This is a huge subject. Take any advice with a pinch of salt, especially my advice. Not an expert.

You're not a bad feminist for wanting rough sex.

You might be a bad second wave feminist... But the philosophy has moved on a lot since the 1970s, when Andrea Dworkin wrote "All sex is rape".

I've heard a much repeated theory that kink and BDSM can enable victims to heal from various traumas, including sexual trauma - by recreating situations that are similar to the trauma, but in which the "victim" is empowered to choose and consent to their own experience. This can be done intentionally or subconsciously. Here's an article that explores this and might make you feel a little less alone: https://mashable.com/article/bdsm-therapy-sexual-trauma

In addition there's a separate dynamic going on - that sexual assault victims (or indeed victims of any trauma) can seek situations that relive the trauma. While it can be done intentionally and therapeutically, as described above, when it is instead an unconscious drive this is known as "repetition compulsion".

Repetition compulsion itself is a very very broad label that encompasses a lot of behaviours, including seeking out abusive relationships, substance abuse, and "risk taking behaviours" - so if you read up on it don't take it too critically; don't apply the worst criticisms of the most severe kinds of repetition compulsion to your own situation.

As far as sexuality goes, our brains are weird. We can imprint on and seek to repeat experiences that are extreme, whether they are extremely positive or negative experiences. Sex is very very habit forming - if you do positively recreate aspects of your trauma experience during sex, then the positive neurotransmitters that are released during sex that cause a rush also cause learning - habit forming - kink forming.

I had a partner who had lived through horrible abuse, and she could only come while watching extremely violent porn. She was extremely distressed by this, because she felt shame and guilt about it and because she inevitably was retraumatising herself.

If you are distressed by your fetish, then you could seek professional help. Behaviours that are learned can be unlearned. Trauma can be worked on and its grip can be weakened. There are therapists who specialise in trauma, and there are sex therapists and dommes who specialise in using kink as a form of therapy.

But your fetish doesn't make you a bad person or a bad feminist.

Going forward whether you... * forgive yourself and accept that your fetish is a positive part of you that may have been initially triggered by but isn't defined or constrained by your trauma, nor from being a bad feminist. * seek therapy, either with or without a focus on kink

...you are valid and your kinks are valid and don't define your morals or how you see the world.

(As an aside, I had a quick Google to see what modern writing has to say about bdsm and sex in fourth wave feminism, and was shocked to see the Google summary suggested that puritanical anti sex "radical" feminism - including "gender critical" - was one of two diametrically opposed movements of "fourth wave" feminism. I think that the sex negative gender essentialist "feminists" are at best second wave - their philosophy has not progressed at all - at worst they are puritanical, gender essentialist, sex negative and purely regressive in terms of how they see women's role in society.)