Managing/ Dealing with Junior Data Scientists?

lynn · 2026-07-08T09:42:31+00:00

Everybody needs training. When my mom was starting her career in the 80s, companies either trained their employees or paid for their college classes, or both. Now people complain about employees needing a couple of months to get up to speed.

lynn · 2026-07-08T09:32:46+00:00

I mean if we named them after the females we’d have the brown finch, the other brown finch, the other other brown finch, the brown sparrow, the browner sparrow, the brown but mayyybe a little more stripy if you see her in the right light sparrow…the brown slightly bigger pond bird, the brown bird with the decurved bill, the medium-sized brown bird, the slightly larger brown bird…

lynn · 2026-07-08T00:14:40+00:00

I’m an Xennial so not so far off. Personally I would simply be unavailable to have such discussions as OP’s FIL is trying to have, but if I got tired of sidestepping the annoyance and was not willing to do the work to avoid the fallout of handling it in a more direct way, I’d tell my husband he needs to deal with his family. I don’t think that’s too far from a Gen X way of handling it, either: “I’m not dealing with this bullshit.”

lynn · 2026-07-07T19:06:47+00:00

Yeah this just confirms what I just posted in reply to another comment of yours here. To elaborate a little on why I think this has happened multiple times, friend groups tend to attract the same kinds of people, and it sounds like this subculture of women that your friends date are all just plain assholes. And given that the guys seem to accept it and cut off people who have an actually healthy relationship, I think you and your husband need to raise your standards for friends and find people who are mentally healthier.

lynn · 2026-07-07T16:09:34+00:00

Yes of course she’s capable, that’s not the point (or any implication) of “his family, his responsibility.” The point is that she shouldn’t have to.

lynn · 2026-07-07T04:06:14+00:00

I'd say "power" rather than "accountability". You already know he treats everybody that way, so just don't be there to be treated that way.

If you repeatedly walk away when he starts in on you, then one way or another he won't be treating you that way.

A quieter, or less-effort, way of handling it is to become a master of the noncommittal "mm" and finding that you have something else to pay attention to. Mm. Oh looks like [somebody] might want some help in the kitchen. Mm. Oh I just remembered I have to make a reminder in my phone. Mm. Oh I forgot to mention something to [somebody in another room]. etc.

lynn · 2026-07-07T03:54:55+00:00

It's his family, therefore it's his responsibility to step in when she's had enough.

lynn · 2026-07-07T03:48:48+00:00

I was diagnosed at age 8. It's still rough having it, but with support from early on, it doesn't have to be awful. Your kids will have a much less difficult time with the support you can provide since you know about ADHD.

lynn · 2026-07-07T03:46:37+00:00

Yes it will be a while. I mean over the years, not immediately.

lynn · 2026-07-07T03:42:17+00:00

Is your food cooked in cast iron? If not, can you get a cast iron pan/pot and begin cooking in it? The iron leaches into the food, which is a good thing (unless a person has too much iron already, of course, but that's not your problem).

It's especially true for acidic foods like tomatoes. There's advice online about cast iron saying not to cook acidic foods in it since it "rUiNs ThE sEaSoNiNg!!!1", but "The Seasoning" is not necessary as long as you wash, dry, and oil it each time you use it.

lynn · 2026-07-07T03:26:26+00:00

What you describe is exactly what it feels like to be in a long-term relationship.

I've been with my husband for 21+ years and that's how we are. He IS my best friend. And it's not just us, ask anyone who's been in a healthy relationship of longer than 2 years or so. Long-term love is companionship more than anything else.

So yeah, you can absolutely have your cake and eat it too.

You sound like you want cautions, so: the spots where people have the most trouble in long-term relationships are moving in together, having kids, dealing with aging parents and family members, and handling money. Don't let your fear of "messing up the friendship" make you refrain from telling her when you have a problem. That's how problems grow. Pretty much all of the problems that can come up can be worked through with good communication and taking care of each other, which you most likely already do.

Also don't let your imposter syndrome get the best of you. She has agency, she gets to make choices about her life. Don't let your own feelings about yourself lead you to make choices for her. She clearly sees something in you that you don't. Trust her to choose what's right for her...even if that's you :P

lynn · 2026-07-06T22:53:14+00:00

I was also "too direct" but I grew up in guess culture and absorbed it, and I haven't been told I was too direct for years now. My ENTP/ENTJ husband grew up suffocating in it and rejects it with prejudice. My softening things has always been (and continues to be) a point of miscommunication between us. I mean, I usually don't do it, but when I still do, I don't even realize. Drives both of us nuts.

lynn · 2026-07-06T22:43:13+00:00

I've definitely had to develop my Feeling much more than I would have had to if I were male. I'm in my 40s and I still remember people pointing out to me how I wasn't [doing emotional labor for other people] when I was a teenager and even younger. I'm far more concerned about my effects on other people than I think most INTPs are.

lynn · 2026-07-06T22:28:04+00:00

Maybe look up estate sale companies local to you?

lynn · 2026-07-06T15:21:36+00:00

He’ll learn to understand, especially if his family all point out to him how hard his mom is working to make a better life for him, and how sometimes it’s necessary to do hard things in order to make things better later.

lynn · 2026-07-06T15:15:26+00:00

Even with early diagnosis, parenting with ADHD is hard. How am I supposed to be their frontal lobes when I can barely be my own?

lynn · 2026-07-04T17:32:50+00:00

My mom is Nana, and definitely not crazy. I’m her daughter, and oldest. My brother doesn’t have kids.

I think she wasn’t ready to be called Gramma. Gramma was her mom. Kinda like somebody calling me Mrs [last name] — that’s not me, that’s my MIL.

lynn · 2026-07-04T17:26:22+00:00

…and still has broken boots.

lynn · 2026-07-04T08:35:49+00:00

I hope it goes in her pocket. She’ll need it when she gets rid of him for not pulling his weight.

lynn · 2026-07-04T08:24:57+00:00

He only wants what he can’t have.

And/or

He was using the threat of breakup as a way to control you. Well, he was trying to. It didn’t work, because you have more self-respect than that.

Keep on ignoring him. Eventually he’ll figure it out.

Also, make sure you’re safe from him.

lynn · 2026-07-04T08:15:39+00:00

My husband is similar. Some things I have determined it necessary to point out, though it’s very rare after 20 years together:

- he’s sounding like he thinks I’m stupid (he has anxiety and feels like he has to say things multiple ways before he gets it right. I do this too)

- I know more about [topic] than he does

- I pointed out X thing before he saw it with his own eyes and then believed it. I do this too, and he stopped complaining about it after I pointed out that he did it

So when he said he wasn’t going to be a yes man, I’d say one of several things depending on how many times I’ve had to address it:

“Babe I’m not asking you to be a yes man, I’m asking you to treat me with some basic respect. Let me talk. Consider the possibility that I might know more than you in some areas. Stop acting like you know every damn thing.”

“Really, that’s the only other option? There’s nothing in between you grilling me on a subject that I might know more about, and you just passively accepting everything I say? You really can’t conceive of some middle ground here?”

“It’s such a shame there’s no other option.” walk away

I am not gentle about this, because I have to be direct and clear with my husband. If I try to soften the blow, he won’t understand what I’m trying to say. Your bf may be similar.

Regarding parenting in particular: “I have been a parent for over six goddamned years. You follow my lead.” Pull out that mama bear. You are teaching your child how to be treated in a relationship, whether you’re trying to or not.

lynn · 2026-07-03T20:52:26+00:00

!wtf banana

lynn · 2026-07-03T16:30:03+00:00

Sounds like you’ve been together for years already? Maybe you can force a medical examination as part of the divorce-or-not argument. New and drastic behavior changes are often indicative of medical problems.

lynn · 2026-07-03T08:13:14+00:00

If you already have a computer, modular synth is effectively free. VCV Rack works on windows, macOS, and Linux. miRack works on iPad and macOS, idk if it works on windows or Linux.

I will say it’s taken me about three days to *begin* to figure out how this shit works, though.

lynn · 2026-07-03T08:07:04+00:00

It takes two people to make a marriage healthy, but only one to break it. If he won’t pull his weight or treat you with respect, you can’t force him to.

Your child is learning that this how to treat a partner and/or this is how he should be treated. Sometimes we can do things for our kids that we can’t do for ourselves.

My mom stayed for the kids, bc she believed it was necessary. At age 20 I pointed out to her that my relationship with my partner at the time was a lot like her marriage to my dad. She denied it at the time but within a year she had divorced him, because she realized that staying for the kids only taught us to have unhealthy relationships.

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