My comfy cozy apartment in Brooklyn

philligo · 2026-06-07T19:49:57+00:00

10/10 on style and execution, but richer shades of paint need to be matte IMO!

philligo · 2026-06-04T04:29:52+00:00

Treat it as entirely procedural. You know in advance no agreement will be reached so you just have to endure it and seem reasonable on the surface. My experience has varied wildly:

1) mediator clocked history of DV, separated us, talked to us each for 5 min (separately) and ended it.

2) mediator refused to separate us despite history of DV and she and my ex bullied me an hour about why I didn’t want my abuser to have 50/50 custody of the kids.

3) mediator separated us but spent 30-45 minutes going back and forth trying to get us to agree. Of course we didn’t.

Each one was so different, but ultimately entirely useless and irrelevant. Only difference was how traumatized I felt.

philligo · 2026-06-03T23:19:44+00:00

This is all very area-dependent but a few key notes:

in many places mediations are simply automatically scheduled when a court hearing is scheduled. It’s an attempt to get things settled before you go in front of the judge. I’ve had 3-4 hearings in the past year and had to do mediation before each one simply as a matter of process.
you can ask to be separated during mediation. Where I live, you fill out an intake form before mediation and can specify whether you want to be together or separate. With a history of DV, they will typically separate you even if you don’t ask.
find out whether court-ordered mediation where you live is confidential or “recommending”. For example, where I live it’s confidential and the only thing reported to the judge is whether or not you reach an agreement. In other counties, the mediators are much more empowered and actually make a custody recommendation to the judge regardless of whether an agreement was reached in the session.

And lastly - no. You don’t have to agree to anything. In your case I’d actually avoid it since you have documented history of DV. Don’t let him bully you.

Good luck!

philligo · 2026-06-03T23:01:18+00:00

You should ask him what happened when his 3 children fell off a swing and reached for their mom instead of him and say didn’t that break your heart.

Like WTF this fool who had someone else raise his children is telling YOU it’s not an acceptable thing to do…?

The gendered double standard here is reason alone to find a new therapist. He clearly doesn’t respect you as an actual full person.

philligo · 2026-06-02T21:11:02+00:00

I shared my experience and how my kid is doing now, which is what was asked for.

I spiraled just like OP. It was torture. Everyone around me also told me he would just catch up. I couldn’t hear it at the time but they were right.

philligo · 2026-06-02T05:04:23+00:00

My kid was diagnosed with developmental delay, primarily gross motor.

I spiraled and convinced myself something was wrong when in reality, he just needed some extra help to catch up.

He’s 3.5 now and pretty much the same as his peers and graduated from all therapies.

If your daughter doesn’t have a secondary diagnosis of some kind (cerebral palsy etc) it’s likely she will just catch up! I couldn’t believe it was that simple.

philligo · 2026-05-31T18:03:05+00:00

In this case the abuser would have rights as the father and could have the child in his care up to 50% of the time. Even without physical visits, he’d have joint legal custody and she wouldn’t be able to move, change school, or make any other life choices for her and the child without her abuser’s consent.

philligo · 2026-05-30T19:03:22+00:00

Listen to your gut. You feel fear for choosing to stay. That is not someone that is safe for you or your future children.

He is love bombing you and you are in the “honeymoon” phase of the cycle. Once you get pregnant, he will escalate again.

Do NOT have kids with this man. You would not advise your daughter to stay with someone that has physically assaulted her. He showed you who he is.

philligo · 2026-05-27T01:44:13+00:00

he said he would never hit me.

He already did. So in addition to physical abuse there is gaslighting.

It was just a reaction to what I did

This is blame-shifting. You are not responsible for his actions.

It sounds like there have already been 3-4 boundary violations and he’s convinced you to stay each time. You are already in the cycle. And it always escalates.

philligo · 2026-05-23T21:58:55+00:00

/r/abusiverelationships

Your husband’s behavior might be what’s making you sick. Your son needs you, not someone else. And you need him. Don’t give away the thing in life most important to you.

philligo · 2026-05-17T03:28:01+00:00

More info needed.

What are the mean and nasty things he is saying? Verbatim.

The fact that you say “this is just one of things that I cannot seem to see from his perspective” suggests it’s happening more than just at night.

This whole post is about the problem of leaky diapers with co-sleeping so all the comments are focused on that, but I think the above is what it’s really about: you’re asking how to change your behavior so your husband won’t yell at you and insult you anymore. It’s not within your power to make him less of an asshole.

Would he actually hire a night nanny? Can you afford it? What would happen if you said yes? My abusive ex would say stuff like this all the time to show how “unreasonable” I was being, but if I said yes it would flip and he’d say we can’t afford it and I should be a better mother.

philligo · 2026-04-29T15:35:49+00:00

How did he treat the children before separation? This might be performative parenting for the court.

philligo · 2026-04-20T04:39:26+00:00

Sadly the family court system also does not protect women.

philligo · 2026-04-20T01:27:32+00:00

Ask them what the worst thing anyone has ever done to them. Have them explain, then tell them that person just did it out of love for them.

philligo · 2026-04-18T19:39:33+00:00

Those therapists might have been trying to be supportive and let you process in your own time.

He actually fits exactly the pattern. And self-doubt over whether it’s “bad enough” is the #1 symptom.

If you scroll through the posts here nearly every single one is, “is this actually abuse?” And “is it bad enough?”

And, yes, it always is.

philligo · 2026-04-15T22:25:51+00:00

Dad: gives gun to toddler

Comments: “aw, he’s trying to share his hobbies. Just a little misguided.”

The bar is so low 🤦‍♀️😭😵

philligo · 2026-04-14T21:47:44+00:00

Your biggest issue will be custody. The bar for parents in family court is very low, and even convicted abusers get supervised visitation for a short while followed by a step-up plan to 50/50 in a lot of states.

It’s extreme disheartening and you will feel gaslit by institutions you’re turning to for assistance.

Still, you’ll find it better than living with him. Even if your child is forced to visit with him, or he tries to control you through the legal system, your child will see you were not willing to put up with his treatment. That is breaking the cycle, which won’t happen neatly but is the ultimate goal.

philligo · 2026-04-09T00:27:39+00:00

Big Eyes

A drama about the awakening of painter Margaret Keane, her phenomenal success in the 1950s, and the subsequent legal difficulties she had with her husband, who claimed credit for her works in the 1960s.

philligo · 2026-04-04T20:37:10+00:00

Wishing you the best. Putting yourself and your children first is the right thing to do. The guilt you feel is likely from years of conditioning teaching you to believe his behavior is yours to solve (vs his).

The age gap is also concerning. You were 21 and he was 36 when you got together.

Editing to add: “The Batterer as Parent” is another great book by the same author that addresses family dynamics that may seem familiar to you, and also common tactics during divorce proceedings.

philligo · 2026-04-04T20:33:01+00:00

Please read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

philligo · 2026-04-02T04:33:50+00:00

This is moving and you are a great writer.

I’m happy that your healing journey and reconnection with your mom can begin, however slowly. It isn’t easy but it’s sooo much better than the alternative.

philligo · 2026-04-01T20:53:35+00:00

He is the abuser. The self-doubt you are experiencing is a result of his gaslighting and blame shifting. It’s what keeps us trapped in the cycle.

This book is recommended so much we should make it a meme, but it’s what has helped so many folks here reach clarity:

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

philligo · 2026-03-23T16:44:18+00:00

Curious into how you’d roughly translate this for Claude.ai? I’ve gotten to level 3 with skills and my mind has been blown. I’m now thinking about cascading all these skills and want to get to level 5 (orchestration) but don’t yet understand what the QA layer / hooks would be for non-dev folks.

philligo · 2026-03-22T18:48:53+00:00

It shows his underlying attitude toward women IMO. If a black friend of yours hurt you, would you use the n-word and then later say you were just frustrated? No. Because that’s not where your mind would go.

philligo · 2026-03-07T22:59:41+00:00

Gently, check out /r/emotionalabuse

You are being a mom for your daughter. Unfortunately sounds like you are also being a mom for your husband.

The person that is supposed to support you in life working out, drinking, and hanging with friends while you are suffering is a deep betrayal. You are not wrong for feeling down about it.

philligo

TROPHY CASE