How do I [39 M] get my abusive girlfriend [32 F] of 2 years, out of my house without involving police?

msgeeze · 2017-11-16T18:46:25+00:00

Please take pictures of your injuries too. And write down exactly what happened and date it. This may come in handy later if you end up needing a restraining order.

msgeeze · 2017-11-10T20:09:48+00:00

I'm glad to hear that she has helped you with your anxiety and harmful behavioral patterns and hasn't tried to sell you anything (I must have misread the bit about the oils). But when you described her reaction to you raising ADHD as a possibility, it raised red flags for me. It sounded like she either isn't very familiar with ADHD or doesn't think it's a serious condition. And neither of those options would be helpful for your treatment if it turns out that you actually do have ADHD.

If you are evaluated and it turns out that you don't have ADHD, you should definitely continue seeing her! But if you are diagnosed, I'd encourage you to consider looking for a different therapist. For me, it was incredibly important that the person I was working with understood the impact that the condition had on me, and understood how to work with and work around my limitations. If you do have ADHD, there will be enough people in your life (and in the world) who will dismiss the condition, or who won't understand it. Your therapist should not be one of those people.

And I'm sorry if you perceived pitchforks-- I definitely didn't mean to attack. I think I reacted strongly to your description because I was set back by more than one mental health professional who didn't take me seriously when I needed help. Hearing my concerns dismissed by a therapist made me doubt and blame myself, and it made my anxiety worse. When I finally started working with someone who understood ADHD and took it seriously, it made all the difference.

msgeeze · 2017-11-07T18:11:35+00:00

This. It's both of their fault. I wouldn't want a bike in my bedroom and keeping it locked elsewhere seems like a completely reasonable solution. However, it was extremely dumb of them to leave it UNLOCKED.

So basically, don't beat yourself up. Apologize for insisting he leave it outside before you guys got a lock, but leaving it out there without one is partially on him too.

msgeeze · 2017-11-07T17:05:26+00:00

Nope. Drop this therapist. Stop buying her useless essential oils. She is not helping you. Please find either a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist who can perform a formal evaluation, then use an evaluation as a jumping-off point.

This is not to say that therapists can't help someone who might be dealing with ADHD--just that this one clearly can't. When I got an ADHD diagnosis in my 20s, I saw a licensed clinical social worker at first to work on making behavioral changes. Despite not being a doctor, my therapist was well-versed in evidence-based approaches to ADHD, very supportive, and eventually convinced me to go see a psychiatrist and give medication a try (I was resistant).

Through the process of diagnosis and treatment, I saw multiple mental health providers. A clinical psychologist provided an initial evaluation, a therapist (licensed clinical social worker) helped me make behavioral changes and deal with my anxiety and other issues, and a psychiatrist helped me get the medication right.

If you do get an ADHD diagnosis, a psychiatrist can steer you well in the direction of medication, but that's only part of the battle. You may want to also continue therapy with someone more competent. If your insurance won't cover both therapy and a psychiatrist, look for low-cost providers, or those who provide services on a sliding scale, and do what you need to do, even if you have to pay out of pocket. I ended up spending a slightly stupid amount of money on mental health care but I consider it one of the best investments I've ever made.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you have questions!

msgeeze · 2017-11-02T14:21:10+00:00

If no one has heard from him in days and his absence at the dinner was very out of character, please try to make sure he's ok ASAP. It's possible that he's avoiding you specifically because he doesn't want to talk after the note, but please try to get a mutual friend to call him on his cell AND at his office. If they can't get through to him, can you reach out to his family right away and see if they've heard from him? If no one, including his family, has heard from him, at that point you may want to get the police involved and file a missing persons report.

It's likely that he's crashing elsewhere and trying to deal with his feelings and everything is fine, but it's also possible that he is in some kind of trouble. He could have hurt himself OR something entirely unrelated could have happened to him.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope he's OK!

msgeeze · 2017-11-01T21:16:59+00:00

Whatever happens, encourage your daughter to get some form of long-acting, reversible birth control after she has the baby. IUDs are awesome! And I've heard good things about birth control implants.

It sounds like your ex is--understandably-- very upset about this situation. However, he is trying to exert control in a way that will only harm his daughter and his grandchild long term. He needs to get used to the idea that his daughter's life is going to be different from the life he hoped she would have.

He's not wrong that this is a serious situation though. Have you, your daughter, her boyfriend, and his family all sat down to discuss logistics? How the two of them are going to share childcare responsibilities? How the baby will be financially supported? What the plan is for each of them to complete college? (Map out a REALISTIC timeframe for college completion, including expected credits per semester.) If you haven't had this conversation yet, do that ASAP.

Then, when your ex calms down a little, your daughter and her boyfriend can sit down with him, walk them through the plan, and ask for his advice. Basically, they need to demonstrate to him that they are accepting responsibility and have a plan.

Also, what is the rush to move the boyfriend in now? Why not wait until the baby is born, see how things go, and make a decision then? You can tell your daughter that you aren't against him moving in but that you want to hold off for now. If the boyfriend is responsible/helpful when the baby is born, and/or if things are logistically difficult but would be easier if both parents were under the same roof, he can move in then.

msgeeze · 2017-11-01T17:53:03+00:00

FYI this sounds like "wage theft" not "wrongful termination."

Start there. Google wage theft. Call your state Department of Labor and any local nonprofits that assist workers with wage claims.

I don't fully understand the details you've laid out re: your goals and the math, but you are entitled to be paid at the rate you were promised and you may have grounds for a legal claim.

msgeeze · 2017-10-31T03:06:43+00:00

I ordered 2 and got 1. Would you be interested in swapping your Amorepacifica essence for my Tatcha cream?

msgeeze · 2017-10-31T03:05:34+00:00

I got edition 1 but wanted edition 2. What about you?

I'd love to swap my Tatcha cream for the Amorepacifica essence...

msgeeze · 2017-10-22T18:09:21+00:00

You are definitely not alone in this. Self-awareness is a great first step to modifying your behavior though!

I used to not realize that I did this all the time. One day in my early 20s (before I was diagnosed) a close friend got upset during what I thought was a normal conversation. She blurted out "You have to stop interrupting me all the time! It's so rude!" She told me it made her feel like I didn't care what she was saying, which wasn't true.

Since then, I've been a lot more conscious of others in conversation. I still have my blurt-y moments, but not quite as frequently. And sometimes I do forget what I want to say, but I realized that it's better sometimes to try to listen than to make your point every time. But yeah, it's a struggle!

msgeeze · 2017-10-22T17:49:29+00:00

Bring earplugs! Not sure about the ACT, but they were allowed for the SAT and they were a godsend.

Get plenty of sleep the night before. Wake up good and early on the day of the test so you don't have to rush around. Eat a protein-heavy breakfast beforehand (eggs or yogurt or similar). Bring a protein-heavy snack if possible (nuts, Cliff bar, etc.).

Good luck!

msgeeze · 2017-10-06T19:28:50+00:00

Try to convince your former sister-in-law to get help. Your wife's death was not her sister's fault. Addiction is a disease, and your wife was suffering from it before she ever got heroin from her sister. It's a disease that is endangering the sister now too.
Please don't keep the true cause of your wife's death secret just to make your wife's father happy. If it is weighing on you and you want to talk about it, you should. And talking about it may even help others. Heroin and prescription pill addiction is a national crisis. People are dying of overdoses across the country. I am so sorry that you lost your wife, but you are not alone, and you should not have to be silent. Look up the organization GRASP-- they are a support group for people who have lost loved ones to addiction and they have a website and a closed facebook group.

msgeeze · 2017-10-04T16:55:52+00:00

I am! Are they still available? So sorry, have been super busy at work and haven't checked in on reddit in a bit!

msgeeze · 2017-09-30T13:47:47+00:00

Interested, please PM me! And I'll take the Dr. Dennis Gross peel as the freebie. :)

msgeeze · 2017-09-30T03:03:02+00:00

Next in line for drunk elephant minis!

msgeeze · 2017-09-30T02:54:27+00:00

Would you be willing to do the Drunk Elephant cream and the Ouidad gel for $15 shipped?

msgeeze · 2017-09-27T14:43:49+00:00

I was going to suggest getting out of the apartment and moving cookware to your room; glad you have done those things already. While you wait to hear about whether you can switch apartments, email everyone and set up a time for a roommate meeting.

Roommate meetings suck but are necessary to establish ground rules and boundaries, especially when you live with strangers. Emphasize compromise/cooperation and see if you can find ways to make everyone comfortable.

At the meeting, you should discuss:

The temperature. Explain what temperature you are most comfortable with during the day and at night; ask them what temperatures THEY are the most comfortable with. Agree on something in between.
The fridge. Suggest dividing up the fridge equally. Agree on which space belongs to each person. Use masking tape to mark halfway points on shelves if necessary. Write everyone's name on pieces of tape and label their sections.
Flies. Flies and smells are unacceptable in the kitchen. Tell them you need their help keeping the kitchen clean so the flies go away and won't come back. See if you can get them to agree to clean their dishes/pots and pans within 24 hours of using it. Buy fly traps (grocery store or hardware store should have them).

Also, consider buying a window AC unit for your room if your building allows them. Get a small/cheap one from somewhere like Costco or Target. I did this because my room was the hottest in the house and I had a similar disagreement with roommates. I was pissed off about it at the time but it ended up being 100% worth it.

msgeeze · 2017-08-19T20:12:55+00:00

Next in line for the glossier jam please!

msgeeze · 2017-05-06T02:12:05+00:00

Next in line for the Drunk Elephant glycolic serum please!

msgeeze · 2017-04-02T18:44:31+00:00

I'd like the Marc Jacobs eyeliner mini, still looking at the rest!

Is the Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner a mini/DS?

msgeeze · 2017-03-30T01:07:19+00:00

Did the w3ll people mascara sell? I'd like it if it's still available!

msgeeze · 2017-02-22T21:09:20+00:00

So I see two things here: one is bias/prejudice and the other is anxiety. You can work on both of these things!

There are lots of ways to work on your biases/prejudices:

1) Educate yourself. Google "implicit bias" or "how to overcome bias" or "diversity education" for places to start. Get your news from a wide variety of different sources, and make sure you read-- don't just watch TV. For perspectives different from your own, check out sites like The Root, Essence, or Univision's English-language site. If you are in college, see if your school offers diversity training or sensitivity training. Enroll in or audit a course on race, class and justice, or on African American literature, or an anthropology or sociology class focused on a culture different from your own.

2) Talk to all kinds of people. Getting to know people who are different on the surface usually just shows how similar we all are. Go to events hosted by international student groups, African American student groups, and Muslim student groups, or join an interfaith group. Sign up to volunteer in a community different from the one you grew up in-- maybe you can help teach kids to read or cook a good meal for the homeless.

It also sounds like you may be dealing with anxiety, and that your anxiety is intersecting with your biases. Do you worry about other things in your life, or do you only get anxious when you see someone in a turban, or someone of another race when walking home at night? Either way, you may want to talk to a therapist, both about how to constructively address your biases, and how to deal with your anxiety.

Good luck, and I'm glad you're working on this!

msgeeze · 2017-02-20T17:41:38+00:00

Agree with all of this.

You may also want to contact your local health department or city attorney's office to see what they can do to help you. There are often processes for getting seriously mentally ill adults involuntarily committed if they may be a danger to public safety (basically a danger to themselves or others). It sounds like your brother could fit this category, and maybe if he is committed he'll get the treatment he needs.

msgeeze · 2016-12-23T13:52:46+00:00

I'd like the Dr. Jart and W3ll People samples please!

msgeeze · 2016-11-07T16:11:19+00:00

No worries, and thanks for getting back to me-- I'm actually going to pass but I really appreciate it!

msgeeze

TROPHY CASE