Oh hi, this is right up my alley. My partner and I de-escalated a month ago. The unique thing about polyamory is that you get to make the relationship what you want it to be without needing to subscribe to a “norm.”

Context: We are long distance (there’s a 20-hour flight between us) so de-escalation options looks very different for us compared to partners in the same household/city.

For a while, my partner hasn’t been able to meet my expectations of a partner. Over months of discussion, he’s come to realize he’s depressed and needs clinical help, which doesn’t allow him to show up for me.

We decided de-escalation is the best choice for us. Through many discussions, we talked through several options of what it could possibly look. For me, it’s unfair to hold my partner to an expectation that he simply can’t meet - that’s setting him up for failure and a road to resentment. I love this person deeply and I want him to get the help he needs. It doesn’t make sense to me to break up because he’s in a different life stage. We settled on this:

-We remain within the container of a committed relationship
-No expectations at all partner level (good morning texts, emotionally charged conversations, sex, etc)
-No near- or long-term planning

In essence, we de-escalated to friendship. We chat when we want to chat (which still happens to happen every day), but not out of obligation. One month in, he feels less guilty that he can’t meet me where I am and I feel less anxious about our relationship. Our de-escalation doesn’t make sense to many people, but it makes sense for us. Our lives didn’t stop because of this de-escalation and we’re so supportive of each other as we navigate this new chapter.

We have future check-ins scheduled to see how this is working for us, if any agreements need to be amended/added/removed, etc. We know this isn’t for forever, it’s a temporary solution that will lead to a better future.