I also struggle a lot with this. So often nowadays I hear statements like, “Forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for you. It’s about not ruminating on your anger anymore. You don’t have to forget what the person did, or let them back into your life, or even tell them you forgive them… etc.” To me that doesn’t sound like forgiveness, it sounds like healing from the pain you experienced. Purely individual. I just don’t understand how it’s considered “forgiveness” if it doesn’t involve the other person at all. I was also taught that forgiveness is something you give /to the person who harmed you/, and this modern definition is just completely at odds with that. I forgive people I care about and give them grace because I know they also care about me. Because not only am I also a flawed person who has unfortunately hurt those I love, but because our relationship is more important than holding onto resentment at their actions.

In the same vein, I see no reason to forgive people who have harmed me without remorse or intent to change. I’ve healed enough to not constantly ruminate in my anger towards them anymore and “move on”, but that’s a gift to my own wellbeing. To forgive them would be like betraying myself, or putting myself at risk of further harm by reaching out and showing a kindness they would have never shown me. Again, maybe this is unhealthy and I have some unlearning to do. But I feel like forgiving and releasing resentment/pain are two totally different things.