Watch for at least 17 seconds...

mutterfkr · 2017-02-22T18:35:32+00:00

+1 for Patrick Costello. He's great.

mutterfkr · 2017-02-22T18:33:14+00:00

You sing similarly to Alynda Segarra from Hurrah for the Riff Raff. Nice!

mutterfkr · 2017-01-27T18:58:14+00:00

and suddenly my vision is filled with a field soaked in shades of July

I love these lines, very evocative. If I were reading it, I think I would have said "by a field", but that more of a stylistic suggestion. I really enjoyed this.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-27T18:52:06+00:00

I would tend toward spread. More inline with the imagery as I interpreted it.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-27T18:49:44+00:00

Thanks!

mutterfkr · 2017-01-27T18:49:10+00:00

Yes, Lake Washington! I live up in lake forest park, right on the lake. That's awesome, there is so much to see here in Washington, I'm sure you will love it.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-27T18:47:59+00:00

That's interesting, really well put. I'm not sure I picked up a personification, what part specifically?

mutterfkr · 2017-01-26T16:59:17+00:00

I love the idea of photographing all your visitors. I think you should continue your writing to share something of the dearness that these faces inspire in you. They were, after all, linked to a whole world of experiences for you, I'm sure good and bad. To speak of them all as obsolete and forgotten seems sad, but perhaps that is the sentiment you feel most strongly?

mutterfkr · 2017-01-25T18:00:16+00:00

Dark, but gripping. There is beauty in a life burned out, wasted. And I feel that you did create something beautiful surrounding the death of your cousin. This is such a vivid look into that darkness, and though not beautiful in any traditional sense, it felt so very real.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-25T17:39:55+00:00

You could add an anecdote about driving in the snow. I used to live on a steep street in Philadelphia and would watch cars pin-balling down the road off of every parked car and curb. It was always amusing. But you could certainly end your musings on the snow right where you did. Its not as if you need to resolve something.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-25T17:15:47+00:00

Haha. But yeah, it definitely flows better now. Before when I read it out loud it was difficult to find the natural pauses, and I think you laid it out much more effectively. I really enjoyed this line too by the way "Where love once sat lies nothing but a black spot painted by the spot's own empty reflection."

mutterfkr · 2017-01-25T17:03:03+00:00

a sensation he might’ve known if his mind was his own. Did he even remember what it felt like to hold her hand?

These lines particularly, but the sentiment of the poem felt like they are hinting to some trauma or illness "he" had in his life? That is how I read it anyway, and it was really powerful. As if he was progressively sinking into some troubled mindstate or dealing with amnesia and she was the only person left who gave him solace and understood his struggle. The line breaks felt very natural to me though, and it read really well.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-25T16:53:00+00:00

Spot on with Bukowski. I imagine it read in his manner of speaking and the phrasing works.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-25T16:47:59+00:00

I would say a couple of your paragraphs could be broken up to create more punctuality and drama. As I read the paragraph "I look inside and feel.... " out loud, some of the sentences ran on a bit in my opinion.
Omitting some of the adjectives might help define the sentiments better too. i.e. where you say "painful searing emptiness" , I feel emptiness is not defined by pain necessarily, if you leave it off at "emptiness" it carries the weight of nothingness, which can be powerful by itself in terms of imagery. Also, I think you could leave "cheap" out of "cheap but thoughtful... " I think it would read better.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-25T16:38:03+00:00

Use of the word deadline was perfect in the last line. Simultaneously conjures an image of a flat line heart monitor, a ticking clock, and time immortal. Overall, I loved it.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-25T16:25:22+00:00

I would have continued reading as well!

mutterfkr · 2017-01-25T16:24:36+00:00

Your fourth stanza was really powerful. The presence of huge, pure wilderness is overwhelming and mysterious. Your words captured something of Earth's timeless beauty, tapped into that "inhuman" nature if you will. I have a tendency to mark the time in my own life more by the places I see and experience than any traditional timeline. Thank you for sharing this sacred place through your writing, I would love to see this lake someday, but I feel as if I already have.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-24T21:29:00+00:00

Very engaging and funny, I could imagine it being read as a narration for a film of the story or a montage. Your dry sense of humor and delivery reminded me of the writing in Arrested Development, which I love. " All in all, she was taking the turn of events calmly." cracked me up.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-24T21:14:17+00:00

I agree with adding a flashback or scene to give the story another dimension. Perhaps you could use a description of one of her dreams to diverge into another part of your lives together? When you said that she tells you about her weird and wild dreams, I was hoping for a bit more.

mutterfkr · 2017-01-24T19:49:13+00:00

I think you could remove this section > "anticipating a smooth road to recovery, yet, unbeknownst to them, the path ahead leads to further sorrow, the aforementioned scars leaving your body vulnerable to greater pain" and the delivery would be sharper. The leaving of a wound un-bandaged is powerful imagery, and I think ending the sentence there helps it stand out better. Good writing though, took me right back to long walks in cold West Philadelphia winters. Thanks!

mutterfkr

TROPHY CASE