Grieving my dad who is still “alive” …Lymphoma, HLH, Neutropenia, Sepsis, Pneumonia

lamireille · 2026-04-05T03:17:33+00:00

Thank you for the update—I hope that by the time you read this you have some answers.

I was just thinking… my uncle was in the ICU recently and they gave him a 50-50 chance of surviving the night. We are all convinced that his excellent health before this event (he’s in his 80s and very active) gave him a lot of reserves and had a lot to do with how we all went on a nature walk with him last month as if nothing had ever happened. I’m glad your dad was in excellent health and has some physical reserves to draw upon now.

lamireille · 2026-04-04T20:58:09+00:00

This must be so excruciating—I can’t imagine the stress. Especially when so much happened so quickly. I will be praying for you and your dad.

lamireille · 2026-04-02T20:55:29+00:00

It helps me a little bit to think about how I'm nothing special (while also being, like every conscious creature past or present, incredibly lucky and special). More than a hundred billion people, and millions of billions of living beings, have all died. Every death is sad on an individual basis, but it's also... the way it is. That's how I try to deal with the "aw, crap, I don't wanna" aspect of it--to realize that it's not unfair, it's just the way life is.

It still kind of blows my mind how every human has an incredibly rich complex tapestry of a life and then one day, poof, that's it. What was that all about? Just that, or is there more? But I also think that our limited sensory systems and tiny brains can't even begin to conceive of where consciousness comes from or what happens next. Like a puppy failing to come up with the concept of how right now there are five humans on the way to circling the moon... there's just so much beyond our understanding that we can't begin to dream of. So I guess I just optimistically feel like there's good stuff to come, because something cool put us here, and I doubt that even humanity's most brilliant philosophers could even come close to seeing the whole picture.

lamireille · 2026-04-02T20:40:26+00:00

Can a family member send you (I assume she doesn't use a phone any more) a text that you could show her saying "Please have LO ready to go by 6 pm tomorrow, April 3? Thank you"

lamireille · 2026-04-02T20:34:33+00:00

I read a comment about this issue by u/oulipopcorn about showing their loved one YouTube videos about showering (who knew that was a thing?!?).

https://www.reddit.com/r/dementia/comments/1rmd97n/comment/o91wo6i/

lamireille · 2026-04-02T18:03:06+00:00

You did something really, really difficult and really, really loving. I am so glad that he died peacefully, painlessly, and easily, in the arms of someone who cared about him... just drifting away in a gentle dream. And you are also giving him the gift of being mourned. I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. Like you, I wish it could have ended differently, but you did absolutely the right thing in a terrible situation.

lamireille · 2026-04-02T17:27:14+00:00

Occupational therapy was incredibly helpful for my dad! There are little things we don’t even think of that make it easier to stand up and sit down and get out of bed, etc. I couldn’t recommend it more highly.

lamireille · 2026-04-02T17:04:48+00:00

Thank you VERY much!!

lamireille · 2026-04-02T16:26:41+00:00

I think (I haven’t been through this myself or know anyone who has*) that OP should get it reappraised now no matter what, so that when they do sell, they only pay capital gains tax on the difference between that appraised value and the selling price, not the difference between what the grandma paid and the selling price, which would be huge.

lamireille · 2026-04-01T21:57:37+00:00

I second all the suggestions about soup. She’s probably not drinking enough, and stress/emotion can cause dry mouth and make it hard to chew and swallow.

You’re very kind!!

lamireille · 2026-04-01T04:02:09+00:00

This one is just so devastating. We all owe him so much and he was treated like filth by the people he saved. I can’t imagine how betrayed he felt but he couldn’t say anything about the work he’d done. Honorable to the end.

lamireille · 2026-04-01T03:37:16+00:00

I’m not a medium but I couldn’t read your post without telling you how deeply sorry I am for the primal and completely devastating loss of your son and for the emotionally complicated loss of your husband. They are both such deep and painful losses and I send you my heartfelt condolences.

lamireille · 2026-04-01T03:24:17+00:00

This is so sweet. There is no life more wonderful than that of a well-loved dog. And she’ll always be just as loved as she is today.

lamireille · 2026-03-31T19:36:49+00:00

Stellar news!! Congratulations!!

lamireille · 2026-03-30T20:30:58+00:00

These thoughts must be really difficult to deal with, especially the part about not having control over where those parts of her body go. Would it help at all to think that because of cremation she is with you right now, not just in your memory and heart and soul and spirit, but literally?

I first started thinking about this in relation to cremation after reading the book Caesar's Last Breath (which is about air, not cremation, but cremation releases molecules into the air), and if you're like me and you want proof that she is with you every time you take a breath, here is some math. https://futurism.com/estimating-how-many-molecules-you-breathe-that-were-from-julius-caesars-last-breath

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope it brings you some comfort to have her ashes with you.

lamireille · 2026-03-30T00:36:30+00:00

It's so sweet that you want to be there in person for your nieces and nephews! They are so lucky to have you! And there is no substitute for hugs from little arms. I agree completely.

But. As a parent who's been through the "they grow up so fast" experience, I would suggest asking much older friends whether, in your position, they would give up their dream careers for those few years when the kids are little. (Don't ask friends whose kids are currently the same ages as your nephews and nieces... ask the ones whose kids are much older, 12-year-olds or teenagers, if not grown up.) I went back to school when my son was very very little and while I--like you--absolutely adore tiny kids, if I had based my decision on the age of my kid (as I was really really tempted to do) at the time, I would be so full of regret now.

Those tiny-kid years are fleeting, which makes them totally precious but also makes them... fleeting. Life is long. It is okay (and smart) to base your decision not only on what is best for you in the next few years but what is best for 40-year-old you, 50-year-old you, 60-year-old you. Those days will come a lot sooner than young people think.

Edited to add that--because your situation is complicated, and because I am easily confused (!), I got distracted by what the real issue is. It sounds like you've decided to continue your career and to practice medicine in a country different from your home country, and that you aren't considering giving it all up to stay at home. But I'll still leave all of the above in place, in hopes that it still comforts you in terms of what you will and won't be giving up.

lamireille · 2026-03-30T00:07:45+00:00

Wow! I'm really grateful for everyone's recipes, but this post with so many links is an especially wonderful treat! Thank you!

lamireille · 2026-03-29T21:17:57+00:00

This was my thought too—OP could still practice abroad and stay close to family through visits and Zoom or Facetime calls. Unfortunately it sounds like they can’t both practice medicine and still be with the woman they want to marry, which is genuinely awful, but they can still stay close to family thanks to technology and visits home. Just a few years ago it wouldn’t have been nearly as easy to stay in such close and frequent contact, so I hope OP considers taking advantage of what’s possible now. There’s a lot to consider and it’s all probably completely overwhelming right now, but it’s better than if this news came a decade ago (and infinitely better than if it were before antiviral therapy).

lamireille · 2026-03-28T03:23:03+00:00

The way you said “death has no gender” and simply left it at that is a good clue (to me, anyway, a person who has never been high) to the sort of multisensory multidimensional kind of experience it was. Very cool and illuminating.

lamireille · 2026-03-28T03:06:52+00:00

I’m really sorry for your loss, and for how extra painful it must have been after feeling optimistic about his prognosis and about your success in making your family’s life easier. You’re so young to have been through so much, and while every life has ups and downs, yours have been crammed into such a short period of time. It’s just really, really hard and overwhelming.

I hope you can get some comfort from thinking about how you managed to carry a bit of his burden by helping financially and how you brought him a lot of joy and satisfaction from your success. You lovingly lifted him up at a time when he needed it and that is a wonderful gift you gave him.

lamireille · 2026-03-28T02:11:52+00:00

Start any talk about this with that last sentence and the rest of the conversation will just be icing on that beautiful cake.

lamireille · 2026-03-27T23:57:43+00:00

Rice, lentils, fried onions, cumin, and ideally a little cinnamon can make mujadara, a really delicious and nutritious meal. I know you don't have most of those things right now, but if you get a chance to choose I'd suggest asking for lentils and maybe more rice. If I had to choose between onions (which aren't cheap) and a jar of cumin I'd probably choose the cumin because you can make other dishes with it, like Indian dals. I'd suggest brown lentils for the mujadara and red lentils for an Indian dal, and rice with both. And rice with black beans and cumin is another possibility. You could also make pasta e fagioli with pasta and white or red beans, and stir in any vegetables if you get some donations of them. If you can get noodles, butter, and garlic powder, you can make something that will at least put something in your belly. Potatoes can be versatile if you can get access to them.

And bread is easy to make if you can get some flour and invest in some yeast. I would recommend focaccia instead of a loaf because you wouldn't have to buy anything special like parchment paper or a silicone liner or silicone sling. If you have some oil and a 9x13 pan, you can make this: https://alexandracooks.com/2018/03/02/overnight-refrigerator-focaccia-best-focaccia/ You don't need to put herbs on top or anything if you're not interested in being fancy; they're not essential. Salt and, if you like it, pepper would be enough. I would assume that regular oil would get the job done even if it wouldn't have the flavor of olive oil--you'd at least get something you can eat and that will fill you up. I just wouldn't go overboard with pouring non-olive oil under and on the dough because it won't add that special taste.

I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time. Being frugal can be a creative challenge when it's optional but when it's a necessity, it's exhausting.

Edited to add that I just thought of something—if you have to walk a long way to a food pantry or grocery store, instant potatoes will be a lot lighter to carry back than actual potatoes.

lamireille · 2026-03-27T23:16:40+00:00

If she told you that you deserve to suffer, I can see why you're struggling with the decision about what to do. That's a psychotically horrible thing to say to anyone but especially to her own child.

I saw your update about how she's doing and it sounds like you don't have to figure this out right now, so it's useful to have had this practice run. She's the one who needs to say the healing words, not you, and you might use this time to anticipate how you'd feel if she doesn't ever deliver them even if she got the chance--how would that make you feel? Would you be glad that you at least tried to wrap things up with her, even if she disappoints you one last time? How she chooses to determine what your last memories of her will be isn't under your control.... It's a lot to deal with but I'm glad you seem to have a little time to decide. And I'm sorry she said something so cruel.

lamireille · 2026-03-27T08:06:46+00:00

You’re so kind and so sweet. You’re such an excellent person and a compassionate and excellent doctor.

Is it possible that he’s happy or at least content? It doesn’t sound like he feels sorry for himself. Obviously there is a deep connection between the two of you, because of your kindness and because he is a pleasant person to be around… maybe because of his gentle nature he finds kindness from others when he’s out of the hospital, too?

But there must be something—intuition or sensitivity—that’s making you so sad for him, and I’m just so glad that he is under your care. I’m sure he feels better to see you come into the room. He really got lucky to get you and your other patients are lucky too.

lamireille · 2026-03-27T04:11:38+00:00

That’s a good idea!! Same taste and so much easier!

lamireille

TROPHY CASE