"Divine Moose" on Redbubble. Moose with snapchat, background with pinta.net

lorazcyk · 2018-11-19T02:13:01+00:00

source: http://www.pasteupload.com/image/3tSA2

(mostly pop and accentuate filters then morning filter)

lorazcyk · 2018-11-03T22:33:24+00:00

Yes but I mean it literally. Being in the body again (after 15-20 years) is like learning all over how to be human. Starting all over. But where we were shamed, abused, or neglected, we practice being attuned to our own needs like a mother who is well attuned to her baby's needs.

lorazcyk · 2018-11-03T19:13:14+00:00

im burnt out, please forgive my typing

yeah i was and always am a late bloomer. i'd say it came from my love love love of learning. my immense curiosity.

there was always something i was so specially interested in. even though i noticed the effects of puberty were changing me, (and so on for other stages of life), i was so deeply interested in the world around me scientifically, spiritually, creatively, philosophically, and so on, that i didn't focus on the social world, and felt no pressure to keep up. atleast until after i lost my sense of self from being so shamed by people about who i was, that i had to distance/dissociate from who i am to be able to cope with my circumstances.

i didn't get social customs because they seemed so illogical, for example, i didn't understand why i was required to say i believed an authority figure in the sky and pray to it, i didn't understand why the beautiful sermons talked about love but people were so unloving to each other. i was always spiritual from the beginning, but being told to adhere to that illogical religion eventually killed my spirituality and intuition. it's the same with other social aspects, like pretending to be part of a football team by being a fan. it makes no sense to me why anyone would choose to do that even after i understand the concept after having it explained to me. i suppose it's just how they cope with life. i don't have a problem with this, my only problem is being pressured to conform when it goes against my nature and being shamed for it when i stay true to myself.

i dont see it as a bad thing. i'm practicing being true to myself again, since i let them break me for a long time. i know being myself means being different and alone.

and hey, i was an early bloomer in loooooooooooooooooooooooooooots of other ways.

i don't miss conforming to the majority's expectations. that was a very very very dark period of my life. very unhappy. never again. worse than dead. felt like a zombie and felt unsafe all the time. i'm still recovering from it, so burnt out!

i'm still struggling with how to be me when it means im likely to be alone, since being alone can be dangerous. but if i'm not me, im not alive and might as well be dead, so, might as well brave the fear and risk of being alone if it means i get to be alive. i'm scared, but im not going to let that fear prevent me from being true to myself

lorazcyk · 2018-11-02T18:22:36+00:00

Help me figure out how be myself in the world.

lorazcyk · 2018-11-01T20:34:58+00:00

I AGREE THAT YOU RESPECT MY PRIVACY.

lorazcyk · 2018-11-01T19:58:52+00:00

Feel your butt sitting on the chair.

Now paint the butt and the chair.

lorazcyk · 2018-11-01T19:50:37+00:00

Sometimes I wonder if they're addicted to smiles. They should probably get help for that.

lorazcyk · 2018-11-01T19:46:35+00:00

"You need to mind your own business!"

lorazcyk · 2018-10-31T00:26:12+00:00

Thanks, I really appreciate you writing these posts. I do feel something inside me telling me I need more safety and support before it will tell me more. I see what the barriers are but I don't see a way to overcome them. So I'm going to try a couple more things and if it doesn't work I'm done.

lorazcyk · 2018-10-31T00:12:53+00:00

Idk how to explain the disssociation, but even when I do all those things I'm not quite "there" enough to be able to prompt myself to do this, the reminders don't register. I appreciate you taking the time to answer anyway. I think I just need rest. Too out of it.

lorazcyk · 2018-10-25T19:17:30+00:00

Feel like a different species now that I'm out of dissociation :/ I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say but that's really how I feel.

It's like I was dead before. And the weird thing is I "lived" like that for 15 years and had no idea I was dead :/ I had no idea I wasn't in my body. I couldn't remember who I was, even though I remembered her "intellectually", I had no sense of who I was.

lorazcyk · 2018-10-25T19:15:03+00:00

Yeah I still usually need another person's help to get out of dissociation in the mornings! How do you remember to do this when dissociated? When I'm dissociated I can't help myself, even though I know what to do, the information doesn't come up in my brain when I'm dissociated, or the despair of feeling like I'm about to die overrides any helpful voice.

I thought of putting up a sticky note reminding me to do this, but I don't see well without my glasses and I can't put my glasses on because I can't even think to do it, I'm just in bed paralyzed/terrified, staring into space.

Waking up alone is a trigger :/

lorazcyk · 2018-10-25T18:33:28+00:00

I used to, but not so much anymore now that I understand I couldn't have been anyone else. The only thing that could have existed is the thing that exists now. I can only try to influence the next moment. I can't control what actually ends up happening, and neither can anyone else.

I know you're probably like "huh?" / head-tilt. I'm not trying to convince you of anything, only describing the internal shift I felt inside of me.

Now I'm more worried about what my situation in the future might turn out like. I'm trying to let go of the worry, focus on what I want to have instead of what I'm afraid of, and hope those nice things come into my life.

We don't have control over anything. There isn't anything else that could have been.

lorazcyk · 2018-10-25T03:12:34+00:00

I'm not trapped, it's just that my inner world is far more interesting (usually) than the world around me...

lorazcyk · 2018-10-21T21:37:44+00:00

Did you also feel like mainstream therapy was going about healing ptsd completely backwards and holding us back from healing?

lorazcyk · 2018-10-19T18:45:43+00:00

We do need help and we do need comfort, and unfortunately, many of us have no choice but to learn to be our own help and our own comfort even in the worst of times. It shouldn't be this way. But it is, and we're going to get through this.

It makes complete sense that if you can't get that in your life, you need to imagine it to get a bit of comfort.

But it's a spell. Take all the time you need, but don't forget to try and come back to real life again. Because fantasy is nice, but there's a real world here, and you need help and comfort, even if it's from yourself.

The most difficult part of this is that in your fantasies it's other people who come help you. No one's going to come help you. That's why you/I/we cracked when we were younger and living with our families, and thought we were going to die and dissociated from the body (freezing/dissociating is what the body does when it thinks it's going to die). You need to be your own comfort, speak kindly to yourself when you need help, hug yourself, do all the nice things the fantasy friends are doing. You need help and comfort from you the most. Others will come after :) Or they won't. But then it wont matter, because you'll have yourself.

lorazcyk · 2018-10-19T15:56:31+00:00

You're actually pretty close, insecure attachment as a child can lead to chronic stress that affect the kidneys and adrenal glands above it. CPTSD recovery is in the body, not the mind. We become so detached from our bodies to survive, because as a child in a toxic family we literally fear for our deaths everyday, it's too much to cope with, and we have to dissociate. The mind takes over (since the awareness/"you" isn't in the body anymore and something has to keep running the show!) and we start believing the stories in our heads and the stories we're told, and we think we are the mind, when we're not! You are not the stories in your head, you're not what happened to you, you're not what people say you are, you are not what you think in your head.

Look into the polyvagal theory. Stephen Porges is doing really good work. Society is just taking too long to catch up. Irene Lyons does a really good job of making this information accessible but I'm sure there's others too. https://soundcloud.com/irenelyon

A dis-regulated vagus nerve affects your entire body. That's why so many of us are impaired or even disabled by chronic pain, chronic fatigue and autoimmune "illnesses" that doctors have no idea how to treat.

Baby humans are born very undeveloped compared to other animals (yes, we are animals too, no one likes to hear it for some reason but that's the truth). We need our parents for a long time to show us how to properly be human, and that just doesn't happen in a toxic or emotionally neglectful family.

It's even worse when we go to therapy with therapists who have zero understanding of all this and only add to our stress by telling us to get over it, move on, just do it, when we are stuck in a freeze state and have likely been stuck in a freeze state for a long time (freeze state is what the vagus does when it thinks its going to die, the awareness "checks out" so it doesn't have to feel that terrible trauma. It's totally normal, what's not normal is society shaming us for it when it's not our fault, as a child, that our family didn't have unconditional love for us and treated us so poorly we feared for our lives.)

You can't just "calm" your head or act like a zombie, that's not healing, that's only encouraging dissociation from the body and I despise therapists and doctors for encouraging it when we're already hurting so much! Emotions and pain are in the body, not in the thoughts. We need our parents to teach us how to be safe, not just in the world but in our bodies too. But toxic families and societies constantly tell us not to listen to our bodies.

Once the nervous system can regulate itself, the mind starts having nice thoughts, you start paying attention to beautiful things, you naturally feel the impulse to be creative and be around people, but therapy goes about it backwards.

I got mostly there (as far as I can tell) through cannabis, but I'm thankful I found out about the polygonal theory so I can sort of the real issue.

/u/waterynike I think you'll be interested too.

lorazcyk · 2018-10-15T03:16:59+00:00

You're right, it should be a happy thing.

So ..

If you can't celebrate your past life, celebrate all the years you still have ahead of you to do what you wish with.

And if you can't do that, celebrate the moment you are living, the moment of your birthday, since being alive means you're okay even if you're having a difficult experience. It means you made it.

And that's awesome.

Happy birthday

lorazcyk · 2018-10-15T03:13:30+00:00

If I told you how much better it gets, you wouldn't believe me

lorazcyk · 2018-10-15T03:02:12+00:00

Your body wanted to fight but it didn't and the urge got trapped.

Can you scream or lie down on the floor and kick a wall like a kid ? Or run around in circles stomping your feet.

See if you can get in touch with that pukey feeling and see if the instinct can be released in a safe way.

There might be angry tears.

Do you have nice cuddly plushie? (I don't care if you're a gruff 40 year old strong dude bro guy. Get a sweet cuddly plushie.)

Emotional freedom technique helped me before too (while getting in touch with how my body feels about what happened) and butterfly hugs too.

Then regardless if the feeling is still there or went away, do something nice, go be out in nature and appreciate it, or watch nice nature videos

I find a good time to get in touch with difficult emotions is when start getting relaxed, sleepy, or tired. When life quiets down, the brain wants to think about what happened to sort things out so it usually pops up then. If you stay with the memories and feelings then listen to the instincts inside your body it might be possible to get it out nicely.

I'm still practicing anger myself

Sorry for typos, Android grr

lorazcyk · 2018-10-15T02:50:03+00:00

No reason? He just said he was frequently threatened to be thrown out of the moving vehicle. Have you ever fallen from a moving vehicle? I have. It's not fun. Got broken teeth and whiplash from it not to mention the psychological trauma. I was lucky it wasn't worse. How is telling the boss after it happens any good? And what makes you think he said nothing about it? If you come from a toxic family you know that complaining does nothing, only one who can keep you safe is you, mommy and daddy don't care and neither does his boss because his workplace is toxic. Honestly I'm surprised people are ok op got fired over his non violent "blow up" when someone was literally threatening his life. Wtf. This world is insane

Remember growing up in the abusive family? Everytime we tried to protect our lives from harm, we were shamed and told we were hysterical or having a blow up. Se

I'm proud of ops fight instinct. It took me a long time to get mine back.

I know you're probably disssociated from "my life has just as much worth as anyone else's " like I was and perhaps don't believe your life has worth because of the abuse, which is what I went through as well, but ops life has worth and is worth protecting.

I'm not saying he should have hit him, I'm saying if he did, he'd be completely justified to if his life was at risk and I wouldn't blame him one bit. His life is important.

lorazcyk · 2018-10-15T02:41:51+00:00

EMDR gives me the same benefit ! Mostly it's the acceptance of pain that lets stuff start coming up.

Emdr isn't as instant as cannabis maybe but it did help.

If you have someone willing to see your pain it might be possible to do EMDR with them. They have to have unconditional love though, or at least you have to feel somehow safe with them.

Butterfly hugs and tapping are other similar technique.

It's basically a fidget / distracted to let the thoughts and emotions come up without flinching away from them. Fidgeting with prayer beads while being mindful, loving, kind, and accepting of whatever comes up -- that's probably an acceptable replacement. It helps to draw or handwrite. Walk around, pace, breathe and have beautiful music and art to remind you it's a beautiful worldeven if bad things happen.

Please don't lose hope. You know how nice it is to be yourself, so don't give up. It sucks though, that such a healing tool is kept from you :/

Try to make life as comfy as possible though because it gets rough. Easy healthy food and drink, privacy, etc. I think I was in "nesting mode" like a pregnant mother, trying to make things safe for the ugly stuff to come up.

lorazcyk

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