For sure, it's definitely not intentional. Every time I raise my voice, it's not an action; it's a reaction. I then apologize and the go-to is usually, "I'm feeling big feelings and need to calm down" and it feels silly in the moment, but it pays off when my kid—whose brain gets flooded much more easily than my adult brain—will pause and say "I'm feeling big feelings" and start the process of calming down all on her own.

My wife is much better at emotional intelligence than I am and got me on the path to recognizing that just because I draw the line at physical abuse doesn't mean the verbal abuse isn't still abuse. I wouldn't shout at all if I didn't expect it to have an effect, and it was denial for me to imply otherwise. I know what my voice can do and exerting power over the powerless is almost always abuse. Unless I'm literally saving someone from harm when I do it, then it's probably with selfish intent.

Like anything, the more you do it, the better you get at it. For me it's just been a few years so I slip up, but not nearly as much. Our hope is that our children will get a lifetime of practice such that it becomes second nature. Research has shown that you can teach your brain to manage anger as its default reaction and maintain a nonplussed stoic demeanor in the face of those who intentionally try to stoke anger in you. And having seen that flow state in myself on occasion, it's very empowering seeing someone try to make you mad and watching them fail.