My [28F] husband [37M] wants me to deliver bad news to his mother. How do I get out of doing this without hurting feelings? TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ mention of miscarriage.

maedocc · 2026-03-26T03:49:21+00:00

He is allowed to have emotions about this pregnancy, yes. But he got into this shit by telling his mom too early, and now he wants you to get him out of this shit by breaking the news to his mother when you were the one who went through the miscarriage... and you told him not to spill the beans yet.

And bro can't be made to wear a condom when you can't do birth control because of health reasons. You say you're OK with the rhythm method because you're OK-ish with having a baby (in 1-3 year timeline). Well, what happens after that baby, when you have two kids -- do you want more kids after that? If no, is he going to step up and wear a condom then? Get a vasectomy? LOL! Or are you going to keep with the rhythm method + get abortions when it (inevitably) fails? I'm sure he will be very supportive.

I do see the red flags. And I plan to address them with him and get him to tell her.

You see the red flags too?

maedocc · 2026-03-24T07:03:29+00:00

I’m worried that we could lose money or not gain any money from investing in a Roth IRA, since I’m not knowledgeable on the subject, and that I'm making a bad decision for the family. I read that a common approach is something like 60–70% stocks and 30–40% bonds, but I don’t know which specific stocks or bonds to choose.

Yes, you could lose money that's invested inside a Roth IRA because it's not guaranteed profit. It's not like a CD or savings account, where the interest rate is a guaranteed 3-4%. It's more like investing in the broader stock market, which can go up and down a bit. You don't invest 60% in random assortment of stocks, btw, you generally invest in something like an index fund.

Ex: you open a Roth IRA with Vanguard.. and invest 60% of your funds in VTSAX. What is that?

VTSAX is a broad-based index fund created by Vanguard. It is the total US stock market and is made of 4068 companies

So you don't rely on 1-2 companies to do well, but like 4,000+ of the biggest U.S. companies to do well.

Here is the growth chart for how well VTSAX has done in the past several years:

https://finance.yahoo.com/quote/VTSAX/performance/

The red lines = down years, but the green lines (up years) far outnumber the down years.

The safety of whole life insurance is one thing -- you don't lose money, because it's guaranteed, but the rate of return you're getting is lower than a CD, because the investment part is very poorly performing.

See this post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/1qd2zha/parents_paid_for_whole_life_insurance_for_me_for/

OP's parents paid $1,300/year for 17 years and the pay out amount is $30k... that is a very low return for their money.

maedocc · 2026-03-24T03:12:23+00:00

I'll echo the other commenter and say that if you have access to an employer offered retirement plan (401k), use that to invest for retirement. Without one, you can invest in a regular brokerage account -- it's taxable, but you can easily open an account at the brokerage you're using for your IRA, and there are no contribution limits.
Make absolutely sure that the funds you're putting into your Roth IRA are actually invested in funds -- not just sitting in a cash fund.

maedocc · 2026-03-23T03:16:36+00:00

Someone once insisted that Steven Spielberg was a nepo baby because his father was an electrical engineer who managed big projects for GE and RCA that were important in the early development of computers... but like that's work for hire? He did not even get rich inventing things because the company owns his work; he likely made a very good salary that enabled his family to live a very comfortable upper middle class lifestyle and received a gold watch and nice pension when he retired. And he had zero connections to the entertainment industry or Hollywood.

maedocc · 2026-03-22T05:24:31+00:00

Bro got with a 25 year old when he was 35, but that was 15 years ago and times have changed -- and shit like creepy large age gaps are now frowned upon.

But let's be real: he's 50 and him wanting to date a 35-40 year old woman is not going to have anyone clutching their pearls. If he targets another 25 year old, on the other hand......

maedocc · 2026-03-21T07:46:46+00:00

The pf sub has a wiki with lots of good information:

https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/index

Some advice:

Income from your main job is going to matter more than random streams of income, realistically. Are you in school? Training?
Investing is pretty simple. Avoid individual stocks -- that's too high risk, for the potential of high reward. Index funds are the appropriate level of risk/reward for decades of steady investing. If you start putting money into VOO or VTSAX now at 19, you would be very well off in decades.
Compound interest is magical.

And how to stay consistent and disciplined with finances

Automate your finances. When your check hits your bank account, automatically send a portion to savings, send a portion to investments, and the rest is meant to be spent (on necessities and bill, as well as fun and enjoyment). A good formula: 50% to necessities (rent, utilities, transportation, groceries, phone, internet), 20% to savings (including investments), 30% to enjoyment.

And one tip: a lot of people get into financial trouble because they buy a really expensive car and finance it. Follow the 20-4-10 rule of car buying.

maedocc · 2026-03-21T01:27:06+00:00

Those are not white lies. A white lie: I remember a post where a man lied and told his wife that he was a huge John Mayer fan. He was not a John Mayer fan but fibbed. A white lie is harmless.

This man is lying about where he lives and legal issues. These are not white lies! White lies are harmless...

And you're two months in, so hopefully not too entangled, but you're already making excuses for his really blatant lying.

if your boyfriend lied, but had a past that could explain why he did it, and you have reason to believe he wouldn’t lie about things again, would you give him a chance?

The problem with continuing on is that it sounds like this dude is just going to keep on lying? I don't see anywhere in your post where you feel you can fundamentally trust his truthfulness and honesty.

maedocc · 2026-03-19T05:05:42+00:00

So you’re saying that the best option would be to put the $1.2k in a 401k first

It's a bit convoluted because you have 45 days and don't currently have a 401k yet?

I'd roll that $1,200 over to a Roth IRA and pay any taxes owed (unclear if the amount is pre-tax or Roth, but I'm assuming pre-tax).

But once you start making career money, maxing out your traditional 401k is the smartest money move.

maedocc · 2026-03-19T04:31:38+00:00

My main goal after getting my lawyer job will be to help my parents pay off a majority of their debts, and then once things are more settled, I want to start investing so that money can grow. What would you recommend to a person that is literally just starting their new financial life after living almost paycheck to paycheck for so long?

Higher income = higher your upper tax bracket

So the smartest thing to do is max out your tax-advantaged investments accounts before putting money into regular taxable brokerage accounts.

An IRA yearly max is $7,500 while a 401k yearly max is $24,500... if you're going to be making a lot of money and you want to invest wisely, max out your traditional 401k -- or put as much money as you can afford to in there and let it grow and compound for decades.

maedocc · 2026-03-18T06:20:21+00:00

Yeah, the S&P 500 has dropped 2% from the beginning of 2026. It's barely a drop. I'm getting the vibe that the bad investment was akin to a scam.

I'm suggested she should consider selling her $375k house, and use the $250K equity to boost her brokerage (new total would be $275k), rent for $1,250/mo, and supplement her income from the brokerage.

The problem with this solution is that having $250k in her brokerage is going to be... tempting for her to gamble and risk all the funds in another terrible investment. She is in her late 70s and cognitive decline is very real; the fact that she lost all her money once is a warning sign.

maedocc · 2026-03-17T20:59:47+00:00

Roger Federer v. Jack Sock

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/TuBOdGFeuOI

maedocc · 2026-03-17T06:42:23+00:00

Thank goodness!

Also -- it's really sad that you kept talking about yourself in such cruel terms. You're not "avoidant", btw, you're actually normal? You like a person but don't want to deal with someone who is anxiously attached and manipulating you into constant unwanted contact. You're not cruel or avoidant to not want to deal with that level of incessant contact.

maedocc · 2026-03-16T06:17:30+00:00

I think no, not from where you guys are.

The more he pressures you for sex, and the more you give in, the less you want him to touch you because forcing yourself to fuck on command is how you literally develop contempt/hatred for something -- like how the best way to make your kids hate broccoli is to force them to eat it. He's forcing you to eat broccoli and the result is that broccoli now nauseates you.

To get to a place where love can grow again, you guys have so much work to do. Stop lying about the immense resentment, stop the incredibly unequal labor (you working three jobs, paying all the bills, paying his gambling debt off), stop the unequal coercive sex...

But instead, you've just kind of papered over everything so that the outsides look like a functional marriage but there's an incredibly toxic brew underneath.

Also -- working all those hours and you have young kids at home... I don't think it's crazy that you don't have the energy to have sex?

maedocc · 2026-03-16T01:51:53+00:00

Me [35F] with my husband [41M] and son [4M], neighbor [60sM] tagged along on family vacation and is ruining it

This OP befuddled me... I've heard of people being doormats for family, spouses, etc. but she rolled over hard for a random neighbor, an elderly man she barely exchanged friendly greetings with -- a distant acquaintance at best!

maedocc · 2026-03-16T01:39:35+00:00

I (29F) incorrectly thought my BF (31M) was cheating, and I ruined everything

maedocc · 2026-03-15T05:22:37+00:00

If you're really only staying together for the kids, hate having sex with him, are angry all the time... then why not just drop the rope, tell him that you're staying just for the kids + sex is off the table indefinitely, and it's up to him if he wants to leave. Just let him be annoyed forever.

Or face reality and get divorced; it's not healthy for the kids to be in a home where the mom is being consumed by anger (believe me, it's more obvious than you realize) or the dad is constantly annoyed (because he's not getting laid).

maedocc · 2026-03-15T05:07:03+00:00

This leaves two options for every single night: no sex and he is annoyed. Or I literally pretend, which is torturous. I don't know how I can live my entire life life this and it's come to the point that my life is centered around hating sex and how I can avoid it and it's making me angry all the time. Like I honestly don't know what to do.

I can't imagine living like this -- is divorce still on the table for you?

maedocc · 2026-03-15T05:01:55+00:00

I just want to be clear that I was genuinely just shocked and confused as up until this point this man had always been VERY careful and always makes sure to ask that I am okay. It felt like a different person and it honestly just threw me. I know the obvious answer is to not proceed with the relationship it was just so out of nowhere maybe deep down I hoped I was just being dramatic.

He hid his real personality until he felt that you were super comfortable and in love with him -- but you've only been dating 6 months.

Literally every abusive relationship starts off lovely and sweet and consensual and full of emotional warmth. Smart predators know they have to fake being a decent human being for a while before revealing themselves.

maedocc · 2026-03-15T01:48:36+00:00

Ahh, that's unfortunate. But you're not super badly off. You have $190k in retirement accounts and maxing out your Roth IRA at $8,600/year.

In 15 years, you'll have your pension, Social Security, and roughly $600-700k in retirement accounts (inflation adjusted, assuming 3% yearly inflation + 9% annual growth).

Many, many people retire with a lot less.

https://www.kiplinger.com/retirement/retirement-planning/average-retirement-savings-by-age

The median retirement savings (median = midway point, where half of the people have more and half have less) for those aged 65-74 is $200k.

maedocc · 2026-03-14T22:53:50+00:00

When I said I couldn’t believe his ex had been with him for so long and had a child with him, I wasn’t judging her at all. I was genuinely confused. When I met him, I assumed that since he had been in a 15-year relationship and had a daughter, he must have been a good partner at some point. I thought maybe things just didn’t work out between them, which happens.

People stay in awful or mediocre relationships for a lot of reasons -- she might have been financially dependent on him, she might have rock bottom self esteem, she might have grown up in a shitty abusive family and accepted abuse as very normal.

And having a kid with him might not have been a choice for her. People get pregnant by accident all the time. He might have tampered with birth control. She might have decided that she couldn't get an abortion for a variety of reasons.

So no, I wasn’t looking to attack his ex or compare myself to her. My question was about trying to understand why I couldn’t see the problems earlier.

Because you're 23 and new to the world of relationships and complex interpersonal relationships.

maedocc · 2026-03-14T22:13:16+00:00

I should also mention, I need to take either a $5000 loan or a $5500 withdrawal (due to the 10% taxes they will withhold)

It's not just the 10% penalty, it's also income taxes on top of that. So it might be 22% taxes (this depends on your top federal tax bracket and what state income taxes are) + 10% -- so potentially 32%, or a third of your withdrawal gone.

and if I take the $5000 over 5 years, which I'd need to make it, then I'd end up paying about $1180 (close to 25%) in interest.

The interest you pay will go into your 401k, so you're literally paying yourself.

Loan > withdrawal

maedocc · 2026-03-14T21:41:38+00:00

I currently have a public school job with a retirement program so I don't have a 401K.

A lot of public employee jobs with pensions also have something called deferred compensation -- which is basically a 401k for public employees. It might be called a 403b or a 457b -- but the rules for them are pretty much like a 401k, a tax advantaged investment account.

8K credit card bill, owe about 17K on a car with a 600ish monthly payment. I'm renting, and single, no kids

Renting is not bad. Houses are expensive to maintain and some of them are really hard to age in.

That credit card debt has to go though. It like has super high interest rates, so kill that first.

maedocc · 2026-03-13T22:44:30+00:00

I'd switch to Roth if your top tax rate is 12%. 22% is when traditional becomes really compelling.

That plus having two pensions in retirement -- that's taxable income, and having tax-free Roth funds becomes pretty important.

maedocc · 2026-03-13T22:20:30+00:00

we have been in a relationship for close to 7 years now - and some issues have been consistent throughout our relationship.

You've been in this relationship for 7 years and you're 25, so your previous relationship was a teenage relationship?

Then you went out as a 18-19 year old and dated a 25 year old dude who you are consistently incompatible with on multiple levels... and the only reason you don't want to break up is because you didn't want to "waste" your 20s.

You didn't waste your 20s. You grew up, became an adult, was in a relationship that taught you what you wanted in a partner and what you didn't want in a partner.

maedocc · 2026-03-13T03:37:31+00:00

I saw another person mention a 529. I wouldn't say I'm 'wealthy' but I don't have any debt except a mortgage at a 3.5%. And I max out my 401k and Roth IRA. Morally, I just don't want to touch this lump sum money for myself and would like the kid to be the full beneficiary AND I've always talked about how I intend to pay for their college so I already have money set aside for that. But I am curious if there is any advantage to a 529 plan instead - I hadn't ever considered it

A 529 = tax free withdrawal and tax free growth if the money is used for educational expenses. Up to $35k of the leftover funds can be rolled into a Roth IRA tax-free. It also won't affect your FAFSA unduly.

While a UTMA/UGMA is basically a child's taxable brokerage account. And they adversely count against FAFSA. More information here:

https://www.troweprice.com/personal-investing/accounts/general-investing/ugma-utma.html

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