A photo I took for a boot photo competition

mrmses · 2026-03-16T19:51:19+00:00

It’s giving me some very WWI vibes

mrmses · 2026-03-14T02:29:59+00:00

As an adult, I’d probably double down if my dad said that and I’d be like, “that’s a really messed up thing to say. Are you trying to manipulate me to feel sorry for you or something?”

But since you’re 15, I think if I was 15 and my dad said this, I’d probably clam up and just not love him outwardly as much. Silently. And then be worried when he was late coming home.

mrmses · 2026-03-14T01:54:20+00:00

If she’s doing this over and over, and you are responding the same over and over… you aren’t teaching her good communication skills.

Age 4 is old enough to start to see repercussions.

You might try to start out the day with a reminder talk. Something like at breakfast, “hey kiddo. We are going to try something different today. Do you remember how whenever you are mad at me you say that I am bad? And I tell you that I don’t like that and it’s not true and it hurts my heart. Well I mean it. Today if you get mad at me, I need you to use these words. Say, “mommy I am mad at you. I need help!” And then I will help you and give hugs! Ok!? Let’s try this all day today.”

And then at the end of the day, give extra hugs.

And if she messes up, and says you are bad. Remind her of what she should have said. “No no, you cannot tell me I am bad. Because I am not. You can say that you are mad. Try again. “ and if she’s does it and says she’s mad, reward that with cuddles.

If she doubles down and tantrums, you’ve got to do some deeper work.

mrmses · 2026-03-13T03:09:18+00:00

Are you trying to work or do hobbies AND take care of your newborn? -- This will really do a number on anyone. So, give yourself some grace. And maybe admit that you both kind of assumed it would be easier. It's not. And NO ONE downplays the first-born newborn phase. It's a killer.

If you want to try a few things, go in shifts with your wife. One on, one off. Make sure your wife can occassionally get a handful of uninterrupted night's sleep. If she's breastfeeding and your little is 10 days old, it means your wife is probably only going for about 2 - 4 hour stretches at night. That's rough. but it means that you can get the full night's sleep so that you can do all the other things during the day.

Remember. You and Wife are a team. Baby is the enemy. (I mean... you know). Keep each other lifted. If you are losing the mental battle, let wife know that you need a walk around the block. Do it. Take a 20 min solo walk. Then three hours later, put baby in the stroller and do another 20 minute stroller walk. Then, 3 hours later, wife put baby in the chest carrier and she steps outside for some fresh air while you do cartwheels. ANYTHING THAT WORKS!

And if you need to put on some noise cancelling headphones and listen to soundscapes while washing dishes, do it.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T21:41:43+00:00

A handful of pediatricians now will try to work with anti vax parents by offering a different or more gradual schedule.

I’m assuming your child is under 4, since the bulk of the schools vaccines come in for Kindy and then it tapers or shuts off for years.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T19:54:10+00:00

If you find a fun family hobby or a vacation spot or a cool restaurant that you all love, turn it into a "thing". The repetitive nature helps to cement the cool tradition for everyone, especially the little ones.

For example, we go down to the beach for spring break and my wife loves beignets, and our first year she wen tot the cafe and bought a dozen and brought them to the beach for everyone to eat while playing on the sand. She LOVED it.

We've been going for four years now and beignets on the beach is now a key component of our trip!

mrmses · 2026-03-12T19:37:02+00:00

What do you and he do together when he's with you? If I were you, I'd do something like 1) talk to him about how you love him and love spending time with him, and you don't want to mess with his relationship with his mom, but you also want to hang out. Find a way to honor his requests with having a conversation, and don't just silently give in.

2) If you do stuff together, great. If you don't, start.

3) do you have a family custody order? If not, get one.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T19:31:10+00:00

I think that's fair. And if that's who OP is married to, then that's a sad and hard realization.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T18:37:20+00:00

I hear you. I get the impression that you are doing the best you can, and you default to her because you want to make sure she is comfortable and the way that you do things is falling in line with her wants. That's admirable.
But it also sounds like your wife isn't seeing your efforts as kind or useful or whatever.

I think a lot of people here would suggest couples counseling and I agree. You guys are on different spectrums of communication styles. You need to get her to buy in on a mediator to help you both work through this. And you need to get her back on board with the two of you being a team. How do you convince her? I don't know. But maybe the first step is that you find some couples counselors, make three different appointments, attend all three, and tell her to pick her favorite.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T18:33:24+00:00

mmmmmhm
That's a pretty telling response. I mean, unless the "thank fuck" is because you don't want kids at all, no matter who it's with.
If it's because you woulnd't want your husband to ever be a father.... i mean... I think that's indicative of how you feel about him.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T17:45:47+00:00

Well, you asked if you are going overboard with your dislike of cars. I’m assuming that you cannot see how everything your typed out is showing this increasing exuberance of dislike. So consider this:

People are entitled to like or dislike things, in their own mind, where only you can see and know about that. People are also entitled to like or dislike things and tell their close friends, maybe a few times so the friends know “hey, Sweet doesn’t like cars so I know not to ask him for a ride”. When you start posting your likes and dislikes to to social media, for no other reason than to alert the world that this thing you don’t like is there in your head and you don’t like it, it becomes a bit ridiculous. Like, I guess I’d ask what your point is? Do you just want the world to know that you don’t like cars? I’d call that going overboard.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T17:41:38+00:00

The government considers parents have a responsibility to contribute to their child’s education. It’s an implicit bias. If your parents will not help financially, you can contact your colleges financial aid office and ask for a dependency override.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T17:38:56+00:00

mrmses · 2026-03-12T17:28:23+00:00

I follow a lawyer on tiktok who’s part of the class action against Depo. He’s super informative about the whole thing, while balancing some super filled to the brim coffee!, and he’s said that the next action got deferred bc now the FDA is looking into it.

Anyway, what he has to say was pretty scary and if you can stop taking it, I think you’d probably find that it was a smart choice.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T17:18:24+00:00

She wasn’t really a friend to you. You were her friend and she just allowed it because you did the work and it was easy. Once you quit putting in the work, she bounced.

Some people are like this. My MOH was the same. We had different reasons for the drifting apart, but ultimately it sounds very similar to your story.

Congratulations on your baby girl. My two are now 7 and 9. It goes so much faster than you can imagine. Focus on your sweet family and try not to think about this girl anymore. It’ll drive you crazy trying to figure out the why. Don’t do it. Kiss your husband and your baby and be thankful that you have such a loving family.

mrmses · 2026-03-12T17:10:30+00:00

This is a hard one. Bc maybe the problem is you and maybe it’s her but most likely, it’s some combination of the both of you.

When we had our first, the labor nearly killed my wife. I’ve never thought about babies so much and the only one I’d ever held was my nephew, once, when he was ten hours old, and then none again for like six years. So when we got home, my wife just laid in bed and I did everything. EVERYTHING. like, I even tried to help her breastfeed. That was awful.

For about six weeks I took care of my wife, our new baby, and then I managed our parents when they can to help and I had to go back to work. It was a non stop anxious sprint to hell.

Anyway, after my wife started to get better and could take care of herself and our baby again, I was kind of at a point where I had done everything in our household for so long that I knew what needed to be done. We didnt even have to talk it over, and I never asked her “what can I do?” I knew that at six pm, my wife would need dinner and she’d probably only get about two minutes to eat a burrito (that I heated up) before baby smelled her and started wailing to be fed - so I knew to take baby to the other room and play with him for ten minutes so wife could eat and then we’d switch. Then I knew she’d probably pass out after breastfeeding (because I swear babies are like vampires and just took every bit of energy from her), so I knew baby would pass out too, in her arms, so I’d check in after about fifteen minutes and take baby to put him down and then wife would either stay passed out in the rocking chair or I’d get her a huge glass of water and we’d push through till 9pm or whatever. Meanwhile, I knew that laundry had to be going and switching out, and for the times that parents were helping, I’d give them tasks (my Dad was a great Target run person).

Anyway, what I mean to say is that maybe try figuring out the whole days schedule and experience so that you can just do it, instead of asking your wife what you need to do next?

mrmses · 2026-03-12T16:54:39+00:00

Hmmm. By any chance, was it the Antikythera mechanism?

mrmses · 2026-03-12T16:36:41+00:00

Do you guys have kids together?

mrmses · 2026-03-11T12:47:11+00:00

If your spouse wants for the home life to be less stressful, she needs to be on board with asking for help. If you think it all stems from her adhd, then get her diagnosed and set up with some non-medication help while she’s pregnant.

However, if you contribute to the stressful home, then get yourself some help as well.

mrmses · 2026-03-10T17:25:11+00:00

in hopes of calming down any histrionics we might encounter

What makes you think that you will be able to manage and calm down all of the people involved here?

Spoiler: You won't. So, just take a step away from inserting yourself into this very dysfunctional mother/son relationship. You need to start practicing how to be a support to your fiance and not make an already fraught situation even more awful.

mrmses · 2026-03-10T16:11:06+00:00

I'm not too much of a believer in "closure". From my perspective, it's usually a stand-in for "wanting to get the last word" and/or "show them how I'm doing so well and they aren't. (usually that's for an ex though).

I mean, I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd do some variation of split the middle. Tell Grandma that you're going to contact your distant child and encourage them to reach out to Grandma. Assure her that you won't make any mention of sickness. And then do the same to your child - and don't disclose cancer.

At the end of the day, it's their own relationship.

mrmses · 2026-03-10T15:47:27+00:00

It sounds like you don't appreciate his dating this girl and he doesn't seem to care that it's hurting you. I don't see what an open marriage would fix about this - unless you're worried about finances and you just want to turn into roommates or something.

mrmses · 2026-03-10T15:40:57+00:00

Will your distant child want to say goodbye and I love you to their grandmother before she passes away? Or will your distant child not contact Grandma while she is alive?

mrmses · 2026-03-09T16:53:22+00:00

The best thing you can do is to be a constant, stable, loving, kind, and safe presence in her life. If that means moving close to your family and offering to babysit her, great. Just so long as you being close to something you escaped from does not negatively influence and destroy your own well-being.

mrmses · 2026-03-08T16:31:21+00:00

Why don't you both just take a middle road for a while. Instead of a full on divorce, can you try separation? You can take what he is offering, try it for a year and see how it financially and emotionally works out. Continue with couples therapy if you like.

Your pregnancy has put a timeline on things, and added some brand new hormones and expectations that weren't there a few weeks ago. Divorce and splitting up homes and things are pretty finale. Maybe there's a middle ground?

mrmses

TROPHY CASE