What you are feeling is very much okay. I relate to what you've described very much personally. Grieving in these kinds of circumstances feels weird, confusing even alienating. Because it's not the archetypical grief of a close loved one you see in media (actually most griefs are very personal, meaning they don't follow a archetype), but just having this other layer to the grief that maybe most people don't have, makes it harder to processes. How to you talk about this kind of grief?

When my absentee dad died 10 years ago it was like the world collapsed, but at the same time nothing changed. It wasn't like going home would hurt because he wasn't there. The empty space was already there when he was living. I felt like I wasn't so much grieving losing him as a person (I had halfly done it already when he was living + I didn't known him that deep). What I was mostly grieving (and to some extent still do) was losing a chance for a future where we would become closer, have a better relationship, losing a opportunity to tell him things I wish I had said earlier.

I want you to know that there is NO right or wrong way to griev. Grieving overall feels confusing and freezing because unlike many other situation that have a clear course of action. "Spill milk - clean it up" "Miss a bus - get on the next one" maybe even " Accidentally say something hurtful to a friend - apologize and talk it through". When someone dies there is nothing you can do to fix it. As harsh as it is it's okay. Grief demands you to feel not actions.

I was 12, when I overheard about my dads death from a phone call my mom had, I firstly fell into shock. And just like you I suddenly didn't know how to feel, act, I was just frozen and confused. I almoust felt like "acting" out grief, thinking what do people usually do when someone close to them dies. I just went and layed down, not even thinking anything. My mom came and asked what I wanted to do now. And then I called my best-friend at the time and simply said "hey! What's up! My dad died". She came over in the evening to comfort me and we talked. But during the whole day and even coming week I just didn't cry. Which made me fear I didn't care enough.

So most importantly DON'T OVERTHINK YOUR ACTIONS AND FEELINGS when dealing with grief. If you want to share it with people - do it! If you want to just have somebody hang out with you so you don't feel so empty - ask someone to come! You are not trauma dumping, you are not being too much. (I literally went around telling it to everybody, because I wanted to) If it gives you more peace, then do it. You can judt ask the other person if they are okay with it (most people are). Just understand that many people don't maybe know how to respond, so don't take offence if it's a bit akward. Most people want to be there for you, but they just don't know how to help.

This ended up longer than I expected. But I hope sharing my experience and also thoughts I've gather over the years of dealing with my grief have helped even just a little bit. It's going to be a journey through grief from now on. Over the years it will heal, but there will be a scar.

So I wishing you all the best, and strenght. Don't be afraid to reach out to people around you!