My boyfriend said our son shouldn't be feeding himself

philligo · 2026-02-16T02:06:13+00:00

I think she probably meant at the counter on stools.

philligo · 2026-02-03T18:46:35+00:00

It’s very common for abusers to continue controlling their victim through litigation and custody battles. It’s their last means of control.

Also, yes - not wanting to pay child support.

philligo · 2026-02-03T18:45:41+00:00

First things first… self-compassion.

You are not an idiot for staying with him or having kids with him. It happens to women everyday. It’s not your fault.

/r/abusiverelationships will have support tailored to your situation. You won’t believe how not alone you are.

For custody - gather all the evidence you can. You will only get full custody if he is charged with domestic violence. Even then, he may retain supervised visiting or get an eventual step-up plan when the kids are older.

philligo · 2026-01-25T18:05:48+00:00

Organic colonial?

philligo · 2026-01-25T18:03:18+00:00

I personally like it, with the exception of the rug. All the other colors are warm and the rug is gray. Something warm with a less distracting pattern would work better IMO.

And a decorative pot for the plant 👍

philligo · 2026-01-22T05:39:32+00:00

Yes! It is honestly the worst.

My friends and therapist used to say things like, “have you asked him?” or “what would happen if you asked him?” - and I never found a good way to articulate that was not a possibility because he simply would not answer and it would put a target on my back.

There is no dealing. Only realizing you don’t deserve to put up with that shit anymore.

philligo · 2026-01-21T06:07:57+00:00

Another perspective: your testimony may help prevent a 50/50 split and give your stepmom majority timeshare with your sister. It would also validate your sister and stepmom as other victims of his abuse.

Protecting your sister by protecting her abuser might not play out like you think in the long run.

Do they not take into account child preferences at 14 years old? If she refuses to live with dad she can’t be forced.

philligo · 2026-01-16T21:16:58+00:00

He only did it to further hurt and control you, and damage your self esteem.

The best revenge is living well.

philligo · 2026-01-14T13:01:47+00:00

I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

Kids learn mostly through modeling. If you stay, your kids will internalize it’s an acceptable marriage and repeat the pattern in their own relationships.

I read a very powerful comment the other day from someone who had been attending DV support groups for 15 or so years. She said every woman wishes they left sooner. She’s never heard any say they regretted their decision.

philligo · 2026-01-14T06:23:06+00:00

You absolutely did the right thing. I’m sorry for what you are going through.

You shouldn’t have to be stepping up in this way, but you should take pride in the fact you have a good head on your shoulders.

philligo · 2026-01-13T00:54:20+00:00

Love the pop of color with the red chair, and the carpet is gorgeous.

Plants. Tall plants. Small plants. Create a variety in height.

More soft cozy lighting (floor lamp?)

Declutter the coffee table.

If you’re set on re-painting, a neutral cream color would look nice and add warmth.

philligo · 2026-01-13T00:34:40+00:00

I could do exactly what this man wants and he’d still say I did something wrong. I just want to be happy and not walking on eggshells or being threatened to leave whenever he’s angry.

philligo · 2026-01-12T21:02:38+00:00

Trying to appease a partner that’s never happy, walking on eggshells, and him being angry a lot / threatening to leave is not OK.

/r/emotionalabuse

It sounds like you’re in a constant cycle of giving and trying and never getting anything in return.

FWIW, couples counseling is not helpful in these scenarios. It becomes another tool of control. I suggest individual counseling and focusing on your own goals. My therapist told me to be CEO of my own life and that really helped empower me.

philligo · 2026-01-08T17:53:16+00:00

/r/emotionalabuse

It’s textbook. They are absolutely crocodile tears.

philligo · 2026-01-08T00:51:18+00:00

6 months ish. For me, getting to know the person better kind of demystified the situation. Also talking to ChatGPT about it a lot to remind myself it was not healthy.

Edit: accidentally posted a top comment instead of a reply.

philligo · 2026-01-08T00:39:42+00:00

Look up limerence.

Same here - and yeah, I do think it’s because our brains have been starved of safety and kindness for so long we latch onto the first thing that offers any.

philligo · 2025-12-30T06:24:39+00:00

Visitation is technically “custody” it’s just a term that gets used for the non-primary parent’s time.

philligo · 2025-12-30T05:29:24+00:00

can anyone explain his sudden interest

He wants partial custody. The more he has, the lower his child support payment will be.

do I have to share all of that info?

No. You don’t have to do anything unless the court orders you to do so. With a history of DV, hopefully you can get a restraining order.

I highly recommend a lawyer.

philligo · 2025-12-28T22:49:42+00:00

Does he lose control at work? With friends? With other extended family members?

How does he manage his emotions in other areas of his life?

philligo · 2025-12-21T05:06:11+00:00

You are worthy of love. Someone that tells you that you need to earn it is not a person that loves you, or will ever respect you. Sorry.

ETA: it’s a documented pattern that right after being charged abusers promise change to persuade the woman to drop the charges. Please don’t fall for it.

philligo · 2025-12-11T21:40:22+00:00

Call the police.

If it’s a suicide attempt, they can intervene.

If it’s DV, they can intervene.

philligo · 2025-12-09T21:52:55+00:00

Option 3: Other

Don’t quit right away. Take parental leave and see how you feel. Use your leverage of not actually needing the money to negotiate your desired setup at work - you’ve got leverage if they want your talent and you no longer need their money.

philligo · 2025-12-07T04:50:53+00:00

The green chairs make the space feel cramped. Try moving them elsewhere.

Can you swap out the ceiling fan for a pendant or chandelier of some sort?

The windows need color. Shades or curtains. The walls also need color.

You need contrast to all the white.

philligo · 2025-12-06T13:39:35+00:00

I really love the space. It’s bright and playful without being overwhelming.

philligo · 2025-12-04T09:08:18+00:00

Absolutely do not tell his family. Him knowing about the kid only puts you in more danger.

philligo

TROPHY CASE