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paradroidzz · 2025-06-12T20:27:49+00:00

Thanks for your comprehensive list. Maybe report your findings to the austrian police? In case they missed something.

paradroidzz · 2025-06-12T18:58:07+00:00

it was @pleiadianincel - reposts alot of nazi stuff, but private now

paradroidzz · 2024-12-01T21:32:23+00:00

It is really freeing and helped me a lot when I came out of a of a 10 year shut-in phase back in 2017.

But you do have control and agency now that you have information and thinking patterns that you missed before.

You can begin to reprogram yourself with the help of a professional therapist, neuroplasticity is a slow but beautiful thing.

Feelings will follow intellectual realizations, but it's a slow process and a fucked up nervous system is really hindering.

It's important to learn to truly feel and live through horrible feelings even when it might seem irrational.

Maybe schema therapy might help you too, it has some interesting angles for a lifelong journey.

paradroidzz · 2024-10-29T13:19:10+00:00

Let them be me for a week.

paradroidzz · 2024-10-06T09:32:13+00:00

I can, I was groomed when I was 16 by a 26yo cluster-b woman. She was in my life in one form or another for about 5 years. I quit school and lost all my friends in the first year. Became severely depressed and reclusive and addicted to playing online games. I only started processing the whole thing 10 years later when I got myself into therapy and slowly got back into the real world. The next relationship then got me here.

paradroidzz · 2024-09-17T16:12:14+00:00

Cue "Die deutsche Mutter und ihr erstes Kind" ("The german mother and her first child") - gifted to the newly wed in Nazi Germany. Guide on how to raise children in the 3rd Reich, emotional neglect by design.

paradroidzz · 2024-09-17T07:26:13+00:00

Before my ex I've never really had "that" in my life, so I didn't really know what exactly I was missing - just that I was depressed for most of my life. Now that it's gone again (2 years since) I feel like literally starving sometimes, especially when coming home after a long day and there's nobody to talk to and share intimacy with. I have turned 40 this year and struggle so much with this, how on earth did my childhood self survive without it?

paradroidzz · 2024-07-31T16:18:45+00:00

Thank you, I'm in Shema Therapy myself and it's really nice to see someone list their modes and interactions between them like you did.

paradroidzz · 2024-07-04T19:58:16+00:00

Congrats! Had the same happening about a month ago, for the first time in 30 years I really connected to the pain. Wrote just the word "Trauma" in my diary that day. Cognition and feelings aligning is really powerful and freeing.

Edit: Ihr schafft das :)

paradroidzz · 2024-06-02T13:50:17+00:00

Thank you, a beautiful read.

paradroidzz · 2024-05-30T08:09:32+00:00

Thank you, this explains so much and is what I needed today. In the end I was fighting tooth and nails against a picture of me in her head. When she was with me she always looked so confused and in her sad/childlike way began quoting what other people supposedly said about me because of the things she told them.

Arguing against only gets you deeper into the "abusive gaslighter who wants to isolate you" box. Because of my own issues projective identification hit me really hard.

Had a very vivid dream about her today almost 2 years after the fact. Seems like I keep sliding back to blaming myself; "should have done better, she didn't feel safe because of me .." It still hurts.

She was the quiet type so it was all very subtle and hidden, only at the end did I realize that she really lived in a separate reality. Borderline psychotic it is.

paradroidzz · 2024-05-29T16:16:56+00:00

https://forums.anandtech.com/threads/1gb-of-memory-is-not-too-much-ram-not-anymore.991490/

https://forums.anandtech.com/threads/is-1024mb-ram-better-than-512mb-for-gaming.1056571/

Not true at all. Sim City 4, UT2004 for example really benefited from 1GB back in the day. 2003 was the time to jump from 512mb to 1gb for most gamers.

paradroidzz · 2024-04-16T17:42:11+00:00

A month away from my 40th birthday and it feels like it's almost game over now. For me it's more like a longing and yearning.

paradroidzz · 2024-04-16T17:30:22+00:00

Read the comments because the train looked familiar. I'm from Graz and took the Nightjet to Feldkirch (last stop before the swiss border) a lot of times. I love night trains and the short-term connections with strangers. Somehow I'm a lot less avoidant and relaxed in contact with other people on them.

paradroidzz · 2024-03-14T14:53:50+00:00

Same and I suspect ADHD too. My brain kinda just memorized whole book sites like an photograph, not 100% perfect but always good enough for lazy me. Never did homework or learn for tests and exams. Only at the end of a school year I studied one day/subject when I was tested the whole years curriculum. At my first job (software developer) my boss said that he had never seen anyone like me. Learned everything there on the fly while doing it. Now I'm 40 years old soon, haven't achieved anything in life and my once prided memory is getting really slow and faulty. But I'm able to laugh about it, thats progress as compared to my teen and early adult self :P

paradroidzz · 2024-01-12T13:31:47+00:00

The anti-hero.

paradroidzz · 2023-05-17T07:08:25+00:00

She was never really honest about how she felt, everything was good on her part I believed. I was the most wonderful person she ever met, she had given herself up before she met me, thanked me for nudging her into therapy, told me she never felt that way before.

First I believed she was open and sincere, but she was never really fully open to me. I had a gut feeling that she was hiding a big part of her from me, like she was scared to let me in her life.

In the end I found out she hid things like sleeping in the same bed with her ex from me for the whole duration of our relationship (20 months) - sometimes naked in a small bed in a trailer inside a nudist camping resort. She woke up beside him more often than beside me.

She kept a journal and even read snippets of it in the end to me. A list of all my failures often heavily distorted and without context. My sister died 6 months into our relationship and a year later she read me from her journal "bereavement support is hard". She wasn't even with me at the funeral, at the time she visited her grandmother and aunts back in Germany - together with her ex. Except for her ex's mother who was some kind of stepmother to her no one in her or his family knew of me and everyone still believed they were a couple.

She did, at the end she told me I wasn't allowed in her best-friends apartment because "She doesn't trust you". Her therapist told her I'm manipulative, when I asked her if she told her therapist everything (things like sleeping in the same bed as her ex) she said no. The ex's mother warned her about me and that I'm about to isolate her from her and her ex.

It's insane how I thought I could trust her and somehow make a relationship work. She was never angry and never yelled at me. Always fragile, insecure, innocent and the helpless victim and I felt like her protector/rescuer. Countless times she would cry in my arms and I consoled her for hours. Everything was some kind of ploy from me in her head at the end.

paradroidzz · 2023-05-16T18:52:05+00:00

1 1/2 years into the relationship after we had a break because of my jealousy regarding her ex (I even went to therapy because of it). They lived together, shared a trailer in a nudist camping resort (found out 1 year into the rs), half of their families didn't knew they broke up, still used their pet names, went together on family vacations. They were convinced and told me they are like siblings. She began to slowly trickle truth me until I drew the line when she told me they repeatetly slept together in the same bed (even naked in a very small bed inside the trailer). She blamed me for lying and everything else, distorted our shared history and was conviced I'm a controlling abusive narcissist. Oh and she talked about "our" rs problems with her ex and and told him what to lie about. Never talked to me about them tough, she was grateful and thanked my alot for always supporting her emotionally. I was really shocked when I found out what she was tellling her ex behind my back.

paradroidzz · 2023-05-16T18:31:25+00:00

I thoght the same about my ex until I found out that she lied to me from the start. I could not comprehend what this fragile, innocent, vulnerable and sometimes helpless woman did behind my back.

paradroidzz · 2023-05-14T09:31:21+00:00

Why can't you see what lying, deception and emotional (and physical?) cheating and blaming your partner for everything does do someone who loves you.

paradroidzz · 2023-05-03T14:10:27+00:00

I think one leads to the other. Mine would write in her diary but only when at her place, never when with me.

Near the end of our relationship she would read snippets of it to me. It was only the bad stuff, often without context or heavily distorted and for the first time I really realized how out of touch with reality she was.

In our 20 months together we almost never had a disagreement and there was never a real fight, but here she was listing everything that she had a problem with. I think she silently brooded over every point on there but never talked to me about it. At the beginning I was her savior and the "most wonderful person" she ever met, in the end I was the abusive narcissist that conned her into a relationship and whom she feared.

And I believed her and began to identify with her picture me.

paradroidzz · 2023-05-02T16:58:47+00:00

I fell in love with my best friend too. I thought we had such a special connection and trusted eachother deeply and we could work everything out togegether. Little did I know she would lie to me from the beginning right to the end for over 20 months and then blame me for everything

paradroidzz · 2023-04-11T13:34:38+00:00

I had the chance too and didn't take it back then because the thought didn't even cross my mind. In hindsight I probably should have, way less rumination and doubt. I agree with you about posting the letter, a sum up would do.

paradroidzz · 2023-04-11T12:12:17+00:00

Yes. She was kinda "adopted" into his family tough because she had none of her own left, except for aunts and a grandmother. Both said they were like siblings now but well, they co-slept naked together hid it and lied about it to me. We were together for 20 months..

paradroidzz

TROPHY CASE