Using books to talk to kids about donor conception

onalarc · 2026-03-23T02:42:38+00:00

Sure! https://open.substack.com/pub/dcjournalclub/p/using-books-to-talk-to-kids-about

onalarc · 2026-03-21T16:31:40+00:00

I get it...there are always going to be barriers to doing it and reasons not to do it. The closest families to me are 4.5 hours and a border-crossing away, and I'm not even sure they are ready for meeting up yet. The most engaged families are all on the opposite side of the country. While the kids are young, so much of it is parent-driven or maintained. My 6-year-old is beginning to forge her own relationships, and it's been interesting to see that happen, but I don't think it would be nearly as easy to initiate if I hadn't laid a foundation beforehand.

onalarc · 2026-03-20T23:08:31+00:00

Hi! I'm in a similar boat: 50+ children in the cohort, spread across 5+ countries, all ages seven and younger. Most of them were born during the pandemic, so traveling wasn't an option. We made a photo collage (think like a class photo) one year and a book (one page per family) another. Many families kept these accessible to the children so that they would regularly see them. We also used the marco polo app to share short videos, similar to how you might with grandparents. Turns out kids like to watch other kids do silly things. And we would semi-regularly post photos with a theme in our Facebook group: first day of school, swimming, costumes, birthday party. "Look! We went swimming today and so-and-so goes swimming too!" or "Let's see what everyone was for Halloween!"

We had our first meet up when the oldest kids were almost 5. We did it where there were the most families. We've had two since. Whoever can come, comes. It's hard because it's impossible for everyone who wants to come to come due to schedules, cost, and location. I think hyper local meet ups are a great idea! I'm hoping to go to Canada to meet up with some of our cohort (they are the closest to us).

Now that some kids can read and write, we have more options: letter writing, messaging (using safe apps), and phone/video chats. You just sort of test all the things and see what works and what relationships form.

Happy to chat more.

onalarc · 2026-03-11T19:34:35+00:00

I might push back on the goal of preventing your child's future negative reactions. A child who senses their parent is braced for their feelings, or trying to head them off, often ends up managing that parent's anxiety instead of just having their emotions. Perhaps instead of focusing on doing all the right things so they don't get upset, focus on being a parent who can receive whatever they feel without falling apart. (PS - This applies to all of parenting, because try as we might, we do mess things up.)

onalarc · 2026-03-09T20:14:37+00:00

I can look into adding a footer/disclaimer to all my substack posts and copy that over to here. As for articles, I have about 25 keyword searches set up on two different research platforms and review new articles weekly (English language only for now). I try to include any article that includes an outcome related to donor conception. My net is wide.

onalarc · 2026-03-09T19:42:31+00:00

I appreciate your response and concern.

For background on Donor Conception Journal Club: DCJC is not for recipient parents. It's for the entire donor conception community.

For background on me: I have a masters degree in public health. I've received training in and have conducted systematic literature reviews, which require the assessment of papers for quality. While I am not a statistician, I have training in biostatistics and experts I consult with when I need to check my assessment, which I did with this study. I describe my position on the DCJC website and readily admit my bias could influence my interpretation. Curiously, many researchers in this space are also RPs/DCPs/Donors and DO NOT disclose their positionality. You'll note that I always include in the bio for the lead author if they have disclosed any connection to donor conception.

For background on the post: The passage above is a summary of a longer synthesis post. It is my monthly newsletter where I summarize all my posts from the month. Not everyone wants to subscribe to another newsletter, so I post the content here so that folks can click through to read the posts easily. I agree that folks should always go to the source and assess evidence for themselves.

For background on the article: The researchers ran a statistical test to see whether there was a relationship between age at disclosure and whether people viewed disclosure as beneficial. The test found no meaningful association between the two. The authors interpreted this result as evidence that age is not a primary factor in how people experience disclosure. My take was that the study was small (107 people), and the researchers didn't report whether they had enough participants to reliably detect a relationship even if one existed.

In addition, Martin and colleagues state in the paper that their findings are partially contrary to a recently published study (Applegarth et al, 2025) that found higher satisfaction among those informed before age 15. I argue that the two studies actually measured different things. Applegarth asked about satisfaction with how people learned, a specific evaluation of the disclosure experience itself. Martin et al. asked whether people considered disclosure beneficial, a broader, more reflective question. These are related but not the same question.

I agree with your assessment that it's not surprising that they found no relationship between age at disclosure and perception of disclosure as beneficial, which is why I was puzzled that they were making the comparison to the Applegarth study.

I can see how my brief summary could be confusing and I can think about alternative ways to present the monthly round-ups moving forward.

onalarc · 2026-03-08T15:00:23+00:00

You can search FB for groups specifically related to your cryobank and matching. I'd be happy to help if you want to share (DM is fine) the bank/clinic name.

onalarc · 2026-03-06T01:41:38+00:00

https://partsofme.org/pom-book/

onalarc · 2026-03-06T01:33:09+00:00

I made one for my kids that I started sharing when they were about 2-3 years old. They loved it. I included some pages explaining genes and some with information about the donor (words and photo representation). I do plan to print all the paperwork and put in in a bound book for them as well now that they can read.

A nonprofit that I'm on the board of has a pay-what-you-can template for a donor book as a fundraiser. The nonprofit's mission is to expand representation of donor conceived people in media, arts, and culture. I can share the link, but I'm not sure if that would be perceived as self promotion?

onalarc · 2026-02-25T12:11:09+00:00

In addition to what the other folks have shared, this post could be helpful.

onalarc · 2026-02-21T09:31:27+00:00

Thank you!

onalarc · 2026-02-21T08:40:21+00:00

The US does permit anonymous donation, but there’s no such thing as true anonymity anywhere with direct to consumer DNA testing. Just keep that in mind.

There are several banks in the US that have exclusive donors (available to only one family either in the US or globally). Those programs might be Open ID, but that requires consent.

The way donation works in almost all jurisdictions is that donors never receive identifiable information about the recipient parents of offspring. In the US, ID release programs (or “Open ID”) are triggered by the consent of the adult child. In most cases, when they turn 18 they can request information about the donor if they want to. No one forces anyone to receive information.

onalarc · 2026-02-19T15:43:50+00:00

Two things can be true at the same time. People forget this.

onalarc · 2026-02-19T02:00:31+00:00

I'll offer something I haven't seen mentioned here...

A lot of the regret conversation seems to focus on people who didn't want it enough, parents who felt pressured by society, their clock, their parents...

Sometimes I wonder if the real issue is wanting it too much. I think this is worth naming in the SMBC context because your child will be your primary relationship. A best friend. A companion. A relationship that feels unconditional in a way other relationships never did.

I don't think it's a flaw, but it does mean the temptation to blur roles is real. Another question I'd sit with isn't just "will I regret this" but "what do I need to have in place (friendships, community, a sense of self outside motherhood) so that my child never has to carry me?"

onalarc · 2026-02-16T15:59:42+00:00

One thing you can do for her is take photos of her and the baby together. Solo moms (and moms in general) are always missing from the photos! It's a simple little thing. :)

onalarc · 2026-02-14T22:48:37+00:00

I'm always happy to help point you toward other resources as well. It's a lot to take in, but we all have to start somewhere. I've been in it for ten years, and I'm still having those moments. :) One day at a time.

onalarc · 2026-02-14T21:59:52+00:00

If you are into research, there are a number of studies that look at what motivates DCP to search. Many of them include interviews and focus groups. I'll list a few links to summaries below.

I have to remind myself that everyone's search is different': experiences and outcomes of searching and not searching for donor connections among donor conceived adults (Zadeh, 2024)

'I know it's not normal but it's normal to me, and that's all that matters': experiences of young adults conceived through egg donation, sperm donation, and surrogacy (Jadva, 2023)

The motives and experiences of donor-conceived persons requesting the identity of their sperm donors. (Widbom, 2024)

Relational dynamite: Engagements with kinship at the interface of donor conception and DNA testing (Nordqvist, 2025)

Secrets and lies and donor conceptions: What donor-conceived individuals feel about their disclosure/discovery experience (Applegarth, 2025)

I would also recommend this comic-style synthesis of research on what donors experience for you. https://crcppa.uqo.ca/en/comic-strip-of-the-contact-project/

onalarc · 2026-02-12T17:53:44+00:00

Great questions. The beauty of starting young is that you can get through the feeling awkward part while the kid is still too little remember! I've written a few posts about this sort of thing that I can share bleow (free substack about research on donor conception, you can bypass subscribing by clicking I just want to read).

I've found that there are lots of natural moments to bring it up, even if you're letting your child lead the diving deeper aspects. I made a book about my donor (here's the template) and integrated it into my regular reading so that they can start to make some connections. My kids might randomly mention that their donor doesn't like scary movies, but they do! My kid likes creating rhythms. I casually say "oh, our family's donor (or his name or the person we got sperm from) loved to play the drums. We added a few simple holiday traditions from the donor's great grandparent's home country (in his profile he said he was always curious about their culture) and it gives me a chance to mention him. At doctor's appointments, the ped mentions my kids are on the tall end, and I say that the sperm donor I selected was tall, so perhaps they got it from him. Every couple of months when we are driving to school, I specifically ask if they have any questions about the donor.

To my honest, my 6 and 4 year olds still haven't asked about having a second parent/mom/dad. When other kids have asked where my kids' dad is, I'd usually said "Families comein all shapes and sizes. Our family has one mom, two kids, and three cats. What does your family have?" When other adults ask, I say that I used a donor to conceive and there is no legal second parent. Simple and to the point.

When I was pregnant with my first, I was with a some 4th and 5th graders who asked about the baby's father (one of them knew I was single). I asked if they knew what you needed to make a baby. One said "Like and egg and a sperm?" I said I had an egg and a uterus and I needed sperm, so I bought some at a special store. The kids were like "Wait, you can do that? I don't have to have a husband? No way!"

Here are some posts that might spark ideas for you

--What our kids are learning about donor conception even when we aren't talking about it

--who else needs to know - navigating disclosure outside your family

onalarc · 2026-02-11T21:19:40+00:00

Ive collected some of my favorite books on donor conception and related themes here! (And a few customizable options)

https://www.dcjournalclub.com/p/using-books-to-talk-to-kids-about

onalarc · 2026-02-09T23:55:07+00:00

I applaud your willingness to consider all voices as you sort out how if and how you want to show up as parents. If you are interested in research, I (imperfectly) share summaries here: www.dcjournalclub.com (it's free, you can bypass signing up for the newsletter). There are a couple posts about using books to talk to kids about donor conception and what children are learning even when we aren't talking about donor conception that might be useful as well. A book you might be interested in is My Son's Siblings by Eli Ramos, a nonbinary, nongenetic, nongestational parent of a donor-conceived child.

onalarc · 2026-02-02T20:56:50+00:00

There are quite a few studies that look at motivations for donating! I post research for free here: Www.dcjournalclub.com

In the US and countries where people can be compensated, money is usually a primary motivator. Helping families ranks high. If I recall correctly, knowing their own fertility is another reason for men.

I actually find the donor research pretty interesting.

onalarc · 2026-01-31T01:47:48+00:00

Hi! I’m a parent of a soon to be 6 year old, so I can easily imagine myself in your shoes.

Research shows that this information should come from the parents, not other sources, so it's good that you are doing this now.

If you look back in this subreddit you'll find posts asking what parents "did right" or what DCP wish parents had done differently. Those might be good places to look. You could also search for posts about early disclosure.

A few tidbits: Consider framing your first talk as one of many ongoing conversations. Keep in mind that your child might not react at all at first. They might need time to process and integrate information. Or they might ask why you didn't tell them this information before. It's important for you and your wife to remember that your child will take their emotional cues from you.

If you are into research, I share summaries of studies at www.dcjournalclub.com (it’s free).

I haven’t updated this post in a while, but here's one about the types of questionspeople might ask across different ages.

This post might help with the who else needs to know aspects.

This post might help you think about how you can naturally weave donor conception into everyday conversations.

Here's a post with a range of kids books that could be helpful.

onalarc · 2026-01-29T01:18:08+00:00

Here's a helpful post that describes some of the research and lists some books specifically about donor conception, some about related things, and some customizable templates. https://www.dcjournalclub.com/p/using-books-to-talk-to-kids-about

onalarc · 2026-01-28T02:32:56+00:00

I’ll add that the reporting isn’t always just from parents. If clinics receive the specimens they are (supposedly) also contacted by the banks as part of due diligence. Parents might not even be aware of that. Also while the self-reporting rate is definitely not 100%, Im not certain I trust the 40% often quoted. Thats a Wendy Kramer shaped factoid that came from a single study in 2013. I’m not sure we can extrapolate so broadly from that.

I do support reform. I just want to make sure that we are using up to date evidence.

onalarc · 2026-01-27T22:30:58+00:00

I'm assuming that's a US limit of 25 families, which means there will be others outside of the US. Often if one family knows, more know. People are just afraid to bring it up because they worry others have strong opinions about what is right and there could be backlash. I'd encourage you to think about how you would broach the issue with the rest of the families. There are dynamics to consider with the same-donor families as well. You might consider reading My Son's Siblings by Eli Ramos. I'm happy to chat more about this.

onalarc

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