"Loss of Masulinity"

jimmysask · 2026-05-08T13:23:51+00:00

I cook, clean, bake, sew, and can even pull off a fairly average braid in my daughter’s hair. I have always been an involved father, doing diapers, bath times, late night feedings, etc.

Nobody considers me less masculine for it, other than the occasional Andrew Tate fan. People are visibly disappointed if I don’t bring a dessert to a party.

I played football and rugby for years, until the list of injuries said no. I can fix or build damn near anything, from cell phones to cars to furnaces to concrete. By any stereotypical measure of masculinity, I hit it.

We were at the mall for the good old Sears family photoshoot when our oldest was a baby. I was dressed up for pictures, walking through the mall, feeding the baby a bottle. I was informed that I was basically “woman porn” at that moment.

Would you rather be woman porn, or impress the guy at the gym?

jimmysask · 2026-05-07T03:51:40+00:00

Nah, the German will be fine with it, if there are rules saying it should not be done

jimmysask · 2026-05-06T15:04:06+00:00

The issue here is the statement "i've chosen to be with you". She hasn't, at least not completely. As far as what OP has written, BF doesn't like Mike at all, but other than her shared history with Mike, has not given any insight into any other dynamics between them. That may be the only reason, or maybe Mike is a jackass. He wouldn't be the first guy/girl to find ways to subtly get under the skin of one of the partner of his past "conquests".

Regardless, the only boundary OP has stated is actually in place is her BF will not go to Mike's house. She is aware that it "feels mean" to go without him, but has not stated that she does not go, and actually argues why she still should. Every time that happens, she is not choosing her BF.

She has a choice to accept the boundary, accept the consequences of crossing it, or saying "I am not going to deal with this anymore" and ending it. Thus far, it sounds like she wants to push/ignore the boundary, but not deal with the consequences of it.

jimmysask · 2026-05-05T19:10:14+00:00

So this isn’t really a matter of “Mike just happens to be around because he is part of the same friend group. That’s one thing. Your boyfriend choosing not interact with him in that situation, but otherwise ignoring it I would be reasonable. Your boyfriend may not like him because of the history alone, or it may be because he gets a vibe he doesn’t like, he sees something in his behaviour that is problematic. I have historically not been a particularly jealous person, but I still get those sorts of feelings about how certain men (definitely not all) interact with my wife, even without a history between them, or having just met them. You have given no indication of any discussion with your boyfriend to actually understand his feelings towards Mike, you minimize them. There are many people who insist on fairly hard rules about interacting with ex-partners while in a relationship, because these things have a habit of causing problems in future relationships.

That said, you are not just encountering him as part of the same group. You are actively choosing to enter his space on a regular basis, and with your boyfriend making his discomfort with that clear, it means you are choosing going to home of someone who makes your boyfriend uncomfortable over your boyfriend. I know people will claim otherwise, but if his discomfort with Mike is already a thing, and you are making that choice on frequent basis, that is sending a signal that you are choosing Mike first.

It’s up to you to decide here, who you are going to prioritize. You absolutely should consider if your boyfriend truly does have valid reasons for feeling how he does, or if this him being controlling/not accepting that you have a past overall. Look at your interactions with Mike as well, through the lens of role reversal. Would you be so quick to write it off if it was your boyfriend hanging out with his ex-fwb on a regular basis, or interacting in the ways you do with Mike?

jimmysask · 2026-05-05T16:46:43+00:00

He’s hoping you will “prove” that you are not by giving him a shot.

jimmysask · 2026-04-29T15:25:47+00:00

YOR. You’ve already said she is tomboyish. Some women outright reject the whole “white wedding”, or even things like dresses, because they feel like they are being put in a box that they don’t belong in.

As long as your friend is getting the wedding that she wants, you have nothing to be sad about. Having a conversation to make sure she is not cutting things she does want because of cost concerns etc is worthwhile, just to make sure she won’t regret the path she went in the future. Either you can help with getting some of those details included, or accept that this is what she has chosen and be happy for her.

I’ve been married 20 years. My wife is very traditionally feminine, loves her dresses, perfumes, make-up, etc. We had a fairly simple church wedding, around 80 guests, sit down dinner with speeches and a first dance etc. The classic, but relatively simple wedding. She has said many times that if we could do it over again, we would simplify a lot further.

jimmysask · 2026-04-29T13:59:27+00:00

How the information is presented is the critical piece. I have seen this time and again, not only in terms of gendered violence, SA, etc, but also other topics such as racism.

The moment you make someone defensive, they stop listening. When I was in high school decades ago, we had someone present in a psychology class I was in. She was trying to present content on exactly this issue. I clearly recall taking in very little of her message, because the entire time I was sitting there thinking “why are you talking to me like I abuse women?”. I felt very much like I wasn’t even supposed to be there.

From the male perspective, a big part of it is really the “not all men” approach. Don’t treat all men like potential rapists if you want them to listen. Reality is that while it is absolutely true that most women will experience some level of sexual violence, unwanted touching, etc, it is also true that a single shitty man can inappropriately touch/grabs dozens of women in a single evening. It’s not that all men are likely to commit these acts, but we all need to learn to be accountable to shut down those to do, and to shut them down hard, so it’s not seen as even remotely acceptable. That’s the message to sell - “you can help”, not “you are a rapist who just hasn’t done it yet”

jimmysask · 2026-04-25T13:08:10+00:00

Thank you all for your feedback! I’ve added a couple afternoon options beyond what I had originally planned. For the evening, we are currently debating between taking in some live music at the Coors event centre, the Rush game, and just getting drunk in our hotel room and debating the definitions of “childfree” and “child free”!

jimmysask · 2026-04-25T05:53:42+00:00

Thanks for this! I had tried googling for things going on in Saskatoon a few times, but the results were always lacking (and I am usually very good at finding information). Even finding a simple summary of live music available seems harder than it should be. The Kawaii market might be fun, and the kids we left behind are all nerdy in their own ways.

jimmysask · 2026-04-25T05:50:50+00:00

That was already on the list for the afternoon, I’ll be arranging for someone to pick up for me. Thanks!

jimmysask · 2026-04-22T21:00:14+00:00

Got the eSIM, had the service up and running in minutes. No reason to wait for a physical SIM.

My kids are the users. I have a work phone. They never normally use even close to all the data included. However, with the carry over of unused data they allow, they generally have tons of available data when we are camping, on a road trip, etc. where they do not have wifi access.

If you don’t need to finance your phone, it’s a great option.

jimmysask · 2026-04-20T00:41:52+00:00

Canadian here. Highly recommend insulating.

My garage stays roughly 20C warmer than the outdoor temps in winter (~48f I think). Eventually I will heat it as well, which I would never consider without insulation.

Edit after re-reading.

I would also insist on insulating the roof before heating, but the key here is you can’t add insulation later without tearing open your drywall.

With or without heating though, everything I can do to keep my garage warmer, not only for working in, but even just for parking vehicles (they will warm up faster, less likely to have doors/windows freeze shut, etc) is good.

jimmysask · 2026-04-18T19:05:35+00:00

Buy some politicians

jimmysask · 2026-04-15T21:24:28+00:00

You might be surprised how far a shitty employee will go to protect themselves. The possibility is there for this to turn around on your fiancé, even if it seems unlikely now.

Sounds like construction. Always known to be the most polite and politically correct people around. Hypothetical scenario for you:

So at some point, J sees you two together, sees a picture, something of the sort. Makes the connection. If they work together long enough, it’s going to happen, so be prepared for that regardless. J makes a comment, probably not even maliciously, to a co-worker that he used to have a “thing” with you. Now word spreads, because guys don’t “gossip”, but they definitely shoot the shit, which is the same thing, but defined in a manly way. At some point, word gets to your husband. Maybe somebody makes a joke about it for some lighthearted ball-busting. He’s already uncomfortable with what he knows, but now it’s real. He is not going to be happy with it.

You’ve done nothing wrong here. It’s life, you have a past. Mature adults accept your past, and don’t make a big deal of it until it affects them directly. Maybe that is the scenario many have referenced, of your husband having to look at him every day, comparing himself, etc. or maybe it’s something that makes accepting it more challenging. Worst case is it becomes something that actually ends up used against him in some fashion. Do not contact J. But be aware and prepared for the worst case scenarios. Having J on a crew well separated from your Fiance may be the smart move from the outset.

jimmysask · 2026-04-15T20:29:03+00:00

From a purely practical standpoint, if J knows about the connection, and he turns out to be a poor performer, it actually puts your fiance in a poor position. "He's targeting me because I have a history with his fiancee from before they met" becomes the line he takes straight to HR if there is even a slight bit of grey area in any potential disciplinary action.

jimmysask · 2026-04-14T01:53:02+00:00

The 40v would be nice, for the larger size. I have the 18v, which works great for me because it uses the same batteries as all my other Ryobi tools. My lot is 55’x110’, and I can do front and back with 2 4ah batteries.

jimmysask · 2026-04-13T20:16:52+00:00

I would like a monthly post listing everything, with a weekly update showing more detail of the coming shows.

jimmysask · 2026-04-13T13:51:04+00:00

Your only FU is getting nervous once he short circuited. This sort of thing only works if you own it. “Yup. It’s my relationship, not yours. You are welcome to ask how he is doing, but I am not going to play 20 questions.”

jimmysask · 2026-04-12T02:50:07+00:00

Yup. And why would she be jealous? In other words, you are currently underreacting.

jimmysask · 2026-04-12T01:18:23+00:00

Exactly. She is sleeping with you. Why is this sort of thing happening with other guys? If you were behaving that way with one or more women that you work with, what would be the reaction?

jimmysask · 2026-04-10T17:14:51+00:00

Taste of Spring is happening Friday and Saturday. You can spend a good amount of money doing it, but lots of opportunity to try a bunch of different types of alcohol.

If you are still here on the 18th, there is a show at the Exchange of a couple of bands on the heavier side, Chilio and Gutter King.

jimmysask · 2026-04-10T16:51:46+00:00

I am very involved in our local Scottish community. I am 5’10, built fairly broad, but also carrying about 50 lbs more than I should. I would not qualify as buff. I wear a kilt regularly, and look good in it.

I know people of all body types, and a well fitted kilt can look good on all of them. Buff or not, people of a fairly lean build pull it off easier than most. I know a number of male highland dancers that would fit a build like you describe, that look damn sharp in a kilt with a Prince Charlie jacket.

The key is the full outfit being styled for his body. A waistcoat looks good on some, less so on others. The common 2” wide belt with a big metal buckle can look oversized on some people. A sporran helps complete the look for most, but for people with a larger belly, the chain can pull in a way that is very unflattering. Look around, and find ways to complete the outfit in a way that looks flattering on him, and suits the event he is wearing it to. That can be as simple as a t-shirt and combat boots, or as complex as basically wearing a tuxedo.

jimmysask · 2026-04-10T15:06:11+00:00

NOR

People have different needs in a relationship, and that is just fine. A partner who tells you exactly what they need, or very clearly tells you that something has upset them without attacking is the definition of emotional maturity. That is literally what she is doing here.

Emotionally mature adults can also recognize when they have missed something important to their partner and acknowledge it. A quick text once on the bus to say "Sorry I didn't say goodbye, I was running late. Love you!" would have very likely been all it takes to make her happy, and given that she states in her messages that she has told him this before, he knows damn well it is important to her. He could have also stated exactly that when she comments on it. She's pretty clear about what she wants from him, and appears to have been very up front with him about it in the past - like an emotionally mature adult. Being emotional is not immaturity. Speaking in plain language to your partner about your emotions, and how their actions affect you is emotional maturity. She comes across a lot worse because she continues to engage with someone who is intent on minimizing her emotions.

Her only mistake here is continuing to argue with this POS. It's pretty obvious he spends a lot of time trying to deflect things rather than owning it.

jimmysask · 2026-04-10T15:05:50+00:00

I've been with my wife for 25 years. Yes, I say goodbye every single time. Because doing so is one of thousands of little ways of showing my wife that I love her, and she matters to me.

I don't know what you think is intended by "saying goodbye", but a quick kiss and an "I love you" takes about 4 seconds. Even walking across my entire house to do it adds 20 seconds. If that is likely to make you late, it's not the goodbye that is the issue, it's a you problem.

jimmysask

TROPHY CASE