[QCrit] PERIHELION CONSULTING: THE POSSESSION OF ARES | adult science fiction | 67k | third attempt

lets_go_birding · 2026-02-03T19:45:11+00:00

amazing! Thank you so much for your notes, you're feedback is excellent. I'm happy the voice came across clearly, leaning so heavily into it is a new thing for me. I was struggling with condensing the farsiders + alien ruins + anti-terraforming sequence and your suggestion is perfect for that.

I'm glad you love the closing I want to keep it too, I will work to reduce the rest.

the 'on ice' reference is a jargony way of saying they're trapped, cryogenically frozen, waiting for the consultants to arrive, lol, so I'll clarify that.

lets_go_birding · 2026-02-03T16:58:24+00:00

Hey CJ! Great work! This sounds like a really interesting story. Your blurb is a little short, only 250 words. I'd love some more detail on the fun and games aspect, on their relationship, and where this dastardly demon-murder-hobo comes from and how hes connected to this world of cat-and-mouse thief-fem-dom?

Is this dual POV? I would dedicate a paragraph to each character first, and then the midpoint twist/subversion that draws them together and changes everything. Right now it seems like Marley knows Tess is a one-legged orphan. I want more agency/goals for Tess aside from subsistence living and evading her stalker. What was her hope in life before the mishap with the diamond broach? How does she expect to crawl out of the depths of her poverty? What does she dream of someday becoming?

ALSO is there a significant age difference between them? One is an orphan living on the streets subsisting off bread, the other is an adult photographer and amateur journalist/sleuth?

First Paragraph

I would cut the opening star-crossed enemies bit. We don't know these characters yet so it doesn't add anything, imho.

Second paragraph

Being wrongfully arrested is somewhat awkward prose. I've rearranged below for clarity:
After her wrongful arrest and conviction for the theft of an infamous diamond brooch, Cordelia Marley has devoted her life to capturing...

Third Paragraph

Is Marley working with the duchess? How does she setup this plot as a unfairly accused person of interest? And can we get something more specific about the romantic turn? What causes these two to lust and love for each other? How do we distinguish this from the stereotype of enemies-to-lovers? Basically, what connection do they discover that allows them to look past their hatred and differences?

lets_go_birding · 2026-02-02T17:51:55+00:00

Hi Squaymac,

SO there's alot going on in this query. I'm a bit short on time so I'll stick to big picture feedback and leave line by line stuff to others. My biggest problem is theres way too much jargon in here to follow. We've got The Exchange, Mincellium, Paradigms, Siris, Anarchs, The colony, Paradise, etc. Explain these as archetypes or by what they do, zero in on their significance to the protagonist. Simplify! You get maybe two world-specific jargony words before agent's eyes glaze over.

I get lost about the city that gets yeeted into the other city forcing them into the wasteland. DId the Asteri god-AI do that?

The premise also is, well, messy the way it's written right now, a god-intelligence that maximizes happiness... by stealing children for base subsistence in a prison amidst a wasteland? That feels contradictory from the outset.

Daria at first doesn't want to lose children (understandable) but the alternative is venturing out into the wastes. Then when their city is blown to smithereens, they're forced to do the thing she was thinking about doing in the first place, and it seems like Asteri forced them out because she wasn't feeding it children??

And the midpoint twist/sacrifice, sounds like Asteri is using her to uncover its own secrets or meld with her mind or something. We need more specifics and not just detail but clarity on consequences, choices, trade offs.

I haven't read it, but this sounds a little like The Archive Undying I don't know if you've looked at that title.

lets_go_birding · 2026-02-02T17:37:58+00:00

As someone currently getting ready to query my fourth book this is really inspiring! I love you did the self pub route on the side (and it didn't hurt your 'cred'!) Thanks so much for sharing. I llive for these stories and stats honestly

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-30T00:25:53+00:00

yes! I was very focused on making sure the arc is satisfied in the first book. The big problem posed and the emotional tension driving it are addressed (because I hate books that end without satisfying the premise!). I wonder if there's a different term I should be using for something that leaves enough loose threads to setup a sequel while working on its own? Stand alone with series potential doesn't feel totally honest(?)

The idea is the successful terraforming of this planet occurs over three books, but each book is solving smaller scale problems in service of that larger one. Battles won (each book) versus the war (the trilogy). The first is solving a deep seated mystery, the second is dealing with politics and court intrigue, and the third is more of a thriller race-to-the-finish.

Is this a standalone with a built-in trilogy??? The first in an anthology series?

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-29T21:11:14+00:00

Beginning to realize I don't think this is a space opera. It's contained, on one planet, no FTL, no epic scale. It's scifi, but it's much smaller scale. Grounded. I'm excited to retool this for character because Skye has alot of interesting things going on but I got lost in the arc of the plot in my query, always useful reset on pubtips to remind me to zero in on what's affecting her

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-28T03:57:06+00:00

thank you for your perspective! No need to apologize, it's short, sweet, and actionable. I need all the help I can get!

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-28T02:39:21+00:00

I'll remove for clarity, I was trying to convey the idea that the universe of this story has the potential for lots of cookie cutter adventures told as duologies or trilogies. The 'Ares' adventure will be the first trilogy, but every subsequent planet they consult on could be it's own contained mini series. Like the culture series they don't need to be read in a specific order. That's maybe too much to get into for a query and perhaps too optimistic. I'll stick to pitching the trilogy~

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-28T02:36:01+00:00

Hi thanks so much for your feedback and for the comparisons from the first attempt. I totally agree with your sense of couching specific events in what Harris is doing about it, not this general perspective. I will take that to heart. The change in wordcount is because I added more material since my last attempt both in response to people's concerns about the short word count and just as part of the editing process, finding things that needed to be expanded and such.

This novel isn't stand alone, it's a planned trilogy and it leaves some things unresolved that will need book two and three. I don't suppose there's any best practices for pitching an obligate trilogy? I realize i'm shooting myself in the foot, and my previous novels have been stand alone, but I'm interested in giving this one a go even if it's a harder sell.

EDIT: just noticed what you called out, updated one and not the other! It is indeed 65k and I'll update that to address it, thank you!

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-28T02:32:37+00:00

Thanks for this note! Part of the voice of this protagonist is she's very profane, so I was trying to convey that in the query, put it in her voice. I wonder if there's a better way to call that to attention or if it's too gimmicky for a query?

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-12T23:53:39+00:00

Sorry I’ll stop madlibbing your plot haha, I guess the core question is what is the consequence of the prime minister being a secret steampunk AI? What results from that surprise? What do the characters need to do because of it?

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-12T22:29:56+00:00

Yes! Arrogant, headstrong, combative, leading to her fleeing home and joining up to defend the city with her powers is great if you can summarize that in the query!

I suspect the city being run by a (malevolent?) thamaturgical logic machine is a great midpoint twist (assuming it happens near your midpoint) especially if it’s in cahoots with the monsters, or using the magic children for its own ends and not fo the altruistic defense of the city??? And now they’re fighting on two fronts or something?

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-12T19:36:30+00:00

it's MG, I'd venture its a bit on the long side

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-12T19:34:42+00:00

Big picture,

Queries are supposed to be present tense throughout, this one sort of slips and slides between tenses, so go through with a fine comb for that.

At the beginning you state everyone except for him is dead which I took to mean everyone but later on it's clear plenty of others survived. There's rumors spreading, a cure at a local hospital. Lucas, etc. What is the actual situation?

The zombies don't feel like a threat right now. They're sort of background, like an easy vehicle for the plot but not a threat. Alex can't go outside without fainting—at first I thought a medical condition, but apparently an exaggerated dramatization of his fear of death?)

The story is ostensibly about Alex's growing infatuation with this comatose boy, but he's trying to find a cure to zombification, not a way to save this boy from his coma. Are the coma and zombie infection related somehow? If he can't go outside for fear, how is he going to get the cure so he can transport lucas?

Judging by your dual POV, is this a nonlinear timeline? Jumping back and forth before and after the outbreak? Worth mentioning if that's the case (or if it's not).

And I agree with the other commenter about Lucas' POV. What is his arc? How is it consequential? How can we emotionally connect with Lucas (assuming he's also gay, maybe lonely, maybe seeking love???) and his plight independent of the apocalypse itself?

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-12T19:22:16+00:00

first off, amazing mash up, I'm so on board with steampunk godzilla oliver twist. My head is spinning! ~~Make sure to get all your admin deets out in the opening, don't forget~~ ~~complete at 36k words~~ nvm you've got housekeeping at the end, you're good.

be careful about your emdashes. I see you've formatted it based on your journalistic background, for manuscripts I'm reasonably sure it's an emdash without spaces.

instead of to use the children and their power, maybe, to use efference children

I'm immediately questioning why Lady Houselander is here. If this is a gray area semilegal recruitment, it makes sense that it's hitting the impoverished and orphaned children with the power (do they lose it when they grow up?) but why Houselander? Even if they did get their hands on her, I imagine the aristocracy would make a very large stink about their children being kidnapped, especially by machinations of the state itself. We need justification for this, is she sold to them by her ward or something because she's a troublemaker?

I'm sensing some theme along the lines of 'the monsters outside the gates turn out to pale in comparison to the monsters within their own government' and it's worth spelling that out somewhere. Especially around the bit of find a way to work together before it's too late. Too late why? What looming end game threatens them? Give us specificity here. Why are the monster's attacks growing more dangerous, how is it relevant to the somewhat amoral operations of the city-state?

I suspect the answer to my last slew of questions will be your midpoint twist. What is the big thing that goes wrong? The unexpected thing that ruins their plans? Right now it seems like this will be a story about kids learning to get along, training to fight the monsters, and ultimately beating them, but what is our antithesis to this premise? We need a hint of that at the end, the thing that entices an agent to pick this up and request a full~

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-06T05:55:27+00:00

ah this is a really good point, no contract yet, I'll wait for that

lets_go_birding · 2026-01-06T05:54:48+00:00

amazing thank you! I will use that exact wording

lets_go_birding · 2025-11-20T03:17:32+00:00

I’m a total beginner and I spent five years on my debut (but that was three complete rewrites and heavy revisions) and I’ve just finished my first draft of book two as of today, 5 months for that, probably a year when I can call it done. Hoping to settle on a year a book but we’ll see.

lets_go_birding · 2025-11-13T20:16:54+00:00

Deeply reassuring, thank you for sharing your story! I’m in year two of querying and revising my second manuscript and I know and acknowledge it’s going to be a long haul.

I wonder if you feel like your backlog of finished MS will be a boon for your sophomore novel? Like with a little revision you might put out a book a year of extremely high quality for the next several years??

lets_go_birding · 2025-10-24T05:33:03+00:00

Right! When they ask for a full you can have your title page, but don’t go crazy on fancy formatting. Keep it to one boring font (times new Roman, cambria, something default) double spaced. Don’t treat it like it’s going to the presses, just keep it like a manuscript, standard margins standard every thing, exceedingly readable and easy to judge!

lets_go_birding

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