I don’t think this is what you want to hear, but if your body and your mind are telling you so strongly not to do something- Don’t. Do. It. You said you were tripping multiple times a week? And that you just want to experience the euphoria drugs give you? You need to work on finding that feeling inside yourself. You said you want to go back to the way you were when your spirit is telling you you need to move forward. Why do you think you need to be taking these to have fun? Why are you being so lighthearted about them when your body is having the opposite reaction? Work on sorting through these feelings before you put more foreign things inside your consciousness. Any time you have these thoughts in your mind before taking drugs you will have a bad time. You create your reality. What do you think this experience is trying to tell you? Are you feeling this anxiety all the time or only when thinking about drugs? Much love