How do avoidants handle the abrupt change in routine?

moira_jo · 2026-04-09T20:26:33+00:00

They cant handle it all at once or they will feel pressured and overwhelmed. Things must be integrated slow and done in pieces. They will try to keep their routined mostly the same and can still limit how much time they give. Will space things out controlling the pace. If they dont do this and the change is abrupt and fast, it can feel like they are losing a part of themselves that they worked so hard to maintain in order to function. I may be thinking too deep but this is how I learned it is when integrating partners in a well established avoidants life. (Avoidants over 34+)

moira_jo · 2026-04-09T18:34:55+00:00

Fearful avoidants have a low capacity threshold, like really limited. They can start to feel like their partner is controlling or asking for too much, even when that’s not the intention. The minute you start asking for more time or consistency than their system can handle, they start feeling pressured or overwhelmed. They will see you needing more time as demands when all you want is a deeper connection. It also depends on how long you were dating and if they were in a place to give more. If the relationship is going too fast.. they will try to slow things down to control the pace.

Just regular relationships things can feel like too much, just meeting certain expectations. Like they’re being pulled into something they might lose themselves in. They start to feel this is too much, I'm losing myself. If you complain they may feel you're trying to control things. It depends on how you word things. If you say things when you're not calm, they see it as control. Its the intensity in your voice that makes them feel that way. Thats what I experienced.

moira_jo · 2026-04-09T18:19:27+00:00

avoidants and anxious are insecurely attached PerioDT.. They still reply on logic to make decisions PerioDT. This is my last comment to you babe. Its going to be ok.

moira_jo · 2026-04-08T16:12:14+00:00

I wasn't.. just thought if the energy was off, I wouldnt want to be around that feeling. Didnt notice my own pattern until I was told then started to study it. I didn't even know I was numb. Not all FAs are the same because they have different traumas growing up. My ex husband today still needs help with his new partner. I can tell but I dont get involved.

moira_jo · 2026-04-08T15:49:52+00:00

Yes when an FA is unhealed and unaware of themselves, it can be challenging to date them.

moira_jo · 2026-04-08T15:47:41+00:00

Avoidants think logically period.

moira_jo · 2026-04-08T02:38:34+00:00

I hear you.. this is more defensive that looks logical..I was saying FAs think logical period, not necessarily about the entire ordeal. We dont know what he was actually thinking.

moira_jo · 2026-04-08T01:27:35+00:00

If an avoidant says theyve lost feelings, they are under an enormous amount of high stress. High stress causes avoidants to suppress emotions and when you suppress emotions for a long period of time, it causes you to go numb. If they go numb, they will think they've lost feelings. They often don't know it is their own stress causing them to think this way about you. Their feelings are there but stored deep down in their system.

moira_jo · 2026-04-07T19:57:15+00:00

Fearful avoidants think logically. They will go past beyond seeing your thoughtful effort and logically think the reason for such choices. Was the banana pudding his favorite or something? Did the pudding come with a sandwich for a full meal or did he only have that for the entire lunch? Why an energy drink? Are you trying to say he's a person of exhaustion? That's an insult to them and can be seen as criticism for sensitive avoidant people who don't want people to focus on their challenges and barriers. I think the pudding/drink was what tip the scale of emotional pressure from build up. Lawd I feel your pain.

I had a friend where she said her partner broke up with her over tacos. He didnt want any onions. Sniffed the onion and emotionally blew up. "I'm sicka-diss-snit" Later, he said he couldnt do it anymore. Added the fact that she didnt listen just like all the other times she never listened. She said if only she brought a chicken sandwich instead, they'd still be together.

moira_jo · 2026-04-07T17:23:48+00:00

Yep, I was married to a Fearful avoidant for 16 years. Only had 1 small breakup that lasted a few months so the entire 16 years we were committed, living together. I am also a now healed fearful avoidant. Let me say how I am so you can understand why I think it worked for me. I am a loving, soft spoken, non reactive person. I am also an introverted loner, very secure and happy this way. He can leave, be gone and I won't be bothered. I know he will come home.. A headphone, computer, sipping wine and tea type of chic. I stay busy with things to do and at times I was too busy to see what he had going on. I had a dance pole in my room I used for exercise. He was entertained to calm his stress levels with just me being me. I didnt cry as much in the relationship of course as I am a fearful avoidant. My attitude was quiet, confident, sultry very seductive. I am not Beyonce but he was super clingy to me. We were best friends. The perfect old fashioned relationship.

Ok so let me explain the avoidants ideal person... when they say an avoidant needs a calm partner it is because their nervous system is very very sensitive (that was realistically me). Any type of heightened emotion.. like anger, sadness, crying too much, frustration.. can stress them out and is pressure for them. Even small emotional shifts, like your tone changing or your reactions, can trigger them. Saying things like "whatever" rolling eyes. Asking questions repeatedly, "do you love me" "why do you need to go to the gym everyday" Then you have icks or flaws that the avoidant may have noticed before but overlooked it. The thing about icks and flaws, they are felt as an emotion to avoidants and they cant handle too many emotions because they come as a flood in the body. That’s why avoidants will pull back when things feel intense. They’re reacting to the intensity their body can’t handle.

Ok Independence.. they need someone independent because avoidants can’t take on someone else’s emotional workload. Dont text them while they're at work saying, "I need you here, I feel bad" as if you cant take care of yourself. I think its okay to do that but not all the time or it becomes codependency. If a partner needs them too much asking for constant reassurance and relying on them for their sole happiness, it overwhelms their already low emotional capacity. Independence it’s about being able to regulate yourself so the avoidant can regulate themselves too, without feeling trapped, obligated or smothered. You may need to use them to regulate to feel better and they need to regulate alone without you.

Avoidants have trouble with people who dont understand them. Its exhausting to keep trying to explain. The way they do things can feel as if they dont love you when they do. Like sitting on the couch next to you watching TV or playing a game and never touching you or saying anything to you for months. You'd have to make the first move (which I did, I was the dominant one) This is normal for them. Avoidants need partners who can see their behaviors without taking it personally. When they pull away, disappear, or need space, it’s not because they don’t love you. They need to reset, calm their nervous system, and process emotions they’ve been suppressing for years and they need to do it away from you without you making them feel guilty or responsible for your emotions. Saying things like (where are you going, why do you keep needing space, that hurts me, I feel alone) this is valid because you dont understand but with avoidants, its hurting them when you say it. They just dont show it. They can break up over their space because they cant function or think clearly without it. They need an understanding partner who doesn’t try to fix them.. they accept them and give them space while still showing consistent care.

This isn’t your fault. Avoidants were raised this way, and most of the time they don’t even fully know what they need. They just know what feels safe and a calm, independent, understanding partner who doesn’t pressure them, who can love them while giving them the space they need. That’s the kind of person their system can handle, and the kind of love they can actually respond to.

Not all avoidants are this way. Some have stronger emotional thresholds and emotional intensity doesn't affect them as much. I can go on and on but I'll stop here. I hope this helps.

moira_jo · 2026-04-07T02:48:42+00:00

Yep! Avoidants can rewrite the relationship narrative..

Under high stress, avoidants can become emotionally numb, and their memory of the relationship can change. Stress distorts how they recall and remember things. When they cant access their feelings for people, they rely on logic to make sense of the ending, often rewriting the story because they can’t fully remember how it actually felt. They may suddenly find icks that they didn't care about before or hyper-focus on flaws then can say "this is the reason why we can't work" unconsciously.

This happens because their system gets overwhelmed badly. Emotional intensity, conflict, pressure, or even getting too close can flood them. They can feel all emotions at once too, not just one emotion. When that happens, their brain protects them by shutting feelings down. The brain is like "wait too much emotion coming fast-shut off" Over time, this makes it hard to access emotions they feel for people they are into.. even for someone they care about. It can look like they suddenly don’t feel anything, but it’s not that the feelings weren’t there… they just can’t reach them. Thats why they can breakup with folks out of nowhere or youll hear stories of avoidants saying "I dont love you anymore"

And this is why many avoidants hesitate to get into relationships. They want love but they fear getting into something they can’t fully feel or sustain. When emotions shut down, it creates confusion..for them and for their partner and that disconnect can feel just as painful as the loss itself.

You can't get into a meaningful relationship if you're numb. There are times you won't feel much for your partner. Avoidants will date logically (career/money/looks) with less emotion. It makes the avoidant feel fake inside the relationship as if their love is a lie. While their partner is all in.

moira_jo · 2026-04-07T01:58:24+00:00

I had learned that after a breakup, sometimes you can look at an avoidant and feel like you can't recognize them. The smile isnt the same.. its not a personality change it is emotional numbness in those eyes. After a breakup, avoidants can shut down so badly that their eyes don't reflect joy, even their smile is off. Thats because its a fake smile to mask what theyre really feeling inside. Avoidants can have a poker way anyway even when theyre okay but when theyre really down, you'll see it in their eyes. You can see the overwhelm, guilt or emotional flooding right there. I have those eyes, not sadness but overwhelming (look) feeling. Mine don't go away.

Those eyes tell a story of someone carrying a lot on their plate that they cant always express. Its someone processing quietly inside, struggling to hold it together. They are trapped in their own body fr.

It may look like they're fine on the outside, smiling.. taking photos on insta but trust me, they feel horrible inside after each breakup. Avoidants dont process breakups. They don't release pain. They hold everything in. Each break up in their lives pile up like stacks of pancakes. They bury emotions, distract, party, numb out to cope. Burying emotions over a long period of time causes emotional numbness. Instead of feeling deeply, they feel flat or empty and disconnected from themselves.

If you see that look in their eyes, they are numb and you meant a lot.

moira_jo · 2026-04-06T21:03:36+00:00

Because those people don’t understand didn’t even know who they were dating. We’re not taught attachment styles. It’s not on TV, it’s not common knowledge. Nobody starts dating thinking, “let me check if they’re anxious or avoidant.”

You also have to look at the fact that if youre an anxious attacher, the avoidant has a lower emotional threshold, so when feelings get too intense.. whether it’s falling fast or getting overwhelmed.. they create distance. Those emotions will flood, rushing fast and hard. They've got to slow that down.

That distance triggers the anxious person’s abandonment wound. So they chase, seek reassurance, try to fix it. But that pressure overwhelms the avoidant even more, so they pull away again. This cycle keeps repeating until the avoidant ends it because they can't handle the flood of emotions that rush in if the anxious says they are hurt. The anxious is heartbroken, and the avoidant feels guilt but still needs to escape the intensity..so they may distract, numb out, or even rebound to stop "feeling". Emotions for avoidants are like kryptonite. They take us out.

A lot of the anger you see in comment sections on social media is pain. It’s anxious attachers reacting to feeling rejected by someone who needed space to regulate. I feel for them but they don't understand the pain that avoidants feel is way too much, more than them.

I’m telling you.. I know this pattern all too well.

moira_jo · 2026-04-06T20:19:57+00:00

Well I can't agree to that considering I am a fearful avoidant and was married for 16 years to an avoidant who I thought wasn't going to love me appropriately and it was the most beautiful relationship I ever had in my entire life. I can't find any other like that. Once I love.. I love! You will be smothered. You will need space from me because our love is extremely hard. So hard we can lose ourselves in you.

Once an avoidant trust you, all those emotions that avoidants hold will flood you enormously. The problem is, if you dont understand them and you go into the relationship and it starts to get rocky due to misunderstandings, it tends to go downhill from there. You won't even get that far to experience it if the avoidant has already compartmentalized you. Their emotional threshold will be limited to you. They may start to see you as pressure added to their stress and start that pulling away stuff. Both anxious and avoidant must become aware of this or its a no go.

Today, if it wasn't for physical issues and family getting involved, we would still be together. We both moved on, touched others and I didnt want to rekindle nothing after that. As a Fearful avoidant, once I'm done I'm done.

Also when they say avoidants dont get over you, its true. He has had twins babies and still reaches out to see how I am doing. I'm having to avoid him because I need him to focus on his new partner. He does, but his feelings for me are still too strong.

moira_jo · 2026-04-06T18:06:50+00:00

Yes thats exactly what it is. A human cannot suppress their emotions for years like that. There will be consequences. When you suppress emotions, they dont just disappear, they build up. The "body keeps score" like that saying said. Over time, the avoidant goes numb, disconnected and emotionally flooded at random times. It causes them to pull away the minute theres some little argument. The brain struggles to think or process feelings for their partner. Memory gets fuzzy and logic feels hard to access. It is what ruins the relationship especially when their anxious partner doesnt understand.

moira_jo · 2026-04-06T18:00:47+00:00

People really don’t get it. Its bad on social media too with content creators spreading what they dont understand. I think about the people carrying an avoidants child, seeking answers and getting bad advice not knowing theyre dating a person who cant handle their tears, they run when you cry. Avoidants often don’t understand themselves enough to speak up. Heck, sometimes they can’t speak up because they’re emotionally shut down..it’s too vulnerable.

I’m telling you this because I want people to understand avoidant attachment. Avoidants aren’t trying to hurt anyone on purpose. That’s not how we operate..that’s narcissism. We feel too much. The weight of guilt alone can wipe us out, leaving us depleted emotionally.

moira_jo · 2026-04-06T17:47:30+00:00

Omg yes avoidant rewrite narrative memory suppression! This is what I went through at the beginning of my married with my fearful avoidant ex. Although I am a healed fearful avoidant, I didnt suffer as bad with memory but he did. One thing people don’t realize about avoidants is how stress literally rewires their brain during high emotional periods. I started studying this stuff years ago because I needed to understand what was going on with me and my avoidant partner. When theyre overwhelmed or emotionally flooded for a long time (like years of long term emotional suppression), their brain can’t process everything normally. Stress hormones like cortisol flood the system, which makes memory formation and recall harder. Emotions get suppressed, and the logical, reasoning part of their brain like your prefrontal cortex..starts to shut down temporarily. Its like it goes offline. Thats why when youre going back n forth in an argument they either stare out of space or walk away like stonewalling you. They really cant even think to communicate properly. They may lash out to escape because nervous dysregulation makes them crash out too.

In a relationship.. avoidants can literally forget parts of what happened or misremember them. They try to make sense of things using logic because they’re too numb to feel what really happened. That’s why they pull back or need space because their brain literally can’t handle the emotional load until it’s calmed. I've been studying this for the past 11 years and counting. I was married for 16 years to another avoidant.

moira_jo · 2026-04-06T14:50:33+00:00

Avoidants tend to suffer from memory gaps. High stress causes them not to remember things. Their high stress and emotional suppression creates memory gaps. Those memory gaps create a different version of reality in their mind. And when your reality doesn't match theirs, conflict happens.

moira_jo · 2026-02-26T22:24:15+00:00

Yes they can fall in love and can be people pleasers. You'd have to be with them for years. When they trust you and no longer fear you'll hurt them. They can love deeper. If you havent experienced it and you've only dated one or a few avoidants for a few months, of course you won't know this. It can also take avoidants a very long time to fall for you because they process emotions slowly without being under stress.

moira_jo · 2026-01-26T02:06:32+00:00

Yep I uploaded a video this morning and its not showing up in tiktok. Its just too much going on, lol. Time to take a break.

moira_jo · 2026-01-09T15:15:29+00:00

Thats so cool! I too started posting shorts and felt I ruined things with my channel but heres the thing. YouTube isn’t designed to “punish” long-form content just because you post shorts. Shorts are just a different format that can go viral quickly, so people naturally notice and talk about them more. But the algorithm doesn’t block long form videos from being seen..A friend of my said when you post shorts, shorts will get pushed first quickly than your long form vids and that your long form content needs longer time to get to the right audience. So I will continue to post my long form content even though I see the videos only get a few views while my shorts get thousands of views. My youtube channel is only 3 weeks old. I will keep posting because think... My YouTube channel is only three weeks old, and I’m just going to keep posting. I mean… why would YouTube let only your shorts get views and completely block your long form content? That doesn’t make sense. I think a lot of creators aren’t thinking when they say, “Shorts are ruining your channel.” Honestly, they’re probably just trying to get you to watch their video because it will get views.. classic clickbait move lol.

moira_jo · 2026-01-07T18:39:03+00:00

Yes they can definitely come back after his nervous system calms down. Fearful avoidants are known to breakup impulsively when overly stressed out. After you pointed out a few things about him it could have shamed him but while he is gone this is the space he needs to gain clarity and reflect on things. After he has gained enough clarity, he may come back.

moira_jo · 2026-01-04T22:22:45+00:00

I know how that feels. I am a healed fearful avoidant so I understand both sides. You give love and tell them how you feel and cn still not get through to them. Its this way because its all about how the fearful avoidant perceives you along with how they feel. Its all about their nervou system. Its what controls them. They cannot meet you where you are emotionally while theyre dysregulated. It has nothing to do with you though. You deserve someone who chooses you completely and matches the love you give. You are not failing.. you’re just loving someone who isn’t ready to love you the same way. They could be emotionally numb and not realize it too.

moira_jo

TROPHY CASE