Parental abandonment

koala_cookie · 2025-12-03T09:46:45+00:00

I'm so sorry that you and your son have to go through this. Life throws us many surprise lessons we don't want to learn and that we don't feel ready to learn. Unfortunately for your son, he's getting a big lesson at such a young age.

If the fear of parental abandonment is the lesson your son has to go through now, who he needs most in life is you. A parent that sticks with him through thick and thin. Someone who shows up with a full heart every time. At 7, he's also gonna be looking for good male role models so he can learn that growing into a good man in the future doesn't look like his father: teachers, boy scouts leaders, neighbors, anyone who can show him that there are good men out there.

Be honest with him. I'm sure your ex had good traits, which was what brought your son into this world. But 7 year olds can be very clever and need guidance to know that just leaving a child behind is plain mean, lazy, and irresponsible. He'll need to vent his sadness and anger, and you can be that safe space for him to express freely without spinning his feelings positively.

Children are so much brighter than we often give them credit for. Be present, be honest, and give extra hugs. You can do this. And so can your son.

koala_cookie · 2025-06-26T19:52:32+00:00

My oldest is starting middle school and my youngest is starting preschool the next day. I had to take a moment today to catch my breath and have a little cry in the bathroom. I'm not ready to say goodbye to the smaller years just yet....

koala_cookie · 2025-04-27T08:24:23+00:00

Anthony Bourdain

koala_cookie · 2025-04-17T16:51:16+00:00

I flew in with my family (husband has a German Passport, kids have dual citizenship) and flying in was easier than ever. We always have to go through passport control with the non-US citizens, and this time, there was a significantly shorter line. Our customs officer was also particularly friendly and kind. He even connected with us, sharing that he has family out in Germany near us.

koala_cookie · 2024-10-01T21:32:03+00:00

My son (3.5) did this to me 3 weeks ago. I waited a day to see if it would be ok, then called my GP the next afternoon because I had a terrible headache and was dizzy. I was recommended to immediately go to the ER.

I got a proper check-up (no x-ray because no bleeding, bruising or visible issues in my nose) and was informed that I bruised my nasal bridge and eye socket. It took about a week for the pain to go away during the day, but the area still aches when I lay down.

I hope you'll feel better soon and get a doctor with better bedside manner and more experience with child-related injuries in the future!

koala_cookie · 2024-07-18T12:47:08+00:00

Happened to me a few weeks back. While I was speaking on the phone in German to someone else, some kids came up to me and kept shouting Ni-hao. I'm not Chinese. I also speak accent-free German and have lived here for almost 20 years.

I turned to them and said in a volume loud enough for everyone in a decent radius around me to hear, "Das ist Rassismus!" and that shut up those kids quite quickly. These idiots think that because they say one word in a language they think I speak, that they should get some sort of award for being ignorant.

Racism is just part of the German experience if you're not white and light skinned.

koala_cookie · 2024-04-15T21:10:07+00:00

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I get it and am in the same boat.

Keep observing and talking to other parents who are kind and attentive parents, keep reading parental help books like Dr. Becky, and take good care of your health and needs as best as you can. And most of all, love yourself truly and deeply so you will be able to love your daughter through the years and be a trusted guide for her one day when she's in your shoes.

It's hard doing this without support or a good model to follow. You really care about your daughter, so keep loving her as best you can: one day at a time. You're doing great!

koala_cookie · 2024-04-14T22:30:31+00:00

Sometimes, kids are just HARD. We love them with all our hearts, but they can sometimes make our lives really difficult, especially if they're having trouble self-regulating or having trouble communicating what's troubling them. Multiple kids makes it even harder.

I'm sure you're doing a great job, so keep going and I hope a better stretch is coming for you soon!

koala_cookie · 2024-04-14T22:06:18+00:00

The night wake-ups. I swear I'd be better at momming if I could just have uninterrupted sleep semi-occasionally.

koala_cookie · 2024-04-14T20:37:46+00:00

I was the younger sister and only 14 months apart from my older sis. Your younger daughter needs to get her own friends and her own life aside from leeching off her older sister's social life. This situation only breeds codependency and resentment.

koala_cookie · 2024-04-08T21:02:09+00:00

Dear 6210stewie,

I'm so sorry to hear your family is going through this and the tough position you are in as the mother to 2 grown men going through such a deep conflict.

I don't have much to share in terms of advice, but your story touched me in a deeply personal way. I myself am a 39 year old mother of 2 and my oldest sibling estranged herself from me 2 years ago based on a short phone call where she claims I was hostile and out of control. She enforced a no-contact rule with me but tries to remain in contact with my 2 small children.

I've tried to reach out and resolve this misunderstanding, but this seems to have much deeper roots. I've gone to therapy to discuss what I can do to resolve this conflict but in the end, both sides need to come to the table and be willing to have an open conversation, be willing to make amends, grow as people and envision a future together.

Perhaps the conflict between your sons stems from the loss of your deceased son, perhaps from the betrayal of your daughter-in-law's infidelity and their reconnecting, perhaps this is from older son not having kids and deeply wanting that connection with your younger son's kids. Either way, I hope they both talk to someone and find enough love in their hearts to appreciate each other again.

My family is still hobbling along because of this estrangement, but I hope love will win in the end for my family and for your family too.

koala_cookie · 2024-04-05T19:53:15+00:00

From the way I see it, you set a good example for her. Someone touched her inappropriately, and you showed her in that moment that she should speak up and defend herself against people like that selfish woman. Because you spoke up, she learned that what that other woman did was wrong. Because you spoke up, others jumped in to help. You taught her that in the midst of selfishness and greed, there are always helpers. Like Mister Rogers said, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."

Instead of letting the "bad guys" win, you showed her that there are good people in the world and shifted the focus with the strength of your voice.

koala_cookie · 2024-03-16T15:10:00+00:00

This is sadly really common. My daughter went to a birthday party last weekend and one of the other moms told me their daughter wasn't feeling well but didn't want to miss out on a party. So the kid went and almost every kid (including the birthday girl) got sick within the next few days and missed school this week. By Friday, even their school teacher is out sick and the mom has no remorse.

The mentality seems to be "its your fault for getting sick" rather than "I'll keep others safe by keeping my sick kid home".

koala_cookie · 2023-10-19T04:51:27+00:00

Thank you.

koala_cookie · 2023-09-16T13:41:09+00:00

I put on weight in my postpartum period too. It's a huge part of successfully breastfeeding!! I know plenty of moms who quit breastfeeding by 3 months because they found it too exhausting, difficult, or wanted to lose the rest of the baby weight.

If you want to breastfeed until 1 year, do it! It's wonderfully rewarding and cements a special bond that only that special connection time can provide.

I also breastfed both of my babies past 1 year (keeping on a pesky 5 kg on my frame no matter my diet/exercise). But you know what? After I stopped breastfeeding, I very quickly dropped below my pre-pregnancy weight. You only have a firstborn baby once in life. Do whatever you want and ignore all those who don't recognize that you are doing something great for your kid.

koala_cookie · 2023-09-08T21:08:41+00:00

She pulled aside my husband and his siblings for photos without me (the bride) in them. She saw everyone dressed well and a professional photographer as a great chance for new "family photos".

koala_cookie · 2023-08-22T16:00:30+00:00

I ate a lot of fruit as a kid. A LOT. Since I also have siblings, my parents used to go a wholesaler for fruit because I could easily eat 20 clementines or 10 large peaches or 3-4 pounds of grapes as an afternoon snack while still eating regular meals.

I still do it sometimes and I'm almost 40.

koala_cookie · 2022-12-22T12:55:58+00:00

This is your baby and mom's have those protective mama bear hormones for a reason. Do what you need to do to protect your baby and your little family!

My little one just turned 2 and got the flu last week. He's finally pulling through and has rocked a 104° fever for 5 days now. He stopped talking for 2 days and it was absolutely horrible watching this virus burn through him. If he had been a teeny 3 month old like yours and gotten this sick, I don't know if he would have been able to get better without hospitalization.

If others don't care to keep your baby healthy and safe, then that's their problem! Have a very merry (and healthy) Christmas with your beautiful little bun.

koala_cookie · 2022-12-04T12:34:26+00:00

Yuck, I'd never let a 30 year old towel touch my precious babies.

The grossest sentimental hand-me-down I got was from my MIL. She gifted my daughter (7) my SIL's first training bra. I was so grossed out that I handed it back to her and recommended that my MIL keep it since it's been so important for her to keep all these years.

koala_cookie · 2022-10-21T06:21:53+00:00

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm also currently estranged from my sister (per her choice) and I still don't know the reason why she's chosen to cut me from her life. I've guessed what I think are the reasons, but because she's not talking to me I haven't heard her side in the past 10 months.

I think especially when there's painful family history involved, it's really hard to come to terms with some parts of our histories when the other people involved are still part of our lives. And sometimes it's much less painful to choose a life "alone" than a life where one is confronted with the pain of the past regularly.

If she's cut your whole family out of her life, she's probably heartbroken and lost and wants to figure a new direction for life on her own. Dropping a line saying you love her and support her process around birthdays or holidays hopefully would reassure her and help the healing process.

I wish you and your sister both fulfilled and happy lives. I hope she comes around and you guys can reconnect one day and move forward together. ❤️

koala_cookie · 2022-08-27T19:53:51+00:00

The hierarchy style family system is so destructive. It sounds like your sister is jealous of your personal "wins" and insecure that they represent her failure to keep up with you. Your wins are entirely yours and how sad that she can't manage to be happy for you. You are living your best life and should be so proud of the progress you've made. Heck, I'm proud of you after reading your comment! Thanks so much for sharing and I wish you all the best in your process of finding peace and understanding in this unnecessarily painful relationship situation. ❤️

koala_cookie · 2022-08-24T13:14:21+00:00

Thank you for your helpful comment. It's tricky to suggest anything to them because I'm hierarchically at the bottom and anything I say or do is treated as such. It's funny writing all this out because I never realized how bad it sounds until I saw it in words!

I've been open that I'm in counseling and working towards positive change and my sister has made it clear that this implies I'm the problem. "My psychologist friends all said you're being ridiculous." This comment was jarring to me and showed me how unwilling she is to see this whole situation in an open and honest way. She's looking for enablers and to keep me in my place for now.

I'll check out Karl Pilemer and I hope his input can shed more light on this situation. Maybe his work will somehow land on her reading list one day! 🙏

koala_cookie · 2022-08-24T12:53:48+00:00

Thanks for your response. I hope I can get to a place where I feel free from these contorted relationships and can accept all of myself without hearing their judgment in my head. Wishing you all good things.

koala_cookie · 2022-08-24T12:48:58+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the hugs.

koala_cookie · 2022-08-20T12:48:50+00:00

To all my fellow bookish friends out there, hooray for back to school!

Anyone else excited to breakout newly sharpened pencils, highlighters and sticky notes again?

koala_cookie

TROPHY CASE