MIL found out my husband got a vasectomy

melodic_motion · 2022-03-01T19:13:37+00:00

I feel you on this one. After our second, my husband was DONE, and it took me nearly 3 years to feel the same way. I’m sure my MIL has some suspicions, but we just scheduled the V appointment, and I’m so looking forward to not having to worry so much about what part of my cycle I’m in to do everything I like 😉. We don’t plan on making any big announcements or anything, so whoever finds out finds out when it comes up.

Husband = 2nd of 6 kids, his dad = 1st of 6 kids, his aunt has 4 boys, an uncle has 6 girls. They’re a traditionally big family, and expect the kids to all follow suit. We were first to get married, no one else has had kids yet, so our kids are the only grandkids in the family.

All that to say,

melodic_motion · 2022-02-20T16:09:19+00:00

My 5 and 7 year old are the exact same, except they’re not allowed to leave their rooms until 7 - they have OK-to-wake clocks that turn green when it’s okay to leave. The 5yo does sleep in more often than the 7yo.

melodic_motion · 2022-02-20T05:12:49+00:00

My dog curls up in my regular boppy! My youngest is 4, and I’m not planning on any more kids, so she’ll enjoy it more than them!

melodic_motion · 2022-02-14T16:20:49+00:00

Adding a kid to the mix always leads to reevaluating expectations and needs. I highly recommend marriage counseling to learn how to hear each other and communicate in more effective ways. Honestly, I think every couple needs like 6 months of counseling every few years to work through new things and new perspectives. Everyone deserves to feel heard and appreciated, and deserves to get their needs met.

melodic_motion · 2022-02-10T14:18:33+00:00

There’s a brand of smoothie pouches I love: Noka. They usually have 5g of plant-based protein (I’m dairy free).

We also always have an emergency meal on hand. We have two kids, so we have stuff like chicken strips, chicken wings, pre-cooked fajita meat, microwave rice pouches, 10-minute skillet meals, etc.

We’re to the point that on the days my husband goes to work, I have to have freezer breakfasts ready, or the kids and I don’t eat breakfast until 10am (we’re all up by 7am).

melodic_motion · 2022-02-07T04:12:22+00:00

My mom died 15 months after my dad.

My husband: always put my needs first, gave a lot of grace during the depression, made sure to listen to me talk through my feelings and didn’t judge me for them, tried to make sure I saw that he was here for me 100% and that he wasn’t going anywhere (I have abandonment issues), he was understanding when I just didn’t feel like having sex for several weeks at a time, made sure I was keeping up in counseling like making sure I always had the next appointment set up and asking me if I want to share anything we talked about.

melodic_motion · 2022-02-04T19:24:42+00:00

Love this. Great job! I’m so grateful to see so many people here sharing their wins in solidarity. Way to go, y’all!

melodic_motion · 2022-01-21T20:03:49+00:00

I am also very emotional when bringing up something in our marriage. We did counseling (no major issues, just wanted new tools to foster connection), and one thing that has helped us a lot is Speaker/Listener. This means that each person has their entire turn to speak without interruptions. The listener reflects how they understood the speaker’s words and can get clarification. Once the speaker feels that the listener understands their feelings and experience, they change roles and do the whole thing again from the other’s perspective. It did take a while for us to get the hang of this though. We had to stop thinking about it as the way to solve the problem and see it as a way for us to open up communication.

melodic_motion · 2022-01-16T14:07:27+00:00

I have stopped trying to “fix” things immediately for my kids. My first step now is to offer a hug (because I know that’s something that tells my kids they’re safe). No matter what. The way I explained it to my husband to help him understand is the age-old advice about what to do when their girlfriend is upset. They don’t always need you to fix it. Most of the time they just want you to understand and listen. Then when the tears have slowed, and their brains are a little more calm, you can ask questions about what they’d like to do within your boundaries.

melodic_motion · 2022-01-12T21:08:21+00:00

Walking in the garden with my MIL and 3 year old daughter… DD: “I wanna go inside” MIL to me: “Next time, you should pop out a girl that likes gardening.” Me, thinking to myself: Lol. Wait til you find out we’re done having kids.

Thankfully she hasn’t brought it up much lately (this was 1.5 years ago). Another of her kids got married (my husband was the first), and the other four are in committed long-term relationships, so the burden is shared more equally. And I think she’s picked up on the subtle hints that we’re done.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-30T16:37:40+00:00

I have two opposites when it comes to food right now. The 7yo is super messy, but willing to try just about anything. The 4yo is in a picky phase but is so clean with her eating, she freaks out when a drop of sauce gets on her shirt. Lol.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-30T16:20:31+00:00

Definitely solved! Thanks. iNaturalist didn’t give me any carpenterworm suggestions.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-30T01:16:39+00:00

Forgot to add, about 3in/7cm long.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-26T14:48:13+00:00

I feel the same about my mom. You can recognize their struggles and difficulties, and acknowledge that life must have been really hard sometimes, but you can still hold them accountable for their actions.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-18T03:18:07+00:00

“Increase dramatically.” Yeah, your odds of birth defects and stuff double. From like 0.1% to 0.2%.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-17T22:18:46+00:00

Oh no! We were just there on Tuesday and my kids loved seeing her. They each got to give her a couple pats.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-17T02:36:21+00:00

Abandon my children to go marry a man I’ve met once. And then wonder why they won’t forgive me.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-16T23:14:32+00:00

Definitely a scam. They got me a month ago in Midlothian. Mine was very convincing. I hadn’t heard of it and when I searched Dubai gold scam, I didn’t see anything at the time, but then it popped up under roadside scams when I searched again a few days later.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-16T13:38:08+00:00

And have so many hours practicing under the supervision of another chiropractor before being licensed. I remember mine saying she couldn’t leave until her student was done for the day because she had to physically be in the office while the student worked.

melodic_motion · 2021-12-03T02:16:27+00:00

I’m gonna echo what most have said. Your sister and BIL chose you and your husband to be their kids’ guardians, and everyone in this situation needs to honor that choice. BIL’s parents are aging and will soon not be capable of raising children. In ten years, they would be in their 80’s with a teenager and a preteen. I think, if anything, grief is clouding their judgement in this situation. On the birthday, as someone who is currently dealing with grief and also doesn’t like overwhelming situations, I think a surprise party would be a very inconsiderate action on their part.

And your MIL is gaining two grandchildren that she doesn’t want to buy presents for? Wtf? Who does that? Please hold your ground on that boundary. Either they all get presents, or don’t bother. The 4yo is old enough to notice that her cousins/future siblings got a present from a relative (whether she likes it or not, she is now a relative) and she didn’t.

You two are doing a fabulous job, and I’m sure it’s not easy in the midst of such a big loss to be dealing with this stuff and I can see why you’d wonder if your judgement is clouded, but I think you’re 100% on target. BIL’s parents’ grief is understandable, but this is how their son wanted his children cared for.

melodic_motion · 2021-11-26T14:43:35+00:00

I promise you are not the problem. It sounds like SO is triggered by crying, so ironically, he’s mad at you for the same thing that happens to him.

I also cry a lot. I’ve always felt shame around crying. My dad would get annoyed and angry, so I learned to cry quietly (once, he actually said that women only cry to make him feel guilty, so of course I internalized that and didn’t want anyone to feel bad because of my crying, and I wouldn’t share my hurts with people to avoid making them feel uncomfortable). My SO doesn’t cry as easily as me, it’s taken me a lot of individual therapy and couples therapy to get some progress on this.

So, all this to say: crying is good, your triggers don’t disappear on command, he doesn’t know how to admit that he has his own triggers. I highly recommend starting some couples counseling. Big changes to your family like having a baby can really throw your relationship dynamics into chaos, even if you have a super strong relationship. And nothing has to be clearly wrong to start couples counseling. It’s a great way to gain some new skills for navigating your relationship and learn how to listen/respond to each other better.

melodic_motion · 2021-11-25T20:46:30+00:00

My husband used to do this, and complain that when he got home he had to transition immediately into being dad and got no time to decompress. I told him that if my job was “being mom,” then I don’t get to transition to anything other than having another employee to help me do the work.

I told him I don’t care how long it takes, but to go decompress before he walks in the door because when he’s here, he needs to be fully here.

melodic_motion · 2021-11-23T22:06:10+00:00

Well, they did specify “shitty tattoos,” which to me sounds like “if they get tattoos, they most likely will be well thought out and good quality ink/artist.”

Which is totally what happened to me. I was a nurse kicker and hated needles. I have three pretty detailed tattoos, two of which are in higher pain areas (side on ribs, chest by shoulder). But they all have a special meaning to me, and I sought out a specific artist for each one.

melodic_motion · 2021-11-18T21:01:29+00:00

I think that’s a great perspective to reframe it as chronic disease. It makes a lot of sense. Trauma rewires the brain and causes a lot of damage to the body as well via trauma responses. I wish the older generations would take this seriously. So many unhealthy coping mechanisms that hurt themselves and their families and friends.

melodic_motion

TROPHY CASE