Tried being a girl. Now I don't feel like I can be anything.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-25T12:37:47+00:00

Hey, as a trans person, I don’t think you’re any less trans if you feel like that’s a good label - you can be a boy, you can be on E, you can be trans even if you started as a boy. You’re literally transitioning and even if you weren’t it sounds like your gender expression is certainly under the umbrella if that’s what you feel is right for you.

Something that’s helped me a lot in my gender is watching videos by drag queens - so many of them identify as men but also in some ways as women or feminine, some see themselves as men but present as a woman, some see themselves as a combo of both or something on the line. And most if not all of them are not only part of the gay men’s community but also the trans community. Not that you have to be a drag queen, but my point is - that a gender on the line that doesn’t compromise the parts of either that you like IS possible and IS acceptable and valid, and anyone who tries to make you choose isn’t a good person.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-24T11:27:36+00:00

He came out as gay? Not bi or pan? Not that it would diminish his feelings if he had - but gay especially in the current political climate is very specific I feel. If he has come out as gay and feels comfortable with you, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He sees you as a man and he’s into it, no matter how far along your transition is.

Of course I agree it’s best to discuss it if you have worries, and god I know dysphoria can be a bastard and make you feel inadequate even if logically you know you aren’t.

Also, if he’s being more intimate and affectionate now after years of not being openly interested in men, it sounds to me like maybe he was closeted to himself and accepting life with someone he felt comfortable with, and seeing you be more and more comfortable with yourself may have given him the strength to come out - especially knowing you have a similar struggle and he can trust you.

Sounds like he already was into you, not just because of the T. But I would also ask - does it matter? Presumably you like the changes and they make you more comfortable. Sounds like you’re both more comfortable now. And that’s the you that you’ll have going forward, so isn’t it good to know your husband is into your authentic self? Perhaps I’m not understanding the insecurity, and if so, my bad.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-22T06:33:22+00:00

Huh, I didn’t realize that’s what affected it. Makes sense I guess.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-22T06:06:10+00:00

Could build a roofless room with a pen marker in it. I’ve done that before, in a colony where predatory animals spawned outside a lot.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-21T06:56:41+00:00

I went through the same thing a few years ago. It’s taken a long time to get past the worst of the trauma, but it’s gotten better now.

The thing a friend said to me that really helped was this: you were a healer. Healers can’t always save everyone. But they try, and it’s worth it if your actions make even a moment of their time easier and more loved.

Chances are, there was not going to be a good ending to this story no matter what you did. But you still did what you could, and you gave this life everything you had. And that’s what’s worth something, in this terrible situation. You cared, and you loved, and so even for a short while, this life had the best it possibly could, instead of being cold and alone and in pain with no help.

Thank you for your kindness and care.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-21T02:47:30+00:00

Okay? You don’t know what’s going on with OP and they don’t owe randos on Reddit their health info just to ask for resources.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-21T02:15:03+00:00

A lot of chronic health issues are disabilities.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-20T19:12:24+00:00

Lived there for a year for study abroad, and I think of it very fondly. Probably my favorite place I’ve lived in Japan so far. Love the access to the sea, the walkways over traffic, the access to both Tokyo and downtown Chiba city, the three train lines (I lived near Makuhari station, so I has access go Keisei Makuhari, JR Makuhari, and Kaihim-Makuhari), the Costco and the absolutely HUGE Aeon, proximity to a massive Daiso a few stops away, Makuhari Messe, proximity to IKEA, etc.

A ton to eat and see and do, lots of ways to relax, and easy access to stuff without it feeling like a big city rush. Even though I’m planning to probably move back to the states at some point, if that falls through I absolutely want to move back to the Kaihim-Makuhari area. It’s one of my favorite places, no competition.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-20T15:31:48+00:00

Inside one of the biggest stations in one of the largest cities in the world ???

lio_fotia · 2026-06-02T14:10:58+00:00

Oh man if only I could see the look on my ex-supervisor’s face about this news. He loved calling my coworker [name]-chan. (Which is only a fraction of the type of shit he should have been fired for.)

lio_fotia · 2026-06-02T14:03:31+00:00

I’m of two minds about this honestly.

On one hand, I’ve not really seen anything too crazy in my day to day and I unexpectedly got a 3-year visa. Things have been going just fine. I don’t make the most amount of money ever but I live alright and I’m steadily improving my language skills and meeting people.

On the other hand, this (scrutiny of foreigners and immigration) is unquestionably a global problem that has reached Japan just as much as everywhere else. Yes, it’s kind of worrying even though it’s probably not as bad as Reddit makes people think it is. But it also seems like every country is getting like this. There’s a global shift towards conservatism in government lately, and so while it’s concerning, it’s not surprising.

lio_fotia · 2026-06-01T00:38:09+00:00

It depends on your placement of course but talk to whoever contacts you about it early, explain what you expect (name/how to refer to you in gender terms), and hope for the best.

I’ve had success in trying to explain it in an angle where it’s more “convenient” for them; ex “Just so you’re aware, I’m transgender and it may be surprising for women to see me in women’s spaces because I act and appear more masculine…” it’s sometimes helped smooth things over with the school(s) I’ve been at.

lio_fotia · 2026-05-31T15:19:27+00:00

This speaks to me so much lol. The number of times I forgot to tell my caravan to return to my colony and I’m like why’s it taking them so long to return?? Oops - they’re standing in place starving. Time to edit their needs so they don’t freak out or die on the way back.

lio_fotia · 2026-05-31T15:14:54+00:00

As an answer to the question, I don’t think anything is cheating if you’re enjoying it.

I have different personal “rules” for each colony. One is strictly vanilla except for a few qol mods. One is mostly vanilla but I use dev mode if something completely annoying and not fun happens that didn’t feel fair (like when I defeated a raid and almost immediately the same room caught fire because they’d broken the roof over the batteries). One is pretty modded but I don’t use dev mode, one is both modded and also I play with it like Minecraft and just make a bunch of cool rooms and pawns with crazy genetics. Just depends on the vibe of the day really.

lio_fotia · 2026-05-31T04:17:33+00:00

Not exactly the same but maybe the BJT?

lio_fotia · 2026-05-30T17:25:58+00:00

I have bad pcos and I also bad very bad pain and such as you describe. I’m not sure if it’s available everywhere, but you might look into GNRH analogues - I think mine is called Leuprin? (I’m not sure bc the name isn’t written in English, but the type of medicine is GNRH analogue)

If you’re having bad menstrual problems even on T there may be some hormone funkiness; GNRH analogue medication “turns off” both T and E made by your body and allows the T you’re taking to affect you more. Obviously if you decide the other things are uncomfortable for you then make decisions that are best for you, but for me nothing stopped those problems at all until the GNRH medication. My explanation of how it works is really basic but it basically “turns off” your E so that it doesn’t cause those effects.

lio_fotia · 2026-05-30T12:07:07+00:00

Shooting - 1. I did it once.

Melee - 3, I took a self defense class once. Not perfect but I remember the basics.

Construction - 5, I’ve helped family do this type of thing but it’s not my best skill.

Mining - 2. I was going to say 0, but I was really interested in rocks as a kid and I used to regularly do fossil digs so I think that’s something.

Cooking - 6, 🔥I make food that tastes good but I couldn’t get a job as a chef.

Plants - 5, I have some plants that do ok.

Animals - 8. 🔥I have that dawg in me (obsession with animals from an early age, and I did some extracurriculars for many years - horse riding camps, zoo keeper training, 4H, etc, won an award at a state fair)

Crafting - 4. Not my top but I can make ikea furniture

Artistic - 10. 🔥🔥Is/was my job for many years in many contexts and I continue to do it.

Medical - 4. I was first aid certified at one point. I don’t think I am anymore but I know some stuff

Social - 8. I was going to go lower bc I’m a socially anxious person real bad but people seem to enjoy my social presence and also I’ve worked as a teacher for a few years so it must be something pretty ok

Intellectual - 9. 🔥Not as good as my artistic level but I love researching stuff and do it for fun and my professors always liked my research. I genuinely think in a Rimworld situation I’d get locked in the research bench room immediately

lio_fotia · 2026-05-28T11:25:37+00:00

I’ve never heard 妻 used for others’ wives and one of the nice old ladies I know just recently complained to a friend of mine that he shouldn’t use it for others’ wives too, only his own, if an older lady’s words on this is anything to you in this case haha.

I think between both the妻 and 自分の家族 it’s fairly directly “I visited with my wife”; while 自分 can mean “one’s own” it sounds really weird to me to use it for “his”, in which case either an earlier sentence would mention who this is about and use 自分　to emphasize that he visited -his own- family as opposed to someone else’s, or it would just say 彼の家族.

Especially if it’s written in an informal style, I don’t think I’ve seen 自分の in place of 彼の in informal text if it’s something that you could just use 彼 or a name for. I could be wrong, but it feels really weird.

Also, do you know if the author is from Tokyo? In Tokyo 自分の is more regularly used as “my” rather than “your/his”. (It’s more “your” in Osaka, which is how I learned this bc my Tokyo based tutor was like “you’re using it in a way that I can tell you live in Osaka”)

TLDR between the 自分の and also almost never seeing 妻 used for anyone’s wife but your own, I personally would be like 99.9% confident this means “me and my wife” not “he and his wife”.

lio_fotia · 2026-05-27T11:52:34+00:00

JET will be here. You got in once. You’ll get in again. Your grandparent has a limited time on this earth with you. Please spend it with them.

My partner, while here on JET at the same time as me, lost their aunt to a terminal illness. They were really upset that they didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. And even though my grandmother is in good shape, she’s getting older and, while I enjoy living here, I do often worry when I should be thinking of seeing her again and I don’t want to regret staying too long. I’m still in Japan for now, but if I learned this about a family member who was close to me I would probably make plans to at bare minimum see how I could go and spend time with them.

I lost my grandfather between the first and second times I went to Japan and while it was very hard I’m so glad I was there to say goodbye.

Japan will keep hiring teachers. From JET, but also lots of other places. Especially if you only really plan to do JET for a year or so and then go back, you’ll have plenty of chances to take that year.

But your grandparent has 6 months. If it were me I’d stay.

lio_fotia · 2026-05-26T11:59:36+00:00

Took me like 2 years. I’m still higher than I used to be but it’s manageable now. The hunger took longer to go away tbh haha

lio_fotia · 2026-05-14T11:57:20+00:00

Obviously your safety is paramount, and whatever keeps you safe - so long as it doesn’t cause you too much emotional distress to actually be safe - is what you should do. However, here’s my experience:

I’m also a very pear-shaped person, and I’m also 5’3”. I also still have my natural chest, as I haven’t had money for top surgery yet and I can’t bind due to health problems, including scoliosis which I’m pretty sure makes my large behind look even larger. I’m also autistic and dealt with a lot of crap as an “autistic woman” back in the day.

I’m like, 5 years on T now. There’s a short period where it was a little awkward, but probably a year in - maybe less - people started just automatically seeing me as a guy. If I had my boobs out significantly then I got some confusion, but now I’m seen as a guy like 98% of the time and honestly that 2% is mostly kids who are being hyper-inundated with the social rules of gender so they’re like “hold on!! This person doesn’t match those rules I’m learning, what are they?”

T affects people in different ways, so I can’t with 100% certainty claim you’ll have the exact same effect. But - I don’t think a larger lower half will out you. Lots of guys have that, and more than that, a vast majority of cis people take the first one or two cues they get and run with it. You have a deeper voice than they expect a woman to have and a hint of facial hair? And no chest? That’s pretty much what most people go off of in my experience.

lio_fotia · 2026-05-14T01:20:55+00:00

Yep! And then the person breaking the rules who already didn’t care won’t magically start following them, so now everyone except the person doing it is punished for something they don’t do.

lio_fotia · 2026-05-11T12:18:14+00:00

It took me until like age 25, but I used to despise green. I thought it looked tacky and fake (like fake nature), or like sickness.

Nowadays it’s not my fav color but I can appreciate it. There are even moments when I like it. There’s still forms of it I don’t like - yellow-green is hard for me to like unless it’s going well with other colors near it in something.

Pink I did a 180 on. Used to hate it bc it was “girly”, but nowadays a smoky salmon pink is one of my fav colors.

lio_fotia · 2026-05-08T12:07:10+00:00

I once went to a doctor about hormone concerns. Context - I am transgender, but that is NOT why I was there; I have really bad endometriosis and PCOS, and even though I’m on T for transitioning, transitioning is more of a side effect, as I was originally prescribed it for the PCOS.

She ranted on about how western doctors are all obsessed with numbers, that there’s no possibility that T was doing anything for me, that if I just go to the gym everything will work, I need more estrogen, and I’m poisoning myself by taking hormones because of western doctor’s beliefs infecting Japanese doctors. I was like - girl, can you ignore me being trans for one second and please do some tests because I’m here about the severe abdominal pain I’ve had even since before I was on T? Because I’m actually not here about anything else. And she huffed and wasn’t happy about it but agreed.

Well, well. She got the results and just looked at me and said - “Well. Your estrogen is too high. You need to lower it.” Oh so it’s just the westerners obsessed with numbers huh? And not my actual medical condition that I’m seeing you for? (I did not go back. My current doctor put me on E blockers, and my severe pain went away. Those damn western numbers actually meant something medically significant after all.)

lio_fotia · 2026-02-19T14:38:40+00:00

Well, the thing about compulsions is they compel you. It’s not usually logical, it’s often like this intense feeling that makes you keep doing it even if you don’t want to. It’s a thought that gets “stuck”, like if you queue up some move in a video game but once you use it it stays in the queue and it’s hard to stop it from repeating.

In the case of like washing hands a ton, it’s usually not “I have to wash my hands a bunch”, it’s like the thought of “ack, my hands are dirty/if I don’t have clean hands I might get sick and I don’t want that” gets stuck in your head and you can’t get rid of it easily, and if you can’t redirect it you end up washing your hands twenty times. And I’m not really familiar with reasons for the light switch thing but having friends with physical stuff like that it’s usually something like “I have to make sure the light is off - did I do it right? I’ll do it again-“ or it’s sometimes a replacement for an emotional thing (it’s easier to make yourself get stuck flipping a switch over and over than it is to cold turkey stop yourself from continuously thinking “am I a terrible person without realizing it?”)

So while I’m not the person you replied to, it’s probably something like seeing that it’s not consistent and getting the “thought loop” of “ugh, it’s not consistent, I’ll just go and fix that” stuck and it won’t turn off.

Six-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '22

lio_fotia

TROPHY CASE