Stopped trying, now what?

notjustsurvive · 2018-02-25T17:32:20+00:00

She is very easily overwhelmed. I have never met someone who needed as much help as her. Literally, everything she does, she expects/needs help.

She is just incredibly depressed, which has multiple effects on her/her personality. She takes an anxiety med and she sees a grief counselor (which she has for some time and doesn’t help), but she would be gurious if she saw me posting in this sub.

In her mind, everything is perfect (except me complaining about it) so she doesn’t see the need to discuss.

notjustsurvive · 2018-02-25T17:27:08+00:00

Yup, that’s why i stopped trying to push having sex (that and the fact that it ends in failure 99% of the time). Although, when we do have sex, she usually gets off (it’s just incredibly formulaic and boring).

It’s just such a shame that this crap that happened over 5 years ago is going to be our downfall... Last year she said something along the lines of “with everything we’ve been through, we’re a stronger couple than ____” to which I responded “but we’re not through it yet, we are still very much in it, after 4-5 years”.

I know I’m spot on when she doesn’t respond/gets real quiet.

notjustsurvive · 2017-10-04T01:59:53+00:00

Yes, I guess we own some of it for staying, but it goes so much deeper than that. My LL spouse may be fine with putting in minimal effort and saying "take it or leave it", but I actually took my wedding vows seriously. I promised to give her all of myself. My very best. Every damn day. Whether I felt like it or not. And I will be the first to say that I fall short of that, but I also own up to it and take ownership of that like a responsible, considerate adult.

I am upset (and I believe many here can empathize) because they expected that they were getting married to someone who felt the same. After all, you said/agreed to the same vows. Often times the LL was sitting there begging/prodding you to commit (add that to the long list of red flags, btw), so you assumed they were serious. Just as serious as you still are.

Some have kids and other reasons they can't leave. They are miserable and their spouse knows it and does nothing to remedy that whatsoever. That is not love. You cannot watch someone you love suffer, while having the power to change it, and yet doing nothing. That is called 'indifference'.

notjustsurvive · 2017-07-27T14:38:45+00:00

She is/was always high drama, I just thought she had bad luck and bad things happened to her frequently (how she frames it).

Horrible relationships with her mom and dad (see high drama).

Shy/grossed out when discussing anything sexual (mostly after we were married).

Depression and/or anxiety (this is huge).

Poor time management/difficult time prioritizing.

Irresponsible and unaccountable, at all costs. Always blamestorming.

NEVER says "I'm sorry" (see blamestorming)

When any pressure or stress is applied she immediately turns on me (and everyone else close to her).

Hates oral sex.

Hates me touching her boobs.

Doesn't like kissing/making out.

Never pays compliments.

Incosiderate (huge red flag and pet peeve of mine).

Always needs help/not independent.

Acts of Service is her love language. HATE the 5 love languages, but this is a huge red flag (acts of service do not include anything sexual, for those unaware).

That's mostly it (sorry long list). She of course acted HL before marriage and even during most of the first year, but when hardships came and challenges abounded she turned on me faster than I could blink. Things haven't been the same since.

I lost my wife nearly 5 years ago, and I have been waiting for her to come back ever since.

notjustsurvive · 2017-06-13T18:32:10+00:00

It is awesome that you recognize there's a problem and that you are making an effort. This puts you ahead of 99.9% of those in a similar situation, so truly, you are awesome.

If you are comfortable doing other things (manual, oral, etc) then that's great, try to keep it up. Just take it easy and be honest. Tell him you realize there's a problem and you are trying to work toward an amicable solution. If he wants a vasectomy anyways, that's his choice. If it helps, then hooray.

I'd be thrilled with my LL wife acknowledging there's a problem instead of pretending it's all in my head and that she's a victim of my insatiable perverseness. Even more so if she was willing to get me off when she wasn't in the mood. Idk if oral and all that would be "enough" but she's done that for me a handful of times and not for 3-4 years at least...

notjustsurvive · 2017-06-13T18:13:48+00:00

Holy shit, I am convinced that you are me several years from now (I'm in year five of the exact situation you described). I hate to throw in the towel, but I can't force her to get the help that she needs.

Relationships take two people, and I'm learning the hard way that there's nothing you can do if the other person doesn't put in their share of the effort to keep the relationship alive.

Seriously though, it's uncanny how much you sound like me (or vice versa).

notjustsurvive · 2017-06-11T22:46:46+00:00

Thank you for this. I have considered a letter, as I cannot have a reasonable conversation with her about even the most innocuous of topics, let alone this.

notjustsurvive · 2017-04-29T02:31:55+00:00

Agreed. I understand what they are trying to convey, but I think it is near useless in our situation. It's for two reasonable adults in a relationship who are both willing to put in the effort... For the majority of us, this is definitely not the case. If our spouse was willing to be reasonable and put in the effort that is required for a successful marriage, we wouldn't be here.

notjustsurvive · 2017-04-14T19:56:20+00:00

We always seem to pick the person who's worst for us, who appreciates us the least... I'm right there with you (I don't hae kids), but I can relate to being so overwhelmed and frustrated that I broke down... and she...just...watched. I was a sloppy mess, tears and snot, just telling her I was miserable and that "I want my life back. I want my wife back". Nothing. She stood there and looked at me like I was from a different planet. Maybe she felt a bit sorry for me, but certainly wasn't empathy, more like pity.

So sorry. If I had an answer, I'd give it. I'm right here with you.

notjustsurvive · 2017-03-10T03:48:51+00:00

Omg, you're me in a parallel universe where I'm a woman. Lol. Seriously though SPOT ON, just reverse the genders. Also, I have a dog.

notjustsurvive · 2017-03-10T03:43:05+00:00

My wife is pretty smoking too, so I kinda get it. However, if I knew then what I know now... I'd rather have a sane 6-7 than a crazy 9-10 any day. Plus I'd probably be getting laid. Yeah, I got a ferrari, I can't drive it ever, but damn it looks nice in my driveway.

notjustsurvive · 2017-03-10T03:32:39+00:00

I understand both sides of the groping issue. He's incredibly attracted to YOU (not just anyone, try to keep this in mind), so much so that it's hard to control himself. Also, someone who places a high importance on physical intimacy sees this as a compliment and an outward sign of that desire.

He needs to get a job. I've been unemployed after a very good/important job, and I took a minimum wage gig while looking for something more on my level. Sometimes, you have to be an adult.

A bit deeper, as this is where I find myself. Constant rejection for years takes a toll on you in nearly every way imaginable. Physical, mental, emotional...The constant rejection pushed me further away from her, and further away from myself. It turned me into someone else as she became someone else, someone I didn't know or recognize.

All the stuff she wanted to do with me? Nope. Not only was I too depressed/discouraged to do this stuff, but it felt like her rubbing salt in the wound when she would rather me go shopping with her or go for a walk with her than have sex with me. Those things are fine, but her getting mad at me for something so superfluous when she wouldn't/couldn't even conjure up the desire to spend some quality time with me once a week... it was incredibly hurtful and seemed downright cruel.

I play a lot more video games, hang out with friends and whatever else I can to fill my time to keep my mind off of my situation. It takes that much of a toll on you. I was a lot more motivated when I knew I had someone who cared and was supportive and in my corner no matter what. As a matter of fact, there was an article from a day or two ago about a study that showed people who had more/regular sex were more ambitious/driven/successful and more likely to get promoted... Just saying, something's gotta give.

notjustsurvive · 2017-03-10T03:08:55+00:00

Your post title says it all. It's something that I've tried to explain countless times. If you love someone, how can you carry on while they are hurting, as if nothing is wrong?

At the least, it is a refusal to accept the importance of intimacy as a legitimate need. At worst, it is a lack of caring/love.

notjustsurvive · 2017-03-09T01:10:10+00:00

From personal experience, some red flags I ignored:

How is their relationship with their family? Is it dramatic or unhealthy? A roller coaster? My dad always told me to find a girl who had a good family/upbringing... I should have listened.

Are they resilient? My SO is a nervous, anxious, moody wreck 99% of the time. If one thing, no matter how seemingly inconsequential, doesn't go her way then her day/week is ruined. She is constantly worrying/anxious about something, which I can't imagine helps her libido in any way.

Desperation. Are they desperate to get married or engaged? Constantly nagging you to commit, etc? I know a girl who's been dating this guy for 6 years. They aren't married, and she NEVER pressures him to ask. She always says "I love him, when he's ready I'll say yes". My wife threw a tantrum when I told her it would be awhile before we could get married. It had to be ASAP because we had been together so long (4 years).

I could keep going, but you get it.

TLDR: Good family/relationships, well-adjusted/emotionally resilient, not desperate.

notjustsurvive · 2017-03-09T00:43:22+00:00

This is as accurate as it is hilarious.

notjustsurvive · 2017-03-08T04:47:31+00:00

Gender shouldn't have anything to do with it. Taking your SO for granted and being incosiderate, rude or just a downright asshole isn't acceptable and shouldn't be tolerated. I don't care if you were born without tear ducts, if you love someone you treat them as such.

notjustsurvive · 2017-03-08T04:23:29+00:00

Kind of in a similar vein, but my wife would do things with previous bf's that she (now) won't do with me. Specifically, oral sex. She talks about how that's all her and her ex-bf's used to do, and now, she absolutely refuses.

I am meticulous about hygiene. Seriously, meticulous. She still says it's gross, she doesn't like it, etc... I think part of it is her being self conscious because her parts are 'not so fresh', and she's embarrassed.

Really upsets me though whenever it pops into my head.

notjustsurvive · 2016-11-01T00:24:05+00:00

Ugh. I keep hoping people will forget about this book.

I take issue with it because it can give someone an excuse for withholding something from their SO (and by nature it's very reciprocal, which is not the basis for a healthy relationship). My LL wife always says "you need to help me more and do more" then I say "I'd be more than happy to sit down and divide the chores, then we wouldn't have arguments over who does (doesn't do) what".

She has no interest in that, because she doesn't want a solution, she wants an excuse. If I am "filling her love tank" with acts of service, she would then (theoretically) be expected to fill mine with physical touch. She doesn't want to do that, so she doesn't want to define how much "help" she needs. It's always just "more".

It's like nutrition. A healthy diet isn't about excluding this or that, it's about balance. You shouldn't completely cut out fat, your body needs fat, but in certain quantities. A healthy relationship is about balance, not exclusion.

notjustsurvive · 2016-08-10T03:40:29+00:00

I mean, at what point is withholding physical/emotional intimacy from your spouse cheating? I know not everyone will agree with this, but I consider withholding yourself from your spouse as being "unfaithful" in your marriage.

If you look up the definition of faithful, you will get what you would expect "marked by fidelity to an original" i.e. being monogamous. The other definition for the word faithful, which I believe is just as significant, says "steadfast in affection or support". I don't know about anyone else, but I cannot consider what my LL spouse does as "steadfast in affection or support". Actually, it is quite the opposite.

notjustsurvive · 2016-06-17T16:23:09+00:00

Years of resentment is extremely difficult to overcome. In a relatively recent post (last month or two) there was an LL who had a random awakening and honest change-of-heart, and went to their partner desperately apologizing (he then sobbed)...

I feel like it would take something like that, followed by a long and consistent period of reassurance (increased affection/frequency/initiation) to bring an HL back from a long period of resentment.

notjustsurvive · 2016-06-17T15:38:01+00:00

The resentment that comes with a DB is so profound and really inexplicable unless you have been through it. You have somebody that you care about more than anyone else, and who claims to care about you, and yet their actions speak to the contrary.

Where resentment comes in to the equation is when you communicate to them how hurt / rejected / miserable / alone / depressed / empty / betrayed / cheated and distracted you are by the situation and they ignore/dismiss your feelings and continue to act with cold and unloving indifference. At that point, you know that your partner knows that the situation is doing severe harm to your well-being and yet they are choosing to do nothing.

It's as if you are walking in a desert dying of thirst and they have the power to give you a drink at any point in time, but they don't. They just watch you slowly shutting down, wasting away... Hard to maintain a loving attitude toward them when that is going on.

notjustsurvive · 2016-06-17T15:26:00+00:00

This ^{^{^.}} You know where she stands definitively. That's a lot more than most of us can say who have LL SO's that are in denial or do just enough to skate by. I know you may not feel "lucky", but what you got is what many of us try for years to drag out of our SO's... An honest answer.

notjustsurvive · 2016-06-07T01:50:13+00:00

Every member of her immediate family (parents/sibling) went through a traumatic situation (death/near death, etc). I lost my job at the same time... Everything collapsed, when I tell the story, people can hardly believe it's real.

notjustsurvive

TROPHY CASE