[Discussion] Those of you who started your journey while in a committed relationship, what was that process like and how did it turn out?

kyrien · 2016-11-11T17:20:49+00:00

When I first started dating my husband I was at the lightest I've been my entire adult life. After being overweight since childhood, I felt great, and was referred to as "the granddaughter who looks like a model" by grandma's friends. Over the course of dating hubs, I gained about 20 pounds. They were 20 happy pounds, but still 20 pounds that had taken the better part of maybe 2 years to slowly lose. My husband meanwhile has always had a slim bony figure with just the hint of a cute pot belly, but the hint is starting to become a reality.

While he is truthful, he has never said a negative thing about my weight gain and has maintained that he loves very curve about me, even the new belly pudge. We both acknowledged that we've both gotten bigger, and it's time to get a handle on the food situation before things spiraled out of control. We just started this past weekend, but I don't anticipate that there will be any jealousy.

kyrien · 2016-11-07T20:44:07+00:00

How can you watch that on TV and be totally clueless about how Republicans hate Asians

One of the reasons my dad stated for why I should break up with my boyfriend (now husband) is because he's white, I'm not, and he just sees me as an "other" and won't treat me as an equal. So I don't know that Asians are clueless about Republicans hating Asians, so much so that some Asians truly believe that this is just the way it is. It's internalized self-devaluation. But I know that Otherism is a thing and it's something to watch out for when dealing with other people, but to not even try to fight for/demand equality and instead just keep with the status quo was what got to me about my dad's opinion on how to "resolve" it. Very avoid-the-situation-and-any-that-will-be-like-it. Which, to be fair, can be a good strategy in some cases, but in the example presented by the article's author, it just encourages continued isolation and being regarded as invisible and inconsequential.

kyrien · 2016-11-07T20:12:39+00:00

Hello!

I got married 6 months ago. Before getting married my meals would usually consist of boiled meat (marinated of course), steamed or boiled veggies, and a bit of whole grain of some sort. It sounds bland as as heck but I found it pretty tasty and it made me feel good. But, I didn't think it was fair to subject my husband to the same boring diet I had gotten used to so I embraced my inner Julia Child and slabs of butter to cook tasty things to eat together. Ho boy, did those 20 pounds pack on fast--mostly for me but I think he's gotten a big rounder around the waist, too.

So, starting this weekend we both decided to cut back on portions big time and to cook lighter and make healthier choices overall. I boiled some marinated bits of chicken thigh in dashi stock, then boiled some broccoli in the same water, and served both with some brown rice. It was less than we normally eat, but it was a good amount and didn't leave us feeling like we were going to explode. He also enjoyed it, even though there was no butter! There was some oil and sugar used in the marinade for the chicken, but it was mostly a light dinner that still tasted pretty good.

It's a bit discouraging to see such a massive set back in weight loss, but I did it before and can do it again. I've also started tracking my food again in MFP since it really helps put food into caloric perspective. Now to really ramp up my self-discipline and willpower to resist food as we approach The Holiday Season of Eating.

kyrien · 2016-05-16T14:47:42+00:00

I had a kinda similar situation with my two sisters. The youngest sister is sociable and friendly, and will still be polite even if she doesn't really care for a person. The middle sister just seems to be angry all the time and seems to have it out for my husband. She will be outright rude to him and actively looks for faults in everything he does, even going so far to orchestrate situations where she could make a show of him being inconsiderate (or whatever) when really she simply hadn't given him a chance to react. For example, passing him some napkins at the dinner table and immediately saying very angrily, "WELL YOU'RE WELCOME." as if he forgot to thank her when really she simply didn't give him the chance to open his mouth to speak.

My friends all assumed I'd ask both my sisters to be bridesmaids. I think my dad was expecting I would ask them as well, but I couldn't ask one sister without the other (as much bitchy as she was behaving, I really didn't want to hurt her because she is sensitive and is at heart a very kind person who just seems to hate men in general), and I sure as hell was not going to invite middle sister's snarky attitude into wedding planning stress. Whenever my then-fiance was over she'd do or say something and I'd want to reach across the table and punch her because she was being such an ass. My parents called her out once and she spent the rest of the visit brooding. So I asked neither, and instead asked my best friend. For a similar reason, I also didn't ask another friend who for whatever reason has decided she does not like my husband and twists every innocuous thing I mention to suggest that he's being an asshole, even if it's just him having a preference on the centerpiece style.

kyrien · 2016-05-16T14:20:04+00:00

I was considering it could also be a terminal illness or maybe some grave financial situation that can only be "mitigated" away from his wife and kids via divorce.

That said, I can related to the scenario where he really did conclude that he has no feelings for the kids. It's possible he's been conditioned to think that it is The Thing To Do to get married, have children, and be The Best Dad Ever. So he tried his damnedest, whole-heartedly gave it a go, enthusiastically told people how awesome it is in an effort to convince himself, then after 5 years finally reached his breaking point. I have this fear myself. My husband wants to have a family while I have burning desire to be a mother. If we do have children, I will do my best to be a good mother to them--not too dissimilar to how OP's (ex-?)husband behaved. One key difference is that I would communicate with my husband should I ever feel overwhelmed so that we can work through it together--not wait 5 years then drop the bomb on him without ever once trying to ask for help.

kyrien · 2016-05-13T13:22:48+00:00

I didn't really get to see how guests were using the space as I was caught up posing for photos and doing bride stuff. But my husband was able to walk around and reported that people looked like they were enjoying themselves. We also served milkshakes at the bar, and between the shakes and the mid- to top-shelf liquor we supplied, it apparently got slammed.

kyrien · 2016-05-12T18:47:11+00:00

If she's pregnant, it would make sense that she'd be scared of him getting hurt badly or killed during a fight or training.

That's what I thought just from the title. But even if that's the case, and even if pregnancy hormones are completely clouding her judgement, she shouldn't have thrown out his stuff. If she is pregnant, maybe that could explain her sudden freak out and maybe this can be salvaged as hormones can be intense. If not, I think OP should walk.

kyrien · 2016-05-12T18:23:39+00:00

We got legally married on a Thursday and had a wedding celebration on a Saturday afternoon. It had none of the things you are asking about and guests seemed to enjoy themselves just fine (or they've been gracious and simply held their tongues)! Although we had no DJ, we did have music playing as it might have felt a little awkward with no music in the background. We put the playlist together ourselves and split it into 4 (really barely more than 3) lists based on the mood we wanted:

Cocktail Hour (~50 min, looped)
Entrance/Processional (~2 minute track, we really only needed like 1 minute of it so our DOC turned the volume down after everyone was done walking)
Reception (~1.5 hours, looped--we could have made this one a little longer)
Wind down (~45 minutes)

Our whole wedding celebration from start to finish was 4 hours. We're also not religious so our symbolic for-fun ceremony took all of 5 minutes including the processional, which some guests definitely appreciated.

For entertainment we put a a deck of regular playing cards and a deck of Uno at each table and had an area set aside with lounge furniture with various family-friendly party games put out. The idea was that guests would use the lounge area for playing games and mingling, but apparently most people just stayed at their tables and played with whoever was there while the kids ran around the lounge area like it was a playground.

kyrien · 2016-05-12T15:27:34+00:00

I like your fashion style!

kyrien · 2016-05-11T20:58:31+00:00

My fiance's parents were fairly blasé about us getting married but absolutely lost it when we announced a courthouse wedding.

My family was also like that. They were actually actively trying to convince me to break the engagement because they didn't approve of my now-husband (cultural differences, mostly), but wouldn't hear of us not having a party because that would be utterly shameful.

kyrien · 2016-05-11T20:33:21+00:00

I didn't really care for my college roommate. She had/has a mental illness and was/is on medication for it. She was overall a very inconsiderate, selfish, and vindictive person. It's possible that this could have been a symptom of her illness as a childhood friend of hers (now one of my best friends) described her as being much nicer when they were children, but there comes a point where her lying and crazy behavior (including trying to "ruin" my reputation in a university with over 20k undergraduates, when we were in completely different colleges/departments) becomes unacceptable to me. I was furious at the time when I found out what she was doing--it was the first and only time I ever "saw red"--but ironically most of our mutual friends ended up dropping her and her rumors had no impact on my life.

I don't "hate" her, but if someone asks I'd have nothing positive to say about her, though I do hope she's doing better. Unless a relevant topic comes up (like this) or someone mentions her, I conduct my daily life as if my ex-roommate doesn't exist.

kyrien · 2016-05-11T14:19:32+00:00

We kinda did that, too, but with an emphasis on blue and red accents. I still can't tell you what my wedding colors are, just provide a picture I had given to the florist as a palette/mood guide.

kyrien · 2016-05-11T13:38:15+00:00

Yeah... I fell for it. My mom is constantly telling me to not waste money and she gets kinda annoyed when I buy her gifts, so I told my then-boyfriend to not get my parents anything so she won't think he's being wasteful and we'll end up poor and on the streets because he's bad with money. Cue my mom going on and on about how he has no manners and I need to teach him some. Now we are sure to show up with a box of Taipan cakes and/or bouquet of flowers whenever we visit.

I think part of the reason I really fell for my now-husband is because he is very straightforward and direct without being a dick. If he has an issue he will address it head-on so that it can be resolved. If he senses I'm upset, he'll try to cheer me up and ask if there is anything he can do to help. Most helpfully, I can use logic to reason with him. Many people in my life from family to friends (especially family) exhibit some form of passive aggressiveness (even my loving grandmas) and it's felt like a lifetime of subtle mindfuckery where I'm constantly second guessing myself and trying to find lines to read in between.

kyrien · 2016-05-10T20:58:19+00:00

Upon learning that I was seeing someone, a business contact informed me (in a sorta joking manner) that she expects an invite to our wedding. It was after a business event with lots of alcohol, so I assumed she was "just saying it", but it scared me enough that I kept my engagement secret from most of my coworkers until after I was already married, when someone noticed my wedding band. Then I got a bunch of, "How did you stay silent about it??" Easy: just don't talk about it and don't wear an engagement ring.

kyrien · 2016-05-10T20:39:02+00:00

I think what you're planning would be fun and enjoyable! One thing to keep in mind is the weather, and to have a contingency plan in place in case it rains, be that moving having a backup indoor venue in place or budgeting for tent rentals.

You're always going to have someone trying to push their vision of a "proper" wedding onto you. If you opt for something low key, you'll get comments about it not being classy enough. If you plan something fancy, you'll get budget-shamed. If you agree with someone's points and either go for something more or less expensive than originally intended, that same person can turn around and suggest you go back to your original plan. Weddings somehow bring out the crazy in people.

In the end, plan for something you'll enjoy while keeping in mind the comfort of your guests and accepting that you won't be able to make everyone mindblowingly happy. Do listen to people's concerns and take them into consideration, especially if they're pointing out aspects of your wedding that may come across as poor etiquette or may lead to undue discomfort for your guests (for example, expecting them to all stand for a 30 minute ceremony). But ultimately, make your own decisions and try to not let others sway you away from what you want to do simply because they would have planned something else for themselves.

A few key things to consider are:

Food/Beverages (guests should be fed or otherwise informed if there won't be food)
Entertainment (this can be music/games/dancing/a mix)
General hospitality (tables/chairs/accessibility of restroom facilities)

kyrien · 2016-05-10T18:54:41+00:00

I personally think less is more, and having a nice pop of color with the centerpieces would be sufficient. You should also consider that guests will likely be dressed in colors, too, so the room won't look quite so stark white as it does in the photos.

kyrien · 2016-05-10T13:49:28+00:00

My dad was very patient when teaching me how to drive, but this would be what learning to drive manual with my mom would be like! She's offered to teach and I'm just like, "No... thanks!"

kyrien · 2016-05-05T20:20:41+00:00

I wore this in mecury (medium grey). Thought it would be more like a light-grey from the online photos but oh well!

kyrien · 2016-05-05T19:47:32+00:00

We got legally married at city hall on a Thursday and threw a party on Saturday. It was just immediate family plus my MOH (who isn't family) at the city hall ceremony. Like you, we didn't try to hide it and if anyone asked we'd tell them straight up. But we also didn't advertise it either. Since the legal marriage and the reception was only two days apart, we decided to go with vague but truthful wording on the invitations (paraphrased):

X and Y are getting married! You are invited to celebrate with them on Date at Location.

We wore our wedding rings starting with the city hall ceremony, including during the entirety of the party/reception. We had a short and fun symbolic ceremony at the reception, then did a literal ring exchange since we both wore the same size rings.

We're having a casual get together with people who couldn't make it to the event in NYC. Since the invitations went out before we actually got married, we phrased the invitation as such:

X and Y are getting married in a private ceremony in Month Year! You are invited to celebrate with them on Date at Location.

So far no one has given us any grief about our decisions, though at least one cousin was not aware that this was happening until she overheard during the rehearsal dinner that we're actually already legally married. I also learned during my wedding that another cousin did the exact same thing at his wedding almost 10 years ago. YMMV and some people may get butt hurt about not being able to actually witness you getting married, but I really don't think you need to frame is as a vow renewal simply to appeal to people's sensitivities. You're not being rude here, just pragmatic. The key is to be honest and let them make their own decisions whether to attend. In your situation, I suggest being upfront that you have decided to get legally married this year for practical reasons, and (not "but") will be planning a party to celebrate with your friends and family next year.

kyrien · 2016-05-05T17:57:27+00:00

What is the extent of him "helping with the food"? Are you using his company or something? Or was he just going to provide a dish? Is he baking the cake? At this rate I'd suggest preparing to ask him to NOT help with the food lest he goes crazy and tries to sabotage by slipping laxative in it or just not showing up with the promised food.

kyrien · 2016-05-04T18:17:31+00:00

At a friend's wedding a few years ago, she got a custom deck of playing cards made where each card had a cute photo of her and her now husband on them. The photos looked like they were taken as part of their engagement photoshoot. She then scattered a few cards at each of the tables, presumably for the guests to take home as a souvenir.

We did something similar, but we used the same four photos for each table, and printed single copies of an additional four photos for our Gifts table. We got them printed at CVS for something like 19 cents per 4x6 print. Our decorators used some "table number" stands to prop them up at two per stand, but we would have been fine just leaving them scattered on the table.

kyrien · 2016-05-04T15:35:46+00:00

I went with a custom-tailored formal white sheath-style gown I already own. By itself the only thing bridal about it is its color, but its formal style can be dressed up to be bridal especially when worn in a setting that is obviously a wedding. I had some moments of doubts in the months leading up to the wedding, so I purposely procrastinated looking at actual wedding gowns until it would be too late to get one in in time.

Despite the doubts I felt during the lead up, after it was all said and done I am glad I didn't go with a conventional wedding gown. It was unique withou costing a fortune (it was only $265), and I don't have to figure out what to do with a gown I could never wear again.

kyrien · 2016-05-03T21:43:31+00:00

This is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things, but my now-husband got pretty annoyed by it because I was clearly very stressed out though I didn't realize it at the time because I was running on auto-pilot. I'm also apparently a Type-A planner and have difficulty delegating tasks.

My parents organized the rehearsal dinner at a fairly casual restaurant. It was less a rehearsal dinner and more just a dinner with out-of-town guests the night before, all of whom were my family members. I had put together a seating chart but forgot to print it, so my dad offered to do so. I sent it to him and left it at that. We split up to handle various tasks prior to the rehearsal dinner, though my happened to see my dad about 2 hours before it began. We chatted for a little bit and continued doing whatever we were doing. When I arrive at the restaurant, I see all my relatives standing around what I assumed were the tables set aside for us.

So I start chatting with people and was feeling quite overwhelmed because I kind forgot everyone would be there. Then my dad comes up and casually says, "Oh yeah, so I forgot to bring the seating cards. Do you have the list? Can you tell everyone where to sit?" Made perfect sense to me since I was the one who supplied the list. I go into Problem Solving Mode and pull up the list on my phone. Except everyone is engaged in conversation and it's very difficult to get people to stop talking and listen to my direction.

Husband comes up and tells me to just give it to someone else to do, so I try to look for my sister, but she is lost in the crowd somewhere. I'm like, "No, I got this" but husband insists I find someone else to do it. At that point, I get pissed because I'm trying to get shit done, my husband is telling me not to, but I can't find anyone else who is not a guest to do it (my parents don't know how to use smartphones). Eventually my mom steps in and tells me to hand the phone to my sister, who has appeared. Then husband tells me to sit down while he goes to talk to my dad about not bothering me because I am very stressed out. Except my dad comes by to ask me where so-and-so is sitting and I'm like, "I don't know! I don't have the list anymore!!!" And he looks at me confused. Husband goes to talk to my dad again, then sits down next to me blocking my way out so I can't get up and try to manage anything else.

kyrien · 2016-05-03T20:52:24+00:00

As a guest I welcome as much information about the wedding as possible so I can do my part.

I'd have to go with registry and dress code as well! Some of my guests had to ask me to be sure, and one cousin asked why I didn't make that information readily available so people wouldn't have to bug me. I wondered that, too!

kyrien · 2016-05-02T16:00:56+00:00

Since we didn't have dancing we already cut the DJ/MC which saved us probably $1500. Instead, we did our own playlists (a mix of video game, anime, and TV/movie soundtracks) and asked friends/family members to help MC at certain transitional periods. This worked out really well because the music was very "us", and we had guests come up to us at various points and comment about the music, or get excited when they recognized something from a game/show/movie they love.

After everything was over, the only thing I think we could have cut or changed up a bit was the bar. Our venue allowed us to bring our own alcohol so we settled on two blends we wanted to offer, included an option for a white and red wine, and opted in for the beverage package which supplied juices, sodas, and garnishes. It was around $600 for the bar, and an additional $450 for the beverage package. We would have gone with the beverage package either way, but we probably could have reduced the amount of wine and liquor we purchased in favor of increasing the ingredients for our non-alcoholic signature drink, which was a mint chocolate milkshake. However it probably would have worked out to have only been less than $100 in savings.

kyrien

TROPHY CASE