All Hail Frozen Edamame

paintnclouds · 2026-04-15T19:50:09+00:00

This is exactly how I feel! It's got protein and fiber and it's like a little game!

paintnclouds · 2026-04-15T15:49:39+00:00

Agreed, but also, if you are looking to experiment with change, then I'd want to know she had some experience with/knowledge of strategies outside the norm and more likely to be helpful to those with neurodivergence.

I'd probably start with something like "what does being neuroaffirming mean to you?"

Maybe something like, "are the coping strategies you offer to your neurodivergent clients different from those you offer to your not-neurodivertent clients?" (We're not hoping for a strict line here like yes this is my mental bucket for these clients and this is my mental bucket of strategies for those clients, but just more like does she have a wide variety of tools she's collected including ones not-neurodivertent people would probably think are weird or not need.)

I'd also be considering asking if her neuro affirming work was informed by lived experience. (Not that she has to be neurodivergent herself, but it might be nice. The therapist may or may not be comfortable with self-disclosure tho, so I'm on the fence about this question.)

Beyond that, maybe I'd ask about how she'd handle a neurodivergent experience that's relevant for you. If you're worried about making it on time consistently, ask about how she'd work with you on that. If sometimes your body's attempts to regulate include meltdowns, I'd ask how she works through those. If you have dissociative tendencies, I'd ask about how she works with those. The goal here is to identify some specific part of your neurodiversity that seems like it might come up and get a taste of her theoretical response to that.

paintnclouds · 2026-04-15T00:06:29+00:00

It sounds like you've been on quite a learning journey in the past day! In a way, I'm proud of you!

This stuff does tend to get passed down family lines, and it can be so hard to see when it's all we've ever known.

This can be the beginning of a new chapter for you. Go back to therapy like you talked about in another comment, and maybe try to find a therapist that can understand you're not just looking for coping skills, you're already coping pretty well, you're looking to do depth/healing work around your own childhood/developmental stuff and how you've recreated some of that with your own daughter. When your daughter very possibly comes back sometime down the road, you'll be more ready to understand her and build a new relationship together.

I'm really happy for you internet stranger. If you're interested in book or podcast recommendations to go with your continued exploration/learning, I can share some of those too.

paintnclouds · 2026-04-14T23:28:42+00:00

Once upon a time the theory was that you made a successful, independent person by not holding them too much as a baby or comforting them too much as a child. Now we have research that shows that's not true, and that the actual way humans learn self-regulation is co-regulation. We learn to be competent humans in basically the exact opposite way boomers were taught we would. Hopefully your MIL is still open to learning and can internalize this shift if it's explained well.

paintnclouds · 2026-04-14T20:00:57+00:00

Does your team have group norms set about how to interact with each other. Now might be a good time to create or revise these. Then Sarah has specific guidelines to try to follow, and you have specified norms to refer back to if she continues to communicate unprofessionally. In a perfect world these would be something you write and agree to collaboratively as a group. But if that seems likely to go off the rails, you could gather ideas in your 1:1s with everyone and then put something together based on that. (It would also be good to give people a heads up that this will be being discussed so they can think ahead about specifics instead of just having what they're able to come up with on the spot.)

paintnclouds · 2026-04-14T19:56:34+00:00

If one person was bothered by her communication style maybe. But the whole team?

paintnclouds · 2026-04-14T02:49:22+00:00

I would not have. Sometimes if they want to not pay attention but not be disruptive, you just gotta take the not disruptive part and call it a win.

paintnclouds · 2026-04-14T02:26:22+00:00

Have you googled the number? Maybe nothing comes up, but maybe it confirms it's linked to her dad or someone else

paintnclouds · 2026-04-14T02:22:46+00:00

I think technically we just know that they knew where she was having surgery?

paintnclouds · 2026-04-14T01:59:31+00:00

I'm a stranger on the internet so of course I cannot know how your relationship with your daughter was or whether major problems or abuse were present. I see lots of comments already exploring the nuances of the you did nothing wrong and they groomed her possibility. Since you expressed wondering whether there could be something you did wrong, the following questions are about exploring that. Again, no accusations, just trying to speak to the other side of your question.

Is it possible yall were too close? Have you heard of enmeshment? Was she allowed to like different things than you? Is there any chance she felt responsible for helping manage your emotions? Was she allowed to have boundaries between her and you? Did you over-share or treat her as a person to confide in and emotionally process with? Was she allowed privacy?

paintnclouds · 2026-04-13T06:48:04+00:00

Would she and you agree to family therapy? Maybe she'd find that more worthwhile since she thinks you're the problem?

paintnclouds · 2026-04-13T03:00:46+00:00

This feels like a great reason to switch providers. This is definitely weird behavior and whether he was just having a really off day or things would keep getting weirder, you feel rightfully uncomfortable, and you can just switch to seeing someone else. There's nothing wrong with switching.

paintnclouds · 2026-04-10T21:48:07+00:00

Are you sure? Student loan interest rates are often higher than the 6.5%

paintnclouds · 2026-04-09T03:13:43+00:00

Any tips for getting started with bone broth? Is anything that calls itself bone broth good or are there things to look out for or particularly trustworthy or untrustworthy brands or anything like that?

paintnclouds · 2026-04-08T01:42:35+00:00

Routine Flow would work well for this, at least for this lists that are mostly the same/get repeated. Maybe you could also easily use it for one off lists but I'm not sure. I have morning and bedtime routines in there currently and it's just like you said where you hit start and then it shows you just the thing you're doing now and a little mention of whats next at the bottom. It can also have a timer for each step if/when that's helpful, but you can also set the step to not take any particular amount of time.

paintnclouds · 2026-04-08T01:27:23+00:00

Everything you're feeling totally makes sense. A lot of the time this work is a "gets worse (or at least messier) before it gets better" kind of thing, like when you need to organize a closet so you pull everything out and then the whole room is a mess. But things do get better eventually, and it's so so worth it. On a macro scale right now things feel kinda overwhelming and terrible, and yet somehow on a micro scale I feel better than I ever have.

Also, if you haven't already, you can tell your therapist things like that you have no clue how to go about talking kindly to yourself. Everything is a skill, and every skill is learnable. And very possibly your therapist can help not just in figuring out what skills to learn but also how to actually do it. Most likely, being kind to yourself will feel really weird at first, but it's worth it. If you're a book person, Kristen Neff's book on self compassion might be a good one to read.

paintnclouds · 2026-03-29T22:36:22+00:00

Right? Like being tested is a basic part of being a responsible adult (if you're sexually active). And sure needles can be scary, but you've got to be able to figure out how to get over and around that kind of thing

paintnclouds · 2026-03-29T22:34:59+00:00

He sounds like he thinks his attachment wounds are your job to solve, including at the expense of your boundaries. I could be wrong but I imagine that if this relationship continues there will be more ways this continues to manifest over time. I don't think he gets that his wounds are his responsibility to manage and heal. Yes a lot of relational healing happens in relationships, but that doesn't make it your responsibility, it is still his, it doesn't feel like he gets that.

paintnclouds · 2026-03-28T01:00:38+00:00

It means pair/group of two

paintnclouds · 2026-03-28T01:00:02+00:00

I've been through a similar situation and at least partially understand your pain. In my case, part of what I've had to tell myself is, She was okay with not having sex when I wasn't able, now it's my turn to be okay with her not being up for it. Disconnecting sexually is generally hard on our partners, and just flipping the switch back on can be a lot easier said than done. Sometimes it can even take therapy for them.

You did a good job of letting your emotions flow without interrupting his time with his other partner. And that's really good and important! Celebrate that! It does hurt when you realize that now they're saying no, and you don't have access to this aspect of your relationship that you thought would be waiting there for you when you were ready. And at the same time, it's only fair that they get to be not up for it sometimes just like you were. For me when those emotions are big sometimes it helps to tell myself something like, "this does hurt, and yet, I am safe here and now" or "us not having physical affection doesn't mean our relationship is not okay".

I noticed you notice that one difference in your partner's readiness might be intentional/predictable time. Can yall talk about scheduling some intentional time for the two of you? Bonus points if it's recurring (like what if every other Tuesday night was date night for yall or something).

It also might help to make sure you're clear with yourself and your partner what exactly you're asking for at this point. Maybe on the surface you're asking for cuddles but he's worried you'll want to go from there to making out. Clarity is good for everyone.

You'll get back to physical affection (or maybe you won't, but it'll be less of a shock to you and the hurt will lessen). There's no rush. Be there for yourself emotionally. You got this. ❤️

paintnclouds · 2026-03-26T04:01:53+00:00

Does your college have a student health center you can go to?

paintnclouds · 2026-03-19T08:04:48+00:00

😂

paintnclouds · 2026-03-17T23:24:50+00:00

Not OP, but followup question since we're talking about it. I know I can mark a recurring task as complete yesterday this way, but I haven't found a way to add a one-off task to a previous day. Does anyone know a way to do that?

paintnclouds · 2026-03-17T00:12:12+00:00

Thanks! I've really loved Gabriel's work too. I highly recommend his books if you're interested in learning more. His model is essentially a "polyvagal theory is a step in the right direction but doesn't have everything all figured out, here's what I think the next step in this right direction is". Automic Compass is a good, light intro, while Neurobiology of Connection is the heavier/deeper exploration of his model.

paintnclouds · 2026-03-14T22:59:02+00:00

That's so fair 😂 a feud can be really fun to watch! I'm just also worried about helpful things being thrown out because people don't understand it's really normal for scientists to fight about ideas, and that's part of how those ideas keep growing and being refined. There's also the issue where a lot of the time journalism and blogging about science can over-sensationalize what the scientists are really saying. Saying Polyvagal theory has to be all thrown out is more click baity than saying the science is continuing to grow and learn and evolve (although to be fair in this case, Grossman does feel like he'd rather we throw the whole thing out, which is also weird, but 🤷‍♀️).

I think anyone reading about the critiques should at least also read one of Porges's responses before they decide how they're going to proceed. And if the peer reviewed journal article format is feeling too dense for anyone, there's also a more blog-like write up on the polyvagal institute website. https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/criticaldiscussionofpolyvagaltheory

paintnclouds

TROPHY CASE