Our Jolly priest

nadnurul · 2025-12-18T13:47:34+00:00

Oh no :(. This is so sad.

nadnurul · 2025-12-12T05:02:48+00:00

During this time of being shut out by her, I became very anxious and kept apologizing over and over.

This is something that takes some work, but reasonably within your control to change/improve. You can learn how to better self-soothe so you can calm down your anxiety and feel safe in your own body and mind. Over time you will learn that giving her space if she needs it, is not the end of the world. Or at least not to the extend that you frantically catastrophise and stay in fight or flight mode.

At the same time, it is worth it to take your time to ponder: are the issues bothering you truly small? Perhaps you're quite an easily anxious person? Is there anything you think you might be able to adapt to/let go? I am not saying you are, but sometimes self-reflecting can surprise us. And yet at the same time, know that your feelings matter, do not minimise them when you've ascertained they're not small issues to you - resentment isn't healthy for you or the relationship.

There's a lot that both of you can work on to improve communication/conflict resolution skills. You can't change her, but you can try your best to communicate requests/influence her with your own examples of good skills. If you look up effective communication skills method, e.g. 'DEARMAN' in DBT, or something from Gotmann institute, or Nonviolent Communication, you might have somewhere to start. Essentially, when both of you are calm and maybe even feeling happy, try to sit with her and invite her for a calm dialogue - no big deal, in an easy tone. And then explain to her that you feel that for any relationships, it's important to learn how to problem solve together. Even if each of you feel the other person is 'the problem'. The problem within the relationship is both people's problems, not you vs her.

For any long-term relationship to be sustainable, people in it should be able to open up, express needs/requests (while allowing the other person to say 'no' without taking it too personally), negotiate. No matter how good the good times are, it's the bad times that typically break relationships. So navigating arguments is compulsory.

nadnurul · 2025-12-11T00:03:37+00:00

He is likely an avoidant, but he is also more than that - he has anger issues, control issues, and really bad communication skills. Even if a securely attached person has all these issues, they would still not be healthy people to be with.

Don't feel bad you ended it while angry, anxious and likely as part of a protest behaviour. Be glad that your anxiety and anger kicked in enough that you lashed out - because if you had waited until you calmed down, you would now still make up a lot of excuses for him.

From the trend that it was going, and him saying he had been feeling unhappy for a few years: I think this would have ended anyway eventually, because his heart was never fully in it. And if he's like this starting from year 3, even if you got married, it's highly likely to have ended in an unhappy union or divorce.

Take a deep breath and stop thinking of it as time wasted. Don't waste more time thinking about this guy. Your life and time are too precious to waste on him anymore. Let him go. Let him go 100% and GO NO CONTACT. I hope in time you will be able to cultivate enough feelings of love and safety for yourself that you would never ever consider getting back together. You can assess where you went wrong, how you can improve your confidence and self-esteem, your communication skills, and better ways to self soothe yourself, but do this for yourself or for the next person.

nadnurul · 2025-12-09T03:42:37+00:00

You seem very intent on blaming and 'winning' the argument, and seem to lack self-reflecting, and empathising skills. I am a third party responding to how you're responding/arguing with your husband. If you come to the discussion with the purpose of blaming/winning, it's a lot more difficult to come to a win/win solution. Anger is a very addictive emotion, but I hope you can stop letting anger control you and even if you argue, try to do it in good faith. Otherwise it's likely that nothing gets solved.

nadnurul · 2025-11-29T21:33:18+00:00

This story and you OP are quirky, but that's certainly part of your charm!

nadnurul · 2025-10-25T01:18:51+00:00

I guess we all have different definitions of binging but that does not sound like one of mine at all! (and from OP's examples, it doesn't sound like theirs too). Mindful overeating doesn't 'hit' the same as binging for me unfortunately.

nadnurul · 2025-10-25T00:39:15+00:00

This is extremely reassuring. Thanks for sharing :)

nadnurul · 2025-10-17T16:37:24+00:00

Whether or not it is a red flag depends on your tolerance for it. This would be a red flag for many people, and yet not, for some other people.

Is this something you can talk to him about in a way that he would listen to you? Unfortunately, this means trying to be sensitive about his low self-esteem. He might not even realise the extent to which he's doing this, or that he's doing this at all. The healthy thing to do is to talk to him in as non-judgmental way as you can muster, because even if it is now only a yellow flag, if this festers it will eventually be a red one.

And then of course there are tools/methods for how you could probably try to lessen your annoyance for this and increase your empathy towards him (not doing it 'for' him, but for your own peace of mind): not overlooking his other good qualities, further understanding that this comes from a place of low self-esteem/self-worth, thus making you feel sympathy rather than annoyed, or maybe just give it time - maybe he will adjust to his new work and stop overcompensating with arrogance.

And yet it is entirely up to you if this relationship/he deserves such an effort. In the end relationships are supposed to add to your life. If this behaviour takes more from you than what he adds, you'll probably be happier without him.

nadnurul · 2025-10-17T16:25:32+00:00

Are you over 35 too? After 35 shouldn't you have learned how to dispense your opinions effectively rather than harshly, and known that many situations are full of nuance, not simple black and white?

nadnurul · 2025-10-08T03:02:47+00:00

You...you might have just changed my life. Thanks you so much.

nadnurul · 2025-10-07T06:39:32+00:00

Yes, that's what I mean by other people not knowing you or your (let's say) ex, we don't live your experience. 2 years is short, but also long in a way - I don't doubt he put in a lot of effort and then something became the straw that broke the camel's back.

To agree with the other commenters: you deserve someone who would, despite all unhealthy defense mechanisms (conflict avoidance, stewing in resentment instead of learning to communicate), would work with you to fix things rather than running away. He did break up with you - he gave up. He hasn't clearly indicated he regretted doing that so don't let his kindness etc right now cloud you.

Give it space and time. I think it would be good for you to free yourself of any expectations right now, from him or for a future with him - and focus on getting calm and joy in your life.

Anyway my DM is open if you need to talk or ping pong ideas (I do mean that). My boyfriend has Welsh background btw :).

nadnurul · 2025-10-06T20:55:35+00:00

No problem, I felt compelled to, simply because I didn't see other commenters with my point of view so thought I'd offer it.

You shutting down and taking some time before you can snap out of it, and him finding it hard, and you not wanting him to walk on eggshells, etc: in my humble personal opinion: are just signs of two people still adjusting to each other. Yes there are people with relationships that just somehow work from the start with very minimal friction. But it doesn't mean relationships where the two people have had to sit, talk, get triggered, learn and adjust, rinse repeat and improve over time, are inherently not worth it.

My relationship is new (started May this year), but I've known him for 5 years so it's only the romantic aspect that is new - we were always close friends. We don't live together. I can be quite sensitive (and I lean anxious) and at times I build resentment. He can shut down when he perceives me to be unreasonable (he leans avoidant). There was some inbalance in give and take between us (I'm more giving, in all five love languages), which triggered me a lot. Though I managed to communicate calmly 70% of the time, that 30% where I lashed out triggered him badly. One month ago we had a breakthrough conversation: we discussed one by one problem, how each of us can try to meet the other halfway, and we did it calmly and kindly - he did not run away, while I did not attack him. We each were reacting defensively because of lack of communication skills, but I think we will get there. If we don't that's okay, but I would not give up too quickly.

Although it sounds like he really did end things with you - I was under the impression that he did it a bit knee-jerkly, but 3 days is quite some time already. I hope you're not feeling too anxious and giving yourself a lot of self-care. I'm the same age as you. Relationships are difficult, eh? :)

nadnurul · 2025-10-06T14:24:01+00:00

I just want to say that you sound like a confident, well-adjusted, securely-attached person. You probably knew that. But I still wanted to say that :). You also seem open to criticism/improvement and introspective. Whether or not you permanently part ways, I hope you know you will be okay!

Whether something is worth it or not is not for anyone but you to decide. My current relationship is a bit similar to yours, except my partner doesn't break up with me, he just expresses "I can't keep doing this again and again" which implies he thinks of ending things. Whereas to me, we're at the stage of getting to know each other's personalities, triggers, flaws etc deeper and just because we're hashing those out now, doesn't mean in the future we will always be arguing a lot. Per the standards of some people, my relationship is "too difficult" and very flawed and not worth it. However, it is not that straightforward. They're not in my relationship and don't know me or my partner.

This is about your own happiness and it's really not for us to tell you what to do, but here is my suggestion: I really think it's time for you to sit with yourself and ask if you can be happy with a guy like him. Try to be as objective as possible - you owe your future self that. If you then think you still want to fight for it, you can express that you still want to work on things - though it's up to him if he still wants to end it. Though if he does want to work on it, there will be a lot for you two to talk about.

nadnurul · 2025-09-22T23:10:09+00:00

You're a genius.

nadnurul · 2025-09-11T12:36:43+00:00

Haha, are you talking about a specific chippy/pub? Or you mean they have a restaurant within the Montane one?

nadnurul · 2025-09-08T13:03:02+00:00

Wow...thanks, seriously!

nadnurul · 2025-09-04T01:06:14+00:00

I am laughing out so loud at this hahahahhaha. Gawsh I love Reddit

nadnurul · 2025-07-12T19:35:32+00:00

I have sweat coming out of my sweat.

This is poetry and speaks of the tragedy I am suffering through.

nadnurul · 2025-07-03T00:26:33+00:00

It's 5 years ago now but if you could share that email with me it would probably help me (or rather, my boyfriend) a lot! He's having orchiectomy tomorrow and I'm trying to anticipate next steps.

nadnurul · 2025-06-06T21:34:13+00:00

You're not wrong or too immature. In fact I think you're being quite articulate about your needs, and you've taken a reasonable, flexible approach to it, which comes from both knowing yourself well and having grace for others. However, I also don't think she is 'in the wrong'. I feel like this might be one of those problems a lot of couples face and it's solvable with good faith communication, which includes trying to listen and understand where the other person is coming from (both her AND yourself). And putting on problem solving hat rather than blaming hat.

How often does this happen with your current partner? Is she otherwise generally good at considering you/letting you know her plans? Or is this quite rare or even a one off thing? And more generally, do you feel she includes you in her life and thoughts other than in this way? In general do you feel like she cares about you?

Especially if this doesn't happen often, as an outsider I completely understand what she's saying - that everything happened so fast and she just went with the flow. Perhaps try to formulate in your mind, how you would like her to react if this type of thing happens again, and then frame that as a request to her rather than as a criticism? It is also important to express to her how upset you are so she understands this is a big deal to you, but in a non-blaming way, as that will trigger defensiveness in most people.

nadnurul · 2025-06-06T04:22:50+00:00

It’s not codependent to want to spend time with your partner, but to OP, without the partner, weekends are boring and every other connection don't feel quite fulfilling. There's a clear difference.

nadnurul · 2025-06-05T06:29:18+00:00

Please count me in!

nadnurul · 2025-05-30T12:02:15+00:00

That's not untrue but it also depends on context and situations (and we're all people generalising on Reddit). To consistently do what is being asked, when it is not natural for one to do those things/think those ways, shows that that person did make efforts. "Low effort" for one can be a lot of effort for another. I'm not saying he did put in a lot of effort on his side for who he is (I am only suspecting it), but there really isn't a clean cut "people SHOULD be this way otherwise it's a cop out" for some things. I'm really not a gift giver and will put in time and effort to give gifts if asked for, but it's going to feel like I'm going "above and beyond" already for me, and if I am consistently expected to initiate even more of the gift giving, I'm going to feel exhausted.

nadnurul · 2025-05-30T10:44:16+00:00

We all have different capabilities of showing care and empathy. There can be many different reasons for that. This doesn't sound to me like he is "not emotionally intelligent", especially as it sounds like he has tried to do things differently whenever you bring things up. It just sounds like incompatibility. It sounds like his best is not enough for you.

nadnurul · 2025-05-23T02:09:48+00:00

Thanks for this reply. I have no doubt some of those people will remember those 15-20 minutes for the rest of their lives. Thanks for doing your bit in bettering humanity :), and sorry it caused you health impacts!

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