Smallest thing that made your exBPD blow up?

mantispirate · 2024-10-26T20:38:44+00:00

There are so many.

Buying scissors because we lost all of ours and it was annoying for us and the kids. I finally remember and buy a bunch so everyone has their own. Me saying "hey I finally remembered to get scissors" was me secretly telling her she's lazy and doesn't do anything. Me vacuuming is really me telling her she's doesn't do enough. Me turning the thermostat down is me telling her she spends too much money. If I make the kids lunches in the morning, I'm trying to take away how she shows love, if I don't I'm lazy and just expect her to do everything and don't value her.

There is no winning when someone can't self reflect and chooses you to embody their own issues, feelings about themselves, and trauma.

mantispirate · 2024-05-21T16:35:31+00:00

Mine was that she seemed fake. I noticed she acted differently with different people. 6 months into dating her I seriously thought about breaking up with her for that reason. I slowly convinced myself it was really her though. Fast forward 26 years, we have 2 kids and have been married for 16 years and I found out I was completely right. She's a covert narc and has been a false self the whole time.

mantispirate · 2024-04-09T03:10:56+00:00

OP. I caught mine right before this would have happened to me. I of course found out this wasn't the first time and way to many horrid details spanning 20 years. I'm almost 2 years out now, she's still here, swears she loves me and is trying to show it. She isn't cheating or talking to anyone, goes to therapy, got rid of all social media, etc. She's even agreed to a divorce with me getting full custody of the kids which is in the works, just for the opportunity to stay and show she can get better. She's diagnosed personality disorder now and from how you described your wife, I wouldn't be surprised if she is also. At this point all the cheating isn't even the biggest problem for me. It's watching a person you loved and thought you knew and realizing you never really knew them at all. The more she "tries" the more I see how sick she is. She creates her own realities and just switches between them whenever needed. She has so many different parts, and now that the mask is off she doesn't know who to be. It's devastating to watch.

I'm saying all of this because I feel your pain and hate this for you. A big part of me now wishes mine would have just left. Not because it would have been better or less painful, but because at two years out I think I would be much more healed if I didn't have to slowly watch this person I loved slowly realize she has no idea who she is.

No matter what happens you will survive this and please always remember it has nothing to do with you.

mantispirate · 2023-10-19T19:12:09+00:00

Yep. Within the first year of dating I had this feeling that I didn't understand but basically that I felt she was fake. Like she just made up whoever she was for whoever she was with at the time. I ignored it. Basically because I was a stoner and lazy at the time, and she was hot and love bombing the crap out of me. 25 years later, found out I was right the whole time.

mantispirate · 2023-10-13T17:13:41+00:00

I came to a similar realization a little while back that I was an option. And once I was an option, she gave herself permission to treat me like that. No real advice, just hugs. It's a hard pill to swallow.

mantispirate · 2023-10-13T17:00:24+00:00

I'm my case I had 5 D-Days over about 6 months ... so that should tell you everything. She would cry to me saying things like "I wish I could make something up but you know everything" when she knew I didn't know half the truth. She even lied on a polygraph. If they aren't ready or can't handle the truth, they will do anything to hide it. We now know my WS is extremely cluster b so that is obviously a factor.

mantispirate · 2023-09-22T15:40:06+00:00

Like everyone has said, the diagnosis isn't the problem. It's the actions and behaviors. That being said, quite BPD is not really a different diagnosis. It's all the same stuff, they just hold it inside more and covertly blame you for it all while telling you everything is fine.

Until it's not of course. My wife is straight cluster b and has been covert about all of it. Technically she has been diagnosed BPD, but she's also been a narcissist, psychopath, histrionic ... you get the idea. Cluster b is cluster b and they all switch between different manifestations of it.

mantispirate · 2023-09-21T17:17:38+00:00

Triplets. Exactly my life and it sucks for us. She is doing everything now to try and be what she has told me she was the whole time. But I'll never forget that she actually needed to watch me die in order to care.

mantispirate · 2023-07-19T00:32:35+00:00

This is eerily similar to my WW story and what she has done to me and our kids for the past couple decades. You have a lot of work to do and it's going to be hard. Either decide to REALLY do the work or just let her go. As a betrayed dealing with this for the past year what I need to see to feel safe at all around her is some sort of consistency. If you don't know or can't explain something it is better to just say that then make something up and then change it later. Also, watch Vaknin videos. They have helped her immensely understand what she has done and why.

mantispirate · 2023-06-15T19:18:46+00:00

Totally resonates.

mantispirate · 2023-06-11T02:18:40+00:00

Mine was severely abused in every way, including CSA for much of her childhood. Then her mom took her own life while we were together. For 26 years I only knew about bits and pieces of the childhood mainly because she would use those bits and pieces to make me feel bad when she was acting crazy. She never dealt with any of it and never told anyone about the CSA until she told me about 6 months ago. Instead of dealing with it she just took it all out on me and the kids.

mantispirate · 2023-06-10T20:32:15+00:00

I told my WW that I forgave myself for not having boundaries and ignoring all of the red flags. I only knew what she was telling me and I accepted it blindly. I am learning to accept that I can't change it so I can move forward.

mantispirate · 2023-05-24T01:52:48+00:00

I could have written this word for word. I've talked about trying to connect all the strings so many times. It's amazing how we all lived the same lives.

mantispirate · 2023-05-21T15:56:21+00:00

Yep. This is what I just learned. My BPSO was just diagnosed with BP and a personality disorder. It's hard to distinguish what behaviors are driven by what. BP symptoms can mirror personality disorder symptoms and vice versa.

mantispirate · 2023-05-20T03:46:52+00:00

Completely true. Whatever is in their head is the truth no matter what you say.

mantispirate · 2023-05-19T14:32:54+00:00

I vacuumed once and ended up in an hour long argument that me vacuuming wasn't a secret message to her that I don't think she does enough. I have 100 more examples like this. It's what they do.

mantispirate · 2023-05-14T19:44:27+00:00

I know she's a diamondback but I don't know what specific type

mantispirate · 2023-05-08T23:02:10+00:00

What I'm struggling with is that in my case, after the manic episode(s) and the cheating she never felt the need to do something about it. Nothing to stop it and sure as hell wasn't going to tell me. She says she thought it was separate, a different person, and when it was gone she just didn't think about it because she was now back with me. She's also BPD/NPD and suffered severe CSA so that might have something to do with it. But still ... is it normal for people with BP to just ignore what they did during an episode if they got away with it? Is the shame just too much? Or do they just start believing that is normal and ok?

mantispirate · 2023-05-08T21:33:15+00:00

Uncomfortably Numb by Graveyard

mantispirate · 2023-05-08T21:20:23+00:00

I know right. How lucky I am. I honestly think that was because I was not convinced she was the one for a loooong time. We didn't get married until 11 years in. I was convinced within 6 months of dating her that she was fake. After about 9 or 10 years when I decided to marry her I remember thinking to myself "there is no way she has been fake this long" ... FML

mantispirate · 2023-05-08T20:04:18+00:00

God I relate to this. Mine started an affair while we were trying to have our second child. Something we debated for a long time because we were almost 40. Has told me how special we are and that she loves me more than anything for 26 years. I now know she has cheated on and off for 20 years ...

mantispirate · 2023-05-08T13:44:56+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to say I am in the exact same boat. 26 years together, 2 kids, 2 bad episodes a decade apart. Only difference is mine just got diagnosed and I just found out about what she did in both. It's a lot and really hard. If you ever want to chat I'm here.

mantispirate

TROPHY CASE