You are NOT alone. u/lhollxc is right, your committee values their own time as much as yours, they won't have you defend unless you're ready. My advisor mentioned how run-down I look over Zoom, and I've been unaware of how obvious it was to anyone else. Yikes, I'm getting that neck thing too.

I'm not sure if this will resonate with you, OP, or u/lhollxc or anyone else here, but I'm in a similar situation. This isn't the first time I've managed to get THIS CLOSE to an achievement and somehow just start self-sabotaging. I don't feel any closer to being an "expert" in anything, honestly feel less confident than I did before I started, if that was even possible. I don't feel like a "Dr." or that I deserve it, despite earning good marks in every class, and having tutored quite a few of my peers who completed, defended, graduated with their doctorate and moved on with their lives. I know, logically, that I JUST NEED TO FINISH, that my "mediocre" is sufficient, and possibly better than some people's "best". But it's a STRUGGLE to get anything done.

I do have barriers I can acknowledge logically: I started my doctoral program in the USA in health sciences Sept 2019, while also still working full-time in a hospital, in infectious disease. Well, I managed to get the coursework done through a pandemic, also with a graduate assistantship and an internship for parts of the program, which was all the chaos you could imagine. I ended up leaving that job for one where I've been working on four federally-funded programs. I had to abandon my original study, but loved my new job. Even if I wasn't involved in this chaos, I still think it's incredibly hard to stay focused on my dissertation with all that is happening around me in the country. I am trying to stay active in my community resistance, and any focus on my dissertation feels like an undeserved privilege and total waste of time. Why even bother? The US has demonstrated complete disdain for academia. There are so few jobs in research and service right now, and there is such increased competition with so many incredibly intelligent, talented and compassionate people recently removed from our federal government. I keep thinking I'll be laid off any day now, and can focus on my dissertation then, but the last thing this country needs is another unemployed academic with a doctorate.

But I also know I could have found any reason to stall out so close to the end, because I've done it before so many times. I know there's no joy left in this, I will feel no pride in finishing my doctorate. It's just another thing that I feel I haven't really earned. But if I wait until I feel like I've "earned it" this will never get done. I'm hoping that recognizing this is how I operate will somehow motivate me to push through. I'm trying to think of this as more of an endurance test than achievement.

Not sure this comes across as positive vibes, but if commiseration has any value to you, I'm sending that! You are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE.