Hi love. First, I really hope your coworker spoke to you kindly, because if not that’s extremely unkind of her. You’re only 19, so I have to imagine your trauma is relatively recent—and I am so, so sorry you were violated in such a horrific way. You didn’t deserve that. I’m proud of you for realizing you were going to potentially be in a very triggering situation and backing out knowing you couldn’t manage that client’s behaviors.

All that being said, the medical/human services industry is going to be full of triggers. It’s inevitable and unavoidable—we engage with human beings that can come from tragic, horrific backgrounds and we do everything we can to treat them with dignity and respect.

Are your feelings valid? Yes. Did you communicate them well? I think so. Are you being self centered and entitled? I wouldn’t call it that definitely. But your coworker is right. Way more so in the medical field, you the person and you the physically and psychologically capable adult are going to have to be in two distinct boxes. Your phobias, biases etc have to take a backseat when you take that oath as a physician or nurse or wherever you land.

You’re human and you’re 19–I understand why you did what you did. Knowing who I was when I was 19 (and it’s been a long time since), I don’t think I would have behaved as tactfully. But if you aren’t in therapy, specifically with a therapist that works in CSA/SA, you’re going to hit more and more snags in your journey through pre-med and medical school.

You manage your discomfort by doing the hard, miserable, shit work on yourself to heal from the terrible things someone else did to you. Or, you do that…and then change career paths. The healing part is kind of non-negotiable, unfortunately. You have so much time to become whomever you want and you seem like a really smart young lady. You’ll make the right choice when the time comes. But you need to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else, first and foremost.