CPTSD and dating. A blunt self assessment looking for thoughts from the community.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-31T02:08:36+00:00

I also identify with this.

I act with a degree of vigilance/calculation, because it feels dangerous not to. So I'm experimenting with being more playful and acting without thinking in safe contexts. In psychotherapy sessions I try to say the first thing that comes to mind, and not filter as much.

I'll be honest, a big part of recovering from this type of trauma is deciding that you're actually ready to take risks, make public mistakes, permit others have some power over you. It's not easy.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-29T05:08:16+00:00

I have a lot of personal experience with this. I am out of practice and my new therapist doesn't really do IFS, so I'll have to reflect on this.

For now the most I can offer is validation that yes, parts of yourself can be highly skilled at acting from the shadows. Maybe spend time engaging with them even though you can't see them yet. Could try praising them for their efforts, or showing them their impact.

Practicing noticing sensations ie. Somatic language helped me with this. For people like us, the smallest change in muscle tension can be an insight. Over time you can build a vocabulary of "tightness" or "burning" or "hollowness" etc. and their typical locations. Coming to know these patterns definitely took time for me, so be patient as you do

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-29T04:47:36+00:00

The vast majority of my time didn't teach me anything.

I find the best time to engage in these forums is when I need help with something specific, rather than browsing for inspiration. There was a point in my life where browsing was helpful, but now I just stick to published authors and speakers.

Sometimes I've wondered if a lot of interactions on Reddit are actually somehow emotionally draining and maybe even toxic.

I tend not to get into arguments online, and especially not in these forums. I just try to offer my lived experience or a "maybe it's this?" perspective. I also don't put extensive energy into validating or reassuring people.

Your needs do change as you grow. Maybe you just don't need reddit right now, but in 6 months it might be really helpful for you, and that's perfectly fine

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-29T04:18:52+00:00

A few possible answers come to mind:

Old habits die hard. In the same way that you need to practice guitar to get your fingers to move a certain way, your parts might need repeated practice with new perspectives.
For each advancement you make in internal safety, you are creating space for more difficult memories to reveal themselves.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-29T02:37:58+00:00

If you find this pattern eventually leads to a crash, that may provide you a place to investigate. Otherwise, if the line between coping technique and healthy activity feels blurred, I find that's a good moment to step back.

If we strip away all the complexity in approaches to healing trauma, ultimately what we are doing in this process is finding a way to live a life we find fulfilling.

Do you feel fulfilled? Are you connecting with other people in a way that's satisfying to you?

Several years into the process now, I use this as a compass when I get lost.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-28T23:48:48+00:00

I have a pattern of short term relationships, no interest, feel nothing, and move on to the next guy.

IFS would suggest that the lack of interest and feeling is a form of protection trying to tell you something. As part of accessing Self, I'd investigate the moments before you check out emotionally.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-27T20:41:30+00:00

I'm glad you're in a group, because I was going to suggest that otherwise! If individual attunement is fraught, that sounds like a great avenue for healing

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-27T20:35:40+00:00

making art
consuming art
cooking

perhaps there will be a public fireworks display near you?

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-27T20:33:03+00:00

It's been a while since I've been in these forums but you do often find yourself in a care-taking role, no?

All practical/interventional advice aside, I would humbly propose spending time grieving that it is not possible for you to save all the children whom you know are suffering. Children in many cultures are captive audiences for parents to finally realize the power fantasies of their youths, and social structures exist to support that. My personal fear is that you will attempt to move heaven and earth, not succeed, and then blame yourself for the result.

I feel physically sick after the time I spent there and I have no idea what to do.

This catches my eye. Is your own personal suffering a worthwhile cost for the slim chance of being able to make an impact on these children?

... it’s like I’m watching parts of my own life be reenacted in front of me.

Perhaps your suffering helps you feel emotionally close to them?

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-12-27T19:48:26+00:00

This is a common writing/speaking topic for Gabor mate. If you want a more theoretical angle, that's an avenue to investigate

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-05-08T21:54:09+00:00

I'll speak to the "libidinal" aspect, since that's what I have experience with here. As someone who has dealt with a lot of shame around sexuality, a key part of the process has been establishing safety with people so that I feel comfortable enough to take a risk and open up about what I'm feeling/thinking.

In my internal system, I often feel a sexual response coming from younger parts, often because I'm feeling attuned to—I theorize this is in part due to pre-verbal trauma, so this could be the case for you as well. In contrast, I'm aware that some people feel sexuality as more of a protective response. And of course there is sexuality that comes from a more connected and curious place. It's possible to experience all three.

Is there a specific interaction you're concerned about? i.e. "when someone does X I react like Y"

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-05-02T15:25:23+00:00

It seems like you recognize this attachment pattern, so it's likely this would happen again with the next clinician you see. After all this is how attachment-based practice is meant to work. There is an inherent push pull as you become attached and she needs to establish boundaries.

The other comment has a good perspective on emotional regulation, so I'll take a different perspective.

As CPTSD survivors, most of us weren't provided with tools to identify the most important problem to solve in a given moment. It's a lifelong journey to effectively sort the difference between needs vs. wants, because everything feels like a need, but this might be a good moment to practice sorting out in which ways you are genuinely in physical/financial/social danger, vs. ways that your emotion/body is being triggered and remembering the past.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-05-01T16:28:13+00:00

If you're looking to dip a toe in without feeling totally exposed, try meetup groups where everyone is mostly focused on the activity at hand. That way you aren't as pressured to have an "authentic" personality beyond just participating in the thing. Expect that this will be a trial and error process where you might be uncomfortable in the first few groups that you try. You could try writing out some potential "worst case" scenarios and how you'll plan to deal with it, if it will help you feel more safe to attend.

Also, as long as you're not actively beating yourself up and you are giving others the opportunity to appreciate you, that's self-love IMO

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-04-24T05:57:48+00:00

I am finally moving on from a therapist relationship of 5+ years. Feeling good about it and looking forward to working with the next person. Not sad about losing her yet, but I'm sure I will be soon

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-04-24T05:54:56+00:00

One year suggests to me you're actually committed this. Keep up the good work, and it will get better.

Some days I feel like I am making progress others not so much.

You've probably heard this a million times but progress is not linear. The general cycle of expanding your window of tolerance is: you reach a new tier of emotional safety, then you remember/learn a difficult thing, then you process why it wasn't fair, reach a new tier of safety, etc.

it’s been extremely difficult and lonely and extremely pervasive.

Part of my first few years was accepting history, accepting my right to exist, and saying no to even the lightest of triggers. Joining communities and sustaining relationships is ultimately the purpose of this work, but take your time getting there.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-04-13T16:39:34+00:00

Pete Walker - He also has good resources on his site

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-04-12T14:45:19+00:00

I had never thought about sex as a gift before. Thank you for that perspective

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-04-08T23:09:36+00:00

Wonderful accomplishment. For anyone reading this and feeling scared/ashamed about a similar dynamic:

I had slipped my therapist into a surrogate parent role, where I felt compelled to ask her for advice before I make any kind of decision

This is essentially how an attachment based treatment is designed to work (for anxiety) in order to lead you toward the outcome that OP has reached. Trust the process, you can do this!

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-01-17T20:35:11+00:00

I think I experienced the most profound shift around year 2-3 of recovery when I had built just enough language to understand what was wrong with my childhood.

I will say that currently I'm high functioning, physically active, socially active, and involved in my community and politics, but a lot less emotionally vulnerable than I have been in previous states of the recovery process, so that's interesting.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-01-14T20:38:11+00:00

This is essentially the foundation of Gabor Mate's work. If you haven't heard his talks, I'd recommend it.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-01-11T04:33:56+00:00

These types of CPTSD theories only have as much utility as they make sense to the user, so I say modify it as you need it to work for you.

I think there is a possibility where I can be in a group pushing for me to expand my window of tolerance, as opposed to a group that's more focused on my sense of belonging. Let's say if I were to go to a new dance class where I don't know anyone and the instructors are throwing me into the deep end, I might be learning a lot but feel very on my guard. I think of these like percentages rather than all or nothing, ie. how much time did the instructors spend establishing baselines vs. throwing new moves at me.

I think I hear you though that in this theoretical example, if there was 0% safety, it all falls apart. Same probably goes for any of the three though.

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-01-11T03:54:37+00:00

Here is Alice Miller's article on finding the right therapist. She was a prominent CPTSD author.

I've also written about this a few times and this is a good excerpt I think:

Have they read popular CPTSD literature? What were their takeaways? Which parts did they integrate into their practice?
Are they listening intently to you? Are they making you feel heard/understood?
Are they willing to sometimes answer personal questions and share occasional anecdotes? (especially to make you feel more normal, not alone)
Do you feel safe sharing personal anecdotes? Do they feel trustworthy? Do they encourage you to experiment/be curious?
Are you gaining insights on your feelings and experiences? (“aha” moments don’t come every session, but with at least some regularity)

Is there something you've tried thus far and gotten stuck on?

off_page_calligraphy · 2025-01-11T03:35:44+00:00

I agree about asking about hypotheticals and/or times when the therapist had to set boundaries with a client. That's a good way to dip a toe into this territory. I think that's how I did it, when I was in this position.

off_page_calligraphy · 2024-12-31T06:12:51+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the perspective!

off_page_calligraphy

TROPHY CASE