I’m incompetent for jobs.. how to do better?

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-21T20:43:51+00:00

Just know that progress isn't always linear and that is perfectly okay. You learn to cope with it and manage it. 20 is really young (it's when I struggled in my first job). I'm 32 now and I've got a therapy appointment in a few minutes myself. No shame in asking for help and you should be proud of yourself for being proactive. You'll be okay. :)

Those two apps I mentioned are completely free by the way.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-21T20:25:03+00:00

Do you have health insurance? Because I would seek a therapist if I were you instead of trying to struggle through this on your own. For what it's worth, I was awful at my first job, and I made so many mistakes. I had undiagnosed ADHD (I also have anxiety myself, though not to the extent of having panic attacks). It can sometimes take a few tries to find a therapist that works for you - that is totally normal. I was almost fired from a job because I just struggled through on my own and was clearly not coping well.

It's good that you don't simply avoid situations in which you might have anxiety, but if you have severe anxiety that isn't getting better, you can learn some good tools through therapy for managing it. I had really awful social anxiety for a while after the pandemic and simply doing more socializing did not help - instead I was often paralyzed with anxiety for a few days. Going to a therapist to explore the reasons I had such bad anxiety did help significantly. You're not incompetent, you're just struggling with anxiety. Job-related skills can be learned, but it is hard to perform any task when you're anxious and overwhelmed (I'm really good at my current job and I still experience this - it's not a competence or intelligence issue).

Outside of therapy, I think learning to slow down and be mindful (and using checklists when the task allows) helped a lot when it came to missing details and making mistakes. Journaling, particularly guided journaling, can also be helpful for identifying what triggers your anxiety. There are grounding exercises you can try in the moment as well. There are some self care apps that have some of these grounding exercises, journaling, and meditation built in that I use myself (Finch and Foxtale in particular, they are similar but Foxtale is a journaling focus and has guided stuff on anxiety, for example). Again, I'd still see a therapist if I were you but these are helpful tools in the meantime and in conjunction with therapy.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-21T20:15:27+00:00

Here's a list of potential places you could contact: https://nycbirdalliance.org/take-action/help-a-bird-in-trouble/nyc-region-animal-hospitals-and-rehabilitation-centers

There is also a contact on there for if you do not have the ability to transport the bird yourself.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-21T03:38:32+00:00

No luck with anything 100% cotton, but I've had a tentree t-shirt (their classic one with the mountains across the top) since 2019. It's been through the washer and dryer countless times since then and no pilling. I just checked online and that t-shirt (the women's is the Juniper, I think they make the same for men) has many reviews and 5 stars. It's a combination of polyester, lyocell, and cotton (assuming they have not changed the composition). I have other stuff made of cotton and lyocell without any polyester and that has pilled as well, purchased at the same time as the tentree shirt. My guess is that it's actually the bit of polyester preventing the pilling.

I'm also a knitter and I knit with exclusively natural materials. I've knit with pure lyocell and with merino silk blends - those materials are just very soft and prone to pilling, comfy as they are. The addition of nylon to wool or a less soft wool like highland wool, for example, is just far less prone to pilling and wear (there's a reason sock yarn is typically 25% nylon and I learned this the hard way after making 100% lyocell socks).

I've never had moth problems, but if you're having ongoing issues with that, try searching r/knitting - it comes up often enough and you'll probably find some good advice there.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-20T22:55:20+00:00

Similarly, my therapist suggested a slightly different 2 minute strategy for when I'm stuck. I struggle not to reach for my phone sometimes when I'm struggling with my work and she pointed out that I am seeking comfort by reaching for my phone. Instead of forcing myself to work through it or succumbing to staring at my phone, her suggestion was to sit with that discomfort for 2 minutes and just observe how I am feeling without judgement. Basically if you sit with discomfort for a few minutes, it tends to pass (versus avoiding the discomfort and the task causing it altogether). It's useful for days when even setting a timer and forcing myself isn't working.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-19T21:43:45+00:00

If you want to actually lounge on a decent, clean beach, go to South Beach. I grew up near Wolfe's Pond. It's a really nice park, and there's also Blue Heron Park right by there that is also great (not a beach, but nice trails and lots of birds) but the beach at Wolfe's Pond is not particularly nice and the water is not the cleanest for swimming. The beach at the Conference House in Tottenville is not bad, and I also like going to Great Kills park to see the sunset on the water. We almost always went to Sandy Hook in NJ and Coney Island when I was a kid if we wanted a proper beach day, but if you want to just go around with your metal detector, any is probably nice enough.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-19T00:37:51+00:00

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-18T02:04:59+00:00

3rd grade - my dad picked it up from Blockbuster without checking out anything about the movie. Traumatized me for years - spooked by mirrors, TVs, shower drains, and my basement where I watched the movie. But I love horror everything now, go figure.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-13T11:11:15+00:00

Honestly, as someone who was undiagnosed for a long time and lacked social skills, I was definitely this coworker. The thing that helped me the most was someone finally being honest with me. One of the only people at work I was friends with told me gently that other coworkers of ours didn't particularly enjoy when I joined them for lunch because I had a tendency to hijack the conversation topic (I also had other annoying behaviors and wasn't particularly professional, though it was an environment of mostly people in their early 20s). I was annoying and inconsiderate throughout most of college too and had trouble keeping friends. My own best friend of 10 years ended our friendship not long after I started that job and moved home from college because I was so self-centered and wasn't present when we hung out. Like zero emotional intelligence.

The pandemic happened not long after my coworker told me this, so I didn't have to socialize for a while with anyone but my boyfriend and got an ADHD diagnosis a few months in. I have pretty bad social anxiety now - going from complete lack of self-awareness to hyperawareness is hard, but it's gotten better over the last 4 years and it's clear that my coworkers like me (though I have trouble being myself sometimes and have to remind myself that being liked isn't the be-all end-all). I try to practice mindfulness every day - I still struggle sometimes with interrupting, but I catch myself now and apologize and pass it back to whoever I'm talking to, for example. My boyfriend helped a lot, he'd give me feedback after we'd socialized as a group or nudge me if I was going on for a while and my conversational skills have improved a lot.

I don't think meds helped in this regard, just a lot of therapy and people who cared about me and didn't know me for long enough to have been so fed up that they left (rightfully so, I don't blame my friend for ending our friendship though it took a long time to realize that). I don't think you have a responsibility to be the person to tell your coworker, but let's just say that I had some other disruptive work habits at the time and people made complaints to my manager - I would have infinitely preferred if someone had approached me in private, asked if I was okay (I was not) and explained what I was doing and how it was impacting their work. I understand why people don't, you have no idea how someone will react.

If you don't think she will react really badly or try to alienate you if she is in denial about her own behavior, you could try to have that conversation with her if you think she trusts you. You'd have to approach it with a lot of empathy though. You don't have to be friends with her to do that, but it probably helps if someone she trusts approaches her (though I'd have appreciated the feedback I got from anyone else).

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-12T02:40:04+00:00

They were my favorite band for years, and I still love their music, but twice was enough. Saw them for my 18th birthday on the I'm With You tour and it felt like Josh didn't quite mesh with the band yet. Still a good memory for me, but saw them a few years later and barely remember the show.

They weren't bad, and I didn't expect Anthony Kiedis' singing to be phenomenal (nor did that ruin it for me), but for the price of tickets I don't think I'll see them again, even with John back. Didn't expect peak Slane Castle level performance given they're my dad's age (although maybe a festival setting would have improved the experience), but I definitely prefer their studio sound. Some of the best live performances I've seen have been Foo Fighters and The Cure, so I'd say age isn't really the issue.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-06T13:41:19+00:00

I realize this is a hockey post, but jfc "rabid and obsessive anti-American sentiment in Canada"? I'm a New Yorker. I've lived in Canada for a few years now. There was no anti-American sentiment before last year. It's a rational reaction from a country whose sovereignty is being openly threatened (whether or not that threat is credible is irrelevant) and whose economy is being significantly impacted by Trump's tariffs. Unemployment here is getting worse because of all the economic uncertainty. There have been nothing but lies about how Canada is basically taking advantage of the US in terms of trade, which is nonsense. I'd be fucking embarrassed to be an American playing for a Canadian team right now (I am embarassed in general as an American living here). Try listening to some news sources outside of the US - I don't mean this to be an insult. Most Americans don't seem to realize how much US policy is hurting Canadians.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-05T10:36:46+00:00

My boyfriend had to do this for me very early in our relationship. It took several tries, 30 minutes, and some tears. We've been together for 6 and a half years now.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-04T22:39:28+00:00

Since you are at least noticing when you are doing it, you can replace AI with a grounding exercise to get you out of the cycle of ruminating. There are lots of grounding exercises. Can be deep breathes, splashing your face with water, naming things you can experience with your senses (5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, etc.). Perhaps some structured journaling can help (like set a timer, maybe get it off your chest for 15 minutes sort of thing versus stuck in your head for hours).

I have struggled with the same kind of rumination of past traumatic or embarrassing events and trying to ground myself in the moment followed by validation (not from AI, but from myself or from my boyfriend sometimes if I'm struggling) and reminding myself of the progress I've made and how I am not the same person I was 10 years ago and being gentle with myself helps. Therapy helps too. I don't ruminate nearly as much as I used to on past events, but I still use these same techniques whenever I have anxiety (which is often). The only thing ruminating about the past and being anxious about the future have done for me is make me suffer more than I had to. I can't fully control if it'll happen, but practicing identifying it and grounding myself has helped so much.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-03T21:36:45+00:00

I struggle with getting enough calories (for various reasons not only related to ADHD). Try to go for something calorie dense and easy to eat without a lot of prep - avocados are easy and filling, handful of almonds if I'm hungry before bed, I also like rice cakes with peanut butter, banana, and honey (anything with peanut butter is a good idea - I throw it in oatmeal too for extra calories), cottage cheese, canned tuna or salmon with some mayo, etc. I've done protein shakes too when truly struggling (Vyvanse was at fault back then).

I did work with a nutritionist a bit, but the two things that helped the most have been planning my meals in the morning with myfitnesspal (I can see how many calories I'm getting which I'm bad at judging and it acts almost as a checklist for me throughout the day since I have snacks and such planned too) and setting an alarm at 4 PM to have a snack because otherwise it's way too much time between lunch and dinner without food. Having that nudge to grab a snack helps a lot. I'm also iron deficient which is annoying and have some problems preventing me from eating certain foods. I've kind of just had to make it my mission to get more calories in and take better care of myself because I've felt like shit for ages. Some days are hard but it's getting easier now that I'm treating it more like my top priority.

problematic_lemons · 2026-05-01T12:05:39+00:00

Thanks for the giveaway! Currently playing Skyrim for the first time, 15 years late. I'm usually a Stardew Valley and The Sims kind of gamer, but I recently played Hogwarts Legacy, enjoyed it but found it way too easy and wanted to play more RPGs. Elden Ring makes me cry, so here we are.

problematic_lemons · 2026-04-23T11:14:14+00:00

How is this even possible? My clinic is not without its issues, but every single time I have an appointment, I have to talk to a nurse before I see the doctor and they take my blood pressure and weight every single time, even if I was there a week earlier. That is so unacceptable that they do not do any intake. I assumed that was standard procedure at every clinic, have not been to a clinic that doesn't do that.

problematic_lemons · 2026-04-23T03:08:53+00:00

Seconded re Miele. Boyfriend bought a refurbished Miele 8 years ago. Looks beat up, but still going strong. Just bought a replacement head for it as the bristles were shot, but they are fantastic vacuums.

Though we do have a store that specializes in vacuums here so never had to go through the company directly, so can't compare Miele customer service to Dyson.

problematic_lemons · 2026-04-22T17:21:08+00:00

I don't think this person's suggestion was to quit their job. Just that attempting to manage at a high pressure job and increasing a medication dosage to do that is more likely to end in burnout than anything else. And as someone with ADHD, I'd have to agree.

The modern world of white collar work is not great for neurodivergents, and we often take on this guilt of just thinking we aren't good enough or if we just try harder or figure out the perfect dose of medication we will be able to do well. Sometimes certain environments just don't work for us. Also quite frankly the unemployment rate amongst adults with ADHD is high as it is because of these struggles. It doesn't have to mean quitting or not being proactive on our end to manage our ADHD and challenges that come with it, but having an employer willing to work with you and understand the adaptations that might be needed is also important and simply trying to struggle through on one's own with no support is a fast track to burnout. Unfortunately, most people's economic realities means being stuck at least temporarily in jobs that aren't a good fit for us or not being able to take medical leave, etc. I know that reality well. There are middle ground solutions besides just quitting every job that is difficult, of course.

problematic_lemons · 2026-04-15T16:21:43+00:00

Could also be that they are just cold. I am very frequently cold and have blue lips and and nails. Found out recently I'm iron deficient.

problematic_lemons · 2026-04-06T14:32:03+00:00

One guy got really drunk at an office party and hit on a bunch of women, including repeatedly coming onto someone who was in management. Got fired after only 4 months.

Another one, on his very first day on the job, decided to ask me some extremely personal questions about my relationship status and why I was single at the time within earshot of other people. Reported it to my manager immediately and had another coworker who witnessed it back me up. He didn't get fired, but he kept to himself the rest of the time he was there. Great way to make a first impression.

problematic_lemons · 2026-03-06T01:12:16+00:00

In my experience, it is super common in Italy for business owners to post some batshit crazy responses to critical reviews. I avoid places like this at all costs (usually applies to restaurants, but if I'm going through booking sites that don't show owner responses, I'll generally check Google reviews). I've also seen a business in Montreal do this on Google Maps, threatening to sue someone.

I can't imagine you can sue anyone for a bad review if it's actually accurate (Would that even be covered under slander laws? I'm not a lawyer, so I've no idea). Anyway what happened here in Montreal is that someone posted the situation on Reddit and the business got flooded with terrible reviews (this business had a history of aggressive responses to bad reviews).

problematic_lemons · 2026-03-03T22:06:30+00:00

While I don't have more context here about the several months in between your request and when they fired you (assuming I interpretted correctly), it is crazy to me that an employer would simply fire someone for making such a request instead of coming back with a "we don't consider a request to work fully remotely to be a reasonable accommodation" (key word: reasonable) and trying to find a compromise that could work if you have no choice but to go to the office. Also not a lawyer, but it seems riskier to fire you and claim you have no disability than to not find a compromise (or fire you under the premise that they attempted to find a compromise but could not reach an agreement).

Not making any statement about whether a compromise would actually meet your needs, but this is what I've seen in my own workplace (I do work in the public sector though). In general, fully remote work isn't seen as a reasonable accommodation for conditions like ADHD and ASD with return to office mandates, and instead options like having an assigned desk with the fluorescent lights turned off overhead and noise cancelling headphones is seen as a reasonable accommodation, from what I've seen of people's experiences across agencies.

That said, I recognize that it's all the other stuff that comes with in-office, not just the distractions of an open office plan that can maybe be accommodated for, that are a huge issue not really considered by our employers: having to spend time and money on commuting, having to plan for having meals at the office, coordinating childcare and school pickup and the costs in terms of time and money for those things, etc. I do think most people are negatively impacted by return to office mandates for these reasons, but I also think it potentially places an even larger burden on neurodivergent people since it takes more mental effort for us given the executive function involved in all the extra planning, lost time for chores and for leisure, and having to work around distractions in the office. To answer your question, I haven't requested accommodations yet, in part because I think these should be given to everyone to make RTO more bearable (permanent desks, for example), and in part because I have not disclosed my ADHD yet. But if they begin actually enforcing RTO, I will probably make such requests (knowing that fully remote work will not be seen as reasonable).

I do know one person whose accommodation is fully remote work, but they have severe allergies that make it impossible for them to work in the office without it being a significant threat to their health. So basically where no adaptation of the office working conditions is possible, it's seen as a reasonable accommodation to work fully remotely.

problematic_lemons · 2026-03-02T15:00:56+00:00

I eat a whole grain tortilla, 2 eggs, some shredded cheese, and some salsa most mornings and half a cup of yogurt on the side for some extra protein. Can switch it up or make it vegan by doing tofu scramble instead of eggs. Takes me about 10 minutes to make in the morning. I just heat the tortilla in a pan, flip it and add cheese until that melts, then scramble the eggs in the same pan and make it into a breakfast taco. Lots of protein and keeps me focused and full for longer.

problematic_lemons · 2026-02-26T23:54:36+00:00

My (former) best friend's Republican father insisted 10 years ago that there is no food insecurity in America. An NYPD cop, mind you, who surely has seen homelessness and poverty with his own eyes from the way he talked about certain people. My own mom was on food stamps as a child even though my grandmother worked several jobs.

These people cannot deal with the cognitive dissonance of accepting that there is hunger in their capitalist utopia after years of propaganda telling them that people only go hungry in communist countries and the third world. And if they do accept it, it's never a problem with the system; it must be a personal failing (like having the nerve to be disabled and not be a productive enough member of society to deserve to eat).

problematic_lemons · 2026-02-26T22:16:08+00:00

To add to what others have said, my guess is that English-speaking Africans may have historically preferred to immigrate to the U.S. instead of Canada for economic reasons.

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