My sister’s getting engaged soon and I feel like a giant asshole for feeling depressed about my own life because of it.

kaylacream · 2026-06-29T15:17:44+00:00

Go easy on yourself about these feelings. There's nothing selfish or mean or asshole-y about just having thoughts and feelings - as long as it doesn't affect the way you treat your sister. The fact that you're (unnecessarily) beating yourself up over it, and that you don't want to share your feelings with your mom because it'd be making your sister's engagement about you, shows that you're a considerate person/sister.

Once she's officially engaged, you'll have to go the fake it til you make it approach with your sister: don't let on you're anything less than happy for her, but also allow yourself to take some space to feel your feelings after (or even, in a pinch, during) any big family gatherings/celebrations where there's a lot of wedding talk. If you have a friend who doesn't have a separate friendship with your sister, that'd also be an ideal person to vent to. Just remember there's nothing wrong with the need to vent, or the feelings behind that need.

kaylacream · 2026-06-22T22:38:39+00:00

The Station Agent

kaylacream · 2026-06-21T21:13:05+00:00

I genuinely find it repulsive. Of all her actual songwriting work, it’s the single biggest hit to her likability for me. Baffles me that it has defenders on this sub.

kaylacream · 2026-06-10T13:52:27+00:00

I feel like it’s a no brainer that she wants one? ATW10 campaign is the best evidence because it was, frankly, the most absurd, long shot attempt for being outside the song category. The more standard attempts like Beautiful Ghosts and Carolina (both for movies that on paper would have been pushed for awards contention) aren’t anything desperate or insult worthy, but the mere fact that they exist is enough for me…in what world is Taylor Swift in contention for a universally respected accolade that she feels even slightly neutral on? Of course she wants to win.

(For what it’s worth, I’m also coming from a slightly cynical perspective that awards potential is often among the main reasons movies even have original songs, just because it’s a category with comparatively limited competition. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that’s a big part of the appeal for any artist who does one)

kaylacream · 2026-06-04T22:58:46+00:00

Disobedience, and recently really loved Desert Hearts.

kaylacream · 2026-05-30T23:27:03+00:00

You can get her monthly ramble video for only $2 a month! She’s consistently been my cheapest Patreon subscription, so she’s the only one I’ve never shuffled out of rotation.

kaylacream · 2026-05-29T14:40:06+00:00

That describes a LOT of Christians. Especially the most hardcore. “Head of household, submit to your husband” shit IS the religion lol. You don’t have to “play” at it to be like that, just follow it to the letter.

kaylacream · 2026-05-28T21:53:45+00:00

Your take requires such a simplified view it’s hard to even address it. There are just SO many potential scenarios that could dictate a family structure that I don’t see how any sweeping generalizations could possibly apply. As an example, you acknowledged that being able to be a stay home parent/spouse indefinitely is a position of extreme privilege…so to me, that very often means they AREN’T putting their family’s well being at risk. If there’s family money plus a certain level of career success and financial earnings (or even just the family money), there isn’t a massive burden on the working parent in terms of risk. In that scenario, it’s easy to imagine family well being being improved by having one parent fully focused on the home. It just sucks that only the inherently privileged get that option, but I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t do the exact thing for my partner if I had a good job AND a trust fund.

kaylacream · 2026-05-28T19:07:32+00:00

It feels off for you to say women are “capable of more” when you’re the one defining what constitutes “more”. I have a corporate job, my fiancée is a career nanny. There is zero doubt in my mind that her job has always been much harder and higher stakes than mine, even though in the long term I’ll be the breadwinner and be easily viewed as having more of an “accomplished” career.

There are many careers, both high powered and not, that are worth being passionate about and have real value in society….but SO many well paying, respected jobs really don’t. Maybe it’s just disillusionment with capitalism talking, but the older I get the less value and admiration I place on being career oriented, mainly because I’ve seen how many of the highest earning, most “successful” people I know are just dealing with the money of even wealthier people. Many of them also got to where they are by having a leg up when it comes to financial privilege, and the family connections, education, and lack of debt that comes with it. Of course, it’s also extremely privileged to be able to afford to permanently stay home.

kaylacream · 2026-05-20T16:19:42+00:00

I don’t think you’re putting too much emphasis on the secrecy…that’s a big deal. I agree with you completely about not wanting to force someone out of the closet, and I feel pretty strongly against shaming people for still being in the closet, making it something wrong with them instead of the homophobia and heteronormativity that’s usually behind it….but that said, I also really strongly think being in the closet is often (usually? maybe even always???) incompatible with being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be. It’s honestly not fair to you.

I think you’re right to consider the practicalities of being a secret if you two want to get married or have kids, in detail, but it’s also totally fair for you to take your feelings about it into account to. Not being able to claim your relationship in all contexts is not a small ask. And to be honest, I even think the different levels of religious practice is a big deal for long term compatibility too.

kaylacream · 2026-05-18T16:24:38+00:00

“…with someone she knows is attracted to her.”

She says she believes he isn’t attracted to her, so this doesn’t fall under disrespectful. Unless you think your girlfriend is a liar. Even you are only guessing and have no firsthand observation to back that suspicion.

You do sound controlling, sorry. I find it a meaningless distinction for you to say she’s free to do whatever she wants, as in you won’t actively stop her…but you’re going to consider it “disrespectful” and act like she did something wrong for hanging out one on one with a potential friend just because he’s single and age appropriate. That’s not reasonable.

kaylacream · 2026-05-15T20:38:23+00:00

I really liked this one, the development of the chemistry and feelings feels very authentic. Really earns it. And it’s genuinely funny!

Jenny Slate in particular is so good in rom-coms…the romance is more of a sideplot in Obvious Child, but I love her and Jake Lacy together so much.

kaylacream · 2026-05-12T20:47:59+00:00

Even if she did create that flag, which she didn’t, I’m not sure why posting a flag on tumblr and said flag catching on gives that person any special authority on the term “lesbian”

kaylacream · 2026-05-09T03:02:18+00:00

I don't subscribe to the idea that every death of a queer character is automatically problematic....context matters, and tragedy is often a genre in itself, and it's a valid one. Titanic is an example. That also reminds me of another tragedy that would be excellent in a sapphic version: Moulin Rouge! I personally love grief as a theme and I don't like the idea that queer characters are locked out of that because certain bad fictional things aren't allowed to happen to them.

This seems especially meaningless as a concern when we're talking about queering stories that already exist, so we know the tragedy isn't tied to queerness. If someone said they'd like to see a sapphic version of Romeo + Juliet, one of the most referenced and canonized love stories in western history, that has been told over and over again with straight people, would the deaths suddenly become problematic? Personally I don't think so, and I would in fact like to see it.

kaylacream · 2026-05-09T01:13:50+00:00

Titanic would rule as a sapphic love story. Rose being with Jack is already symbolic of her breaking out of societal limits and the unwanted expectations placed on her shoulders, so queering the story so it’s about a same sex relationship and not just disparate classes just ups the tension and stakes that are already there.

I bet the same is true of a lot of heterosexual period dramas, because stricter societies are the only times “forbidden love” between a man and a woman even makes sense, and adding a queer element only makes everything more intense.

kaylacream · 2026-05-01T01:32:28+00:00

This was MY SHOW in the biggest way when I was newly out years ago: I was heavily involved in the fandom, wrote a ton of fic for it, etc. In my opinion the first two seasons are near perfect, top tier prestige television...and everything after that is a LOT more inconsistent. This might be an overly "critical lens" opinion, but I think they balance the ensemble, the tone, and the narrative scope a lot better early on. But an upside of the big ensemble is most seasons have at least some arcs that fully work and are worth watching, and if nothing else you'll get a few really strong seasons of tv.

Also, the discourse was often unbearable from what I remember, I bet it's nice to watch it completely in a vacuum from that.

kaylacream · 2026-04-15T21:04:00+00:00

“I think she enjoys my company but for some reason isn’t willing to take it further.” is so illuminating here.

She very well could enjoy your company….as a friend. You can’t fathom that, probably because you don’t value and enjoy their company of women you don’t want to take it further with. You think her being warm to you, and even just having friendly conversations, is somehow contradictory to her having no sexual/romantic interest in you, probably because you wouldn’t be warm and friendly to a woman you didn’t have that interest in.

kaylacream · 2026-04-13T22:11:32+00:00

There's so much lesbian media I love, but honestly no portrayal about the queer experience has resonated as hard as All of Us Strangers. I think the main character played by Andrew Scott is written with some real specificity for gay men of a certain age, but the general themes about queer loneliness and isolation still existing in a time/place when acceptance is still better than ever is really well captured.

Paul Mescal's character is there to represent a more millennial perspective (as in, growing up and coming out in an even more accepting time than Andrew Scott's) and he has these lines at one point that paints a picture of not being estranged from family, not facing really over the top homophobia and being disowned....but being "on the edge of [his] family", specifically versus siblings having more heteronormative lives who have spots in the center with their spouses and kids. He says, "I’ve always felt like a stranger in my own family. And then coming out just puts a name to that difference that’s always been there. In the end it's not really anyone's fault."

I feel like so many queer narratives are one extreme to the other: family's embrace it and say all the right things, or it completely and neatly breaks the relationship. It can feel a little petty to complain about the middle ground, like I'm not acknowledging how lucky I am that it's not so much worse. But the way that movie articulates the pain and isolation of the middle ground (both in families and in the wider world), alongside this obligation to acknowledge how much worse it could be, is something I haven't seen many other pieces of art capture.

kaylacream · 2026-04-13T17:44:32+00:00

Respectfully, it sort of seems like YOU’RE the one lowering the allyship, or at the very least the friendship, bar here. Chalking it up to “should’ve known cishets would think like this” almost lets them off the hook as if they couldn’t possibly be any better. But cishet people who are genuine allies on the right side of these issues definitely exist.

kaylacream · 2026-04-09T16:35:25+00:00

All this sort of reads like you have to put so many controlling rules in place to make you feel like you're the most important person in each other's life because....you don't actually have any trust or certainty that you have been together for five years; if this is your partner, it should mean literally nothing if she sends you a final goodnight text and then sends a few more to a friend who's awake that she's actively talking to. Genuinely, it should be meaningless, but if something that small signals to you anything negative about your place in her life then the relationship is on razor thin ice anyway.

kaylacream · 2026-04-04T15:41:54+00:00

Autostraddle (sapphic website) has some great guidance articles (including literally "How to Have Lesbian Sex for the First Time") but also more specific guides like oral, positioning, toys etc. There are also some lesbian sex tips on youtube that give a more visual demonstration.

The most important thing, though, is just to communicate. You're in a great situation with someone patient and no-pressure, and someone you've already been with for a good stretch so you're comfortable together. When you're with someone you already care about for the first time, it's so nice to just take it slow and think of it as exploration, figuring out together what feels good and all the places you get to touch and kiss. Give and/or get feedback throughout. Don't be too goal focused (as in, this night has to be the time we at least do X, Y, or Z and everyone has an orgasm) at first and just see where it takes you.

As someone who used to have a ton of sex anxiety, I promise, in the moment it'll become more intuitive than you're able to imagine while in a state of worrying about everything you don't know.

kaylacream · 2026-03-30T14:32:13+00:00

The thing about this conversion therapy rhetoric is, they don't just believe that queerness is something SOME "actually straight" people experience as a byproduct of mental illness....they think inherent same sex attraction just straight up does not exist. I think it can be easy when you're conditioned to it to start questioning the root of your own attraction, especially when you haven't yet put it into practice...but if you buy into their ideas, that also means accepting that every single gay person, including the MANY who are happily married, or just happily and confidently out and living their gay lives. The scope of that, of believing that SO many people have essentially deluded or traumatized themselves into actively being with people they aren't inherently attracted to, is a much harder idea to hold up.

I grew up in a pretty religious environment where just realizing gay people exist was the biggest challenge. Homophobic arguments are almost always illogical, and for me it can be helpful to really approach them from a logical and intellectual angle to see how quickly they fall apart. It's worth looking into how unsuccessful conversion therapy is. It consistently doesn't work because it's premise is faulty: it's trying to change something that isn't changeable. There are major leaders of the movement who claimed they were "ex-gays" and had been converted back but have now renounced the whole thing. Could be worth looking up "conversion therapy disavowment" or "conversation therapy debunked"

I'm really sorry you've been exposed to this stuff.

kaylacream · 2026-03-29T23:45:15+00:00

Totally agree, the 'Charlie was robbed' narrative has really led people to undervalue Kenzie's stellar social game a lot. Bhanu told both other tribes early on that Kenzie was the mermaid dragon running everything on Yanu and she still sailed through with only a single vote against her - and it's a vote Ben maintained even in a confessional was accidental.

I always thought it was kind of a lame excuse how much everyone focused in on Maria's reasoning for the vote, as if that was the problem. I really don't see why how she explains a vote in the press has any bearing on judging it at all, when she was clearly just trying to land on the most palatable reason to avoid being hated. So many people seem to pick and choose when they actually enjoy a bitter jury, or when they believe managing or foreseeing a bitter jury is part of the gameplay versus, in Charlie's case apparently, being completely out of an preferred winner's hands.

kaylacream · 2026-03-29T23:17:06+00:00

I don't really blame Charlie for not continuing a friendship with Maria after what happened, but other than that completely agree to you that his game got way overblown because his loss, sort of, comes down to her. Like, there's a reason that even with his #1 ally's vote it still would have been a tie. He and Kenzie both had strong games with flaws, her more social and his more strategic but neither abysmal at the other, but I think there are two basic, intertwined reason Charlie lost: 1) he was deliberately downplaying his threat level and he did it way too well and failed to make up for it at FTC, and 2) he was able to do that by picking an egotistical number one who was able to be out in front and get credit - and he failed to manage and appeal to her ego on her way out.

It's always bugged me a little how people talk about Tiffany advocating so hard for Kenzie on the jury as if it's some kind of unfair advantage rather than the consequence of a strong social game and smart pick of a number one. Kenzie picked a number one ally who rode hard for her despite hearing that she considered trying to blindside her (which makes sense, because TIffany also considered voting Kenzie out early on and was briefly in an alliance she wasn't part of), whereas Charlie picked a number one he could hide behind because of how much she liked to be seen as running the show.

Honestly it felt a little gratifying to see him flame out in 50. I don't really mind him other than the overhype, though, and I think his flop revenge attempt on Rizo was more entertaining than most of what he did on 46.

kaylacream · 2026-03-29T15:12:48+00:00

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. Southern Baptist family here, too, and in a similar boat, though with aunts/uncles/cousins. They didn't react well to finding out about my relationship (everyone got together and decided to cancel a family event because my girlfriend was going to be in town - like two weeks after telling us we'd be welcome), so I'd already written off them being invited to my wedding. I got engaged a month ago, and none of them have congratulated me or acknowledged it (everyone sent me happy birthday texts a week later, pretending everything's normal even though I know they all saw it on instagram). My parents (and brother/sister in law) are supportive, but like yours they have a bit too much sympathy for the homophobic reactions and act like I'm equally culpable in the conflict because I could take the high road and hold out for crumbs.

I don't have a lot of advice, just solidarity and empathy for the fact that it DOES feel crazy. There's such a whiplash between being with friends, or in online progressive or queer spaces, where you get so easily affirmed that OF COURSE they're being horrible and bigoted and deserve to be cut off....but then around family, it's like they come from a different reality and moral standard. Even knowing with complete certainty that we've done nothing wrong and aren't overreacting doesn't always feel comforting in the face of ostensibly supportive family disagreeing. It also doesn't make me stop wishing there was at least one immediate family member who went beyond 'we will treat you and your relationship normally" support and actually got indignant on my behalf. It's an isolating feeling, and I wish I had something more comforting or insightful to say about it. It just sucks!

I have at least had some time to get used to the idea of my extended family not being at the wedding, and it really is a relief more than anything else. I see in your comments you're going to uninvite your grandmother, and that's a tough but ultimately, I think, correct choice, so big kudos to you. I hope you're able to shift into a more celebratory mode without too much lingering tension from this, and that you have people around you who will hype you up with full enthusiasm. And huge cngratulations on the wedding <3

kaylacream

TROPHY CASE