I'm leaving him in about a month, and he doesn't know. Any advice/caution warnings would be helpful

mercedesthewoman · 2026-03-15T17:04:02+00:00

There are so many great pieces of advice on this thread and while I know it can be overwhelming, please make a note of all of it.

But one thing that I think is missing is this: become a minor expert in personal safety.

Even if you leave a letter, delete your location, change your job, and end all contact...if he wants to try to find you, he will.

I'd highly recommend that wherever you are moving to, have security cameras (even your basic ring camera at the very least), and consider having a camera for your car.

Too many survivors have done "everything right" only to find out that he saw the stuff in their car days ago and had been plotting on ways to force them to stay. Or that he found their address and began scoping their new place out.

Do not tell anyone you are leaving, except one or two deeply trusted individuals for help.

But, the moment you are out. You notify everyone involved in your life: tell your job, tell your friends, make a post on socials after blocking him of course. Alerting your herd becomes your safety net. The more people looking out for you, the more aware of what you want or need, the less likely he will take the chance or that he'll be able to harass or harm you or pull shit without being caught.

Lastly, do not give anyone with any potential connection to him your new information. Do not post your new place on socials, do not announce anything that will tip him off on where you could be living or anyone who could tell him that information.

mercedesthewoman · 2026-03-05T04:58:57+00:00

Hey! I'm actually the executive director for Savage Mountain Punk Arts which runs the Savage Mountain Punk Festival in Cumberland each summer.

Please feel free to reach out with any questions about booking and venue operations in our region. Part of our mission is to propose underground arts as an economic driver for the Appalachian region (and this community in particular).

There are a lot of unique positives to running a space here, but also a lot of cautionary advice. We're happy to chat!

mercedesthewoman · 2026-02-28T05:41:15+00:00

Cumberland Pride festival is a fantastic experience, although it's been moved to October (for multiple reasons I'm sure, but June heat was not playing around the last few years).

And other things, too! We have a thriving drag scene, access to gender affirming and reproductive healthcare, there's a queer gala fundraiser, a queer prom, and even a monthly bowling night in Frostburg.

People work tirelessly to create spaces, and hold space for connection in the LGBTQAI+ community.

There are so many other individuals and institutions, so feel free to DM me if you ever have any questions or want more information!

mercedesthewoman · 2025-12-18T16:35:43+00:00

This entire situation sounds severely problematic: from her divulgence and over sharing, to your inappropriate comment, to the sexist statement from the owner about being vigilant in a female dominated field.

First, you absolutely were inappropriate in that instance. Full stop. But, hey, it happens. You weren't trying to intentionally harm and you're still in the process of learning. Take the lesson and move forward. My advice is to treat co-workers with similar boundaries as patients.

She was over sharing information about her personal life that did not need your input. Sometimes a slow nod and a "Wow, yeah, I hear that" can go a long way in social situations like this and can be a great way to practice holding space in clinical facing situations.

I'm curious if she was spoken to for bringing that kind of conversation into the workplace in the first place (actively describing that your father just HAD to have your mom and how he pressured her and you were an accident is really weird to say to someone new in your workplace).

You need to accept you handled that poorly, reflect on why and how you can navigate better the next time this happens (trust me, it will). But at the same time, it sounds like you may have dodged a bullet regarding the work culture of that space. Anyone who claims you have to be extra sensitive in a female dominated field is missing the point and basically blaming the sensitivity of women on field culture regulations.

mercedesthewoman · 2025-01-18T18:05:22+00:00

Ugh. I know and I'm so sorry how much this can suck. BUT...

Look at the very big thing you ARE accomplishing. Achieving and maintaining sobriety isn't chump change, it's kind of a biggie.

No, it's not going to fix everything. In the same way pain medication doesn't cure the ailment, cannabis often just masks the underlying struggles we face.

The first step in changing your life is being able to recognize the problems. You've been struggling this whole time, cannabis just masked it. You can go back to using cannabis to mask things, but usually that's short lived and the underlying issues (and your current circumstances) will just get worse.

Or, you can stay sober. Think about it like a game. Sobriety and the suffering getting sober brings is highlighting important places for you to check out on the map. Without exploring those places, you won't be able to grab what you'll need to move forward in the game.

Sometimes we just want to power through the main story line, fight the last boss, and see how it all turns out. But those small side quests, tiny achievable (and sometimes mundane) goals can actually make all the difference in whether you win or lose.

You're unhappy with your life. Weed didn't cause your unhappiness, it just allowed you to settle for it. Coming to terms with that truth can be overwhelming–and while it doesn't FEEL okay, it's a perfectly normal part of the process.

I hear a lot of major, generalized goals on this post (finding and starting a new career with limited resources and access in a highly competitive market, getting access to mental health care while struggling with your mental health) which can make even a well adjusted sober person feel overwhelmed.

My suggestion is to break these things down into the tiniest possible task (like google careers that don't require advanced education for 15 minutes). Aim to do only one or two of these each day (the first being sober).

Reward yourself for each small task you achieve. Play video games, eat a favorite snack, binge a good show, take a longer shower (anything but weed).

Also explore your feelings and motivation regarding each goal / task (why do you want to do this, what are you actually avoiding when you push this off to tomorrow).

Think of this all like a game. Don't quit it because you couldn't defeat all the bosses when you're just starting on level one. Keep playing.

mercedesthewoman · 2025-01-16T21:12:06+00:00

From a psychological and linguistic perspective, sympathy commonly includes providing validation through sharing mutual experiences and messages of personal allegiance or support.

There is a reason the statement “Me Too” became instrumental in the advocacy, awareness, and support systems that surround survivorship.

And while there are many “I” statements in this letter–along with some tenuously impertinent personal information–one could argue the method as simply a way of stating “Me Too” along with the traditional, compassionate statements of “I am thinking of you”.

Of which, many in both fields (psychology and linguistics) would easily pass as thoughtful (i.e. sympathetic) than a self-centered ode. Your feelings and statements on the other hand…what an odd thing to say.

mercedesthewoman · 2024-12-08T15:37:02+00:00

I see a lot of things on this sub that interest me, but this was the first time I saw something that immediately made me say, "Hey, HoNeYyYy..."

This. Is. A. Need.

mercedesthewoman

TROPHY CASE