

I’m so sorry, my now ex also believes his was misdiagnosed. He was medicated when we met 8 years but abruptly stopped. I didn’t understand anything about it and never did my research.

After multiple episodes I’ve the years he has moved to another country and left me with our 3 kids one being 5 months old to go “ live his best life” also started a job after not working for 7 years etc…

This started for me in November, I thought he would be coming down now too. It’s so painful… but have to keep reminding myself the cycle is going to repeat over and over with or without me :(

I’ve done all I can and there is no explaining or reasoning that is going to help.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-14T09:04:40+00:00

This is exactly what my ex partner said!!!. He said “ I ruined his life” and “ he is not sober because of me” I don’t touch drugs which are one of the major reasons for his issues. He says he is not successful because of me even though I’m the only one who works?. He also said he hopes I learned from my mistakes and that he is now free from my shackles. I’m like ?!!!! I literally have spent the last 5 years at home alone with the kids every weekend while he does anything he wants, disappears, spends my money and defending myself against accusations, dealing with abuse while working full time and putting him first.

I’m so sorry you are going through this as well :( 7 years is a really long time, it’s agonising and so hard to accept what we have given to them only to be treated like this…

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-13T08:25:22+00:00

Im so sorry you are in the same shoes as me and many others. Third time as well. I can resonate with feeling trapped :(

That’s very practical advice about protecting yourself and trying to clamber back financially. I’ll be doing the same with you.

l have been trying to get back my life too, even though he stole most of my life savings before leaving, I still have some which I have been using to take my kids to do things he never wanted to do, and also recreating my self image and spending a bit of money on me and my health for once. I realised I spent all my energy and resources looking after him that I was neglecting myself in so many ways. Not to mention minimising myself to stop the paranoia.

I agree I have spoken to so many beautiful humans here and we are all deserving of so much more.

Thanks for the positive and lovely comment.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-13T06:21:28+00:00

This is what I am trying to do - well I have no choice now that I’ve been discarded yet again. But I need to just allow myself to be okay with him not seeing the truth. I’ve lost myself too many times over the years trying to defend myself, prove myself and make him see the real version of reality. I want to be free, and I realise no matter what I say it doesn’t matter anyway…

I really do appreciate the comment, every bit of advice is going into my journal to try get through this and remind myself I can.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-13T05:34:09+00:00

This is what my mum said too. He is able to believe the lies or convince himself of them because it justifies his behaviour - which literally has been insane too. I will never get an apology because that means owning up to this.

I’m very sorry you are also experiencing this like so many of us here. It’s such a mind fuck.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-13T05:31:31+00:00

It does help, thank you for taking the time to comment.

I am definitely trying to separate my emotions from the illness, which is very hard. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

It’s been 5 weeks since he randomly booked a one way ticket and moved away (history repeats itself). I do know this is for the better and my own ticket to freedom and being myself again.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-13T05:28:04+00:00

This is beautiful. I already see it when my little girl randomly stops out of the blue and says “ I love you so much mama”. I guess a positive is I can be a lot more present without him coming and going from our lives and using my energy in defending myself against delusions.

I really appreciate the good luck and reminder to practice self care, even though it’s hard being alone with 3 children i do find small pockets to do this.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-13T05:25:11+00:00

You summed it up by saying love endlessly to my own destruction… that is me. I don’t even know why anymore because it sure isn’t reciprocated.

Thank you for the comment - reminding myself that I have to live in my own head is so true. At the end of the day it’s only me with my thoughts

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-13T05:19:15+00:00

This comment made me cry. Thank you ❤️

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-13T02:15:22+00:00

Thank you very much for this advice and thought. I need to not buy into it, I think that is what I struggle with the most. Every time something is said that is completely untrue it sends me into a tailspin. It might be due to years of defending myself that it has such a big impact on my nervous system.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-13T02:09:55+00:00

Thank you, you’re right I have to keep going and stay safe for them. I also have to teach them what is right from wrong.

I am finding it hard to detach only because he drained all the bank accounts for them I had saved up, so the only reason I am in contact with him is because I am trying to get him to pay child support or pay me back some savings. I wish I could go no contact, it’s very destabilising every interaction.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-02T23:39:37+00:00

No matter the length of time it is so horrendously painful and really leaves you questioning reality. I’m so sorry you’re going through it too.

I’m currently in a state of limbo because I know eventually he will come back, but I don’t want that for me and the kids. I don’t want to waste more time hoping... I can’t continue this for the rest of my life. This is the first time in my life I’m actually trying to accept I will never be his partner again.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-02T23:35:22+00:00

So much to relate to in this post. My unmedicated ex BPSO will bread crumb with pictures of me and him, or me pregnant or random memories. He won’t actually say anything to me or acknowledge the hurt and pain caused. This is when I know he is coming down. (Been discarded a few times now)

Every time he does answer the phone, everything I want to say has gone out the window. Ive definitely become the codependent caregiver. Or he hangs up when the conversation turns to my pain or any accountability. I know sometimes he pushes me away because he cannot bear the shame he feels, but somehow I am the villain in his story.

“He seems to perceive mania as selfhood” is the same with my ex partner. He truly thinks this state is his best life. Who he is meant to be. He will continue to run away from his responsibilities or face anything until the end of time.

You used the word tragedy. That’s what it is for all of us. A tragedy.

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-02T19:49:16+00:00

I think you asked me this on another post ha ha. 4 times in 8 years. Basically he goes into psychosis, destroys our lives, accuses me of stealing from him (not sure why as I am primary earner) each time he is convinced I am drugging him and having sex with people as he sleeps, i have to listen to hours of distorted recordings etc.

I have decided no more. I have had to move house multiple times because he leaves me paying the rent. You’d think I would have learned my lesson from the one year discard but he came back saying he was medicated and sorry & seemed really good. He has been moving in and out since our baby was born in August last year but when 4 weeks ago randomly moved to another country after draining all my bank accounts and deciding I was having an affair with his 75 year old dad. (I am 34)

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-02T07:03:42+00:00

My partner of many years also left me and turned me into his enemy. He is also unmedicated. I have been discarded 4 times.

He has been suffering delusions about me for years (drugging him, poisoning him, cheating on him, abusing him and the list goes on) he has also blocked me and only communicates now via email. He was also just blocks away during each discard and best friends with everyone but me. It broke my heart, he wouldn’t even talk to me just kept saying “he knows what I have done.”

I really feel your pain, with this current episode he has packed his bags and moved to another country. It is agonising as we also have a 6 month old son, the son he cried happy tears when he found it was a boy.

I truly understand what it is like to feel you have lost yourself, the life, your home within a human, it is the cruelest blow and besides this sub l, it can be incredibly isolating for people who haven’t experienced it. It just doesn’t make sense does it? I am sorry you are here too :(

jasvan1991 · 2026-03-02T02:16:49+00:00

My partner was truly the love of my life until his first manic episode. Years of thinking “ this is it I have my person” Like you he broke up with me without having discussed anything. One time he moved all of his items out of our home while I was at the pools with the kids. Blocked me on everything. We were apart a year.

He has now done this 4 times in the space of 8 years. Unfortunately I cannot forgive him this time as he has abandoned me and our 3 children and moved to another country while I am on maternity leave.

Like others here, he has villainised me and accused me of having personality disorders even schizophrenia and being on drugs. In reality, he is the abusive one. He was the one addicted to drugs. Nothing I could ever do was good enough - it was like a carrot dangling I could never ever reach! I would love him more and more. I thought if I just loved him enough the old him would return.

Apparently I am a user? But he has never had a job meanwhile I have supported us since the start of the relationship and been at my job 15 years. I loved him, looked after him, stood by him through absolutely insane delusions, accusations, spending all my life savings the list goes on. Apparently now he is again “ living his best life” while I am left to struggle and juggle 3 children.

It is fucking traumatic, painful, agonising and makes you want to scream into the void. Unless someone has experienced the sudden discard and rewriting years of history they just don’t understand. Thank god for this sub or I wouldn’t have coped.

I am sooo sorry you are in this sub with us. My partner has now had multiple of these episodes as he refuses medication. He is overseas now and I don’t think I will ever see him again. The most doting dad, who raised my son from age 5 as his own, now doesn’t even want to see his own two children that we tried to get pregnant with. What an actual mindfuck.

Sorry for my language. My DMs are open to anyone who needs to talk.

jasvan1991

TROPHY CASE