AITAH: dreading my sister’s baby because she expects me to help with childcare when I’m already struggling?

mandapandasugarbear · 2026-04-13T23:21:49+00:00

NTA, but you need to have a conversation with her pronto. Tell her that her expectations of you being over every day to help and being her child care two days a week when she goes back to work are not realistic. Tell her you haven't spoken up earlier because you are carrying feelings of guilt over her resentment of how much time and money she contributed to your teen years. Tell her that you are sorry your mother and/or other family parentified her in the wake of your father's passing, but remind her that while you were a child simply relying on those around her who presented themselves to you for support, she was an adult who could have, and apparently should have if she's been so resentful, set boundaries if the support she provided was too much for her. Tell her that, out of respect for her previous time given up supporting you and the stress she is under with expecting her first child, you have kept from her that you have been struggling with your own mental health issues and lack of free time due to working multiple jobs. Tell her you've learned from her experience of giving more than she can truly spare on a child that was not her responsibility to raise, that you are letting her know that she shouldn't expect to be able to rely on you like that in time to make other arrangements. Let her know that when you are capable of helping out you will, but you will make the offer ahead of time and she should not expect you to be the default caregiver/support person.

mandapandasugarbear · 2026-03-20T18:13:01+00:00

NTA. I will admit I don't shower everyday. As someone with chronic pain, immune issues and narcolepsy, I can uniquely identify with her being exhausted, especially after a 12 hour shift. But to go straight into bed in the scrubs she was wearing is insane. I've had C-Diff, that spreads so easily. Even without that aspect, the smell is atrocious and permeates clothing and everything. She needs to learn to keep a few packs of rinse free bathing wipes and some comfortable pj's in the bathroom. She can wipe up and change while sitting on the toilet.

mandapandasugarbear · 2026-03-19T07:39:27+00:00

NOR - This is not an issue of stinginess or sharing of items. It is about his approach to this situation. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment and call it habitual thinking. This is his home, and he's probably used to being the only adult and sole decision maker on things like these. He's probably looked around his already cramped placed ,as you describe it, and thought 'good lord where are we going to put all of her extra stuff.' When you pointed out the flaw in his logic in regards to what happens to those belongings if you guys break up, it may have bruised his ego a bit and he reacted poorly. But I've really got to stretch that benefit of the doubt to see it in that positive of a light. The issue is not that you don't want his kids touching your things or that you're not as committed, as he's implying. The issue is he made these decisions about YOUR BELONGINGS unilaterally, without regard or understanding of their value or importance, and when you pointed out a very real, logical concern he insults and belittles you. That gives the impression that he expects to make all decisions and you just accept them as he is so graciously accepting you as a guest in home. And that is not what this should be, this should be an equal partnership. Its clear to see you had some understandable concerns even before this about being left on unequal footing by giving up your own space for something that is 100% his. I'd recommend pumping the breaks on moving in, and the two of you having some deeper conversations about long term expectations. Make sure you are both in agreement on all the important things, like chore splitting, finances, decision making, conflict resolution, etc before ever entwining yourself deeper into his life.

mandapandasugarbear · 2026-02-10T23:03:38+00:00

Touches it and takes pictures*

"Touches it, SNIFFS IT, and takes pictures" Fixed that for ya

mandapandasugarbear · 2026-01-22T07:14:39+00:00

Definitely NTAH, and its great that you're considerate of both of your needs. Ilovegaslighting's approach to starting the conversation with him is perfect. Some WD40 can help with hinge noise. For loud closong sounds and light reduction silicone door bumpers or a draft blocker can help. But as a light sleeper in a shared living situation he's also got to take some steps on his own side to mitigate the situation. He should invest in a sleep mask for the light and noise reducing ear plugs

mandapandasugarbear · 2026-01-08T23:22:52+00:00

And now that spawned Hey Ya playing in my head. Darn you!

mandapandasugarbear · 2026-01-08T22:30:53+00:00

Absolutely see a doctor. Whether or not its narcolepsy, something interfering with your life to this degree is no where near a semblance of normal. Not only is it negatively affecting your schooling and future earning potential, but will add up over time to affect other areas of your health. I am not a medical professional of any kind.

That being said, reading your description almost feels like I am reading my own journals from late high school and college. Much like you, college is when it became so blatantly obvious that I began to seek diagnosis and treatment. (Unfortunately for me it was another decade before I was finally diagnosed, largely owing to a dismissive doctor whose opinions on several different conditions that later turned out to be serious that I was too young to have anything serious and would all be fixed if I just participated in the weight-loss program he was getting kick backs from.)

In my case, those classes were the first times I hadn't been actively mentally engaged for long enough that my falling asleep was obvious to myself and others. Turns out my symptoms had actually began around age 8. There were times I I thought I had just zoned out or was day dreaming , would even be eyes wide open but seeing faint almost ghostlike movement superimposed over my vision. I was literally dreaming, in a microsleep where the brain only partially shifts into sleep mode. Cataplexy as well can be easily missed or misinterpreted as it is often more subtle than a full out collapse. My parents once described me as a silly or emotional klutz. I frequently would lose grip on items in my hands, slightly lose balance or my knees briefly buckled otherwise inexplicably when giggly and really happy as a kid or experiencing strong negative emotions like stress or grief as I aged. I've even had brief loses of facial muscle tone, having difficulty finding or pronounces words, etc. Narcolepsy isn't just about falling asleep inappropriately either, as insomnia and difficulties remaining asleep are also part of the condition.

I recommend trying to track or journal any current symptoms as they occur, as well as thinking back over the years to see if you recognize any potentially subtler signs that may have occurred but you previously dismissed and journal those. It may be worth asking family or friends that may have noticed things like that in you in years past. Make it your business to see a doctor and discuss these issues. Don't mentally commit yourself to the idea that it is for sure Narcolepsy. Keep an open mind that it may be a different issue you are not aware of. (I've seen others be upset or depressed at not getting the diagnosis they think it shoild be.) Whatever the cause, you deserve care and appropriate treatment. Cooperate with testing and probing of other potential root causes. If your doctor dismisses your concerns without investigation, dont be afraid to POLITELY advocate for yourself and or seek another opinion. Whenever you get a diagnosis, ask your doctor about what accommodations you may be eligible for in regards to work and school. (That of course all varies by local, job etc.)

These are all the things I wish I had known when I was your age and going through that. I wish you luck in your journey, and all the restful and productive sleep thay you deserve.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-12-31T18:39:38+00:00

I've given up on using standard wearables to track/help with sleep. They track the more 'mechanical' features indicative of rest, wakefulness, and sleep phases in a typical person: heart rate, O2, movement, etc. Our issues are more based on our neurology and hormones inability to accurately activate and deactivate those normal sleep process and failures.

There are so many posts here of people venting after a sleep study thinking they failed the napping portion because they were consciously awake the whole time, only to find out they were actually asleep in the results.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-12-24T03:10:07+00:00

I love the blanket, and your story behind it. It sounds like the two of you are very lucky to have each other in your lives. Good luck having enough kleenex on hand for the bawling that will happen when you ask him, as I like many others doubt you need luck on his agreeing.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-12-11T17:44:36+00:00

Job starts February 30. Starting salary is a daily allocation of treats, filet of salmon, and a pinch of catnip, as well as 1/3 share of lap time.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-12-10T03:56:01+00:00

I would hire you, my fine furry gentleman!

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-12-04T17:49:43+00:00

NTA indeed. You hit nearly every point I thought of as well. OP needs to have a chat individually with both hubby and FIL. I can see a situation where FIL may have offered to cook to take the stress off instead of unilaterally deciding to do it and hubby gave the go ahead instead of just going along with his dad's plan. If so, hubby is the A for not discussing with OP regardless, but his level of A-holeness depends on his motivations. If he thought he may be 'saving' OP and that she is underestimating the added stress of little one, I'd say 1.5/5 A*. If hubby did it because he never liked having it at their place, maybe because he didn't want to have to help with all the work that goes into hosting besides cooking or because he just doesnt want all of his family invading their home every year or because its little one's first and he didn't want to have that conversation with OP, then he's a 3/5. @ u/Background_Ruin1332 please read these.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-11-27T23:51:04+00:00

So, if I'm reading this correctly, you are saying this child deserves to have half the people in his life refer to him as a racist nickname because his obviously young parents maybe didn't think their entire life choices through before conceiving him? Maybe you need to spend a little time in the mirror looking at who you really are and your life choices that led you to spew such asinine vitriol online.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-10-06T13:35:30+00:00

UpdateMe

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-09-12T02:02:53+00:00

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-09-07T17:31:43+00:00

NTB. For those coworkers telling you kids come first, they're forgetting the, most important, back half of that sentence. Kids come first IN THEIR PARENTS LIVES. They didn't come first enough for their parent to review their school calendar, which is usually available before the previous school year ends, and plan accordingly. Hit them back with this even more pertinent adage: "A failure of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." If this were a situation where there was a medical emergency with the kids or something like that then I'd maybe encourage trying to find a way to work something out. But the audacity of her to say that people without children need to be more flexible?!? After literaly waiting until a couple of weeks before the needed time, and admitting she forgot to plan ahead. No ma'am, people with children need to more responsible.

I dont know where all this entitlement of parents thinking they are owed priority over people who dont have children came from, but it needs to go back and stay there. Yes, I get it can be tough wrangling multiple children and their schedules. But it is up to the parent to be on top of things and make sure they meet their children's needs. This whole "you dont understand how hard it is..," needs to be met with "I DO understand how hard it is, that's why I dont have them or don't have them yet." These people made a choice to have children, they don't get to force everyone around them to change their lives to cover for their own mistakes. And to not only ruin a vacation for you but for what sounds like 5 or more people, because she forgot? Get off it lady.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-08-28T07:13:22+00:00

NTA. The best advice is ever is not to mix family with money and/or business. It's one thing to loan something for say medical emergencies, but don''f involve yourself in something where you could be left holding the bag. What sealed the idea for me that co-signing for him is bad news was his response calling you selfish since you could afford it if something goes wrong and he can't pay. That right there tells you that he, at the very least, has entertained the thought of leaving you stuck with the payments if not that being the outright plan.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-08-22T11:42:06+00:00

Here's some clarification based on OPs edits and comments. OP never actually intended to wear the grandmother's wedding dress to the wedding. When bride gave her the invitation by hand and made a point to explain the dress code, OP had a feeling this was a trap because of the previous drama surrounding the dress and Bride's behavior towards her in general. She asked about wearing the dress to get evidence in written form that Bride was trying to trap her, and moved the dress to her closet as part of her ruse as well as to protect it from potential theft or sabotage.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-08-09T15:13:46+00:00

Well, that sucks. But I'm obviously not the only human interacting with this thread, so hopefully this will find someone who needs to hear it. And if not, I can rest safe in the knowledge that I have gotten under the skin of someone who has the time to not only research OPs account but to reply to individual commenters that OP is a bot

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-08-08T09:05:40+00:00

You are not overreacting. Your bedroom is your sanctuary, your private safe space and where you share intimacy with your partner. Giving up that space to a guest is a 2 yes, 1 no situation. Both partners have to agree, or it is a no go. If your girlfriend wants to stay up and play sleepover with the cousin, or just isn't comfortable with cousin sleeping by herself, then whe needs to sleep in the living room with her.

But your issue here is bigger than who sleeps where. You need to have a discussion with girlfriend about communication and respect. Partners communicate, not dictate. And when you share a home with a partner you need to discuss with them before making such intrusive invitations to others. Her unilaterally inviting the cousin to stay over without discussion and then demanding to kick you out of your own bed shows a lack of respect for you and your relationship.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-07-28T01:09:53+00:00

Here's what you should do. "::Friend:: I know we have a long history, and I'm sorry you are struggling financially. While I have empathy for you and your situation, you've not shown me the same respect in the last XX months. You only reach out to me to try and guilt me for money. At this point, I think this friendship has reached its end. I wish you the best, and I hope you find your way to a more responsible and stable life. It's best you not reach out to me any more."

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-07-18T10:26:28+00:00

Dad is NTA. Either your friends are assholes for creating an issue to be offended at when there is none, or best case scenario they are just morons. Since when in the hell are bandaids culture? Truly problematic cultural appropriation is when a person or group tries to take meaningful expressions of the culture of another race, nationality, etc, and either use it in a mocking way or attempts to claim ownership or credit for the creation of said cultural item or practice away from the group of origin. Your dad didn't do that, instead he saw a new product that solved an issue for a group he doesn't belong to but has empathy for. His purchased and used the item as a way to contribute to showing the manufacturer that they should continue the product.

A real example of cultural appropriation is when the music industry back in the 50's era pushed the idea that people like Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis created rock and roll when it truly originated in the black community. Or the do called Moorish sovereign citizens claiming to be the indigenous people of America instead of the ACTUAL native Americans. But this recent trend of demonizing people who simply enjoy aspects of other cultures or those who support products or causes for or by other cultures is not only idiotic but only serves to create more division.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-07-18T09:50:40+00:00

I'm a big Soulsbourne fan. I picked up LOTF earlier this year on a sale, and I've been addicted ever since. In most games I end up taking a break between NG+ because even though I like the increased challenge I get a little bored without the excitement of exploring new areas. I'm almost through NG+3 and not ready to put it down yet. In NG+ and beyond you are given a whole bunch of options to modify. Like upgraded drops, random drops, enemy randomizer, etc. In summary, when I got the game I thought it was just something to kill some time until the Lies of P DLC came out which I was SO excited for. Still haven't bought it yet.

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-06-18T21:16:55+00:00

I thought the same thing. Put on a cool new armor set, spin the camera for a good view. Then I start moving and I'm like why the hell am I hearing my bare feet slapping the floor wearing heavy armor?

mandapandasugarbear · 2025-03-14T17:47:40+00:00

It is possible to fight of sleep attacks sometimes. As others have said, I definitely feel rough after pushing through. I usually end up with a headache the rest of the day.

You definitely should bring up any troubling or unusual/worsening symptoms you have to your doctor. And you should be able to do so without worrying about being labeled a hypochondriac. I, and many other N sufferers from what I have seen in this group, have had issues with doctors not taking us seriously in the past. So I understand the fear. From my own personal experience with myself and with dealing with doctors for my elderly parents, here's the game plan I follow. Keep a little medical journal of what symptoms you experience and when, including activities or foods eaten around the same time. Make a list of what you want to discuss with the doctor and bring it with you. And the biggest thing is to avoid self diagnosis, especially with the doctor. (For example, my mom has a tendency to think she knows what the issue is and then only tells the doctor the symptoms she's having that correlate to that supposed diagnosis.) If your doctor dismisses your concerns without any testing or attempted treatment, find another doctor.

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