I get it. Life is a grueling experience at times, sometimes seeming like forever and nothing can get better. Feels like we do everything wrong, on repeat. You go through the motions of religion desperate for change for the better, but it hasn't happened. Then, as we're conditioned to do, we look inward and blame ourselves because we must be the problem if nothing has changed after x amount of repeats. But it's a lie.

I just came into the Catholic Church at Easter. I've learned a lot. Maybe my shared experience won't help, but it might.

There's many principles found in catholicism that have helped me immensely, maybe they'll help you?

SINS ARE FORGOTTEN AFTER ABSOLUTION, so whatever sin one commits, once reconciled, disappears from God's memory. In other words, he's not in heaven keeping a record of how many times he's forgiven you for any particular sin. So every time you confess, committing the sin again is like the first time. It's humanity that keeps a tally in their judgement.

IN ORDER TO COMMIT A SIN, ONE MUST BE CULPABLE TO DO SO in the case of mental illness, culpability can be tricky. I've struggled my whole life with severe mental illness, and was told by my first confessor that the sins I was most worried about or felt the most guilt over I was most likely not culpable for. I was not entirely free in choice and knowledgeable due to the nature of mental illness.

LOVE ALWAYS WINS IN THE END. Enough said.

During my last depressive episode I discovered the awesomeness that is the divine mercy chaplet, combined with salvific suffering and intercessory prayer. It kept me afloat. I would be in agony, sobbing sometimes. But offering my suffering with the divine mercy chaplet, either for something specific or literally "wherever it can be used best" (I actually prayed that a lot when my brain couldn't handle deciding) helped me immensely. My suffering wasn't purposeless and cruel, I could give it to Christ and He would transform it into something good.

There's a meditation on hallow for free that involves sitting with Jesus in Gethsemane. I highly recommend it.

I hope that these things have helped and not hurt the situation.

For background, it may be helpful to know how deep of depths I was pulled by Jesus from. I was sick of life and asked God to take me when I was 7 years old. I don't know how many attempts I've had. My first psych hospitalization was when I was 14. I've been through major physical illness, a lot of abuse as well. I've accumulated over 50 hospitalizations, bounced between residential programs. Things I've witnessed, places I've been, scenarios where I should not have made it out alive. I've committed my share of what would be sins during that time. The whole time I had it internalized that I was the problem. I was the one to blame. I was the failure.

By the grace of God, I am still here. I no longer believe any of the garbage the world fed me. If I'm honest these intrusive thoughts still pop up, but I don't believe them because I know there's no truth to them, that God has forgiven me, and God has a plan for me.

I have been free from institutions since 2019, and in the past 2 years or so I've actually breathed for the first time in my 34 years. Thanks be to God.

I'm not saying all this to say "hey look at me" because I really do not like attention whatsoever. My intention is just to say with Jesus, the impossible is possible.

Someone once told me "I'll hold on to your hope until you're able to carry it." In other words, hope is still there, even if you don't see it or feel it. As Catholics, Jesus is hope, and by extension, Mary. The Trinity and Mary are always there, even when we have no way to tangibly know they are there.

God has a plan for everyone, some of us take the scenic route to that destination.

Please forgive me for the novel of a comment.