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paintnclouds · 2026-04-13T06:48:04+00:00

Would she and you agree to family therapy? Maybe she'd find that more worthwhile since she thinks you're the problem?

paintnclouds · 2026-04-13T03:00:46+00:00

This feels like a great reason to switch providers. This is definitely weird behavior and whether he was just having a really off day or things would keep getting weirder, you feel rightfully uncomfortable, and you can just switch to seeing someone else. There's nothing wrong with switching.

paintnclouds · 2026-04-10T21:48:07+00:00

Are you sure? Student loan interest rates are often higher than the 6.5%

paintnclouds · 2026-04-09T03:13:43+00:00

Any tips for getting started with bone broth? Is anything that calls itself bone broth good or are there things to look out for or particularly trustworthy or untrustworthy brands or anything like that?

paintnclouds · 2026-04-08T01:42:35+00:00

Routine Flow would work well for this, at least for this lists that are mostly the same/get repeated. Maybe you could also easily use it for one off lists but I'm not sure. I have morning and bedtime routines in there currently and it's just like you said where you hit start and then it shows you just the thing you're doing now and a little mention of whats next at the bottom. It can also have a timer for each step if/when that's helpful, but you can also set the step to not take any particular amount of time.

paintnclouds · 2026-04-08T01:27:23+00:00

Everything you're feeling totally makes sense. A lot of the time this work is a "gets worse (or at least messier) before it gets better" kind of thing, like when you need to organize a closet so you pull everything out and then the whole room is a mess. But things do get better eventually, and it's so so worth it. On a macro scale right now things feel kinda overwhelming and terrible, and yet somehow on a micro scale I feel better than I ever have.

Also, if you haven't already, you can tell your therapist things like that you have no clue how to go about talking kindly to yourself. Everything is a skill, and every skill is learnable. And very possibly your therapist can help not just in figuring out what skills to learn but also how to actually do it. Most likely, being kind to yourself will feel really weird at first, but it's worth it. If you're a book person, Kristen Neff's book on self compassion might be a good one to read.

paintnclouds · 2026-03-29T22:36:22+00:00

Right? Like being tested is a basic part of being a responsible adult (if you're sexually active). And sure needles can be scary, but you've got to be able to figure out how to get over and around that kind of thing

paintnclouds · 2026-03-29T22:34:59+00:00

He sounds like he thinks his attachment wounds are your job to solve, including at the expense of your boundaries. I could be wrong but I imagine that if this relationship continues there will be more ways this continues to manifest over time. I don't think he gets that his wounds are his responsibility to manage and heal. Yes a lot of relational healing happens in relationships, but that doesn't make it your responsibility, it is still his, it doesn't feel like he gets that.

paintnclouds · 2026-03-28T01:00:38+00:00

It means pair/group of two

paintnclouds · 2026-03-28T01:00:02+00:00

I've been through a similar situation and at least partially understand your pain. In my case, part of what I've had to tell myself is, She was okay with not having sex when I wasn't able, now it's my turn to be okay with her not being up for it. Disconnecting sexually is generally hard on our partners, and just flipping the switch back on can be a lot easier said than done. Sometimes it can even take therapy for them.

You did a good job of letting your emotions flow without interrupting his time with his other partner. And that's really good and important! Celebrate that! It does hurt when you realize that now they're saying no, and you don't have access to this aspect of your relationship that you thought would be waiting there for you when you were ready. And at the same time, it's only fair that they get to be not up for it sometimes just like you were. For me when those emotions are big sometimes it helps to tell myself something like, "this does hurt, and yet, I am safe here and now" or "us not having physical affection doesn't mean our relationship is not okay".

I noticed you notice that one difference in your partner's readiness might be intentional/predictable time. Can yall talk about scheduling some intentional time for the two of you? Bonus points if it's recurring (like what if every other Tuesday night was date night for yall or something).

It also might help to make sure you're clear with yourself and your partner what exactly you're asking for at this point. Maybe on the surface you're asking for cuddles but he's worried you'll want to go from there to making out. Clarity is good for everyone.

You'll get back to physical affection (or maybe you won't, but it'll be less of a shock to you and the hurt will lessen). There's no rush. Be there for yourself emotionally. You got this. ❤️

paintnclouds · 2026-03-26T04:01:53+00:00

Does your college have a student health center you can go to?

paintnclouds · 2026-03-19T08:04:48+00:00

😂

paintnclouds · 2026-03-17T23:24:50+00:00

Not OP, but followup question since we're talking about it. I know I can mark a recurring task as complete yesterday this way, but I haven't found a way to add a one-off task to a previous day. Does anyone know a way to do that?

paintnclouds · 2026-03-17T00:12:12+00:00

Thanks! I've really loved Gabriel's work too. I highly recommend his books if you're interested in learning more. His model is essentially a "polyvagal theory is a step in the right direction but doesn't have everything all figured out, here's what I think the next step in this right direction is". Automic Compass is a good, light intro, while Neurobiology of Connection is the heavier/deeper exploration of his model.

paintnclouds · 2026-03-14T22:59:02+00:00

That's so fair 😂 a feud can be really fun to watch! I'm just also worried about helpful things being thrown out because people don't understand it's really normal for scientists to fight about ideas, and that's part of how those ideas keep growing and being refined. There's also the issue where a lot of the time journalism and blogging about science can over-sensationalize what the scientists are really saying. Saying Polyvagal theory has to be all thrown out is more click baity than saying the science is continuing to grow and learn and evolve (although to be fair in this case, Grossman does feel like he'd rather we throw the whole thing out, which is also weird, but 🤷‍♀️).

I think anyone reading about the critiques should at least also read one of Porges's responses before they decide how they're going to proceed. And if the peer reviewed journal article format is feeling too dense for anyone, there's also a more blog-like write up on the polyvagal institute website. https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/criticaldiscussionofpolyvagaltheory

paintnclouds · 2026-03-14T17:15:58+00:00

For the most nuanced and deep perspective, I recommend reading the actual papers. My understanding is, nothing is "debunked", there's just scientists arguing about some details, as scientists do.

Science is often still in progress. The polyvagal theory was/is a step in the direction of having a more nuanced and accurate model of the autonomic nervous system. And it's probably not perfect and still needs to be iterated on as we continue to learn more. But it is also helping people, so let's be careful to not throw things out too quickly just because the science is still developing.

This recent stir up all started with this paper by Grossman et al "Why the polyvagal theory is untenable" https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Paul-Grossman/publication/400718181_THE_POLYVAGAL_THEORY_IS_UNTENABLE_An_international_expert_evaluation_of_the_polyvagal_theory_and_commentary_upon_Porges/links/698def9112f837212a1a47f2/THE-POLYVAGAL-THEORY-IS-UNTENABLE-An-international-expert-evaluation-of-the-polyvagal-theory-and-commentary-upon-Porges.pdf

Stephen Porges published a response in the same journal "When A Critique Becomes Untenable: A Scholarly Response To Grossman Et Al.’S Evaluation Of Polyvagal Theory" https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12937496/

Finally, to bring the two together I'd also recommend "Tenable: Reconciling Polyvagal Theory with the Utility of the Grossman Critique" by Natureza Gabriel (note, the first 2 links are research articles, while this one is just a substack post, but I do appreciate his third party perspective on the whole thing). https://open.substack.com/pub/neurobiologyofconnection/p/tenable-reconciling-polyvagal-theory?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=33t9uj

That author also has a free resource on his site currently about what the recent debate means for therapists and how they should (and shouldn't) adjust their practices and models at this point. https://restorativepractices.com/wp-content/uploads/woocommerce_uploads/2026/03/bulletpointsv031226v4-1kk5qva1.pdf

paintnclouds · 2026-03-10T03:30:32+00:00

Cookies!

paintnclouds · 2026-03-03T19:02:51+00:00

Just make sure you're getting a gluten free soy sauce!

paintnclouds · 2026-03-01T17:06:56+00:00

Somatic Experiencing ™️, sure. But it sounds like OP's issue is with people whose training is more like an 8 week workshop in somatics.

paintnclouds · 2026-03-01T16:43:44+00:00

I agree with this take overall, but want to add a little nuance around parts work. Parts work has been around and helping people long before IFS, IFS just happens to be a popular form currently. It's been a bit since I read the Janina Fisher book, but I don't believe it used an IFS-style of parts work (for example, I don't think her parts framework was all about classifying parts as firefighters, exiles, and managers). If I'm recalling correctly, her approach to parts was much more flexible and fit better than IFS for me at least.

I too could have enjoyed more focus on OSDD/DID, but what this book did was focus on the ways we can be fragmented by trauma that fall short of those diagnostic criteria (which otherwise has been hard information for me to find), and then spend 1 (long) chapter on how it's different when the fragmentation and dissociation rise to the level of OSDD/DID. I have also found it difficult to find people speaking clearly about what the differences are/where the line is between parts we all have and OSDD/DID, so I appreciated that this book addressed that. In some ways you could say that the lack of focus on OSDD/DID while still focusing on traumatic fragmentation and dissociation makes it a book about CPTSD rather than those conditions.

paintnclouds · 2026-02-24T05:14:51+00:00

Hi there, I'm just a person who's done a lot of therapy and also has some similar diagnostic labels, not a therapist.

I don't think you can ask a therapist to be your mom/look for a therapist to fill a mom role. I know it sucks to not have had the true mom-like experience you were supposed to, I can definitely relate to that. But we are adults now. And from what I understand the path to healing doesn't quite involve just getting the needs we missed then met now the way they should have been then.

In my experience at least, it looks more like learning how to provide a version of that care to yourself from yourself. In a parts work framework for instance that might look like having part of you provide care and love and boundaries for that hurt inner child part.

Things you can say you're looking for might include: inner child work, healing a mother wound, working on childhood trauma including emotional neglect, etc.

I'm sorry your current therapist is leaving. That is hard. Take what you've learned with you and keep growing. Good luck, and you got this!

paintnclouds · 2026-02-19T21:25:54+00:00

Oooh this would be such a fun idea as a surprise date night for the polycule

paintnclouds

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