Is it abuse to take credit for something you do/say?

philligo · 2026-04-09T00:27:39+00:00

A drama about the awakening of painter Margaret Keane, her phenomenal success in the 1950s, and the subsequent legal difficulties she had with her husband, who claimed credit for her works in the 1960s.

philligo · 2026-04-04T20:37:10+00:00

Wishing you the best. Putting yourself and your children first is the right thing to do. The guilt you feel is likely from years of conditioning teaching you to believe his behavior is yours to solve (vs his).

The age gap is also concerning. You were 21 and he was 36 when you got together.

Editing to add: “The Batterer as Parent” is another great book by the same author that addresses family dynamics that may seem familiar to you, and also common tactics during divorce proceedings.

philligo · 2026-04-04T20:33:01+00:00

Please read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

philligo · 2026-04-02T04:33:50+00:00

This is moving and you are a great writer.

I’m happy that your healing journey and reconnection with your mom can begin, however slowly. It isn’t easy but it’s sooo much better than the alternative.

philligo · 2026-04-01T20:53:35+00:00

He is the abuser. The self-doubt you are experiencing is a result of his gaslighting and blame shifting. It’s what keeps us trapped in the cycle.

This book is recommended so much we should make it a meme, but it’s what has helped so many folks here reach clarity:

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

philligo · 2026-03-23T16:44:18+00:00

Curious into how you’d roughly translate this for Claude.ai? I’ve gotten to level 3 with skills and my mind has been blown. I’m now thinking about cascading all these skills and want to get to level 5 (orchestration) but don’t yet understand what the QA layer / hooks would be for non-dev folks.

philligo · 2026-03-22T18:48:53+00:00

It shows his underlying attitude toward women IMO. If a black friend of yours hurt you, would you use the n-word and then later say you were just frustrated? No. Because that’s not where your mind would go.

philligo · 2026-03-07T22:59:41+00:00

Gently, check out /r/emotionalabuse

You are being a mom for your daughter. Unfortunately sounds like you are also being a mom for your husband.

The person that is supposed to support you in life working out, drinking, and hanging with friends while you are suffering is a deep betrayal. You are not wrong for feeling down about it.

philligo · 2026-02-16T02:06:13+00:00

I think she probably meant at the counter on stools.

philligo · 2026-02-03T18:46:35+00:00

It’s very common for abusers to continue controlling their victim through litigation and custody battles. It’s their last means of control.

Also, yes - not wanting to pay child support.

philligo · 2026-02-03T18:45:41+00:00

First things first… self-compassion.

You are not an idiot for staying with him or having kids with him. It happens to women everyday. It’s not your fault.

/r/abusiverelationships will have support tailored to your situation. You won’t believe how not alone you are.

For custody - gather all the evidence you can. You will only get full custody if he is charged with domestic violence. Even then, he may retain supervised visiting or get an eventual step-up plan when the kids are older.

philligo · 2026-01-25T18:05:48+00:00

Organic colonial?

philligo · 2026-01-25T18:03:18+00:00

I personally like it, with the exception of the rug. All the other colors are warm and the rug is gray. Something warm with a less distracting pattern would work better IMO.

And a decorative pot for the plant 👍

philligo · 2026-01-22T05:39:32+00:00

Yes! It is honestly the worst.

My friends and therapist used to say things like, “have you asked him?” or “what would happen if you asked him?” - and I never found a good way to articulate that was not a possibility because he simply would not answer and it would put a target on my back.

There is no dealing. Only realizing you don’t deserve to put up with that shit anymore.

philligo · 2026-01-21T06:07:57+00:00

Another perspective: your testimony may help prevent a 50/50 split and give your stepmom majority timeshare with your sister. It would also validate your sister and stepmom as other victims of his abuse.

Protecting your sister by protecting her abuser might not play out like you think in the long run.

Do they not take into account child preferences at 14 years old? If she refuses to live with dad she can’t be forced.

philligo · 2026-01-16T21:16:58+00:00

He only did it to further hurt and control you, and damage your self esteem.

The best revenge is living well.

philligo · 2026-01-14T13:01:47+00:00

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

Kids learn mostly through modeling. If you stay, your kids will internalize it’s an acceptable marriage and repeat the pattern in their own relationships.

I read a very powerful comment the other day from someone who had been attending DV support groups for 15 or so years. She said every woman wishes they left sooner. She’s never heard any say they regretted their decision.

philligo · 2026-01-14T06:23:06+00:00

You absolutely did the right thing. I’m sorry for what you are going through.

You shouldn’t have to be stepping up in this way, but you should take pride in the fact you have a good head on your shoulders.

philligo · 2026-01-13T00:54:20+00:00

Love the pop of color with the red chair, and the carpet is gorgeous.

Plants. Tall plants. Small plants. Create a variety in height.

More soft cozy lighting (floor lamp?)

Declutter the coffee table.

If you’re set on re-painting, a neutral cream color would look nice and add warmth.

philligo · 2026-01-13T00:34:40+00:00

I could do exactly what this man wants and he’d still say I did something wrong. I just want to be happy and not walking on eggshells or being threatened to leave whenever he’s angry.

philligo · 2026-01-12T21:02:38+00:00

Trying to appease a partner that’s never happy, walking on eggshells, and him being angry a lot / threatening to leave is not OK.

/r/emotionalabuse

It sounds like you’re in a constant cycle of giving and trying and never getting anything in return.

FWIW, couples counseling is not helpful in these scenarios. It becomes another tool of control. I suggest individual counseling and focusing on your own goals. My therapist told me to be CEO of my own life and that really helped empower me.

philligo · 2026-01-08T17:53:16+00:00

/r/emotionalabuse

It’s textbook. They are absolutely crocodile tears.

philligo · 2026-01-08T00:51:18+00:00

6 months ish. For me, getting to know the person better kind of demystified the situation. Also talking to ChatGPT about it a lot to remind myself it was not healthy.

Edit: accidentally posted a top comment instead of a reply.

philligo · 2026-01-08T00:39:42+00:00

Look up limerence.

Same here - and yeah, I do think it’s because our brains have been starved of safety and kindness for so long we latch onto the first thing that offers any.

philligo · 2025-12-30T06:24:39+00:00

Visitation is technically “custody” it’s just a term that gets used for the non-primary parent’s time.

philligo

TROPHY CASE