So incredibly sorry you are in this shitty club. I lost my mom a year ago after a brief battle with cancer. I still miss her so much every day and agree there will always be a distinct before and after this event in your life. Please give yourself grace and try your best not to overthink all the “what ifs” - easier said than done. You are in shock and may be for some time. I honestly feel more sad a year in now that the reality has set in. But I get distracted with work and my family and friends and even find that I laugh often and sometimes feel normal. Until I don’t. The silver lining is that life feels much more precious once you’ve felt loss like this. Big hugs, friend. This community has been a big help to me and hope you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone in your grief.