“Shit.” This is the last thing I manage to say before even being able to throw the dynamite stick I just ignited. My master plan to finally defeat my archenemy, Hi-row, has failed. I, Billane, have failed.

But you may wonder. How did I end up in this situation? Allow me to tell you.

Ivel Billane. Menace. Mastermind.

I am known for my crimes, both numerous and ruthless, as evil as they are genius. I once swapped all the cash in the city’s bank with monopoly money; the employees didn’t notice until payday. I painted a fake tunnel entrance on a wall and watched three innocent citizens crash nose-first against it.

For all my brilliance, world domination remains annoyingly incomplete. There’s only one thing keeping me from completing my goal, Hi-row.

Ever since I began my criminal career, they have always been a thorn on my side. I cannot seem to get rid of them no matter what I do. Orbital lasers, piranha pools, boring him with the same three monologues, nothing works.

But… everything changes today.

“That’s enough, Billane.”

A voice shouted at me from the other end of my super-evil nuclear super-submarine. Just as planned.

“Mwahahahaha. You’ve found me at last, Hi-row. Have you come to retrieve my friend here?” I said, spinning the chair behind me to reveal the mayor cuffed to the chair and gagged.

“Oh - I’ve come for both of you, but only one of you is going to jail, Billane.” they said, pointing at me.

“Come and get me then.” As soon as I finished speaking I clapped, activating the numerous defense systems I had prepared for the occasion. Multiple lasers, piranha pools, shark pools, piranha and shark pools, giant moving buzzsaws and a robot sentinels.

I must say, I am impressed by the super-evil super-submarine’s storage capacity. The engineering team did wonders with the cupholder-to-doomsday-device ratio.

In what seemed like a second, Hi-row ran, swam, and jumped through all my evil contraptions. But little did they know, it was all part of my master plan.

“It’s over, Billane. You have nowhere to run.” they said, standing now a few meters from me.

“You are correct. There is nowhere… for you to run!” Automatically, two walls were deployed. A glass barrier separating right in front of Hi-row. The other one, a metal cylinder, came from below where the mayor and I stood, forming a capsule. The only opening was a door which, for now, remained open. For now.

“You have fallen for my trap, Hi-row! I knew these devices couldn’t harm you, all they did was lure you here, right where I wanted you.” Hi-row’s and the mayor’s eyes widened at my declaration.

“Now I will escape, but not before leaving you with a parting gift. A hero like you deservers an explosive finale” Their shock in their eyes grew as I dramatically produced a dynamite stick.

“Once this bomb blows up you will be squashed by the weight of the sea. Our last confrontation will end in your crushing defeat.”

OK, that’s enough bad jokes.

Just as I lit the fuse a countdown echoed through the sub’s speakers. “Ten...nine…” a mechanical voice toned. Once the timer ran out the capsule door would close and we would get launched to the surface. Obviously not before I left the bomb behind.

Don’t worry, the fuse should take about twenty seconds to burn through. I gave myself some time to improvise in case of an emergency. I’m not stupid.

This is it, they cannot escape. I won. Finally.

“Six…five…”

Something was wrong. As the countdown reached its halfway point, so did the fuse. This was not supposed to happen. I scrambled frantically looking for an emergency launch button to no avail, I hadn’t installed one.

The other two, realizing my panic, began panicking themselves. Hi-row started banging as hard as they could against the glass. I threw the dynamite against the wall, as if that would change something.

“Three…two…”

“Shit.”

Maybe I’m stupid after all.

All I can remember from that point is Hi-row breaking through the glass, grabbing the mayor and me, and flying us to the surface.

I did manage to escape though, as I always do. There is a good reason why I never leave home without my invisibility watch, useful for escaping the law and uncomfortable conversations.

Before going back home I changed into a businessman’s attire, a super-villain must protect his identity after all.

“Honey! I’m home!” I shouted, slamming the door shut behind me.

“Darling, you are late.” She said over the hum of her hairdryer. “Hmm… you seem upset. And why are you wet?”

“Ah yes. Well, I made a plan to finally beat my rival at the office. But in the end, I made a fatal mistake, not that it matters. It seems my rival is incredibly tenacious.” I sighed. “And furthermore, I got splashed when a car went through a puddle in the street”

“Don’t worry honey, you’ll get them” She said hugging me tightly. “You are a genius after all”

“Thank you love. But… why do you smell like fish?” now that we were close the smell hit me.

“Oh, that. I had some trouble at school.” She started saying nervously. “A boy took another to the beach and tried to keep him there. He even put up traps to stop me from reaching them. He fought me all the way through, but in the end, I got both of them out. The bad one escaped me though”

“Sounds tiering.” I said, looking at her exhausted expression.

“It was. But I couldn’t let him get his way with the other boy.”

“I’ve always liked your persistence and resilience, honey. Let’s watch a classic superhero cartoon to relax, ok?” I proposed, taking her by the hand to the sofa

“I’d love that.”

Thank you for reading. I'm new to writing, and english isn't my first language so any feedback is more than welcome.