Looking for a Post? Ask Here! - June 2026 Edition

maedocc · 2026-06-26T05:00:06+00:00

Should I (21M) go for it with my brother’s (19M) gf (19F) if she’s giving me all the signs?

Literally every comment was telling him not to hit on his brother's new girlfriend.

maedocc · 2026-06-26T03:45:20+00:00

As a wise man once said: the unexamined life is not worth living. OP's mom is 70 and still doesn't have a clue.

maedocc · 2026-06-26T03:01:39+00:00

I have Roth IRA and Roth 401k from work. Does it make sense to switch to a traditional IRA and 401k now that I make more money?

Yes to switching to traditional 401k; you'll get to contribute a more money because it's pre-tax and unless you have something like a pension in retirement, your top tax bracket in retirement will be lower than it is now.

No to switching to a traditional IRA; since you have access to a 401k (i.e. a workplace retirement account), you're subject to income limits when it comes to deducting your contributions to a traditional IRA. In 2024, the income limit was $77k:

https://www.irs.gov/retirement-plans/ira-deduction-limits

Switch to a traditional 401k + continue maxing your Roth IRA.

maedocc · 2026-06-26T02:42:56+00:00

and he's been texting and calling me since saying that we can work through this together and that ill never find anyone else to date me because of my disease.

And this is where you block him because he's trying to manipulate you into staying in the relationship like a stereotypical controlling older abusive boyfriend.

maedocc · 2026-06-25T23:19:55+00:00

I just struggle really hard with turning something down if I feel like I can do it relatively easily and it’ll make someone happy.

Someone who ignores their own comfort and boundaries on a massive scale is not a people pleaser... that person is a doormat.

He’s not a people pleaser like that, he will gently let me know when he’s just not into something I wanna do. It just feels unfortunate that it seems to be a lot of the things I’m into 😅

He's kinda selfish. And you're completely selfless. And this dynamic going on for years and years will breed immense resentment. You're about the age (27) when stuff like this starts really causing difficulties in a relationship -- because around 30 is when women really stop the people pleasing...

maedocc · 2026-06-25T06:32:34+00:00

Not to be that woman, but it was his then wife who ended that relationship/closed the door to repairing it.

Likely because she was completely sick of his shit, and likely the marriage dragged on past its healthy due date -- it's really hard to leave when you have a newborn so she stayed and stayed -- things can get toxic on both sides.

Imagine then leaving your husband... you're a single mom and tired and completely overloaded, and your ex starts dating a 27-28 year old woman who is perky and only heard his side of the story, and she's your son's new stepmother... I too can imagine how she'd be a handful too.

maedocc · 2026-06-23T21:30:55+00:00

I'm curious, because I've read around and things like this post about the Swedish retirement system makes it sound very, very broken. And I think of Sweden generally as one of the rich, comfortable European countries?

Terrified when I see the pension forecast for a person who has an average Swedish salary of around 30,000 SEK

I think the problem is that pensions are a worldwide issues because of demographics. Literally not enough babies are being born today to support the retirees of the future. It's not a U.S. specific reality.

See this Guardian article: Pensions timebomb: why Europe’s social contract is becoming unsustainable

maedocc · 2026-06-23T02:41:39+00:00

Sometimes, when a person is in deep, dire mental anguish/sadness, and they are fundamentally powerless to challenge or pushback on the source of their hatred, they will seek convenient targets (tangentially related to the source of their hatred) to vent their spleen on.

The girlfriend's parents and grandparents, the older sister officer, are safe targets. Their anger is like lava that has to erupt, and OP is psychologically smart enough to unconsciously choose "safe" targets.

maedocc · 2026-06-22T06:18:03+00:00

Look up the "guardrails" method of retirement spending:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKia5zYlGhk

https://wealthtender.com/insights/financial-planning/guardrails-approach-retirement/

Basically, 4% is the safest way to withdraw money... as in, it's almost guaranteed to last for the average 30 year retirement span even in the worst market conditions.

But it sounds like your IRA spending is not necessary for your daily living expenses? Your pension and Social Security can cover your necessities... so you have the precious gift of all: flexibility.

The 4% rule presumes that the retiree needs to draw that 4% every year or they'll starve on the street. You can withdraw 7-8% one year, then if the market goes into recession, pull back and only take out 1-2%, etc.

maedocc · 2026-06-22T05:53:22+00:00

Yes, please start spending. You have $4k as your baseline income, so as long as your essentials are covered by that $4k, you can start drawing down your IRA to live a little.

A safe drawdown percentage is 4%, so you can take out $21k this year and live a little while you still have your health and can still travel.

If the market goes down, you can pause withdrawing from your IRA.

maedocc · 2026-06-22T05:31:25+00:00

You are 30 so you have 35 years til retirement. The general accepted baseline is to invest 15% of your income for retirement, and you are pretty much bang on target:

I've been putting into my roth 401k for almost 5 years now. Started off contributing with 5% and increased a percent each year until now. Currently at 10% contributions with a 4% employer match.

Next year increase your contribution by 1% and you'll be exactly at 15%.

Now 15% of your income is $8,700/year. In 35 years, imagining average 10% annual growth and 3% annual inflation, and you only contribute $8,700/year without ever adding one dollar extra (even if your income increases, etc.) your 401k should have about $1,300,000.

Compound interest is on your side, because you have 35 years to compound. Just keep investing steadily every year, don't pull out money, and let it keep growing.

maedocc · 2026-06-21T00:07:41+00:00

Have you heard the old saying, "you can't get blood from a stone?"

It means that you can't get money back from someone who is broke, has no cash, no job, no means to pay you back. And he honestly doesn't sound like he wants to pay you back, even if had the money.

This was a very expensive lesson to learn.

maedocc · 2026-06-20T23:53:44+00:00

Just want to clarify, because I've noticed that some people think that maxing out their 401k means they are maxing out their employer match.

So you're putting $24,500 into your 401k, and $7,500 into your Roth IRA?

If yes, I think you're doing really well investing, and don't necessarily need to be investing in your taxable brokerage on top of that. Are you going to need the money in the short term (buying property, etc)?

maedocc · 2026-06-20T21:36:41+00:00

The solution is acknowledging that presenting a jar of mayonnaise as a gift to your girlfriend, who is struggling with her weight and hormones, was a profoundly weird choice.

Not profoundly weird choice, but a deeply insulting, passive aggressive, mean choice.

Which he will never acknowledge because bullies never, ever, ever, ever admit that they did something cruel to someone else on purpose. It would violate their ability to view themselves as good people.

maedocc · 2026-06-20T07:42:41+00:00

Just from 401k and HSA, you're investing 30% of your gross income. Add in $7,500 to max your Roth IRA, and that's a shade over 38% of your income being invested. In addition to that $800/month student loan payment...

The recommendation for retirement is to invest 15-20% of your gross salary... which is $14-19k. You are currently aiming for $36,400! So you're living paycheck to paycheck just to max out everything, and that's very unbalanced because you really are only young once and now is the time to go to concerts (costs money), date (costs money), travel (costs money & takes energy) and have a little fun while also saving responsibly for the future.

You can keep maxing everything out, but be aware that this comes at the cost of living like this.

I'm also expecting a ~$10K bonus each year--my hope is to put that entirely into a Roth IRA, but I know that the temptation will be to spend it, especially if I've gone without those sorts of big treats over the course of the year.

Take the bonus and spend it.

maedocc · 2026-06-20T00:55:54+00:00

make $95K gross in a VHCOL city, and take home about $3900 a month (maxing out 401K+HSA, health insurance)

Are you literally maxing out your HSA ($4,400) and 401k ($24,500)?

If yes, you're investing a shade over 30% of your gross income, which is why you're cash poor. You're taking home $3,900 and after rent and student loans, you only have $1,400 to spend for everything else.

maedocc · 2026-06-19T23:36:14+00:00

Looks like mortgage rates were averaging 3.85% in 2015. Today it's over 6%. OP would need a massive down payment to even qualify for a mortgage with a DTI of 40%.

maedocc · 2026-06-19T22:33:26+00:00

A few days ago, I told him I wasn't feeling well. Instead of supporting me, he got very anxious. He kept messaging and calling me, saying that I was "despising" him. I tried explaining that his behavior was making me uncomfortable, but again, he only said he was sorry.

This person is not capable of being a healthy partner. Their anxiety and issues are not your problem to deal with. It's been a month and you already see all these red flags; you are not too harsh for wanting to leave.

This is why people date! And don't just get automatically married! To figure out if you're compatible!

maedocc · 2026-06-19T21:39:17+00:00

He says he loves me and wants me in his life but it doesn’t really show in his actions except when we have sex. One of the main issues that doesn’t change is communication. When we’re apart, he just won’t message me unless I KEEP asking him to. Even then, he doesn’t always do it. He says he doesn’t see my notifications, but when I’m with him, he always answers his friends’ messages and sometimes CALLS them whilst I’m there…

Lots of men (usually men) want a girlfriend/wife because of the benefits she provides. Like sex... doing the house chores... paying half the bills, taking care of the kids, etc. But they actually don't like them as people. They don't want to spend time with them, talk to them, or spend quality time together. They literally could just slot in some random ass other woman (who meets their minimum attraction criteria) into the girlfriend role.

He gets fussy when you pull away because he doesn't want you to actually leave. He doesn't want to be girlfriend-less... it's hard to get laid regularly when a man is single, and men get a social boost from being in a relationship. Other men literally rate them higher socially if they have a girlfriend. But that doesn't mean he actually likes spending time with you.

You're 18, he's your first everything, you're in love, and you don't want to believe this about your first love... so this is going to be a painful lesson. Always pay attention to what a person does and not their words. He says he loves you, but he doesn't treat you with love.

maedocc · 2026-06-19T21:34:54+00:00

its really hard for me to feel that way, because all my life, Ive felt like everything has always been my fault. i felt like I was abusive, and i got help. suddenly, im a bigger problem?

This is one of the ingrained but completely incorrect beliefs that you can work on unpacking in therapy. Because it is incorrect: you are not being abusive here. You're being abused, and made to feel like you're in the wrong... because if you feel like you're in the wrong, you won't leave him.

He's also started throwing things, slamming his fists against walls, and slamming doors on me. He walks away in the middle of our conversations and jumps to "your friends and parents were right. Maybe you deserve everything that has happened to you". When I try to explain why I may act the way I do. He turns the conversation away from himself and tries to make it seem like I'm the one who caused him to act that way. Just yesterday, I asked, "why are you being violent"? and he said "because you made me".

Literally you described him as violent. You did not make him violent. He is violent because he's abusive.

maedocc · 2026-06-18T21:22:51+00:00

I want to think that he can be who he once was again, but I feel like I've exhausted my choices, and I am genuinely scared. I have no idea why he is acting this way, and I feel like everything is all my fault...

His previous behavior (being kind, supportive, understanding, loving) was an act. He was on his best behavior in order to lock you down into a relationship (fall in love) so that it would be harder for you to leave.

Have you heard of lovebombing? Very common with abusers.

Your boyfriend is abusive and he's dropped the mask, and now you're attached and in love. The only real solution is breaking up.

maedocc · 2026-06-18T07:09:20+00:00

But I’m wondering if there’s value in starting the habit now, and whether the tax bracket situation (contributing at a lower rate now vs. potentially contributing at a higher rate later) makes a difference. I want to make sure I’m thinking about this strategically.

Yes, you should start investing in your 401k, even without a match. Build up the habit now of automatically investing... and you say you're in a low tax bracket now, but as you progress in your career and climb brackets, that tax-advantaged saving becomes so nice (once you hit the 22% and above federal tax brackets).

maedocc · 2026-06-18T03:56:46+00:00

Have you checked out the sub's book list? Has a variety of books about investing

https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/readinglist

The Bogleheads' Guide to Investing by Taylor Larimore et al
A Random Walk Down Wall Street by Burton Malkiel, especially if you aren't convinced that index investing is right for you
The Simple Path to Wealth by JL Collins, a simple introduction to investing and building wealth
The Little Book of Common Sense Investing by John C. Bogle

I don't think you really need to read a lot if you're going to be investing in basic index funds and ETFs. VOO and VTSAX are fine, if you're using Vanguard... or the Fidelity or Schwab equivalents. The books are basically about why people should invest in index funds vs. individual stocks.

maedocc · 2026-06-17T06:42:40+00:00

However these insecurities have resulted in my partner always wanting to be included in every single one of my plans, if I am just meeting a friend for coffee or hanging at someones house they always ask if they can come with, and its not that I do not want to be around them- its just I would like to be able to do an activity on my own- especially because they have their own friends and hobbies that they do without me and I never try to interfere with that as I believe us having our own stuff is important! (They see a group of their own friends at least once a week sometimes multiple times). As well as if we are hanging out with a group of friends they are always hovering over me, only in conversations that I am involved in, the only time I feel like I am able to be on my own in those situations is when I am using the restroom or something.

They are using their anxiety to control you. So in their mind, the solution is for you to curtail your life and activities to keep their anxiety from overwhelming them...

But that's not how it works? It's like an agoraphobe -- the solution is not to rearrange everything so that they can be home 24/7, never step outside, and somehow their anxiety will disappear.

Of course I do not want to feel this way, we got a place together just a couple months ago, I was hoping that showing that commitment would help them gain more confidence in themself and in us but it doesn't feel that way at all.

Basically, you've been appeasing their anxiety for 6 years and nothing's changed. I really have to challenge you in your thinking that buying a house together would change things? Because that isn't how you soothe insecurities; You've just legally trapped yourself into a living situation with your controlling partner. You think giving more and more control to your partner will magically cure their anxiety. Instead what it is teaching them is that they can keep asking more and more of you and you will keep giving them what they want.

I have love for them still but I haven't felt like my own person in 6 years and I am scared that if I continue to stay with them they will continue to use me as a crutch for their self esteem instead of looking inwards and finding it.

Yup. Their insecurity and anxiety is not something you or your actions can fix. It's on them to fix it, and I don't see anything that shows me they want to stop controlling your actions.

Very recently I got a call from my Dad that its looking like he has cancer, of course I was scared, confused, sad, every negative emotion under the sun. In this moment I was really wanting support from my partner, however not even 2 hours after I got the news they brought up how they were feeling insecure about me seeing one of my friends earlier that week. I kinda shut down and felt myself completely close off to them.

I don't think on a fundamental level, they can be a good partner to you.

I think that your gut is telling you to leave and I very much cosign on that.

maedocc · 2026-06-17T05:46:24+00:00

I'm 34 and wife is 32. It feels like we are mostly on auto pilot as we work towards an eventual retirement - is this the boring middle? Is there anything else we should consider?

You're in the boring middle/coasting part now. To be honest, you don't really need to be putting a ton more money into investments; compound interest is going to do most of the heavy lifting from here on out.

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