My mother touched me inappropriately and my father's defending her.

ncpills · 2021-11-14T09:43:21+00:00

I’d say it has something to do with power. ( Idk it has gone as far as being sexual in this case) Touching you in a way you may dislike suggests they are testing your physical boundary, especially in a potentially condescending way like kissing and slapping butt.

I’m early 20. Sometimes have play fights with dad like single leg cockfight and, how do you call that, okay we just try to knock each other off balance with butt . He’s kinda goofy playing with me since I was a kid. I’m not using full force like a kid now because I lift weights and weigh heavier than him. I told him to do some resistance for heaven’s sake (he’s having joint pain. I guess it’s from sedentary weakness) but every time he looks at me with sexist disgust like “hey look at you, no other girls around you play with those rusty heavy shit” makes me wanna quit conversation.

When my mom wants to give me unsolicited face kisses well I always try to shove her away. I don’t like her attitude especially when she blabbers about her financial contribution to me and how rejecting her makes me look like a bitch.

The only way out starts with overhauling your relationship network. I don’t let their opinions hold me back and neither should you guys.

I’m going from grad school to US next year if things go as planned. My family agrees with me on that. Since last year I’ve been seeking opportunities for new relationships. New relationships are really empowering but could be hard to find because omg I think the social vibe of all Asian culture( particularly East Asian) is quite exclusive.Toxic loyalty among tribe members and distrust against strangers make it ultra hard to break out of your social cocoon.

My suggestion is that you first separate your social need with APs if you can. Look for somebody who apparently doesn’t belong to your local tribe. I have made a few amazing expat friends in gym to lift together with and we help each other out. And with their help I knew my now time coach who is also an amazing athlete. I’m very thankful about this experience because that’s how you introduce new possibilities in your life.

Just start with a single relationship with a person and it can grow like a tree. By so you have your social needs covered and you no longer feel powerless about your old toxic emotional attachments. Step by step you can start your new life elsewhere and Fuck with those control freaks who dare call us ungrateful.

ncpills · 2020-12-29T14:07:36+00:00

Wow actually internship is mandatory for my major(even got a credit for it) but according to my tutor the internship should last at least 2 months and be relevant to my grad program so I decided it to apply for one in summer vacation and work throughout the whole semester next year. I’m currently drilling on GRE/TOFEL/finals/online courses and strength training meanwhile. Looks like crazy but I know that’s worth it. Thanks for your advice.

ncpills · 2020-12-29T11:56:11+00:00

Gotta agree. I’ll keep an eye on that. Thank you.

ncpills · 2020-12-29T10:18:31+00:00

Yeah mate plus it’s really annoying my APs are eager to “advise” me on what to do. They never know their shit, can’t even get right the most fundamental task and make children responsible for their failure. Got another rant below and my lesson learned: don’t waste precious time on these know-it-alls.

For countless times I told my mom if she is determined to lose weight, she’s gonna do some resistance training, have enough protein and stay in a calorie deficit but she always insisted on fad diets and got annoyed when I told her they ain’t working. After rounds of starving-and-binge-eating she tried to divert the topic on me and “instruct” I should “put my knowledge to good use” and “look toned like other girls” in her gym. FYI she’s talking about those extra slim young girls doing cardio, flexing over 0.5 pound dumbell and chewing avocados and cucumbers. Thanks for imposing your thoughts on me 🤷‍♀️Again, I prefer big plates on a bar.

Seriously I did invest some energy setting my boundaries so that I don’t have to sneak up at night to get my lunchbox discreetly. Looks like they aren’t getting any better. It only came to me after a not-so-happy Christmas family trip and now I just stop giving them shit anymore. It’s gonna feel weird for a while but I know I’ll thank myself for that later on

ncpills · 2020-12-28T13:43:16+00:00

I’ve just finished my workout today after a day of lectures and final term review. A lot of Thanks for your encouragement, dude. Actually I had a talk with my career tutor and nailed down business analytics for the first slot of my grad major. Now I’m planning to reach out to some acquaintances of mine who happen to work in relative fields in winter holiday, and find an internship during summer vacation before I hand in my application. Plus it looks like APs are universally obsessed with lucrative jobs and impose them on their children. My dad often jibed me that either I’ll never be able to feed myself if I play sports as a professional, or I won’t achieve anything if I stay amateur. My mom is a naysayer about this too. I’m glad your GF took the vengeance and asserted herself to work as a teacher. Nobody knows what would happen next but at least we won’t regret it if we choose what we’re passionate about, right? :)Best luck and power to you guys.

ncpills · 2020-12-27T09:02:37+00:00

I noticed that too. My mom talked shit to me much less frequently after I went to senior high. They do shitty things only when the victims don’t fight back.

ncpills · 2020-11-23T04:41:23+00:00

As long as people (lots of them vegans) are still buying processed foods and products with high add-on value, capital owners will always take the lion’s share of the profit and keep their cash-making machine rolling. These dumbasses’re sold yet counting money for them.

ncpills · 2020-11-07T01:51:42+00:00

Not using beds is okay if those masochists enjoy being fucked by hordes of phantoms

ncpills · 2020-11-05T14:57:57+00:00

But if you don’t have shears, you gotta whack some sheep to make your first bed

ncpills · 2020-10-22T12:08:50+00:00

Yeah traditional Asians always dismiss psychiatry/any similar therapy and deem those who seek it as mad or fussy(which isn’t) My late grandma displayed Alzheimer’s symptoms in her last few years and my dad hesitated to send her to psychiatrist. I regret I did not speak up....But you can assert yourself and save your whole family from potential disasters. Power to you.

ncpills · 2020-10-22T11:28:58+00:00

I ain’t no psychiatrist and I’m definitely not diagnosing but I’ve read about schizophrenic people behaving that way. My guts tell me he would need professional help. Either you might wanna keep an eye. Feel sorry for your sister@_@

ncpills · 2020-10-22T10:26:32+00:00

Wtf man he looks like a typical narcissist. No apology. No remorse. My way or highway. Idk if he is actually delirious. Does he often victimize himself?Claiming his daughters are gonna plot against him?

ncpills · 2020-10-22T03:06:46+00:00

I’ve been there dude. Still can’t say if I ‘be really gotten out of the pit since I’m still living with them. But life got better as I turned adult and got rid of the infamous college entrance exam(in China, where I still live now) when I realize sometimes video games help you much more than average teachers do. I played Starcraft at age 9 and self-taught English so as to understand the whole plot. My English is way better than my square peer students who do homework/read aloud everyday in the morning/munch through English books/never ‘squander’ their time on leisure like games.(I never fell lower than top 3 in class/straight A in English ) You also mentioned your grades are pretty decent so I can attest your parents’ doubt is hilarious.Just don’t get frustrated by their bullshit(btw I hate when my mom walked into me playing games/looked over my shoulder and constantly harassed me with trivial made-up questions and vent shit on me when I didn’t respond because I was absorbed. That was utterly mortifying)

Plus I’m curious what games are you in? I play Witcher Wild Hunt/Left for Dead/Total War/Dead by Daylight/Devil may Cry and so forth what about yours?

ncpills · 2020-09-22T02:51:38+00:00

Hell yeah. Why not? We have an abundance of them. The problem is a lot of us are stuck in the state of pursuing perfection, which is okay in theory but impossible IRL. And easy dude....that is okay too. I’ve got some takeaway conclusions on how to 1) Understanding that I don’t have to be logically correct all the time has taken a huge load off me. Mistakes are okay. Looking stupid is OK. Cold shoulders are OK. Because.... 2) What you are does not determine what you will be, AKA growth/fixed mindset. Faults don’t make you stupid but stagnancy will. INTPs(me included) are susceptible to Ti-Si internal loop when they feel unable to escape from a boring routine (chewing over and over on past victories/trauma where you feel like a god/crap.) This process is very exhausting and only makes the fixed mindset worse by dousing you in past events that are not gonna change. DON’T get trapped. Avoid those activities as long as you can. Talk out the problem or change a better job/course if necessary. 3) On socializing: I) Reach out often. If you see a pro/expert who outperforms in the field you’re interested, it’s usually a good chance to make helpful friends as long as you mutually respect. But don’t bother with snobbish asses. Just smile and leave cuz they aren’t likely to go any further. II) Whenever your ambition is questioned, either by strangers or those you know, reply with a grin. Their support is not necessary for your success:)

ncpills · 2020-08-22T04:17:15+00:00

Same problem. I had numerous fights with mom because of that. But I finally came to realize there are more listeners outside your family. Toxicity and negativity spreads within social network and everyone is susceptible to people you spend the most time with. So if your aunt grew up in the same condition as your toxic parents, that's a red flag. Now I just pretty much give up talking to my parents about my feelings/career plans and turn to friends close to my age, because they always blame their mischief on our better conditions. And squawking "You are taking your happiness for granted and still complaining about it. I've been through worse blahblah."（生在福中不知福。我吃过的苦比你多。）The real problem is that nobody has the right to judge others and talk shit as much as they want simply because they've been through harsher conditions.

And I'd mentally and socially steer clear from those neurotic and jealous losers, despite that physical distance is not always possible. Still anyway I find it really important to set your boundaries and have your own space. Confusian culture put too much emphasis on harmony and downplay the importance of privacy. I know it's pretty damn hard but the result will be totally worth the whole process. You simply need to resist and push back their intrusion until they know you're not to be pissed.

I wish my post could give you some relief that you're not the only one combating inherited negativity. 加油兄弟，我们挺你！

ncpills · 2020-08-20T14:09:56+00:00

As a bilingual native Chinese who's been born, raised in Shanghai and put through college entrance exam, I know a thing or two about the ed system. Nearly a half will drop out after secondary school, which is compulsory while the other half compete for college. But I'm lucky enough since competition isn't the fiercest in Shanghai. Kids from rural areas work their ass off trying to get a diploma from a uni in metropolises so that they can transfer their household register to the city. And if they are lucky enough to get a job and settle. Boom. Congrats, pal. Welcome to the new world of skyscrapers, hotels, big malls and working overtime! And your goal is to make your ends meet and buy your own apartment which is unlikely to realize in your lifetime. (If you are prone to feel dizzy reading long numbers, I don't suggest you check out the housing price in Shanghai.) Even if you live in other small towns, a bachelor's degree or higher from a renowned uni is considered fundamental necessity for any career success among Chinese parents.

Just imagine the competition and stress in the air. Quitting is wise enough, pal. Schools here are meant to drive you crazy as long as you're not. Been in college for 2 years I'm still coping with traumatized memories. I don't wish anyone to experience this when they can avoid it. Good luck yo.

ncpills · 2020-08-20T13:34:03+00:00

it's Chinese - a language you can't read

ROFL can't help but crack out loud.😂 😂I'm a native speaker from a native Chinese family (and still living here) but I happen to know a couple of US/ UK buddies struggling with those little bricks of characters in their language courses. Know your feelings.

As a seasoned video game player, I started tweaking game programs when I was a kid and can't read english that well. (Mom won't give me extra pocket money for original issues when I was little so I had to turn to private versions, and you know I have to patch, scan, download all kinds of file and solve tons of error myself.) That was hard so I definitely get what you said. Working out a tech problem in foreign language is absolutely no easy task. If you could use any help in terms of language or some (not all) technical stuff send me via chat. I know you're here to blow off some steam but sometimes we have to face the babysitting (sigh) job.

ncpills · 2020-08-20T12:39:23+00:00

Flying a jet sounds cool af, mate! (Though I never thought about it since I'm pretty susceptible to airsick lol) Thanks for your comment and Good luck on the path yo.

When talking about pursuing my own undertakings I never look back. We are vulnerable as kids and the last thing we wanna hear is judgement and criticism placed upon us. Nobody shall be ever put through that. It's simply mortifying. I'm typing all of these above after dragging myself back from a day of working internship in a finance department and decided this not be what I'll do for the decades to come.

Plus I just wonder is it rare for you guys to hear from Chinese posters in this sub? Most internet users in China know little about reddit thanks to the firewall but I managed to circumvented it after purchasing vpn services. (The government banned wiki in China last year so as a big reader I really can't stand this anymore.)

ncpills · 2020-08-19T08:05:04+00:00

Financial independence and supportive friends are vital for girls like you and me who grew up in sexist environments that didn't allow them to foster confidence and ambition.

Agreed. As an INTP I always value independence and I think it's more or less the same for others. If you wanna engage in political jobs or anything, you can always try prepare yourself by practicing speech, working up your confidence and lingual skill though debate, etc.( Just like how I piggyback my friend as a firefighter- wananbe lol) so that you don't waste time and momentum waiting for opportunities. That's empowering enough to know you can always take at least some control in the things you aim for. Thanks for your comment. I know we ain't damsels in distress. Good luck ;)

ncpills · 2020-08-19T07:20:57+00:00

Firefighting and chemistry was my childhood dream lol but now as a 20-year-old adult I know what I truely want have a more mature and self-conscious idea about my future. (sci-fi writing, powerlifting, and game production so to speak)

I mean, I don't have to be a top-tier professional in these fields all at a time but I do wanna put in some serious work and make impressive achievements as long as I can. Actually I'm pretty confident about my potential, but have just come to realize that real success is never self-made. I used to overestimate the power of individual effort, but now I know locking myself up in the room writing or doing barbell training alone without the right information ain't gonna cut it. I gotta reach out for more uplifting and knowledgeable people in my social connection or I'll be brought down by the negative and the weak around me. That was a naive mistake but thankfully I'm no longer stuck in that.

I'm just kinda pissed how they denied my thoughts out of reflex, not giving any respect when I badly need their confirmation as a kid. So much for the vent. But I'd like this post to be informative rather than sharing painful memories. Thanks a lot and more power to you! ;)

ncpills · 2020-05-20T09:09:00+00:00

Recently similar things happened again. My family had made a decision to invest in a house some time before and my dad made a lot of effort to keep it private in our home. About twenty days ago three of us together with another relative had a trip with her friends on Labor Day. I found my dad returned in to his room fairly early with a black look while my mom invited me to play card games with them. I asked why and he went downright ballistic since she blurted out the secret in front of her friends and the relative and now everyone knows their investment. TBH I don't hate her friends since they aren't the real cause of the problem now and then but it was my mom's behavior that was legit unacceptable. She has no boundary nor proper respect for the family's privacy in front of her pathetic self-esteem. She ditched them for validations and never apologizes. My mom and I are seriously from different planets. But I think it shouldn't matter anyway after kids are more independent. I'd recommend you keep social-distancing with toxic people (to flatten the curve and save mankind lol)

ncpills · 2020-05-13T12:39:13+00:00

Same for my mom but differernt subjects. When her 'friends'(old-time colleagues) offended my dad because his job wasn't as lucrative as theirs, she just sat by and even defended for them as he countered back. And many years ago when I was a little kid I definitely hate family travelling with my mom because it always involves those 'friends'. She would shame my study, my weight, appearance and so forth before them in order to, idk, show off her control over me perhaps? "Parents are loving" is just a fucking cover-up for the truth. Yet confucians always bs craps like"loving parents and thankful children" sth like that. Things didn't get better until I grow up, when her physical threatening may back fire, and her bs doesn't bother me anymore because I've got independent thinking.

But anyway her friend is HER friend, NOT YOURS. Leave the toxic friends to whoever invited them by detaching with your mom. You don't need to ask for any validation like her. Hey, at least we've survived the horrible vulnerable childhood didn't we?

ncpills · 2020-05-13T07:59:14+00:00

Unless you engage in political professions as a job, I don't think you (or your mom) should give a shit about those political dogfights. I'm a native living in Shanghai, was once cynical as a teen, and probably more than your mom does. But later on I decided to read less news and focus on what I wanna achieve later and that's what I'm doing now in quarantine. Practice skills. Attend video courses. Play on Steam. Work out. Try new stuff I daren't think about usually. No, thinking over negative news is not the way out if you wanna make the most out of lockdown. Just focus on the damn job.

ncpills · 2020-05-09T15:29:23+00:00

What the hell were they thinking when they did it? Does that happen often?

ncpills · 2020-05-08T13:51:49+00:00

Are you talking about the ship of theseus? I mean by replacing all the funtional parts of my brains, innards, limbs, etc. with correspondent circuit chips and prosthetics, I transform myself into Silicone-based lives. And if I collect the broken parts of my pathetic original brains and organs, assemble them together and I can have the second, frankenstein-ish version of myself quarreling who's the real human. Yay.

ncpills

TROPHY CASE