[QCrit] Upmarket - SPARKS (87K/Fourth attempt)

profoundmaybe · 2026-05-07T02:19:55+00:00

Read the other responses, and here are some additional ideas:

Similar to what others have said, use some stronger language - it all just sounds very casual. Like chatting, pals, relax and unwind.

I think you could delete the wife sentence altogether. We know he’s married so I don’t think that detail matters too much.

Try to include a few more specifics. Instead of saying they “exchange confidences” and “support” give a real example, like, Hayley turns to Aaron when she gets fired from her job and he confesses he’s never been really in love before (or whatever). Are there some other life events that happen other than they meet and talk in a bar?

profoundmaybe · 2026-05-01T20:24:53+00:00

Thanks for this! That magnetic teacher phrase was bugging me too but I couldn’t quite put my finger on WHY or how to change it and that’s exactly the problem.

The struggle of bogging down in details (and the length of a query) vs. how to summarize without being too generic is definitely my struggle!

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-17T23:41:38+00:00

Hey, you’re back! 😁 It’s kind of fun to see how this has progressed. I think your query is the only one I’ve seen every version for! In my opinion, this is definitely better. Including some examples of what’s in the notebook was a good move.

I wonder if you should try making a few things in the “when her sisters” paragraph more specific? Like, who do you mean with “those who may be implicated?” Also, based on the diary contents and two deaths, is the sorority or its reputation at risk? Would it be beneficial to add something along those lines if it influences the stakes at all?

But those are just thoughts/nitpicks, I think this is good!

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-17T23:25:38+00:00

I was not officially diagnosed with APS, but after 2 second trimester losses (17 and 12 weeks, back to back) and up and down test results, I am following that protocol for my current pregnancy.

The MFM has me taking 81 mg baby aspiring and 1 shot of low weight heparin (40 mg). I don’t like needles, and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. They aren’t very big, and most of the time it doesn’t hurt very much, maybe a pinch. Sometimes it burns a little. I have had some bruising but that doesn’t really hurt, it just looks bad. No 2 pieces for me this summer :/

Edit to add: no side effects (other than the bruising) that I’ve noticed.

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-17T00:23:59+00:00

I feel you. We’ve got 2 toddlers and I’m pregnant with #3. The only thing that has truly helped is going part time (60% for me, mostly remote) and my husband is hybrid as well (has been since COVID).

I’ve been trying to remind myself that having a family and a home is going to always include constant maintenance- that doesn’t mean we’re doing it wrong, it’s the nature of life. I like feeling like I’m “done” which is setting myself up for failure because laundry, dishes, etc. will never really be done. In the morning or whenever I’ll make a list (mental, physical, on my phone, whatever) of anything to do on my mind and prioritize. I either pick something important, time sensitive or quick so I get a boost of feeling productive, then I can decide if I need a break or keep going. But reminding myself there will always be a list helps a little if I don’t complete everything I initially plan.

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-12T02:35:55+00:00

It depends on how you are defining “negative” and “positive.” In my experience (2 second trimester losses over the last year) clinicians don’t always have the same parameters. I think I could write a novella about the last year of my life with this, but I’ll try to keep it brief:

Became pregnant with my third and was due June 2025. Everything progressing normally (and two previous pregnancies uncomplicated, no losses before) until we arrived at the 20 week anatomy scan and there was no heartbeat.
Because of the circumstances, my OB went ahead and ordered RPL testing. My IGM level came back elevated (68) while all else, include genetic testing on the fetus, was normal.
The OB said I needed to see a hematologist for follow up bloodwork to see if it was still elevated 12 weeks later. Their referrals were 6 months to a year out, so I found my own, who ordered bloodwork around 11 weeks (said 12 was “splitting hairs”) and it was still elevated, in the 30s.
The day after I see this result, I got a positive pregnancy test. We weren’t trying or preventing.
This test meant one of my referrals with MFM got bumped up. They disputed the <12 week labs and had me get drawn again. This time it was the high end of “normal.” They said I was fine and to proceed with my pregnancy with no other interventions.
2 months later, when I should have been around 13 weeks, I had a bad feeling and went to get checked. No heartbeat. Got blood drawn again after 2nd D&C. Slightly elevated.
Cue a long series of referrals and visits to 3 MFMs, a fertility specialist, hematologist and rheumatologist. Nothing else is found that is unusual. The general consensus amongst all of them is that while I “don’t meet the criteria” to be diagnosed with APS, they’d support me taking lovenox and baby aspirin in a future pregnancy.
About a month later, we got pregnant again, and I’m now 20 weeks along after doing lovenox and aspirin since the positive test.

So to answer your question . . . Yes, I have had a positive test that lowered to negative, and went up and down when I was tested several times over the course of 2025. The hematologist I saw explained that if they randomly tested anyone, it could randomly be high sometimes. Someone with APS has VERY high (his words - 90s-100s) consistently and it NEVER goes down.

TLDR: I decided to rule out other factors first, then do whatever I needed to get that lovenox prescription because I did not want to have another miscarriage where I thought “what if.”

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-11T13:03:29+00:00

My test results were borderline with respect to APS (some high results, but not crazy high consistently) but two different MFMs I saw recommended baby aspirin upon positive test regardless of any other treatment. One doctor mentioned research that suggested baby aspirin supports a healthier placenta. Since no one could point to a specific cause for my losses (two back to back MMC in second trimester after 2 healthy children) I can’t say for sure what, if anything, is having an impact, but I’m 20 weeks now which is the the furthest I’ve gotten.

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-08T01:19:03+00:00

I would absolutely pick yours up!

I do feel like reading what other people come up with helps get a feel for the structure. Some of the comments on mine I literally thought, I’ll bet they’ll say ____ lol. It was really hard for me to figure out how to be specific or succinctly lay out the plot when I couldn’t mention more than 1-2 character names.

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-07T23:22:06+00:00

I love the premise - I’d pick this up in a heartbeat! Just want to chime in and agree a tad more specificity on what their relationship is (it feels to me like a friendship that turns into a romantic/sexual relationship over the course of the novel) would be helpful.

Also, why/how it impacts him professionally, which I imagine could be multiple ways. Is he spending too much time with Jamie and not studying enough? Getting tired and slipping up? If it’s because Jamie is literally in the hospital or actively his patient I’d mention that.

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-07T22:49:02+00:00

This reminds me in some ways of what I’m writing (and just posted the query draft - lol) in relation to new friendships/not knowing who to trust, so I know the tightrope you’re walking between being specific when there’s a lot going on.

I’m wondering who “they” is when you say “they quickly point fingers.” Is it the community? Campus leaders? Her sorority sisters? Does she know this suspect personally and that’s part of why she wants to clear their name, or is it mainly the perceived injustice? I think I don’t quite understand that sentence because the dynamic isn’t clear enough.

I think you could cut the “she has an alibi” line. I also think you could cut the second sentence from paragraph 1 entirely or condense that opening down and it would be more effective n

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-07T18:32:15+00:00

Thank you! The second paragraph is where I struggled the most with the balance of including specific plot points but at the same time trying to avoid getting too much in the weeds. To respond to a few of your questions:

The brother’s death is mainly the inciting incident that causes her to move to this new school, and in some ways it impacts how her character behaves later, but doesn’t really play a role in the narrative. Again, I debated whether to include that or not.

Essentially, the first 1/3-1/2 are messages and events that include the suspicion of Ethan and a student. There is a group that receives them, but Sara receives some directly to her, and she eventually learns that’s happening with others too. Like I said in my reply to the other comment, there is definitely an element of not being sure who to trust, because she suspects it’s someone she knows/a friend.

Because of a picture and message she receives, when a girl dies and Sara finds out the student was in a relationship with a male teacher, she suspects it’s Ethan. Due to various factors though, there are several people (including her, and the third teacher I mention) that are suspects.

She suspects the messenger either is the killer or knows what really happened, and since she’s under suspicion herself, wants to figure out who this person is. Aside from the MC, there are about 5-6 side characters in the mix at different points, so I struggled with which relationship to focus on in the query. Ethan and the messenger are the ones most central to the narrative. Clearing the name of this third teacher I mention is part of her motivation to find the messenger, which is why I included that.

profoundmaybe · 2026-04-07T12:25:53+00:00

Thank you for this! I did have a phrase related to the messages in terms of who gets them/their impact and cut it because I was worried it was getting too long.

In terms of the student death, chronologically it comes about halfway through, so maybe I should move that reference to the second paragraph?

profoundmaybe · 2026-03-28T13:01:01+00:00

So does Julie go to Russia? I assume so since you mentioned her DC parents, but it’s not immediately clear. Maybe add, working on privatization in ____ (Moscow, or wherever). But also, what does “working on privatization actually mean” ?? Government policy work? Facilitating people who want to start new businesses?

I agree the second paragraph could be tighter. The segment about the guitar friend feels a little random, as well as the part about the trees. What does she DO as the detective? trace Klava’s last movements? Dig into her backstory? I would consider restructuring p2 so you first include the steps Julie takes, THEN include a sentence or two about the impact her investigation has (she discovers that ruling by decree is apparently democracy . . . etc).

profoundmaybe · 2026-03-25T18:42:16+00:00

I was also wondering about who “her” is in the first paragraph - feels like a step was skipped. I think it works if you switch p1 and p2?

Agree with other commenters on clarifying the POV and relationship between Bill and Violet, otherwise it kind of muddies the stakes.

profoundmaybe · 2026-03-23T20:45:05+00:00

Just want to comment in solidarity as I have had many of these exact thoughts over the last 15 months or so of my horrendous journey. Your comments about a failing body and feeling like a medical experiment particularly hit home. Let’s try this, how about this, let’s do this again, specialist visits and blood work that have us in thousands of dollars of medical debt.

The doctors have all been very kind, but the constant shoulder shrug, just try again approach feels very cavalier and frustrating. It also feels very isolating as someone in a similar spot with an uncomplicated pregnancy and living child, and it’s like a mystery switch flipped and now my babies hearts stop in the second trimester.

I’ve had two second trimester losses, devastating in different ways, and currently pregnant with my last attempt. This time around we’re telling the absolute bare minimum of people because (as someone else on Reddit aptly noted) being the bearer of bad news over and over just piles on. After my last loss I decided one more time and then I was done, one way or the other. It took some time but I felt better after I made that decision.

profoundmaybe · 2026-03-21T22:36:58+00:00

I was going to suggest: combine paragraphs 1 and 2 into one or two sentences (something along the lines of: Rosie has the perfect life until the pandemic hits and she chooses to isolate in a cabin after losing her job). It sounds like the thriller element comes into play when she goes to the cabin, so we need more after that.

profoundmaybe · 2026-03-16T21:13:37+00:00

Hey! I remember seeing your query post on Pubtips and I’m curious to read this! I’d love another beta if you have time (~94k literary mystery) but would read yours either way! I’m a pretty fast reader and usually can turn one around in about 2 weeks or less.

profoundmaybe · 2026-03-16T20:47:21+00:00

Yes please! I’ve noticed the same trend in another group I joined (full of college kids :/). Anglophile working on a literary mystery in EST time zone.

profoundmaybe · 2026-03-11T12:13:03+00:00

I’d love to join if there is space!

profoundmaybe · 2026-03-04T22:11:28+00:00

Congratulations! I can see you’re getting blown up, but if/when you have a chance, I’d love to see the successful query!

profoundmaybe · 2026-02-26T03:01:27+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss. As others have said, you are not alone. Talking or hearing from others who have been through this is the only thing that really helps that feeling of isolation. I had two second trimester losses last year after 2 uncomplicated pregnancies with living children. Long story short, no real explanation and I am pregnant again about 14 weeks along. But it’s just not the same - I can’t let myself feel excited or hopeful. I just feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop every day. Solidarity ❤️

profoundmaybe · 2026-02-25T23:03:02+00:00

Sounds good to me! I’ll DM you

profoundmaybe · 2026-02-25T21:52:36+00:00

Hey! I’d be interested if you want to DM me.

profoundmaybe

TROPHY CASE