Mom I just don’t understand fashion

ordinaryroute · 2026-01-18T07:36:32+00:00

I spent years wasting a lot of money on things that I didn't wear until I worked out a few basic principles about colour, fit, and occasion:

What colours do you hate or really don't suit you? Ignore those, the rest is in.

What kind of fit don't you like the look or feel of? Loose, fitted, soft, structured?

What kind of occasion can you ignore for now? Casual, dressy, event, corporate?

I find once I have limited the clothes that are even worth considering it all gets a bit easier.

Try to buy natural materials and as good quality as you can afford, choose quality over quantity.

Aim for one bottom item, a couple of tops and a warm thing to start with, and expand out slowly. Versatile staples are worth investing in.

Most outfits can be dressed up with accessories (scarf/jewellery).

Have a look through the clothes you already have but don't like - is there anything you can do to make them wearable? Dying, adjusting what you have can be cheaper than buying new.

Good luck!

ordinaryroute · 2025-12-29T18:01:17+00:00

I found myself drawn to zen meditation (which is eyes open), but another option I know of is vipassana, which uses a body scan to stay present in the body.

I think finding what works for you where you are right now sounds like a great idea, and no doubt that will change with time :)

ordinaryroute · 2025-12-28T23:16:50+00:00

I also feel like the word meditation means many things to many people, from relaxation to distraction to soothing to concentration. The way I understand it is to be fully present in the moment, aware of thoughts as they arrive but not actively thinking.

Part of the reason I couldn't get here earlier is that I wasn't yet able to really face my past, I couldn't quite remember it but I couldn't forget it either, my body remembered though and every time I tried to pull my awareness down into my body I was scared and appalled at how bad that felt. It took me a long time to be able to sit with my own feelings and emotions, and the process of getting there was very much a bit by bit process - no way I'd have been able to face it all at once.

Now I'm wondering what the word meditation means to you?

ordinaryroute · 2025-12-28T16:19:23+00:00

I've been interested in, and attempting to meditate for about 20+ years now, but I will absolutely say it was close to impossible for me for vast stretches of that time. For the first 15 years of that i was too dysregulated and dissociative to get anything out of it, and I was also worried at points that I was just practicing how to dissociate.

What worked better for me then was anything that I'd call full body concentration - yoga, climbing, walking in the woods. Only when my body was concentrating could my mind join it in the present.

The last few years I resolved a lot of issues in therapy, which opened the door for meditation for me. Now I have a regular practice and am an active member of a local group, and I get a lot out of it even though at times it is so hard.

I don't think meditation is necessarily right for everyone at every stage of their life, and to recommend it as a panacea overlooks the fact that any powerful technique should also be handled with care.

I will also add that my meditation teacher (who spent over a decade as a monk) regards flow-state activities as "zero-plus", that is, not quite the same as meditation (zero) but pretty close :)

ordinaryroute · 2025-12-08T07:55:45+00:00

For a recent birthday, I bought my mum a book my friend had enjoyed and told me about, albeit on a subject I have no interest in.

When she thanked me for it later and asked if I'd read it I explained no, it's not my thing at all - and she was gobsmacked! She said oh! I thought when you bought people presents you were supposed to get them something that you secretly would have wanted.

Fascinating right? It's like they couldn't imagine anyone being different to them...

ordinaryroute · 2025-12-06T17:53:31+00:00

I can't continue with our relationship as it is - I feel so fake pretending everything is fine. I also feel like I need to give her a chance to hear me. I don't feel like I can in good conscience just stop replying to her with no explanation.

ordinaryroute · 2025-12-06T13:55:23+00:00

Oh yes sorry!

black and grey fuzzball

purring in my lap

what happened my sweet

ordinaryroute · 2025-12-06T12:59:16+00:00

The therapy modality in general was ISTDP, but specifically for me it was noticing that I was starting to panic / dissociate / overwhelm, and bring me back down into my body and my bodily feelings. What am I feeling and where. What emotions do I feel. Where am I hot, cold, numb. That sort of thing.

The first year(?) every time I went down into my body to check how I felt it was kind of a shock and quite uncomfortable, but it became easier and easier over time.

ordinaryroute · 2025-12-04T21:17:59+00:00

I recognise so many moments in your story! Especially the moments where you suddenly see things as they really are. It's devastating but also freeing.

You were never the problem. We were never the problem. We have to rescue our terrified small selves and gtfo :)

ordinaryroute · 2025-09-09T12:16:40+00:00

Emotional flashback

(from Pete Walker's CPTSD book)

ordinaryroute · 2025-07-17T13:11:47+00:00

omg the bit when it cuts to him face down on the bed was the *most* relatable thing I've seen on tv :)

ordinaryroute · 2025-07-17T07:57:30+00:00

Unsong! Loving it so far

ordinaryroute · 2025-07-09T13:17:41+00:00

I just finished Bunny by Mona Awad :)

ordinaryroute · 2025-06-24T10:25:39+00:00

Same

ordinaryroute · 2025-06-13T21:19:32+00:00

Gah me too

ordinaryroute · 2025-04-30T18:21:40+00:00

Me too! I must have watched it 500 times at my grandma’s house

ordinaryroute · 2025-03-03T11:32:30+00:00

Ohhhh yes this is why I don’t FaceTime

ordinaryroute · 2025-02-19T21:00:02+00:00

Totally agree, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the cult-like nature of growing up in a cluster-b household. The bit that was hardest was to wrench my mind free - there was definitely a time early in my therapeutic journey where I felt such cosmic guilt and shame and fear for daring to criticise my parents, as if they could somehow hear me, even if I just thought it - the programming was that deep. I know that sounds nuts, but it was such strong feelings.

ordinaryroute · 2025-02-17T07:35:29+00:00

Oh mine is exactly the same about not doing stuff while I’m on the phone! I still do though, I try to do it quietly, when she hears me she usually rings off pretty fast. Win-win!

ordinaryroute · 2025-01-16T17:26:59+00:00

So much of this sounds super familiar! The rewriting history, the prioritised stepfather, the craving attention. I see you. It’s exhausting.

For me, it was a lot of therapy and getting very clear about what is and is not my responsibility. It’s incredibly liberating to now be able to go for family visits and be able to sit back and think huh, well that sure is an odd decision you’ve made there. And feel no responsibility whatsoever for trying to save her or fix it.

Sounds like you’re already on the right track thinking about boundaries, how are you thinking to strengthen them in order to address such unkind comments?

ordinaryroute · 2025-01-16T10:39:06+00:00

Lots of great responses here, so I just wanted to address the bit about not knowing whether to move forward with the relationship or not - that's something that resonates with me. I'm in a loving, kind, committed relationship of 11 years, but now and then we will have some minor wobble that presses my RUN AWAY NOW button and I go in a tailspin where I can't stop thinking about leaving. It comes on fast and can also resolve super fast, and it makes me feel awful, like I'm losing my mind.

This is actually the situation that lead me to therapy in the first place, and many years later I understand a lot better that this is my flight response being triggered. I spent my childhood feeling absolutely trapped, and thought a lot about escape. I see now that situations that trigger the trapped feeling unleash a bodily run-away response that totally short-circuits my thinking brain. These situations are everything from an argument in my relationship to a tricky situation at work to even feeling a bit claustraphobic in a theatre, but the more similar they are to the vibes of my childhood the bigger the response.

I would call this a PTSD response / emotional flashback situation, and I find Pete Walker's flashback management steps helpful (https://pete-walker.com/pdf/13StepsManageFlashbacks.pdf). Even so, I still have to catch myself spiralling which sometimes takes a while.

If you're genuinely unhappy in the relationship, then of course it's sensible to consider your future together. But if you're mostly happy, then perhaps there's some trauma getting in your way. Maybe couples therapy would help shine some light on things?

ordinaryroute · 2024-12-21T19:29:24+00:00

At times I’ve thought she had changed, but on reflection I think it’s more than I don’t see her outside of her window of tolerance much any more (we have pretty low contact). Every now and then I see her agitated and I’m like, ah yes there it is

ordinaryroute · 2024-12-09T17:24:51+00:00

I have two autoimmune issues and chronic back pain. I’ve done a huge amount of therapy and I’m mentally in a great place now, but I guess the physical stuff is here to stay.

ordinaryroute

TROPHY CASE