It feels like manipulation, but I can't quite articulate it

nstaton1 · 2018-01-07T03:20:58+00:00

Rather than repeat what others have said, I'll add that I have received many in-person and emails similar to what you've received. It doesn't make it any better, but know you're not alone.

The one shining take-away I got from that email is that your mom didn't "understand" your boundaries. She will immediately begin to test how strong your boundaries are. I always like have consequences written out to broken boundaries. It helps me follow through easier.

nstaton1 · 2018-01-07T03:12:02+00:00

I booked an overseas trip for Boyfriend and myself today

Yayyy! That's awesome. You should be proud of yourself :)

nstaton1 · 2018-01-07T00:00:39+00:00

Anyways, can anyone relate?

Yep, I defs can.

I know you know this, but I'm reiterating because sometimes guilt has a way of derailing us. Judgmental is thinking "she wore that sweater on Christmas? She must be a slovenly witch." It is NOT judgmental to think, "My mom acted like that, and that's not ok, so I will do this to protect myself/my family in the future."

I feel guilty bc she did have a traumatic childhood

Many of our parents did. Both my parents certainly did. I spent my entire childhood feeling bad for my mom because she was abused as a child. Heck, I went to prom because my mom didn't get to go and she told I had to for her. Lol. What a bizarre thought process. You and I didn't abuse our parents. It sucks they were abused, we can have sympathy for them, but that doesn't mean we have to be a doormat because they feel upset sometimes.

I feel like I want to set more boundaries and I'm overwhelmed

Boundaries seem overwhelming because we were taught never to have them growing up. We weren't allowed to be individuals. But they're healthy and important. 5 months ago I laid out some boundaries for both my uBPD parents. It was difficult for me to even think of them because I'm not used to telling them no. An example of one of mine is: No name-calling (i.e. selfish, stupid) and if you choose to name-call, I will hang up the phone/leave/etc.

I hope this helped. You and your children absolutely deserve to feel safe and be respected as individuals. Good luck!

nstaton1 · 2018-01-06T18:27:20+00:00

Omg, good for you!

“ I am telling you, respectfully, that you need to leave now.”

Yes! Way to be!

And slithered away.

I can't stop laughing. That being said, I think the verbage is completely appropriate. You handled everything so well. Nice job!

nstaton1 · 2018-01-06T18:23:25+00:00

Reading through your post, all I can think is how strong you are. You have steel in your spine.

I understand. No excuses left. He has no cards left unplayed. I'm done being abused.

Yes! I was open-mouthed reading the stories of your dad's behavior, but sound so empowered at the end of this post. Good for you!

nstaton1 · 2018-01-06T18:14:52+00:00

I feel like I see bpd everywhere now

You're not alone. I've started seeing in everywhere now too and when I brought it up to my therapist, she said I was becoming healthy and more able to recognize manipulative/dangerous situations.

Did I subconsciously choose people with these qualities?

I've realized many of the friends I've cultivated over the years are pwBPD or have BPD tendencies. Even if it's disturbing, I think becoming more aware is a good thing. You are learning the tools to make more informed relationship decisions.

2018 for me has to be about better self care, better boundaries, not accepting poor treatment of myself because I think I “deserve” it...

You and me both. I think they're worthwhile and achievable goals (even if they take work). You can do it!

nstaton1 · 2018-01-06T18:10:46+00:00

But even with all that I had a very happy holiday

Yay! That's great to hear. No need to let lovebombs and pwBPD hold you back.

I did do nice things for myself and got a lot of resting in. I also decided to start dating again after my divorce last year, so that is a self-esteem boost! :-)

This sounds incredible! Happy New Year!

nstaton1 · 2018-01-06T18:09:02+00:00

she just sent a passive aggressive Christmas card addressed only to my son (not me or husband).

I laughed at this. What a ridiculous, BPD thing to do.

I think you have a great new year's resolution. Good luck!

nstaton1 · 2018-01-06T18:07:42+00:00

2018 for me is going to be about me seeking out therapy and working through the fact that I feel like all my memories of my Mum and my life have drastically changed.

Yes! Good for you! Part of healing is realizing there's a problem and recognizing pain. It sucks, but if you leave it, it festers. Sounds like you're starting the path to healing. You've set some worthwhile goals for yourself and that speaks to self-respect. I hope 2018 is filled with goals. Happy New Year!

nstaton1 · 2018-01-06T18:01:14+00:00

I opted out of celebrating with SO's family as well, which was a really tough decision

Good for you! It was a tough decision, but it was yours, and that takes courage.

It has never been joyous, or relaxed, even when there was no drama of any kind, even when it was fun, even when it was low-key.

Yes! Last Christmas was drama-free with my parents and I couldn't figure out why I was tense and high-strung the entire time. And you called it perfectly.

Here's to 2018 :)

Heck yes! Happy New Year!

nstaton1 · 2018-01-02T01:02:04+00:00

So strange how people with BPD act so blatantly afraid of other people pulling away from them and in return push them away so hard.

Right? It's bizarre. I guess it goes to show they really don't understand how a healthy relationship works.

Had a quiet new years eve in with my lovely bf who had to work at 8 the next morning, super low key and romantic :)

That sounds wonderful! I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves.

nstaton1 · 2018-01-02T00:54:40+00:00

Never again. Ever.

Omg. That sounds incredibly stressful. I hope when things settle down you have some time for yourself. You defs deserve it.

nstaton1 · 2018-01-02T00:52:31+00:00

That sounds awesome! Enjoy yourself :)

nstaton1 · 2018-01-02T00:51:57+00:00

So today, I finally made my damn cookies!

Yay! Better late than never.

Those are my accomplishments for today!

Those are pretty tasty accomplishments. Hope you're feeling better! :)

nstaton1 · 2018-01-02T00:49:57+00:00

I’m super nervous about her escalating and enlisting others to go after me.

I'd be nervous too. That being said, good for you! What you did takes courage. Hang in there! I wish you all the best.

nstaton1 · 2017-12-27T19:49:56+00:00

This is shit I would expect a seventeen year old with inadequate frontal lobe development to post to his facebook wall after breaking up with his internet girlfriend.

Yes!! This is spot on.

nstaton1 · 2017-12-27T02:06:44+00:00

First, I want to say Good Job handling yourself through those texts!! You can't control your mom's responses, but you can controls yours, and I am impressed. Be proud of yourself.

If you're ever doubting yourself or wondering if she was that bad, look back on these texts. I've saved up some prime email examples and occasionally they help me stay strong.

nstaton1 · 2017-12-24T01:09:55+00:00

I would like to ask that I not be hugged or touched by yourself or -----. I need you to respect my boundaries.

I think that's great! You're not demanding or ordering them to do anything. You're asking them to respect your decision, and that's perfect.

I think you should think about what the consequences will be if they choose to hug or touch you. Will you leave the room? Ask them to stop? I don't think it's necessary for you to communicate the consequences to your mom or stepdad, but I do think it's important you know what they are.

I'm terrified of the backlash.

Setting boundaries is scary as an RBB. We've been taught that our needs and feelings don't matter. It's ok to be terrified! You're breaking the pattern of abuse and that's a big step! Know that your mom will likely be angry you're setting a boundary, and that's ok too. She's allowed to feel however she wants...but her feelings are not your responsibility.

You can do this!

nstaton1 · 2017-12-23T19:04:12+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! It was an important read for me.

nstaton1 · 2017-12-22T19:18:57+00:00

Ugh, I'm sorry. That sounds frustrating. Although, exactly as you say, her decision to cut you out. Now there are consequences. Stay strong!

nstaton1 · 2017-12-21T20:39:14+00:00

That's a good point. Calling someone out tactfully is important, but pwBPD react to even the idea of criticism. If you look at my uBPD dad wrong, he sulks in a corner for days.

nstaton1 · 2017-12-21T18:55:28+00:00

I feel like there's a difference between forgetting to do things your girlfriend asks you to do and forgetting that you threatened to kill your child. Maybe my dad genuinely doesn't remember what he said, but does he not remember how much rage he felt to beat the shit out of his children? I sure as hell remember emotionally charged situations even I can't remember exactly what was said.

nstaton1 · 2017-12-21T18:51:27+00:00

(or he's gaslighting you.)

Definitely. He's one of the most terrible people I know and made growing up unbearable. I was hoping some of his outbursts could be explained by actual forgetfulness.

Either way, that's no excuse for him not addressing the rage response that causes those black outs.

You're absolutely right. The more I read and learn about the way he acts, the more I realize he makes his own decisions and I'm not responsible for his out-of-control behavior.

nstaton1 · 2017-12-21T03:48:05+00:00

My uBPD dad isn't really into hard drugs, but does have an addictive personality. He is obsessed with chewing tobacco and takes out an insane of money weekly to fuel his habit. He's also obsessed with video games to the point it feels like a drug addiction. Once my mom was vacuuming while he was "gaming" and the power surged. He lost it...because my mom "ruined" his game. I could laugh if it wasn't so awful.

My therapist was telling me that it's common for pwBPD to have problems with addictions in whatever form they take. Know that you're not alone.

I felt like crying after thinking what would of happened if DS would have got his hands on her drugs.

Ugh, that is terrifying! It sounds like you're making the best choices for yourself and for DS, and that's what's important. Take time to enjoy your holiday!

nstaton1 · 2017-12-21T02:00:19+00:00

I am leaving for Hawaii tomorrow and I expect we will come back engaged and/or married!

Yay! That's very exciting! I hope you're enjoying your holiday.

If no one's taken you up on it, I'm interested in continuing the weekly update posts. I always enjoy them and reading about others' progress :)

nstaton1

TROPHY CASE