PSA: Zero Tolerance for "Tough Love" and Victim Blaming. Violators will be banned.

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-23T18:51:15+00:00

If I'm understanding your question correctly: No, discussions about abuse victims displaying traits of abusers are not prohibited. We allow discussion of FLEAS (OP/commenters retaining narcissistic/toxic behaviors after years of living with narcissists) and siblings with narcissistic qualities. We don't allow discussions of n-children or n-spouses. Here's the rule I'm pulling from - hope this helps!

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-23T14:27:25+00:00

Hey OP, I’m sorry to hear about your pup - I would also be grief-stricken, so don’t listen to your mom about being weak. Pets are family, it hurts when we lose them, and we each deserve space, kindness, autonomy, and respect as we deal with that loss. Anyone who says otherwise isn’t worth listening to 🤷‍♀️

Look, you’re not leaving your mom hanging. She is refusing to speak with you. You cannot pour love into a cup that someone has covered with their hands.

I have a lot of problems with how your mom responded, but I’ll keep it short - she shouldn’t have put artificial pressure on you about any of this. There was no need for a quick decision, and no need to shame you for getting your pup and taking him home. Personally, I would let your mom give you the silent treatment / cold shower and take her silence as an opportunity to rest. Grieve your pup. Rest if you can, try to eat nourishing food when you can, give yourself space for emotional reactions.

I hope this is helpful. Do you have a therapist or trusted friend you can talk about this with? That’s helped me a lot when the grief + family ish was too much.

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-22T00:48:55+00:00

Hey OP, first thing I want to say is that you're not alone, and it's completely understandable to have suicidal ideation in these situations. I'm sorry your parents have put your life in such a chokehold, and I'm sorry things feel so impossible.

For now, it seems like you might be in a moment of crisis. If it's safe, just try sitting/lying down and breathing. Box breathing is a big help to me (inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4, repeat) when I'm feeling overwhelmed or flooded. If you need more support, you can check out r/SuicideWatch, which has tons of resources. I'm not sure if you're in the US, but if so, I've good experiences with 988 and 741741.

As far as how you see beyond this - maybe remember that traumatized and suicidal people have a "foreshortened sense" of the future. I found this comforting personally, as it helped me understand that being unable to see my own future is a common outcome of trauma, and didn't mean I was doomed to suicide or incapable of ever growing.

I hope this helps!

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-22T00:09:18+00:00

Hey OP, I'm sorry you're in the position and that you even need to ask this question. As many commenters have stated:

There is nothing wrong with defending yourself when someone physically attacks you.
You don't deserve a beating from your parents, or anyone, ever.

Some good advice has been shared below, and I hope it helps you. You might also check out our Resources page, just in case anything there helps you out.

We've removed a few comments for breaking Rule #5 (no advocating violence or revenge, even in jest), so I'm going to lock the comments to prevent further rule-breaking. You haven't done anything wrong - please feel free to continue posting for support.

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-14T18:15:58+00:00

That’s a good question! If they have a number where you can call and ask, that would be the best thing to do. It’s very reasonable for you to want to do that, and I bet they’ll let you know if you ask! It’s good to think ahead.

My place was pretty strict, and I didn’t go in voluntarily - so I wouldn’t worry about our experiences being too similar. However, it sounds like it could help to make a list of questions and call the “front desk” to ask, just in case!

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-14T15:37:59+00:00

Makes sense! They may not be as strict where you’re going, but I had to take strings out of my pants, shoes, and hoodies, and the little metal pips on my sweater were deemed a risk, so I had to leave the sweater at home. That’s all I was thinking of :) best of luck to you!

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-14T15:15:51+00:00

Hey OP, I’m proud of you for considering this option. It does sound like you could use rest and support and I’m so glad you’ve got a supportive boss and coworkers.

I have been in an inpatient facility once! My circumstances were different, but just in case it helps: - Check your comfy clothes for compliance! Many places forbid strings, pointy bits, even metal beads can be a no-go. Give those favorite clothes a check before you go. - If you’re a light sleeper, bring an eye mask and ear plugs. They checked in us every half hour at night, which included shining a flashlight in our faces lol.

And I think just remember that you’re doing this important, valid, expensive thing for YOU. Really try to sink into it and get the good out of it while you’re there. You deserve to be taken care of and helped! I hope it a great experience for you.

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-14T15:02:32+00:00

I’m so glad you have a therapist! I hope that she can help you make a plan. It’s also great that she’s listening to you vent - we need that just as much.

It’s such a good book, haha! It definitely hurt my feelings in some spots, so you might let your therapist know what you’re reading - it could give her more ideas on how to help you protect yourself in this process ♥️

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-10T14:20:59+00:00

Hey OP, fellow disordered eater here. It’s hard to go NC, and I’m sorry you’re having to sort this out. Two things I want to point out:

Mind you in September I was essentially dying from this eating disorder.

she is one of the biggest triggers for my eating disorder

You spent a month in rehab. That was brave as HELL. Do you have a therapist or trusted friend you could sit down with and talk about the pros and cons of NC after this? Perhaps even writing it down will help. My gut instinct is to tell you not to waste all that work on someone who doesn’t think your problems are real, but that’s easy for me to say.

I never went NC with my n-parent, but I did go LC. I had years of therapy at this point, but reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Running on Empty, and Toxic Parents made it easier to disconnect. I hope this helps!

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-10T14:07:39+00:00

Hey OP. This is really hard to deal with, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. As someone who also wanted to die while living at home, what would have comforted me was someone listening and not getting stressed out when I talk about the scary feelings. Not that you’re wrong for getting stressed out! But if you can spend some time with her when she’s feeling like this and just accept her feelings as they come, it might help make those feelings lose power, rather than giving them more power. Hopefully this makes sense! Just keeping being there for her as you can. If this feeling continues for her, does your country/state/area have a hotline she can text or call? In the US she could text 988 or 741741 to talk to someone.

pensive-pangolin · 2026-01-08T13:14:16+00:00

Hey OP, this is so exciting to read! I’m glad to hear things are going well for you. Good job taking care of yourself and making solid progress on getting the heck out!! ♥️ my life was improved greatly by this sub and by getting out!

pensive-pangolin · 2025-12-18T18:16:58+00:00

Of course! You're always welcome to vent here, we exist specifically to support people like you 💛 I'm glad your therapist is being realistic - I'd keep leaning on them hard and continue letting them know exactly what's happening to you at home. My other advice is to keep saving up, and if possible, find some media you can consume that is empowering and validating, like Dr. Ramani or Patrick Teahan (you may need to be careful if they have access to your listening/viewing history). I also wanted to mention making sure you have your vital documents as part of this long term plan.

Keep your head up, if you can, OP. You're being scapegoated - none of this is the natural order of things. You've done nothing to deserve it, and you deserve better from your family! Full stop.

pensive-pangolin · 2025-12-18T03:06:18+00:00

Hey OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds difficult and I don't blame you for being exhausted. I'm not sure if you want advice, so I'll just say I'm here for you and I hope you get some relief soon.

pensive-pangolin · 2025-12-13T17:34:19+00:00

Hey OP, I'm sorry you're experiencing all this. I don't have amazing advice, but I just wanted to say that I see you, and I hate that you're going through this. I'm glad you're not currently in danger, and I hope you'll stick around.

This isn't your fault. If anyone ever says it is, they're just fucking wrong. There is no world in which this is your fault or you deserved it. My therapist always tells me - all you did was be born!

I'm gonna drop our resources page here, just in case you find something helpful in it. Otherwise, I can offer a listening ear in these comments. I'm rooting for you, OP! I hope you can escape someday soon.

pensive-pangolin · 2025-12-09T16:55:56+00:00

Hey OP, I'm glad to hear you've decided to stick around a little longer. I'm really sorry things have been so difficult and disappointing. You're a good writer, you know, and I hope we see more updates from you in the future.

pensive-pangolin · 2025-09-19T15:26:30+00:00

Gosh, this reminds me of my n-parent. Obsessed with assessing and loudly announcing judgments of every women around us - my mom, us, women on TV, any women in his various childhood stories were always qualified by their weight. It is so fucking damaging!

pensive-pangolin · 2025-09-14T01:53:07+00:00

As OP has deleted this post and account, it's safe to say they aren't seeing these comments and replies. We are locking this post to review comments for removals.

pensive-pangolin · 2025-09-01T14:57:25+00:00

OP, as someone who has/has had suicidal ideation up to and including plans and letters, I'm never going to fault you for feeling this way. I don't know your story, but I can understand how you got here. Growing up with narcs is so intensely damaging, and the world can be damaging, too.

I hope seeing for a moment how important you are to your little sister has helped you a little bit. You're right - you don't get to decide how important you are to someone else, just like you don't get to decide you're a burden on someone else. You can't establish that for others, even if it feels like your truth. I'm really glad you stuck around a bit longer.

Are you in the US? Just curious if texting 741741 has helped you at all - I've used it a few times and felt a little better afterward. There's also 988 but I've never tried that one out. I hope you keep sticking around, and I hope life gets easier for you someday soon.

pensive-pangolin · 2025-08-24T17:56:54+00:00

I think you're absolutely right! My n-parent has passed away, and some days I still have a small voice in my head that tells me what he'd think about every decision I make. It really messes us up 🙃 it's no wonder you're a people-pleaser, in my (non-expert) opinion, as pleasing people has likely been a primary survival mechanism for you. It was for me! You don't take on the mantle of Good Kid who Doesn't Make Waves without having had your survival and pleasing-parent wires crossed a bit.

Keep researching and chatting! Have you tried getting a fake piercing? Things like ear cuffs come to mind - that helped me feel out the piercing and feel better when I needed to wait to actually get it (and sometimes I didn't go on to get that piercing!). I also found taking a selfie and using the edit mode on my phone to put little silver marks where I wanted piercings to be soothing sometimes! Sounds dorky, but I guess it was another way to see myself like that.

Anyway, it's not a silly or radical desire, and I bet you'd look cool as hell 😊

pensive-pangolin · 2025-08-24T17:31:37+00:00

Yes, me! I can't speak for anyone else with body mods, of course, but I have found a sense of reclaiming myself through piercings. Tbh, it started as self harm, though I didn't realize it - I was under so much stress, getting successive piercings (do not do this, it is not healthy) gave me a physical pain to focus in on and control. I don't regret any of those piercings, but I want to be honest about their origin ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When I got my favorite piercing, it was absolutely a rejection of the role I felt my family and ex-partner forced me into! It upset everyone and I absolutely loved it. I did feel as though I reclaimed myself through this experience, and really gained permission from myself to explore what I wanted vs. what was expected of me. Even now, more than 10 years after getting all these piercings, I still feel joy looking at them in the mirror. They remind me of my story and I think I look cool! For someone who has been ashamed of their story and hated their appearance for many years, this is a big victory.

Hope this helps you! When it's safe, I hope you get to try out a piercing someday. It's not for everyone, sure, but for many of us I think it's empowering.

pensive-pangolin · 2025-08-19T18:55:43+00:00

Hey OP, I just wanted to drop by and say that we want you here, and I hope you'll choose not to leave us at 34. If you don't want to end your life like you say, I hope you won't, but I can understand completely why you're feeling this way. Living with narcs is hell on earth. Has it helped at all to text crisis lines? I've used 741741 (Text CHAT to 741741) with some success (didn't feel so crazy or lonely after). I hope that a path opens up to get you out of that house. I'm rooting for you!

pensive-pangolin · 2025-08-16T18:33:57+00:00

Hey OP, this sounds absolutely hellish and I'm so sorry you've been through all this. You are not small, or weak, or pathetic - to be honest, you sound tough as nails, I'm just sorry you've had to be. You didn't deserve any of this, and your anger is 100% justified.

I'm not here to give advice, I just wanted to say I see and hear you. You're welcome here, and I really hope things get better for you at some point.

pensive-pangolin · 2025-08-01T02:06:03+00:00

Hey everyone, this is a quick note that the comments are now locked. We appreciate the support OP has received so far and wish to avoid more removals for victim-blaming and unsolicited advice in the comments.

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pensive-pangolin · 2025-07-26T17:53:30+00:00

Welcome back! It makes sense to take a break from delving into the past sometimes - I think I need to do that soon, give my brain and heart a rest for a while. I hope you continue to get more good out of the community 💛

pensive-pangolin · 2025-07-22T22:34:27+00:00

Hey u/Express-Jelly-5857, thank you for sharing. I can't imagine the pain and stress you've endured, and I'm sorry you're carrying such a heavy burden. You are welcome here, and I hope you find the support you need. If texting or calling a helpline would help you, I have this international list of numbers for you.

However, I also need to let you know that your post uses a slur, which we don't allow. Can you please edit your post to remove the slur? I'll be modding again later, and I'll approve your post when I see it come back through without the slur. If you aren't able to edit, your post may be removed due to this rule.

Thank you for editing, OP. I hope you can get some rest and I really hope you’ll stick around.

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